Hey, did you hear about the western Antarctic ice sheet? The melting there has reached the point of no return, which means we’re getting an extra ten feet added to our sea levels in the near future. A clear and direct threat to human life as we know it—we should be rioting in the streets, or at least posting more ice memes than net neutrality memes, right? Instead, as everyone knows, the scourge of the postmodern world, the Millennial generation, is too busy updating Snapchat on the iPhones they bought with their parents’ credit cards. But is it really all our fault?
Generation X has a lot more to do with our current shitshow than they believe. I’m not blaming them for the way the world looks—that’s on the Boomers—but our big brothers and sisters in Gen X screwed up our cultural priorities by teaching Millennials that self-obsession is the highest mark of cultural capital.
“i love you, but i hate you, which brings to mind how much i love you. we could’ve worked this out, you know. in a little room, in a little locked room. i’m sorry you had to settle for dave, the one-dimensional man. he’s filed under ‘cocksucker’ in my little black book. sweetness can rot your teeth. bittersweet cacophony. but, you hold the key, you hold the key to my little locked room. you hold the key, you hold the key to my little lock. please let me out soon. i luh you.”