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The Bachelorette Week Seven aka Game of Hometowns

Here’s What Happened Monday

  • Hometowns are a special Bachelor tradition wherein the Bachelorette visits her four remaining lovers in the towns they don’t necessarily still live in, care about, or want to remain in after The Bachelor grants them enough fame to finally move to LA. During Hometowns, the Bachelorette will get to meet family members ranging from nervous to disdainful to awkwardly overeager and stage the kinds of deep conversations that normal people don’t just spontaneously have. A beautiful tradition indeed.

Dead Eric’s Hometown – Baltimore, Maryland

  • Anticipating Rachel’s arrival, Dead Eric can’t help but crank some Monster Mash and dance off his excitement. She arrives, and the two hit the court to play some basketball in flowing button downs like a sporty Bachelorette Gap ad. Dead Eric’s living pal Ralph Corinnterupts the game to remind Rachel that Dead Eric has zero romantic capabilities but has always been good at school and smiling. Ralph is very proud of Dead Eric and very supportive of the pairing. Considering his timing, lavish praise, and total avoidance of the topic of death, I do believe Dead Eric hired this man.
  • Later, Dead Eric and Rachel arrive at his house and his entire family screams at once. Ironically, Dead Eric’s family is the most lively bunch of humans on earth. One such lively soul is Dead Eric’s aunt, who is a ray of damn sunshine. She and Rachel discuss Rachel’s role as the first black Bachelorette, and she’s supportive when Rachel says she’s doing her best. Auntie Eric really lights up when the discussion shifts to her nephew experiencing love, and seems to want that for him even though he is dead.
  • Dead Eric tells his family he likes Rachel because she likes church and PG13 movies. He also says that he vowed at an early age to make things different for himself, and will accept love if love is the reward for his struggles. It’s a beautiful sentiment from his warm, still-dead heart. Seizing the right moment, he tells Rachel he loves her.

Bryan’s Hometown – Miami, Florida

  • Rachel thinks that Miami is just like Bryan – sweaty, loud, and a little sleazy. Oh wait no, that’s just me. After a long day playing dominoes with old men and seeing places Pitbull raps about, Bryan sits Rachel down on a bench, talks about his mother, then sticks his entire tongue down Rachel’s throat.
  • Later, they arrive at Bryan’s house and are greeted by his family. Seeing his son with a woman that is not her, Bryan’s mom immediately weeps and downs her wine. If looks could kill, Rachel would disintegrate under mom’s steely glare. Or, since actions can kill, Bryan’s mom decides to tell Rachel directly that she will kill her.
  • After such a warm encounter with his family, Bryan tells Rachel he loves her, and consummates his love with a slobbery make out session.

Peter’s Hometown - Madison, Wisconsin

  • Peter takes Rachel to Madison, Wisconsin and buys her candy from a man in a corncob hat and tries to make her feel comfortable by showing her he has plenty of black friends.
  • Later, when they meet the family, Rachel’s ovaries all but explode seeing Peter play with his niece. His niece’s mother, Peter’s sister, tosses away her mom jeans and dons her sauciest leather jacket, torn black jeans, and a sweating cocktail for her fifteen seconds of fame. She was born to be the sister on Hometowns. Peter’s mother, however, is not as encouraging about their relationship as his sister. She tells Rachel she believes Peter will be ready for commitment, but possibly not marriage. This is blasphemy to Rachel, who drowns her sorrow in Spotted Cow and cheese curds in the limo ride home.

Dean’s Hometown – Aspen, Colorado (I think)

  • Dean laughs through the excruciating experience that is being in the town he hates with the family he hates and the camera crew that, by this point, he hates. He takes Rachel on an ATV ride in the hopes that one or both of them will perish in a fiery crash but neither does, and Dean’s obvious disappointment shows.
  • Dean hasn’t talked to his father in six years, and tries not to vomit on his suede shoes as he approaches his house. It is beyond clear that Dean wants nothing to do with exposing the deeply private past that hides behind that door, but they enter to find Dean’s family, including his father sporting purple robes, purple Crocs, and a Dumbledore beard. All the family members exchange hugs before Dean’s father invites the group to lay on the floor while he performs a gong song. Listening to the gong, Dean remembers watching a prison show where an inmate tries to bite his own tongue off and bleed to death, and thinks that would be nice right about now.
  • Later, when Dean and his father speak privately, Dean accuses him for abandoning him emotionally after the death of his mother. Dean’s father admits that, yes, he wasn’t there for Dean, and although this was Dean’s entire point, Dean is somehow still dissatisfied with the conversation.  Rachel attempts to speak with Dean’s father too, who decides he wants nothing more to do with this day or the weirdness of this camera crew invading his simple, private life. Defeated, she goes inside and makes out with Dean, who, in the midst of an emotional meltdown on his father’s floor mats, tells Rachel he’s falling in love with her.

The Rose Ceremony

  • Before the ceremony, Rachel debriefs on her feelings with Chris Harrison. As tears well in her eyes, Chris Harrison offers her his pocket square. Rachel wipes her eyes, leaving behind a sleek green eyeshadow shimmer on the hanky, which Chris Harrison proudly replaces it on his chest, relishing its new flair. He tells Rachel he’s not envious of the tough decisions she has to make tonight, but we all know that he deeply is.
  • Rachel gathers her last four boyfriends to tell them she’s feeling feelings of love, but that she must say goodbye to one of them. She wastes no time. The first rose goes to Bryan, smug bastard. The second goes to Dead Eric. Chris Harrison pops up out of nowhere and points at the final rose to indicate that, obviously, it’s the final rose. Rachel gives the last rose to Peter, meaning that Dean went through the torture of exposing his terrible family life for nothing. Dean, who is fantastic at not crying, does not cry, and that is the end of Dean.

Miscellaneous

  • We leave this sad episode with a flashback to Bryan’s parent’s bashing his stupid haircut, and that helps a bit.
  • The Weirdest Nickname Award goes to Rachel who calls Dean her “beautiful surprise,” a term generally only used by the parents of accident babies.
  • Next week we’re down to our final three: Peter, Bryan, and Dead Eric. This is about to be emotionally S’painful. Get it? They’re going to Spain.
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Black and White 

Make Up Used: 

Eye-Shadow: 

- China White - Jeffree Star Beauty Killer Palette

Eye Liner: 

- Black - Soap&Glory Crazy Sexy Khol 

Highlighter: 

- Cachaca - Sleek Rio Rio Palette

- Black Rainbow - Jeffree Star Beauty Killer Palette

Lips: 

- Weirdo - Jeffree Star 

- China White - Jeffree Star Beauty Killer Palette

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The Markiplier Collection

A set of sleek eyeshadow and lip color palettes, inspired by Mark Fishbach. Markiplier Lite would be a standard eyeshadow palette with its own unique colors. Tiny Box Tim, a set of oranges, browns, peaches, and grays, would be the ideal compact eyeshadow palette. Markiplier GO! is designed to be a travel set that includes black eyeshadow along with two shades of gray, and a slightly dark red lip color that would compliment all skin tones. Suck It is another compact case, this time full of three nude and one dark red lip colors. Last but not least, we have the ideally bestselling Horror Palette with a mix of matte, satin, and shimmery eyeshadow inspired by popular horror games Mark has played throughout the years. I don’t know about you, but I’d buy and rock the shit out of these colors. markiplierswhatifs