Hey, did you hear about the western Antarctic ice sheet? The melting there has reached the point of no return, which means we’re getting an extra ten feet added to our sea levels in the near future. A clear and direct threat to human life as we know it—we should be rioting in the streets, or at least posting more ice memes than net neutrality memes, right? Instead, as everyone knows, the scourge of the postmodern world, the Millennial generation, is too busy updating Snapchat on the iPhones they bought with their parents’ credit cards. But is it really all our fault?
Generation X has a lot more to do with our current shitshow than they believe. I’m not blaming them for the way the world looks—that’s on the Boomers—but our big brothers and sisters in Gen X screwed up our cultural priorities by teaching Millennials that self-obsession is the highest mark of cultural capital.
An A-Z Guide to Making Your Indie Rock Band Not Suck in 2014
Indie dudes in indie bands: Can you just put everything down and stop for a second? Literally everyone else making music: You are OK. Carry on with what you are doing. Jazz singers, old guys in shitty blues cover bands, art kids layering their voices into shimmering soundscapes usingMelodyne, next-levelers coming up with drone metal/Philly disco hybrids, Satanic choirs, DJs who perform using wind-up gramophones… literally everyone except indie dudes in indie bands, just keep on keeping on. (Note: for the purposes of this article, girls can be dudes too.) This A-to-Z is of no use to you. You are already saved: go treat yourself to a Snickers.
Now, indie dudes, I’ve got something for you to read. Print it out and put it on your fridge Or just continue to stare out of the window, composing lyrics about your ex who won’t give you your skateboard back and coming up with chord changes that even that bald Mormon sex-case Will Oldham would have thrown away for being too insipid. The choice is yours.
A is for Anarchy: In all creative enterprises there is no authority greater than yourself. The second you start chasing fads you are dead in the water artistically. Plus, unless you’re extremely lucky, it won’t do you any commercial favors either. For example, if your unsigned band has a triangle in its name as a replacement for the letter A, why not instead form a new band that dresses in giant turd costumes and hats made out of plastic dog shit and rename yourself Fecal Fred and the Fucking Turd Hats? You will literally have more of a chance of getting signed and acquiring an audience than you will by chasing after 2009’s lamest and most insubstantial trend. Think for yourself—it doesn’t cost anything.
B is for Bullshit: Don’t believe in rock mythology. None of it is true. Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips penned such classics as “Should We Keep the Severed Head Awake??” and “Oh My Pregnant Head (Labia in the Sunlight),” but do you know how many times he took LSD ever? Four times. When I was in a band (who you will not have heard of), we used to take LSD at every practice. The more scientifically-minded among you will be able to find some correlation between these two facts.
Last weekend we spent the night on The Chief in Squamish, British Columbia. I had dreamed of suspending myself above the town of Squamish in this spot since I visited it in the summer and saw Spencer and the crew at Slacklife BC walking the Highlines over 900 ft above solid ground. It is an awe-inspiring sight to see.
Click to enter to win a hammock from The Suspended Life: bit.ly/1MFv1Ts
A few months later I went to Cypress and Hammocked above the waterfalls almost 100 feet high. After doing that, I knew it was time to step up to Squamish, so I joined the Slacklife Crew for some amazing times camping out at the top.
I’ve had some heat coming back from these photos as some people think I am risking my life to get some great shots and promote my business. This is not the case, I want everyone to know, I practice extreme safety when hammockingin an extreme scenario such as this.
I wear a harness at all times and am never unclipped from a solid ring which goes around the slackline which is backed up with 2 lines so it is almost impossible for anything to go wrong with this many correct safety measures in place.
I always stress to anyone using my products or other hammocks that your equipment is what is saving your life, Although I trust my hammock with my life, if I am ever setting it up more than a foot high I always make sure I have Carabiners and ropes which I know are rated to carry more than 10x my bodyweight.
Our hammocks all are printed with the message ‘Hammock Responsibly’ and what this means is know your equipment, check your ropes for wear and tear every time, and always ensure your carabiners are properly closed before putting any weight on them.
So get out there, Get cool photos like these, but in the end always remember, know your equipment, check your equipment and as always…