Hometowns are a special Bachelor
tradition wherein the Bachelorette visits her four remaining lovers in the
towns they don’t necessarily still live in, care about, or want to remain in after
The Bachelor grants them enough fame to finally move to LA. During Hometowns,
the Bachelorette will get to meet family members ranging from nervous to
disdainful to awkwardly overeager and stage the kinds of deep conversations
that normal people don’t just spontaneously have. A beautiful tradition indeed.
Dead Eric’s Hometown – Baltimore, Maryland
Anticipating Rachel’s arrival, Dead
Eric can’t help but crank some Monster Mash and dance off his excitement. She
arrives, and the two hit the court to play some basketball in flowing button
downs like a sporty Bachelorette Gap ad. Dead Eric’s living pal Ralph Corinnterupts
the game to remind Rachel that Dead Eric has zero romantic capabilities but has
always been good at school and smiling. Ralph is very proud of Dead Eric and
very supportive of the pairing. Considering his timing, lavish praise, and
total avoidance of the topic of death, I do believe Dead Eric hired this man.
Later, Dead Eric and Rachel arrive
at his house and his entire family screams at once. Ironically, Dead Eric’s
family is the most lively bunch of humans on earth. One such lively soul is Dead
Eric’s aunt, who is a ray of damn sunshine. She and Rachel discuss Rachel’s
role as the first black Bachelorette, and she’s supportive when Rachel says she’s
doing her best. Auntie Eric really lights up when the discussion shifts to her nephew
experiencing love, and seems to want that for him even though he is dead.
Dead Eric tells his family he likes
Rachel because she likes church and PG13 movies. He also says that he vowed at
an early age to make things different for himself, and will accept love if love
is the reward for his struggles. It’s a beautiful sentiment from his warm, still-dead
heart. Seizing the right moment, he tells Rachel he loves her.
Bryan’s Hometown – Miami, Florida
Rachel thinks that Miami is just
like Bryan – sweaty, loud, and a little sleazy. Oh wait no, that’s just me.
After a long day playing dominoes with old men and seeing places Pitbull raps
about, Bryan sits Rachel down on a bench, talks about his mother, then sticks
his entire tongue down Rachel’s throat.
Later, they arrive at Bryan’s house
and are greeted by his family. Seeing his son with a woman that is not her,
Bryan’s mom immediately weeps and downs her wine. If looks could kill, Rachel
would disintegrate under mom’s steely glare. Or, since actions can kill, Bryan’s mom decides to tell Rachel
directly that she will kill her.
After such a warm encounter with
his family, Bryan tells Rachel he loves her, and consummates his love with a slobbery
make out session.
Peter’s Hometown - Madison, Wisconsin
Peter takes Rachel to Madison,
Wisconsin and buys her candy from a man in a corncob hat and tries to make her
feel comfortable by showing her he has plenty of black friends.
Later, when they meet the family,
Rachel’s ovaries all but explode seeing Peter play with his niece. His niece’s mother,
Peter’s sister, tosses away her mom jeans and dons her sauciest leather jacket,
torn black jeans, and a sweating cocktail for her fifteen seconds of fame. She
was born to be the sister on Hometowns. Peter’s mother, however, is not as
encouraging about their relationship as his sister. She tells Rachel she
believes Peter will be ready for commitment, but possibly not marriage. This is
blasphemy to Rachel, who drowns her sorrow in Spotted Cow and cheese curds in
the limo ride home.
Dean’s Hometown – Aspen, Colorado (I think)
Dean laughs through the
excruciating experience that is being in the town he hates with the family he
hates and the camera crew that, by this point, he hates. He takes Rachel on an
ATV ride in the hopes that one or both of them will perish in a fiery crash but
neither does, and Dean’s obvious disappointment shows.
Dean hasn’t talked to his father in
six years, and tries not to vomit on his suede shoes as he approaches his house. It is beyond clear that Dean wants nothing to do with exposing the deeply private past that hides behind that door, but they enter to find Dean’s family, including his father sporting purple robes,
purple Crocs, and a Dumbledore beard. All the family members exchange hugs
before Dean’s father invites the group to lay on the floor while he performs a
gong song. Listening to the gong, Dean remembers watching a prison show where
an inmate tries to bite his own tongue off and bleed to death, and thinks that
would be nice right about now.
Later, when Dean and his father
speak privately, Dean accuses him for abandoning him emotionally after the
death of his mother. Dean’s father admits that, yes, he wasn’t there for Dean,
and although this was Dean’s entire point, Dean is somehow still dissatisfied
with the conversation. Rachel attempts
to speak with Dean’s father too, who decides he wants nothing more to do with
this day or the weirdness of this camera crew invading his simple, private
life. Defeated, she goes inside and makes out with Dean, who, in the midst of
an emotional meltdown on his father’s floor mats, tells Rachel he’s falling in
love with her.
The Rose Ceremony
Before the ceremony, Rachel
debriefs on her feelings with Chris Harrison. As tears well in her eyes, Chris
Harrison offers her his pocket square. Rachel wipes her eyes, leaving behind a
sleek green eyeshadow shimmer on the hanky, which Chris Harrison proudly
replaces it on his chest, relishing its new flair. He tells Rachel he’s not
envious of the tough decisions she has to make tonight, but we all know that he
Rachel gathers her last four
boyfriends to tell them she’s feeling feelings of love, but that she must say
goodbye to one of them. She wastes no time. The first rose goes to Bryan, smug
bastard. The second goes to Dead Eric. Chris Harrison pops up out of nowhere
and points at the final rose to indicate that, obviously, it’s the final rose.
Rachel gives the last rose to Peter, meaning that Dean went through the torture
of exposing his terrible family life for nothing. Dean, who is fantastic at not
crying, does not cry, and that is the end of Dean.
We leave this sad episode with a
flashback to Bryan’s parent’s bashing his stupid haircut, and that helps a bit.
The Weirdest Nickname Award goes to
Rachel who calls Dean her “beautiful surprise,” a term generally only used by
the parents of accident babies.
Next week we’re down to our final
three: Peter, Bryan, and Dead Eric. This is about to be emotionally S’painful.
Get it? They’re going to Spain.
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