HIGHLY REQUESTED: Part two of “The Ultimate Mistake”
I could feel his presence before I could see him, every inch of my body standing straight at attention as his familiar ‘Versace’ cologne tickled my nose, waiting for any form of recognition from the boy it had learned to crave, for the touch it yearned for. He was standing directly behind me, his soft warm breath tickling the back of my tanned neck, brushing loose strands of hair over the flowers inked into the delicate skin. “I know you said you didn’t want to talk,” he began, my body shivering at the sound of his voice as I kept my eyes glued to the music video set before me, begging myself not to turn around. “So I’ll talk, you can listen.”
The pain in his voice shatters my heart into smithereens, the feeling like a knife being stabbed into my gut, twisting to make me feel the guilt I’ve been trying so hard to ignore. He hit me. He hurt me. And yet I feel like I’m the one who should be apologizing, the effect he’s always had on me. Despite my better judgement, I turn, my eyes landing on his golden orbs of emotion and I immediately want to break down into tears. “You haven’t been sleeping.” I state quietly, my gaze studying the dark bags that were almost impossible to notice if I wasn’t studying everything about him.
Justin nods his head as my left hand reaches up, my hand holding his cheek as my thumb traces softly under my favorite feature of his, wishing a single swipe of my finger could take away the imperfection that had been put there because of me. “There’s been a lot on my mind,” Justin trails off, his eyes avoiding mine as I quickly drop my hand from his face, realizing what I’m doing. No. He doesn’t get to get away with this that easily. I lick my lips playing with the bandana on the top of my head as I study the rest of his appearance, noting the intense shake of his hands and the constant fidgeting as he stands in front of me dressed in his music video outfit. “Sleeping hasn’t seemed important.” He continues softly, taking a step closer to me as if he doesn’t want anyone else to hear.
“You’re shaking.” I say, realizing his usual anxiety meds that I make sure he takes with his morning coffee hasn’t been in his system for days.
“No shit,” Justin spits, agitated as he runs his hand over the top of his head, letting out a huff of air. His words don’t catch me off guard like they used to, when his anxiety takes over, there’s a new side to Justin not even his mother knows. The words fill the space between us and i roll my eyes, annoyed at his childish outburst as his eyes fill with regret. It’s always the same game. “I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I’m just, I don’t know, I just, I miss you Y/N.” His response makes me push him away from me by the stomach, standing up from the barstool and walking away from the day that was suppose to be a day to get away from the Justin drama.
“Yo, JB, what the fuck man?” I hear Quavo yell as I push past the cast and crew of the music video, heading for the gate that will lead me to the outside. I just need to breathe, I need to be alone. From behind me Justin is yelling my name, calling for me to turn around, to come talk to him, but the thought of facing someone that cares so little about me makes my blood boil in anger.
Finally breaking through the gate I slip the red and white pack of cigarettes from the back pocket of my skin tight blue jeans, already flicking the cheetah print covered bic lighter and lighting the end of the orange and white stick, loving the feeling of the familiar taste soaking down my throat as i inhale deeply. “You’re smoking again?” Justin asks, coming up next to me as I feel a tear fall down my right cheek. I snatch my arm away from his grip as he tries to take the cigarette from between my manicured fingers. “Give it to me, Y/N.”
“Or what? You’ll hit me again?” I spit, my eyes staring into his, both of us filled with anger. “Fuck off, Justin. You lost any bit of control you had on me the moment you gave me a black eye.” I continued, remembering how I wore dark sunglasses for the first 3 weeks to cover the bruise. I put the cigarette to my lips, taking another drag as Justin inches closer to me, so close that when I exhale, i carelessly release the smoke into his face, knowing it will fuel his fire. “You’re an asshole.”
“And you’re a bitch.” Justin says, so calmly as if it’s the easiest thing for him to say. “What?” He smirks, when my jaw falls slightly in shock. “I thought we were stating facts.” Before I know what I’m doing, my right hand is dropping the cigarette to the ground and connecting with the side of his face, the sound echoing throughout the empty parking lot. Justin nods his head, his jaw tightening as a red hand print starts to form on his face.
Tears leak from my eyes as Justin checks for blood in the corner of his mouth with the pad of his thumb. “Stay away from me.” I retort, pushing past Justin, my shoulder bumping into his. I get only a few steps before his grip is on my wrist, roughly turning me around to face him.
“What do you want, huh? Tell me what you want.” He yells as I cry mercilessly, trying to pull my wrist from his hand. “Tell me what you need me to do. Tell me what I need to say for this to all go away.” Justin knew that I wasn’t upset with being hit, although it was the biggest mistake he could have made, he knew, as stupid as it was, my love for him was much greater.
“I want you to love me!” I scream, louder then i wanted it to be. “I want you to treat me the way you treat, Selena. I want you to think more of me then the scum on the bottom of your shoe.” I cry, as Justin slowly let’s go of my wrist, his eyes searching mine. “I want to not feel like I need you to breathe, but I do don’t I? You are so far under my skin, I don’t know what it means to live without you.”
Justin’s places his hands on both sides of my face, his forehead dropping onto mine. “I love you,” Justin says, so softly i almost didn’t hear him. “You mean more then you could ever imagine to me, I’ve been a mess without you. But as much as I love you, I still love her.” My heart falls into my stomach as he makes his choice, I was stupid. He would always pick her. “I love her, but I can’t lose you.”
“Fuck. You.” I finally whisper, shaking my head as I back away from Justin. Realizing he doesn’t care, he never cared, so why should I? “I’ll never be enough, huh? I’ll never be like her, so what’s the point? Why even try?” The tears fall harder from my eyes as I watch Justin, yet again, stand and do nothing but watch as I fall from his grip. “When the anxiety is too much, don’t call me. When Scooter’s on your case, don’t call me. When you need a good fuck, don’t call me. You know what, just don’t call me, k, ever again. Everyone was right about you. You are the prick of pop music.”