Hey, did you hear about the western Antarctic ice sheet? The melting there has reached the point of no return, which means we’re getting an extra ten feet added to our sea levels in the near future. A clear and direct threat to human life as we know it—we should be rioting in the streets, or at least posting more ice memes than net neutrality memes, right? Instead, as everyone knows, the scourge of the postmodern world, the Millennial generation, is too busy updating Snapchat on the iPhones they bought with their parents’ credit cards. But is it really all our fault?
Generation X has a lot more to do with our current shitshow than they believe. I’m not blaming them for the way the world looks—that’s on the Boomers—but our big brothers and sisters in Gen X screwed up our cultural priorities by teaching Millennials that self-obsession is the highest mark of cultural capital.
Hey! I finally had a minute of free time in between wrapping up senior year, planning prom, training for a half marathon, and practicing lacrosse to post the March pep talk I drew. This one was much needed.
From the perspective of someone who’s been swamped lately (see: above and also the fact that I’m posting this on March 25th), remember to take a bit of a step back and keep things in perspective. Let it go, this too shall pass.
An A-Z Guide to Making Your Indie Rock Band Not Suck in 2014
Indie dudes in indie bands: Can you just put everything down and stop for a second? Literally everyone else making music: You are OK. Carry on with what you are doing. Jazz singers, old guys in shitty blues cover bands, art kids layering their voices into shimmering soundscapes usingMelodyne, next-levelers coming up with drone metal/Philly disco hybrids, Satanic choirs, DJs who perform using wind-up gramophones… literally everyone except indie dudes in indie bands, just keep on keeping on. (Note: for the purposes of this article, girls can be dudes too.) This A-to-Z is of no use to you. You are already saved: go treat yourself to a Snickers.
Now, indie dudes, I’ve got something for you to read. Print it out and put it on your fridge Or just continue to stare out of the window, composing lyrics about your ex who won’t give you your skateboard back and coming up with chord changes that even that bald Mormon sex-case Will Oldham would have thrown away for being too insipid. The choice is yours.
A is for Anarchy: In all creative enterprises there is no authority greater than yourself. The second you start chasing fads you are dead in the water artistically. Plus, unless you’re extremely lucky, it won’t do you any commercial favors either. For example, if your unsigned band has a triangle in its name as a replacement for the letter A, why not instead form a new band that dresses in giant turd costumes and hats made out of plastic dog shit and rename yourself Fecal Fred and the Fucking Turd Hats? You will literally have more of a chance of getting signed and acquiring an audience than you will by chasing after 2009’s lamest and most insubstantial trend. Think for yourself—it doesn’t cost anything.
B is for Bullshit: Don’t believe in rock mythology. None of it is true. Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips penned such classics as “Should We Keep the Severed Head Awake??” and “Oh My Pregnant Head (Labia in the Sunlight),” but do you know how many times he took LSD ever? Four times. When I was in a band (who you will not have heard of), we used to take LSD at every practice. The more scientifically-minded among you will be able to find some correlation between these two facts.
“I’ve definitely done quite a few collab videos with Y/N,” Dan said, “Who, if you’ve never seen their videos, has some of the best content I’ve seen, literally.”
The interviewer nodded, jotting down a few notes and opened their mouth to ask a follow-up question but Dan continued on.
“I mean seriously, Y/N is so funny and on point in every single video,” Dan shook his head with a laugh, somewhere far away now. “I actually lost hours the day I found their channel.”
The interviewer smiled at Dan, waiting to be sure he was done this time.
“And what about…other YouTubers?”
Dan seemed to realize himself then, his eyes going wide as he let out an incredulous laugh and brought his hand to his face.
“Did I just answer the whole question talking about Y/N? Oh god. That’s–that’s not problematic at all, is it?” he asked. “I think I’ll lie on the floor and assess what this means later. Let’s keep going.”
The interviewer gave him a gentle smile, saying nothing as Dan gave another small laugh and forced himself to stop thinking of you.