It was the day before Christmas when it
started. Baz was sitting on a bench in the park, reading a book. He
was wearing a long black coat that protected him from the cold. Not
that it mattered. The sky was grey, but he was grey every day for two
years now. Two years ago he spent his Christmas with Simon Snow. Oh
boy, that had been times… But Baz Pitch hadn’t thought about that
in a very long time. He had forbidden it to himself. A single thought
of Simon was enough to drown Baz in despair. He rarely smiled
anymore. How could he, since Simon wasn’t in his life anymore?
Graduation had separated them and Baz was sure, if Simon ever spared
him a thought, he wrinkled his nose in disgust. But Baz in contrast
couldn’t help but miss him. So very very much. So what else was left
to him but doing anything to banish any thought about the chosen one.
So when Baz sat there, reading, he
almost liked to believe he had forgotten about Simon. He felt proud
to say that he was over him and done. He felt like he had moved on.
Baz had never been one to lie to
himself, but he had learned some things of Simon. Denying things to
himself was one of them. But Baz was undisturbed and the only thing
that might’ve reminded him of Simon was the cold feeling in his
stomach. It was a feeling, though, that never left and that way but
was used to it. He was used to the aching pain of missing him.
The sky was grey, the air was cold and
Baz’ heart was stone. Until it started and everything changed. Baz
felt something cold on his nose and he looked up in confusion. White
snowflakes where sailing down from the sky, ever so beautiful. Baz
froze. Everything froze. For a moment, time itself stood still and
the only thing moving were the snowflakes.
Simon bloody Snow.
Baz couldn’t move
or breathe. His heart was flattering. It had been a while since he
had seen snow. He couldn’t take it. It had been two years and he
couldn’t take it.
Thinking of snow.
Slowly, Baz stood
up. Everything was white and he loved that colour. The sky was cloudy
and white, but when Baz closed his eyes he was able to see it clearly
blue. Only it wasn’t the sky that had that colour.
Pale white skin.
The bluest eyes.
Simon bloody Snow.
Baz kept his eyes
closed and he thought of all the times it had snowed in the past.
Hating snow. Its coldness, its
Despising snow. Its depression.
Pitying snow. Its bitterness, its
Pining for snow.
Longing for snow.
Crying for snow.
And days to come, dying for snow.
The cold had
touched his heart and he was able to smell it ever so clearly. When
the air was wet and sharp on a winter’s day, he could smell him, like
butter and scones. When the snow was falling, he could hear his
voice, so soft and stumbling. His adorable laughter, carried away by
As it snowed, Baz
could feel his presence as if it had only been yesterday. And all
denial was useless.
He’d be hopelessly
in love with Simon Snow to the rest of his days. As the snow came
down to earth, he knew.
He felt wet hot
tears on his cheeks. It had only ever been a torment, loving snow,
living for Snow. But on this day, the trees singing with the wind and
the snow painting the world in white, he enjoyed the suffering. He
enjoyed the pain. Because thinking of Simon eased the longing in his
soul. It was like chilling a burn. And oh, Baz had been on fire for
years. He had been on fire for Simon Snow. Ironically, snow was the
only thing that helped him.
It was over.
“I’m giving up!”
Baz screamed. He screamed as loud as he could. As there was no one to
be seen, it didn’t matter.
Take it, Simon Snow. You can have
it. My soul was yours all along. I’m not fighting anymore. With the
snow, peace comes to the world and I’m giving in. You won, my crazy
golden boy. Are you happy? Because I am not. I’ve never been. Only
ever been happy when it snowed.
Was Baz ever going
to see Simon again? When he heard a voice, he thought he was
imagining it. He thought he was dreaming.
voice was calling. “Is that you?”
recognized him under thousands. He didn’t even need to open his eyes
to reply, but he did it anyway just to see his face.
he whispered. “I don’t believe it.”
Roughly ten feet
ahead of him Simon stood smiling, beautiful as ever. But why was he
smiling? Baz knew for sure that he wasn’t a pleasant memory in
that’s incredible. I- I mean. I don’t know why I feel this lucky, I-
I mean… you… you hated- hate me. But… in the end, we were
almost friends. And then there was this thing I didn’t tell you
about- oh I shouldn’t keep talking, should I? Crowley, Baz, this is
Simon kept rambling
until he suddenly stopped and started running towards Baz,
overwhelmed by his own feelings. Baz didn’t know what was happening
until Simon hit him to the ground and they were both falling into the
snow on the ground. They were rolling around for a bit and it was a
mess, snow in their hair and their laughter over everything.
Suddenly they laid
still and Baz found Simon’s face inches away from his.
“Did you try to
kill me?” Baz whispered, his breathe forming a little cloud, mixing
with Simon’s. His face was red and he was glad Simon was believed it
was because he was exhausted.
Simon’s eyes were
so blue and Baz couldn’t stop staring.
“I was trying to
hug you,” Simon whispered back. They knew one of them had to draw
away but neither of them moved. They were caught up in the moment and
so exited about seeing each other again. It had been way to long.
“That has been a
very intense hug,” Baz murmured.
“I’m sorry. I- I
didn’t want to make you fall,” Simon whispered sheepishly. That
made Baz laugh. So hard that Simon could feel his breath against his
lips and he started smiling.
“Too late, Snow,”
he giggled. “Far too late. I’d fall to the ground for you a hundred
smiled. “And-”, he hesitated for a second, “and I fell for you.
Over and over.”
shrieked. Baz’ heart sank. He realized that their nice reunion would
be over now. He had gone too far. He should’ve been lucky that Simon
wanted to be friends. Now he had pushed it too far. No way Simon was
still going to put up with him after knowing about his stupid
He closed his eyes
another time, memorizing the smell. He was waiting for Simon to get
off him, but it didn’t happen. Probably Simon was too shocked and it
was almost too much for Baz’ to endure. He knew that this few minutes
he had spent happily with Simon would put him into a hell of desire
and missing him but he didn’t care.
He felt the snow
underneath him, so cold and smooth. His hair was wet and so were his
clothes. The snowflakes were falling on his lips. His eyes were still
whispered when nothing happened. He was cut of. Something was pushing
against his lips and something exploded in Baz’ chest. Only moment’s
later, he realized it was the aching pain, together with his heart.
What was left was a feeling rising up in him. He hadn’t felt it in a
very long time.
What’s that feeling? Baz
wondered. It took him a moment to put a name on it. Ah,
right. It’s happiness.
And then he pushed
Something I’ve never done before.
Kissing. That’s what the call it.
But that was a word
way to simple to describe what Baz was feeling. They pulled apart and
grinned at each other like fools. But Baz didn’t feel foolish. He
felt like the luckiest person in the world – and that was pretty
hard, being who he was. Simon made him forget all that.
Have it, Simon. Have it all. It’s
been yours from the first winter after I met you and every winter
“You know what,
Baz?” Simon whispered. “I think the snow is falling for you.”