some of my favorite silly plotlines from Scottish ballads
Small village thinks illicit whiskey stills are its biggest problem until raiders show up and trash their everything. Death, destruction, etc. Raiders find whiskey still, get lit, pass out. Villagers murder them. Peace restored. Whiskey is king.
Shepherd lad spots fair maid skinny-dipping. Fair maid pleads for her virtue and/or clothing. Shepherd lad is complete gentleman, escorts her home with clothing and virtue intact. Fair maid demands to know what she has to do to get laid around here.
Plucky heroine’s boyfriend goes to sea, fails to return.
Plucky heroine dresses in drag and goes to find him. Plucky heroine discovers
boyfriend happily married to someone else. Plucky heroine shoots his head right
Do Not Stop By The Local Weaver’s House, You Will Get So
Pregnant, Like, Super Pregnant, I’m Not Kidding, This Has Been A Public Service
Wealthy farmwife habitually searches her maidservants’ dorm
for SIGNS OF MEN out of concern for their virtue. Maids less concerned for
their virtue are having None Of It. Maids hide scarecrow in dorm, farm mistakes
scarecrow for prowler, farmwife decapitates scarecrow. Farmwife believes
herself a murderer. Maids now permitted to do as they please, virtue-wise.
Idiot son sent to market to sell cow. Scheming lass seduces
idiot son out of cow, pants, and even shoes.
Dad returns from business trip to find daughter Super
Pregnant, demands to meet the man responsible. Dad takes one look at man
responsible and tells daughter “okay, you’re off the hook, I would have banged
Handsome stranger bribes fair maid to leave town with him.
Fair maid rejects various bribes until handsome stranger flat-out offers her
money, which she accepts. Handsome stranger turns out to be, to no one’s great
surprise, the actual devil. Fair maid regrets her life choices.
Gallant knight goes forth to slay dragon. Dragon eats knight, but has indigestion.
ETA: If anyone has been reblogging this and wants to know what the songs are, here is the list! Or if you’re too lazy to click things, The Devil Uisge Beatha + Shepherd Lad + Billy Taylor + Tae The Weaver’s Gin Ye Go + The Straw Man + Cow Song + Willie Winsbury + The Devil’s Courtship + Sir Eglamore
The morning after Sarah Williams defeats the Goblin King, she gets up and makes toast. She has to brush some glitter off the toaster—it withers and vanishes at the brush of her fingertips, and she stares at her hand for a long time.
It mostly just looks like her hand. Even when she turns it over, and sees where she scraped her knuckles against the oubliette, where the shattered mirror cut the back of her wrist. It looks like she fell, or was playing in the street. That’s all.
The toast comes out burned, and Sarah stares at that too. Eventually, she slumps down against the cabinets and cries, wracking sobs that send her dad and Karen rushing into kitchen. They check her forehead for a fever, put their hands on her, and keep asking, “Are you okay? Sarah, please, tell us what’s wrong…”
Eventually, her dad drags her into his lap and cradles her against his chest, like he did when she was little. Her legs are too long to really fit anymore, but Sarah hugs him around the neck anyway. “It’ll be okay,” he says, keeps saying. “You’ll be okay.” And Sarah—doesn’t laugh, because she can’t, and doesn’t have the words to express what—how—
(None of her stories ever talked about this. What did Sir George do, the morning after he slayed the last dragon in England? Did Tam Lin eat breakfast, or did he sit there, shivering, wondering if his hands were different, having been claws and wings and scales?)
Afterwards, she leaves the burnt toast outside on the back porch. Not an offering. Maybe a reminder.
It’s Didymus she sees the most often, mostly because he’s the one who invites himself rather than waiting for an invitation. He comes for tea, but even if there’s no tea—which there isn’t, usually—he comes to tell Sarah stories. She learns to love poetry because there’s no escaping it with him. (She won’t read Idylls of the King until Brit Lit in college, but she ends up scrawling a lot in the margins; Didymus’ telling of events had been much more interesting.)
Once, she falls asleep like that, her hands tucked behind her head with Didymus curled up and sleepily reciting from the crook of her elbow. “So tender was her voice, so fair her face—though I don’t think he was looking at her face, my lady, pardon me for saying so—”
Sarah buries her nose in his fur. Didymus always smells of rosewater, and a crispness she thinks is just…the Labyrinth. She falls asleep trying to place it.
She wakes up with a wild fox in her bed, animal-black eyes frightened and flat, teeth bared. The fox is whining, and she’s tempted to throw herself across the room, to get away from this wild thing and its teeth. It takes a monumental will to keep herself still and her breathing slow, even; like she’s still asleep and unafraid.
It takes her longer to swallow, and start humming one of the songs he taught her—a knight’s round, he’d said. She’s shaky at first, but the fox’s ears flick forward. It cocks its head, and slowly, the teeth disappear behind its lips.
She almost laughs when noses at her throat curiously, butting its head against her jaw like a cat might.
“Cooking is at once child’s play and adult joy. And cooking done with care is an act of love.” ― Craig Claiborne
Nalu | Chef/RivalsToLovers AU part 1/? words: 1475 rated: M read: all
I can’t even believe it myself, but I am… back?! And it feels great. :’) I know I haven’t written in ages but I hope you haven’t forgotten me entirely my pals my buddies my frends… and this time around I’m writing about one of the great loves of my life: food. ;) Well, maybe not only about food. But there will be food. Yum.
Cooking, despite what some might try to tell you, is an art.
It is art, and it is magic. There is art in an idea, in the careful execution, in the swirls and patterns of thoughtful arrangement on a simple plate. There is magic in old, scribbled recipes that endure time, in the love you pour into your creations, in that first bite. It is in the smiles of the people who taste your food, in the way they come to know you without ever having met you, because you took a part of your soul and held it to their lips.
The art of cooking—
“Oh, for fuck’s sake!”
Resisting the urge to hurl her pen against the next wall, Lucy Heartfilia leaned back in her chair and closed her eyes. Maybe this was why she had not become a food critic in the end. As much as she loved writing, it did not come easy to her. It was hard. What she could do, however – what she had taught herself to do with passion and endurance – was to create dishes that spoke for her. Or at least she hoped that was what she did. Some days, she didn’t know anymore.
Maybe this wasn’t the best time in her life to be writing an article for a renowned food magazine, when she wasn’t even sure if she deserved to be in it. With a heavy sigh, she tucked a loose strand of hair behind her ear and tried to focus on the task at hand.
But she did not finish it that night, or the night after.
“Chef, appetizer for table six is ready to go.”
“Thanks, Cana. Gajeel, ready to go on the main?”
“Cana, send it out. Gajeel, start in five. I want this energy to continue, alright team?”
Lucy was in her element. She was in control. Everything happening was happening as it should; the magic (as she liked to call it) was flowing splendidly tonight. Yesterday’s doubts were still in the back of her mind, the anxiety over that new restaurant across the street a thorn in her side, but for tonight she pushed it all away. This year, she reassured herself, would be the year she would finally earn her first michelin star.
There was no one who could do it like Lucy Heartfilia. No restaurant that could rival The Fairy’s Tail, not in this street or this city or the entire fucking country. She had to believe this.
“Chef. Chef! Lucy!”
Blinking away her stupor, Lucy gave a start. She found herself confronted with the stern face of her head waitress, Aquarius. She swallowed. The scowl on her face bode nothing well.
“The guest at table seven asked to speak to you.”
All that Lucy heard in her tone and bearing was ‘What did you do wrong now, silly girl?’ but she merely nodded and skidded away from the woman’s likely wrath. Lucy might be her boss, but god, could Aquarius still be scary after all these years.
Scary, too, was the prospect of meeting that guest. It didn’t help that Aquarius had not hinted at the nature of the request. Would she be met with a complaint or a compliment?
Pondering this simple yet nerve-wrecking question, she made her way through the kitchen doors and out into the dining area, into her restaurant. For Lucy, it was the kitchen which felt most like home: this was where she lived as much as she worked. But here, amidst neatly decked tables and careful arrangements, amidst the sound of conversation, softly clinking cutlery and low laughter, here was where the soul of her restaurant lay. It felt good to remember that from time to time. Here, what she did felt easy and joyful and right. The blood, sweat and tears that had brought her to this point lay behind her, forgotten easily in the face of what her work could accomplish. Steaming plates, inviting dishes, colourful details… it all looked so simple, despite the hours of thought so many people had put into it. Her food brought people together; it made them smile.
And that was all she had ever wanted, in a way.
The table she was headed for was one of the small ones close to the wall, with the soft emerald cushions. There was only one person sitting there, comfortably lodged between table and wall, looking entirely at peace with the world. Some of the tension dropped off Lucy’s shoulders. His eyes moved and caught her approaching, and the smile that spread across his face lit up his eyes in a way that was, she found, entirely pleasant. A very good, content smile.
Her initial impression, however, was quickly redacted when she arrived at the table and he opened his mouth.
Aries: the adventurer, she will be your human alarm clock and morning coffee all into one, she will tease you a lot and say ‘just kidding!’ at the end of it, she is very touchy-feely, warm and has a heart of gold. her love is priceless and strong. you’ll wake up with her in a tent in a foreign country as she sleeps nosily next to you and you’ll pull her in closer with a smile on your face.
Taurus: the poet, the one that relates every song she hears, movie she watches, and poem she reads, to you. she cares for you like no other with every empathetic bone in her body. she will love you through the very roughest of times. you can never win an argument against her though. when she is sad, when she is happy, when she is angry: everything she says will sound like a poem and you’ll wonder how you got so lucky. Gemini: the kitten, she will make every day different, her kisses will slow time, her laugh will echo through your bones and sometimes you will get annoyed that she is so loud but when she is gone, the silence will feel like torture. she is playful and erratic, she studies you every day and leans you slowly. she guards her heart like a game but gives you whispers of walkthroughs in her smile.
Cancer: the daydream, the one that isn’t afraid to tell you how much she loves you every single day. will avoid confrontation like the plague. she will want to do every romantic thing in the book with you like slow dance in the kitchen at 2am while you make dinner together. she could write you a novel about the little things she loves about you that no one else even notices. she feels like home.
Leo: the pleaser, she will want to share her life with you, will be very open, loving and generous. her friends become your friends. will not stop taking selfies of you two together though. she will indulge in your happiness. she will make time for you through her busy day as if you two are the only sole survivors of an apocalypse. she will protect you from the things she had to endure.
Virgo: the submissive, likes to pretend she is tough and in control but she is willing to do anything you ask of her tbh. she likes to make you happy and see you smile. she wants to be your best friend and the love of your life at the same time. she can get snappy when she’s having a bad day but most of the time is very chill and humorous. she’s the type to drop all her work and show up for you when you most need it.
Libra: the mediator, the intellectual, the flirt. she will wake you up with rose petals but make you chase her all day. she loves to just talk to you 24/7 and keep the peace. she’s the type to plan a busy day for the both of you tomorrow but she won’t wake you up because she thinks you look too perfect and you’ll both spend the whole day cuddling instead.
Scorpio: the warrior- will never want to leave you no matter how badly you treat her but can make your life a passive aggressive hell instead. she will respect you, always listen to you and court you- she’ll want to tell you her deepest pains at 3 in the morning while you sleep as if you are her own personal diary. she’s the type to show up in the rain at 2am after a fight and angrily kiss you without saying a word, it’ll feel like heaven and hell collided.
Sagittarius: the traveller, she’ll travel your mind in ways you never thought someone could- she’ll ask just the right questions to known you better than you know yourself. she always knows what’s wrong and she always knows what to say. she’s the girl to tell you how it is, she doesn’t live in a fairytale but she makes reality seem like a dream. when you lay in bed with her at night you’ll be pinching yourself to make sure.
Capricorn: the teacher, she’ll teach you how it’s like to live as her, she’ll teach you how to be a better person. she’ll teach you so many things about yourself that you feel lost without her. she puts her walls high, but she expects you to make the effort if you care about her. she is deeply romantic and compassionate: her love with soothe any pain you face throughout your days and she’ll teach you that you’re never alone in anything you do if you have her.
Aquarius: the stranger, she’s so wonderfully unique and insane you’ll never find a love like hers again. she’s like flirting with a stranger on the train. she’s the most interesting conversation you’ve ever had. she’s like a once-in-a-lifetime photo captured, right in front of you. she will detach much like a stranger, then go all in like you’ve known her your whole life. she’ll make you question everything about love and it’s purpose, you will decide it is painful and strange, and yet you will still fall madly for her.
Pisces: the princess, once you slay the dragon and make her yours, she will sacrifice a lot for you and work to keep you happy. she will introduce you to her perfect dreamland and provide a place at the throne. to her, you are royalty and she treats you like you are irreplaceable. she is a princess: graceful, friendly, strong. she loves to be loved, by you, and everyone. she dreams of a prince who can make her feel as loved as the heroines she constantly reads about.