A lot of people have expressed a desire for an update on President Donald J. Trump’s health since his inauguration. I have been the personal physician of President Donald J. Trump since 1980 and I am here to say that Mr. Trump’s health is absolutely better than ever.
Since being sworn in, Donald Trump has lost 50 pounds and gained 17 inches of height. He’s the longest president who has ever lived. His livers are both functioning flawlessly. His blood sets an all-time record for the state of New York for “most” and his blood pressure was rated “excellent” by seven different Fox News Twitter polls. He doesn’t even have one cholesterol.
I can say this unequivocally: Donald Trump has the most bones. Scientists estimate that he now has around 900 bones in his body and more are being discovered every day. Some of those bones have never been seen before. They allow him to be really good at presidential things like signing executive orders and making love nightly to his wife who wants him to.
Mr. Trump’s test results have been astonishingly excellent. He actually has a blood type we’ve never seen before: “All.” It’s both the universal donor and universal recipient, and sprinkling it on your penis makes your penis bigger. Mr. Trump’s blood is gorgeous. It has a rich color that’s hard to describe, but if I had to put it into words, I might call it “red.”
President Donald Trump has no family history of cancer, diabetes, or death. The president’s family members are immortal beings that walk the earth without end, craving the sweet release of death that will never come unless they make a deal with a cool witch. Donald Trump will never die, he will just keep growing vertically forever until he lives in space. It’s really astonishing.
His physical strength is extraordinary. He can lift as much as a mother whose child is trapped under a car, but he’s more attractive than that mother and he hasn’t let himself go like she has. Have you seen the way she dresses lately? The hypothetical mother in this simile is a total chunk. 4 at best. As the famous doctor Hippocrates once said, “Would not hit.”
Since the Inauguration, Mr. Trump has kept an extremely active lifestyle. He starts every morning by walking straight up into the sky and then walking down again. He also visits me regularly for checkups. Mr. Trump doesn’t let me touch him because of gay, so I just eyeball it and give him a once over. I can usually tell just by looking how much blood is in him that day or which liver has taken the lead, so it’s not a super intensive process.
Mr. Trump is not only the healthiest president that has ever served, but also the most handsome. I usually want to kiss President Trump when I see him, but I would never break the doctor-patient trust, so instead I kiss the portrait of him I drew on my little note pad. There have been no presidents that even come close to President Trump in terms of overall health and hotness. Franklin Pierce was pretty hot, but his body wasn’t great. James Garfield was more cute than hot. President Trump is the total package. I know this because of my stethoscope.
Just to give a little more background on me, I’ve been a doctor for years. I got into medicine the same way a lot of doctors do: I once took an unmarked pill that I found under a toilet in a public restroom, and the next thing I knew, I was blacked out doing surgery on a man on a Benihana table with the big knives they got over there. I flipped this guy’s appendix right into my hat. And that’s when I caught the bug, for surgery and for tetanus!
Now, I want to address some of the slanderous things that have been said about me. It’s just like these coastal elites to say I’m not qualified as a physician. They think you need fancy things, like a diploma from Harvard Med School or a diploma from a med school or a GED or a car or medicine or clean hands. You don’t need those to be a doctor! All you need is the right attitude and a good sense of humor and to be Jewish and a blank death certificate just in case!
This is America. We’re not “fancy” here. You’re supposed to be able to pull yourself up by your bootstraps and put a bunch of clamps in a guy and see what tubes you can clamp up without making him sleep forever. My grandfather was a blue-collar worker, and so was my father. I am a red-collar worker because my collar is always covered in spurting blood. I may not know art or science or what a “lung” is, but I do know that I love America and am a lung-doctor!
Because of my love of America and Donald Trump, it is an honor to be his physician. Donald Trump could teach us all a thing or two about health. Not only is he the healthiest human ever, but also the healthiest dog, house and Faberge Egg. I wish him luck as he continues on his endless journey.
“Doctor” Harold N. Bornstein, M.D. (Mostly Doctor)
from overcoming hardships, achieving goals, and growing together as a team, bangtan has truly come a long way. 2017 has definitely been the year where they spread their wings and flew so high in the sky. let’s continue to walk on this flower path together with bangtan and share more beautiful memories!
“Why do stars fall down from the sky, every time you walk by? Just like me, they long to be, close to you.” Have this week’s rather timely weekly spread, I hope this is a productive and relaxing holiday for me ! ! ! ( 2 4 / 0 2 / 2 0 1 7 )
“Fuckin houses falling from the damn sky , walking huts that want to eat you, perverted Sky daddy, classist bigots , and a suicidal adventurer that thinks he is immortal.” This is the world our party lives in
Three Elements Home Blessing and Protection Ritual
Incense, or Sage Bundle - for smoke cleansing, to cleanse and protect with the “Sky”
Purified Water in a small bowl (optional ingredients include salt or herbs) - for saining, to cleanse and protect with the “Sea”
Protection Salt and Herbs (I’ll be adding lavender for peace and purification, and rosemary for protection and remembrance) - for protection of doorways, windows, and portals - to protect with the “Land”
Chant, Spell or Prayer of Intention - This step is best if you make it yourself, with your magical paradigms. Here is mine - “By the power of elements three, by the power of land, sky, and sea, I cleanse and protect this home to keep us safe from all harm.” I also have one for each element e.i. “By the power of the sea, keep harm away from me”.
In an empty house, or apartment, open all doors and windows, including closets, bathrooms, etc. Start at what is to be the heart or center of the home, (the hearth, the bedroom, the living area, kitchen, etc) walk walk the perimeter of the home clockwise. If you wish to banish all spirits, spirits that mean you harm, all entities, whatever it is- do so at this time. Once you set your protections, you may accidentally banish or piss off ‘people’ you want to be friendly with. Walk the perimeter and focus on all the good memories you want to make here, the creating that will be done here, the hospitality you will offer guests, etc.
Sky - Come back to start and light your “Sky” representation. Walk clockwise, chanting your spell. Aim the smoke at the ceiling, walking the perimeter of every wall and every room, including in closets, and around the shower, following the line of the ceiling. (not cupboards in the kitchen, because you might not be able to get the smell out later). Think of the smoke as banishing any previous tenants memories, bad emotions, spirits or energies you don’t want in your new home. End at your predesignated heart of the home.
Sea - Take your bowl of water, your “Sea”, and start again. this time dip your fingers into the bowl and flick water all around, aiming at the floorboard. Chant while you walk clockwise, focusing on the protection of the salt and water, creating a white light around your home as you sprinkle the water. Alternatively you can add to a spray bottle and spray the water. If you wish, sprinkle or ‘paint’ the water around any openings - mirrors, drains, windows - to protect from unwanted entrances for spirits or energies. End at the heart of the home.
Land - Now take your “Land” representation of salt and herbs, and walk counter clockwise. Chant your house blessing or the chant for salt if you wish (if you chant the salt blessing, do one more pass clockwise saying you final home blessing). Sprinkle salt in a line across any doorway or window to outside the home. The salt should stay on the window sills if possible. The salt can be swept up from the front door if you wish, just ‘paint’ some salt water instead, after it is swept up. Sprinkle some around drains as well, and across wall mirrors. This closes up any magical or physical doorways of outside influence. End back at the heart of the home.
If you have a backyard or patio, you may want to extend the protections out there as well. Use cascarilla powder (powdered eggshells) around any dirt or lawn you have, use pure water with no salt, and maybe use wind chimes or a bell to represent the sky instead of the smoke, if you wish to not arouse suspicion. Please don’t use salt on the land. Its bad for plants and snails.
Home Protection Cont. :
I will be setting up my home altar at this “heart of the home” and from there it will be an easy place to renew the protections. I would recommend renewing the protections once a year, or whenever you feel you need a little extra boost of protection or cleansing. Since you originally did this when no furniture was in place, renewing the protections may seem hard. I prefer to smoke cleanse so that is a little easier for me, just say a protection or cleansing spell at our home altar and walk clockwise around the house with your smoke. Its gets into all the tight spots, now that there is furniture in the way, easier. The spray bottle works well for this as well. I would recommend renewing one element at a time, in place of all three.
Don’t forget that other protections are still great to uses as well. I will also be hanging my witches’ ladder made of hag stones by the door for protection, having potted plants for cleansing and protection like lavender, and hanging some wind chimes to know when the Good Folk are near.
The last step is to enjoy your protected and magical home!