sleep spirals

since the moment i came out to myself a little over a year ago my relationship with and understanding of myself has grown exponentially and changed so much, especially on a physical level. realizing why i struggled with my body for so long, going through awful dysphoria, undergoing top surgery and feeling my muscles ache and heal, lose their strength and gain it back slowly, my skin heal from black and blue bruises to unmarked healthy skin, my incision scars go from being held together with stitches to mending to fading into smooth pink lines, starting testosterone and injecting myself with a needle in my own thigh muscle every single week for the past seven months, experiencing the changes and shifts in how i look and feel and navigate the world physically, understanding how my body works from the inside out and seeing myself evolve and learning all these small intimate things about myself and examining my mindset and thoughts and emotions every step of the way and surviving an absolute roller coaster of grief, sorrow, envy so powerful it tore me up, disbelief, a lot of fear and uncertainty, and slowly little inklings of happiness, contentment that snuck up on me without realizing so many times - all of that has changed me fundamentally as a person and i struggle to remember my life before.

it’s weird, because i know it was me obviously, i know i lived through those 19 years of my life and it was significant but when i try to remember even to how i felt before top surgery it comes back to me slowly and fragmented and with a sense of disconnect. i struggle to recall even the recovery process for top surgery and it happened only eight months ago. my psychologist remarked that after top surgery and starting testosterone my brain had a sort of post-trauma response in that it just deleted everything and hid it behind this weird milky haze. my brain essentially decided that everything that happened before was no longer relevant to me. it was fundamental in my growth as a person and impacts me to this day but my brain just sort of chose to forget a lot of it. i’m not entirely sure why that happened - whether the trauma of being forcibly gendered as a woman for 19 years just messed me up that badly or my brain didn’t know what to do with any of that or it recognized a new chapter in my life that i couldn’t turn back from. i don’t know and i don’t really care. i want to move forward.

in a lot of ways i feel more alive than i’ve ever been and the whole world feels brand new and overwhelming and vast and the person i am - the person i’m growing into - is slowly being revealed little by little, as i create myself, as i seek to understand myself entirely and really know the person i see in the mirror every day. i ran from him for my entire life and now he’s here a little more every day and i’m getting to know him. he’s the same person i’ve always been, and i am the same person, but it’s complicated. i gave birth to my authentic self early this year and i’m still figuring out what that means and where to go from here. i’m afraid of what i might find but there’s healing in every step i take, even when it hurts, and despite the pain i’ve been through since coming out if i really had the choice to go back and keep running from the person in the mirror i’d still come out and transition because the wealth of knowledge and insight i’ve gained about myself and the world around me is invaluable and i couldn’t have gotten it any other way.

100 Ways To Get Over A Breakup.
  1. Deny any and all emotion
  2. Sleep less
  3. Ride your bike at 3am
  4. Without a helmet
  5. In the middle of the street
  6. Fuck the people you thought about fucking when you were in a relationship
  7. Fuck the people you never thought about fucking
  8. Eat healthier
  9. But only after eating really unhealthy for a couple weeks
  10. Stretch more but don’t call it something with spiritual implications because you aren’t very spiritual
  11. Consider alcoholism
  12. Stop romanticizing addiction
  13. Find other self-destructive coping mechanisms
  14. Convince yourself no one really likes you
  15. Cry a lot
  16. Maybe in public
  17. Sleep more
  18. Spiral into crippling depression
  19. But say yes when people invite you to do things
  20. Pretend you’re not sad
  21. Talk like an asshole
  22. Go out of your way to be jaded and cynical
  23. Criticize everything
  24. Tell yourself you’re going to exercise more
  25. Tell yourself you deserve a break from physical activity because you’re depressed and your body needs to rest
  26. Take long showers
  27. Take cold showers
  28. Masturbate in the shower
  29. Masturbate a lot
  30. Get your nipples pierced
  31. Consider making an OkCupid
  32. Consider reactivating your Facebook
  33. Consider the fact that maybe you measure your self-worth in relation to other people
  34. Consider the fact that maybe you don’t know how to live for yourself
  35. Lie to impress people
  36. Lie to make people like you
  37. Be so honest it makes people uncomfortable
  38. Swallow your filter and word vomit a lot
  39. Sell your things
  40. Leave town for a while
  41. Tell everyone you’re leaving and not coming back
  42. No one will miss you
  43. Move to a new city
  44. Change your name
  45. Cut your hair
  46. Consider spending twice as much money on rent just to live alone
  47. Wonder if living alone will make you feel more or less lonely
  48. Stop texting people who don’t want to hang out
  49. Stop thinking about people who don’t think about you
  50. Stop texting
  51. Just “forget” your phone one day
  52. Pretend it’s broken
  53. Break your phone
  54. Get a new number
  55. Call your mom
  56. Just kidding don’t do that
  57. Read a lot of graphic novels
  58. Watch a lot of movies
  59. Pet a lot of dogs
  60. Make a smoothie
  61. Start using tinctures
  62. Pretend you’re high
  63. Take a dance class
  64. Don’t talk about it all the time
  65. Clean neurotically
  66. Spend a lot of money on Lush products
  67. Use them generously
  68. Wash your sheets
  69. Don’t look at their instagram
  70. Use your friend’s fire pit to burn everything that reminds you of them
  71. Don’t read all of their letters
  72. Just set them on fire and forget
  73. Don’t wonder how this was so easy for them
  74. Don’t wonder if maybe they never really loved you
  75. Don’t call them
  76. Don’t ask for closure
  77. Don’t expect them to wonder how you’re doing
  78. Don’t tell them how you’re doing
  79. Get tattoos on the most tender parts of you
  80. Breathe deeply because the pain is sort of cathartic
  81. Do not fuck your tattoo artist
  82. Learn a new language
  83. Start a cool hobby that will make you seem super interesting
  84. Buy a motorcycle
  85. Stop letting people manipulate you
  86. Be really sad
  87. But like be really tough about it
  88. Drink juice out of the carton
  89. Take a lot of bubble baths
  90. Take a nap inside the duvet
  91. Drink herbal tea
  92. Buy new boots
  93. Get a professional massage
  94. Read non-fiction
  95. Go on a hike by yourself
  96. Go swimming
  97. But not if you just pierced your nipples
  98. Call in sick and spend the day in bed
  99. Listen to the bands you listened to in high school
  100. Sing along loudly even if you’re crying a little bit

anonymous asked:

You ship Sheith AND plance??? I... I love you??

OH MY GOD, I LOVE YOU TOO?

Originally posted by zechs

you and I should be friends anon ❤️

8 days left...

Okay, X-Philes

This week is your last chance to sleep properly, go out with your friends, socialize, have some plans without having to look up on your phone every 5 minutes. Use it wisely, cause from next week

The X-files is back! Mulder is finally coming down from that stupid bridge!!! and we will have no life for 5,5 months 😂👽

The sleeping hours will reduce, spiralling will yet again be your second favourite activity, the trashcan will be open and crowded once again and conspiracy theories will take over your brain, and 

SEASON 11 OF THE X-FILES WILL BE SHOUTING IN VANCOUVER! 

*Ps: I have an idea for a game to play, preparing some positive thoughts and excitement for the upcoming season! I will post it soon, if y’all like it we can play it all week long 🙈🙈👽❤️*

2

This beautiful, bright, spiral galaxy is Messier 64, often called the Black Eye Galaxy or the Sleeping Beauty Galaxy for its heavy-lidded appearance in telescopic views. M64 is about 17 million light-years distant in the otherwise well-groomed northern constellation Coma Berenices. In fact, the Red Eye Galaxy might also be an appropriate moniker in this colorful composition of narrow and wideband images. The enormous dust clouds obscuring the near-side of M64’s central region are laced with the telltale reddish glow of hydrogen associated with star forming regions. But they are not this galaxy’s only peculiar feature. Observations show that M64 is actually composed of two concentric, counter-rotating systems. While all the stars in M64 rotate in the same direction as the interstellar gas in the galaxy’s central region, gas in the outer regions, extending to about 40,000 light-years, rotates in the opposite direction. The dusty eye and bizarre rotation is likely the result of a billion year old merger of two different galaxies.

Credit: NASA, Hubble Heritage Team

anonymous asked:

how to live girlhood like a nymph?

ok i will answer one more

  • rename a river 
  • wear the forest like a dress. wear the water like a crown.
  • keep a box full of fragments–rocks and stones, interesting fungi, craggy sticks
  • the artist’s conk is a mushroom you can draw on. the drawing stays forever. if you are lucky enough to find one, make sure you keep it forever (i have a tiny one with an engraved spiral sleeping in my forest box)
  • get dirt on your knees and elbows
  • don’t wait for a sunny day. walk through the rain. walk through the fog. nature is your lover. kiss it even on its dark days.
  • leave seasonal offerings to the forest fae 

From your hips down to your feet
I want to make a long journey.

I am smaller than an insect.

Over these hills I pass,
hills the colour of oats,
crossed with faint tracks
that only I know,
scorched centimetres,
pale perspectives.

Now here is a mountain.
I shall never leave this.
What a giant growth of moss!
And a crater, a rose
of moist fire!

Coming down your legs
I trace a spiral,
or sleep on the way,
and arrive at your knees,
round hardness
like the hard peaks
of a bright continent.

Sliding down to your feet
I reach the eight slits
of your pointed, slow,
peninsular toes,
and from them I fall down
to the white emptiness
of the sheet, seeking blindly
and hungrily the form
of your fiery crucible!

—  Pablo Neruda, The Insect

shions-heart  asked:

YOUR SHIRATORIZAWA MAGIC GUILD AU LOOKS SO !!!! I CAN'T WAIT TO READ IT OMG YES

i mean, if you can’t wait, who am i to deny you? 

both tender fire and bitter squall, a preview

Semi blinks open his eyes, takes one look at the room around him, and immediately turns over in bed, reaching up to smoosh his pillow over his head to stifle his groan. It’s no good, however. The sunlight is already peaking though his skewed curtains, making falling back asleep impossible. His only choice is to roll back over and face the day, as terrible a proposition as that is.

He kicks at the wall with one foot, trying to roll himself and his wrap of blankets to one side, but ends up overjudging the distance. Instead of stopping at the edge of his bed, he ends up rolling too far, landing in a heap of sheets on the floor.

“Damnit.” It takes a moment to extract himself—he’s landed on top of a single shoe, yesterday’s pair of pants and what feels like his guild badge. He gropes behind him for a moment before his fingers land on cool metal, and he pulls the badge up to eyelevel, frowning at it.

Shiratorizawa, also known as the Guild of White Feathers, boasts a badge indicative of the steep costs of joining. It’s shield-shaped, made of white gold and about the size of Semi’s fist. Two birds—a swan and an eagle—are engraved on its front, each embellished by a garnet eye. The back of the badge is engraved with Semi’s name and the date he was officially accepted by the guild. Now, he traces the numbers with his fingers, frowning in thought.

Has it really only been five years? It seems like so much longer than that, so much to let go of, if he had to…

Keep reading

2

CS AU - The Librarian

Killian Jones, the Librarian, has spent most of his tenure working alone. When Belle hires his new Guardian, former police captain Emma Swan, the two immediately clash. The time they don’t spend ignoring one another is dedicated to arguing.

After separating from each other on a quest to reclaim the namesake of Captain Hook, Emma overhears the Lost Boys planning to ambush the Librarian and use him for their own mischief. As much as he annoys her, Emma takes her job as his Guardian seriously, and sets out to find him.

She discovers Killian just before the Lost Boys have him cornered, and startles their ambush. Together, they fight off the Lost Boys. When Killian demands to know why she came back, she merely says, “Because I’m your Guardian. Because it was the right thing to do.” With the tentative bonds of trust forming between them, they set out for the Jolly Roger.

What Your Spirit Does When You Aren’t Sleeping

The fact of the matter is, you are entering a new world when you sleep. You descend the spiral stair case into the frequency that your pineal gland resonates on, and your DNA was birthed from.

Basically, when you are not sleeping your spirit is still there doing things that you would normally do as a human. You’re in two worlds! One world is a dream state induced by activation of the pineal gland, resonating on the highest frequency. The other world is the pineal gland Resonating on the lowest frequency. Both worlds are influenced by receptors. For the low frequency, the GABA receptor is the main frequency; which uses the CANNABINOID SYSTEM as a retrograde frequency. In other words, you have two main neurotransmitters that cause a frequency in the pineal gland! The GABA does the inhibiting effect while Cannabinoid system reverses it through retrograde signaling. The combined result is your consciousness while awake. The main system while sleeping is the Serotonin system. DMT AND MELATONIN being the main molecules which allow activation and resonating on the highest frequency.

Keep reading