slide on sandals

Team USA if NHLers can’t play in the Olympics: a proposal

(totally inspired by @nataliespooner ‘s hilariously awesome Canada roster)

Forwards:

  • the neighbor’s golden retriever who stole 8 hamburgers from your 4th of July barbecue
  • some excellent player from Minnesota whose name everyone promptly forgets
  • Carrie Underwood
  • that guy in your english lit class who read Kerouac’s On The Road and is literally physically incapable of shutting up about the death of American masculinity and who watches the blackhawks just often enough to be insufferable about his knowledge
  • Amanda Kessel sporting a fake beard
  • Jason Momoa, shirtless but protected by the power of his own beauty
  • the smell of a Taco Bell at 4am
  • the blandest white man on this season of The Bachelorette (the competition will be stiff)
  • a customer service person who clearly doesn’t want to be smiling at you but is doing so anyhow
  • a dump truck full of sand sprinkled over the entire roster for “grit”
  • someone dressed head-to-toe (snapback-to-slide-sandals) in underarmour athletic wear
  • twitter user soloucity aka Tony X.
  • every child in this year’s Kraft Hockeyville USA
  • the vengeful but impotent spirit of USA Hockey


Defense:

  • Snoop Dogg, mic’d up and swearing
  • an alligator in a Florida Panthers jersey
  • the slightly too good-looking American dude who’s gonna play Brent Burns in the Hollywood movie about John Scott
  • an unexpectedly mild-mannered Texas longhorn steer
  • a gallon of sweet tea laced with arsenic
  • someone totally bewildered by the idea that Canada has its own Thanksgiving
  • a battered VHS tape of 2004′s Miracle 
  • the entire Las Vegas Golden Knights roster as of April 4, 2017


Goalies:

  • the personification of Ben Bishop’s sadness about being traded
  • 15 starbucks frappuccinos arranged in a pyramid
  • a very expensive wall that actually does a really terrible job keeping stuff out


The puck will be a Chicago deep-dish pizza.