About a year ago, I had to read a book for my school’s summer reading assignment called
How to Read Literature Like a Professor by Thomas Foster. It’s not a bad book, pretty decent actually, but there was this one chapter about sex scenes in literature. And one of the first sentences was along the lines of “writing sex is boring.”
and I did a double-take. Bc in my experience, that is absolutely not the case, and if you do find yourself bored while writing smut, then you’re not doing it right. See, Thomas’s main argument was that there’s only so many ways you can write sex scenes, because there’s only so many sex acts you can choose from. (My boy Thomas is clearly a vanilla dude, but let’s not hold that against him.)
But one of the most important things to keep in mind while writing smut is that it’s not necessarily just about the act itself. So while Thomas is right that there are limits as to how many ways ppl can have sex, he failed to realize that writing sex is about a LOT more than that. And I’m gonna prove it to you.
Going back over the essays I received during the college essay extravaganza, 50% of the Common App essays I read were about students and their families moving to the US and learning to adjust. Now, I’m not saying that your familial struggles aren’t intense and worthy of talking about; after all, many students wrote about the loneliness they felt being the only new kid in school or having to adjust to American customs, and those are all absolutely valid conversations.
However, if you put all of these “moving to America” stories in a pile and read them one after another, they start to bleed together. The story lines and characters all sound the same. And for you, that means less of a chance to stand out and more of a chance of being labeled “one of those immigrant kids”. Is it fair? Absolutely not. Is that the way it is? Unfortunately, yes.
2. The “They Taught Me More Than I Taught Them” Essay
Please for the love of all that is admissions don’t write about the time you went on a service trip to a third-world country and learned from the locals. Not only does it typically come across as condescending and privileged (since most high school students are not aware of how to talk about cultures in politically correct terms), but it’s also so overdone and bland.
3. The “Ski Slope” Essay
When many students answer the quintessential “talk about a time you overcame an obstacle” prompt, they tend to write something that I call the “ski slope” essay. In this scenario, the author was given a physical challenge (like a ski slope, mountain, scary water slide ride, etc.) and was eventually convinced overcome it. Again, it’s an essay that I’ve seen over and over (and over) again, and there’s no real way to write these essays well. They usually involve a lot of cliche adjectives and some other person convincing the writer to go down the slope. Inspiring? Not at all.
Look at it this way: Thousands of people learn how to ski every year; it’s boring and totally not unique. If you’re going to write about an obstacle, it needs to be an obstacle that only 0.00005% of the world has overcome. Otherwise, you’re just like everybody else.
4. The “Look at How Super Deep I Am” Essay
Kids, don’t try to go on a philosophical rant in your college essays. Not only do you typically sound like a pretentious, self-important twerp pulling stuff out of your butt (and admissions officers know it), but these tirades also tell the reader absolutely nothing about you as as potential member of a college. Don’t get meta. If you want to talk about all the great deep thoughts inside your head, start a blog.
5. The All-Dialogue Essay
Note: Spending half of your 650 words going through a conversation you had with your sister is a complete snore and a total waste of time and space. Cut our dialogue unless it’s funny or actually moves the story along. Something like this is just really dull fluff:
“Sister,”I said to her.
“Yes?” she said back.
She looked at me with angst. “What?” she asked again.
Three lines in and you’re bored already, right?
6. The Way-Too-Extended Metaphor Essay
What do dumplings, crayons, and hoop earrings have in common? They’re all inanimate objects that have been used as extended metaphors in college essays, and all of those essays were not good.
Pulling off the extended metaphor essay is hard, and as you’ve learned by now, it’s best to go into essay writing with the mentality that you are the rule, not the exception. So stop trying to compare your life to a squashed kumquat you saw on the side of the road and find a different topic.
7. The “Lesson about Failure Where You Didn’t Really Fail” Essay
Remember that an admissions essay is still a story, and the best heroes and heroines have legitimate pitfalls. If your biggest failure is that you had a hangnail but you eventually took care of it, not only do you look shallow, but you also look dull. Failures need to be actual heart-stopping, “OMG, NOOO!” failures. Either commit to going all the way or avoid writing this type of essay altogether.
8. The Bat Mitzvah Essay
When the Common App prompt asks for something that marked your transition into adulthood, stay away from cultural or religious events that actually mark adulthood, like a bar/bat mitzvah or a confirmation ceremony or something. The best essays about transitions into adulthood deal with unforeseen shifts, not obvious ones (for example, my friend wrote about the different types of boxers he bought throughout high school. Shift to adulthood? Yes. Totally freaking clever? Heck yeah).
9. The Straight Up Cliche Essay
There are many topics that are way overdone besides the ones listed above. Some examples of what I mean:
The “What I learned at this academic conference/camp/event” essay
The “What my mom/dad/family taught me” essay
The “How I felt about moving to a whole new place or being in a new environment” essay
The “How I learned to fit in” essay
The “Death of person x” essay
The “How my parents’ divorce changed me” essay
The “Here’s a very vague essay about my family’s culture” essay
Again, these are just a few of the many examples of cliche essays.
Beyonce- All Night
Janet Jackson- Any Time, Any Place
R Kelly- Baby Baby Baby Baby
Chris Brown- Back To Sleep
Ari Lennox- Backseat
Chris Brown- Beg For It
French Montana- Bend Over
Wale- The Body
Ace Hood- Body 2 Body
Ciara- Body Party
Omarion- Bria’s Interlude
Keith Sweat- Chocolate Girl
Teddy Pendergrass- Close The Door
Aaliyah- Come Over
Kelly Rowland- Dirty Laundry
Trey Songz- Dive In
LL Cool J- Doin It
R Kelly- Down Low
Chris Brown- Drown In It
The Dream- Falsetto
D'Angelo- Feel Like Makin Love
R Kelly- Feelin On Yo Booty
Jodeci- Freakin You
The Notorious BIG- Fuckin You Tonight
Keith Sweat- Funky Dope Lovin
Chris Brown- Glow In The Dark
R Kelly- The Greatest Sex
Pretty Ricky- Grind On Me
R Kelly- Half On A Baby
R Kelly- Honey Love
Keith Sweat- How Deep Is Your Love?
Michael Jackson- Human Nature
Boyz II Men- I’ll Make Love To You
R Kelly- Ignition
Dru Hill- In My Bed
Keith Sweat- In The Mood
J Cole- In The Morning
Keith Sweat- In The Rain
Trey Songz- Inside Pt 2
R Kelly- It Seems Like You’re Ready
Chance The Rapper- Juke Jam
Rihanna- Kiss It Better
Kelly Rowland- Kisses Down Low
August Alsina- Kissin On My Tattoos
Total- Kissin You
Lloyd- Lay It Down
Usher- Lay You Down
TLC- Let’s Do It Again
Marvin Gaye- Let’s Get It Down
Chris Brown- Like A Virgin Again
Tory Lanez- Looks
Wale- Lotus Flower Bomb
112- Now That We’re Done
Trey Songz- Love Faces
Usher- Love In This Club Part II
Lil Jon- Lovers & Friends
Chris Brown- Madusa
Twista- Make A Movie
Keith Sweat- Make It Last Forever
Chris Brown- Make Love
Avant- Makin Good Love
Dej Loaf- Me U & Hennessy
Marques Houston- Naked
Frank Ocean- Nature Feels
Trey Songz- Neighbors Know My Name
Usher- Nice & Slow
Chris Brown- No Bullshit
Keith Sweat- Nobody
Trey Songz- Panty Droppa
Trey Songz- Panty Wetter
PARTYNEXTDOOR- Persian Rugs
Kid Cudi- Pillow Talk
Kendrick Lamar- Poetic Justice
Chris Brown- Poppin
TWENTY88- Push It
Miguel- Pussy Is Mine
TLC- Red Light Special
Jodeci- Ride & Slide
Ciara- Ride It
Aaliyah- Rock The Boat
Trey Songz- Scratchin Me Up
Chris Brown- Sex (In My Zone)
Chris Brown- Sex (Before The Party)
R Kelly- Sex Part 1
R Kelly- Sex Part 2
PARTYNEXTDOOR- Sex On The Beach
Rihanna- Sex With Me
Marvin Gaye- Sexual Healing
Ginuwine- So Anxious
Chris Brown- Songs On 12 Play
Trey Songz- Still Scratchin Me Up
R Kelly- Strip For You
Tyrese- Sweet Lady
Chris Brown- Sweet Love
Chris Brown- Take My Time
TLC- Take Our Time
Chris Brown- Take You Down
Maxwell- This Woman’s Work
Usher- Trading Places
Teddy Pendergrass- Turn Off The Lights
D'Angelo- Untitled (How Does It Feel?)
Chris Brown- Wet The Bed
Busta Rhymes- What’s It Gonna Be?
Keith Sweat- Whatever You Want
Trey Songz- When We Make Love
Babyface- When Your Body Gets Weak
PARTYNEXTDOOR- Wus Good/Curious
Dru Hill- Xstacey Jones
Rihanna- Yeah, I Said It
R Kelly- You Remind Me Of Something
Tony Braxton- You’re Makin Me High
R Kelly- Your Body’s Callin
TWENTY88- 2 Minute Warning
R Kelly- 12 Play
Baekhyun could feel his heartbeat pounding hard against his
chest, loud and fast as he slowly weaved through the chairs towards you and a
shy Zoe. He’d never felt this nervous for anything in his life, not even when
he debuted and performed at his first showcase with the rest of EXO. He didn’t
want to mess this up: his daughter was too important and this was his chance to
make up for the years he’d lost.
He introduced himself cheerfully, trying not to let his
nerves shine through his voice. He flashed his daughter a bright smile that he
hoped would comfort her a little. On the inside however, his stomach was doing
Summary: Certain…feelings are revealed when you get hurt on a hunt.
Dean Winchester was good at a lot of things. He was an protective and loving son and brother. He was one of the best hunters to ever live. He tried not to make too many lasting romantic attachments, and he was excellent at keeping his cool in a high pressure situation.
There was just something about you that changed that. Almost from the moment he met you, Dean was smitten. You had this aura of powerful grace and beauty that drew him in.
After that, you’d starting hunting with him and Sam on and off. Each time it was suggested that you join them on a hunt, Dean was not so subtly excited. Sam found the whole thing hilarious.
This time however, you all were taking out a vamp nest. It was supposed to be an average hunt, one you’d all done many, many times in the past.
If only things were ever that simple.
The “nest” was more like a swarm. There were at least 30 of those things attacking the little hunting party.
You’d all been split apart, fighting your own little sections of the hoard. With only a few taken out, all three of you were already drenched in blood and losing energy.
One creature rushed you, teeth bared. Ducking, you hit him in the stomach, and flipped him over your back, springing up to behead the next.