sky sailing is so beautiful

Falling for Snow

It was the day before Christmas when it started. Baz was sitting on a bench in the park, reading a book. He was wearing a long black coat that protected him from the cold. Not that it mattered. The sky was grey, but he was grey every day for two years now. Two years ago he spent his Christmas with Simon Snow. Oh boy, that had been times… But Baz Pitch hadn’t thought about that in a very long time. He had forbidden it to himself. A single thought of Simon was enough to drown Baz in despair. He rarely smiled anymore. How could he, since Simon wasn’t in his life anymore? Graduation had separated them and Baz was sure, if Simon ever spared him a thought, he wrinkled his nose in disgust. But Baz in contrast couldn’t help but miss him. So very very much. So what else was left to him but doing anything to banish any thought about the chosen one.

So when Baz sat there, reading, he almost liked to believe he had forgotten about Simon. He felt proud to say that he was over him and done. He felt like he had moved on.

Baz had never been one to lie to himself, but he had learned some things of Simon. Denying things to himself was one of them. But Baz was undisturbed and the only thing that might’ve reminded him of Simon was the cold feeling in his stomach. It was a feeling, though, that never left and that way but was used to it. He was used to the aching pain of missing him.

The sky was grey, the air was cold and Baz’ heart was stone. Until it started and everything changed. Baz felt something cold on his nose and he looked up in confusion. White snowflakes where sailing down from the sky, ever so beautiful. Baz froze. Everything froze. For a moment, time itself stood still and the only thing moving were the snowflakes.

Snow.

Beautiful snow.

Untouchable snow.

Fleeting snow.

Simon Snow.

Simon bloody Snow.

Baz couldn’t move or breathe. His heart was flattering. It had been a while since he had seen snow. He couldn’t take it. It had been two years and he couldn’t take it.

Hating snow.

Loving snow.

Thinking of snow.

Kissing Snow.

Missing snow.

Slowly, Baz stood up. Everything was white and he loved that colour. The sky was cloudy and white, but when Baz closed his eyes he was able to see it clearly blue. Only it wasn’t the sky that had that colour.

Pale white skin.

Golden hair.

The bluest eyes.

Simon bloody Snow.

Baz kept his eyes closed and he thought of all the times it had snowed in the past.

Hating snow. Its coldness, its wetness.

Despising snow. Its depression.

Pitying snow. Its bitterness, its sadness.

Pining for snow.

Longing for snow.

Loving snow.

Crying for snow.

And days to come, dying for snow.

The cold had touched his heart and he was able to smell it ever so clearly. When the air was wet and sharp on a winter’s day, he could smell him, like butter and scones. When the snow was falling, he could hear his voice, so soft and stumbling. His adorable laughter, carried away by the wind.

As it snowed, Baz could feel his presence as if it had only been yesterday. And all denial was useless.

He’d be hopelessly in love with Simon Snow to the rest of his days. As the snow came down to earth, he knew.

He felt wet hot tears on his cheeks. It had only ever been a torment, loving snow, living for Snow. But on this day, the trees singing with the wind and the snow painting the world in white, he enjoyed the suffering. He enjoyed the pain. Because thinking of Simon eased the longing in his soul. It was like chilling a burn. And oh, Baz had been on fire for years. He had been on fire for Simon Snow. Ironically, snow was the only thing that helped him.

It was over.

“I’m giving up!” Baz screamed. He screamed as loud as he could. As there was no one to be seen, it didn’t matter.

Take it, Simon Snow. You can have it. My soul was yours all along. I’m not fighting anymore. With the snow, peace comes to the world and I’m giving in. You won, my crazy golden boy. Are you happy? Because I am not. I’ve never been. Only ever been happy when it snowed.

Was Baz ever going to see Simon again? When he heard a voice, he thought he was imagining it. He thought he was dreaming.

“Baz?” the voice was calling. “Is that you?”

He’d have recognized him under thousands. He didn’t even need to open his eyes to reply, but he did it anyway just to see his face.

“Simon Snow,” he whispered. “I don’t believe it.”

Roughly ten feet ahead of him Simon stood smiling, beautiful as ever. But why was he smiling? Baz knew for sure that he wasn’t a pleasant memory in Simon’s head.

“You’re here, that’s incredible. I- I mean. I don’t know why I feel this lucky, I- I mean… you… you hated- hate me. But… in the end, we were almost friends. And then there was this thing I didn’t tell you about- oh I shouldn’t keep talking, should I? Crowley, Baz, this is amazing.”

Simon kept rambling until he suddenly stopped and started running towards Baz, overwhelmed by his own feelings. Baz didn’t know what was happening until Simon hit him to the ground and they were both falling into the snow on the ground. They were rolling around for a bit and it was a mess, snow in their hair and their laughter over everything.

Suddenly they laid still and Baz found Simon’s face inches away from his.

“Did you try to kill me?” Baz whispered, his breathe forming a little cloud, mixing with Simon’s. His face was red and he was glad Simon was believed it was because he was exhausted.

Simon’s eyes were so blue and Baz couldn’t stop staring.

“I was trying to hug you,” Simon whispered back. They knew one of them had to draw away but neither of them moved. They were caught up in the moment and so exited about seeing each other again. It had been way to long.

“That has been a very intense hug,” Baz murmured.

“I’m sorry. I- I didn’t want to make you fall,” Simon whispered sheepishly. That made Baz laugh. So hard that Simon could feel his breath against his lips and he started smiling.

“Too late, Snow,” he giggled. “Far too late. I’d fall to the ground for you a hundred times.”

“Really?”

“Yeah,” Baz smiled. “And-”, he hesitated for a second, “and I fell for you. Over and over.”

“What?”, Simon shrieked. Baz’ heart sank. He realized that their nice reunion would be over now. He had gone too far. He should’ve been lucky that Simon wanted to be friends. Now he had pushed it too far. No way Simon was still going to put up with him after knowing about his stupid feelings.

He closed his eyes another time, memorizing the smell. He was waiting for Simon to get off him, but it didn’t happen. Probably Simon was too shocked and it was almost too much for Baz’ to endure. He knew that this few minutes he had spent happily with Simon would put him into a hell of desire and missing him but he didn’t care.

He felt the snow underneath him, so cold and smooth. His hair was wet and so were his clothes. The snowflakes were falling on his lips. His eyes were still closed.

“Simon,” he whispered when nothing happened. He was cut of. Something was pushing against his lips and something exploded in Baz’ chest. Only moment’s later, he realized it was the aching pain, together with his heart. What was left was a feeling rising up in him. He hadn’t felt it in a very long time.

What’s that feeling? Baz wondered. It took him a moment to put a name on it. Ah, right. It’s happiness.

And then he pushed back.

Something I’ve never done before. Kissing. That’s what the call it.

But that was a word way to simple to describe what Baz was feeling. They pulled apart and grinned at each other like fools. But Baz didn’t feel foolish. He felt like the luckiest person in the world – and that was pretty hard, being who he was. Simon made him forget all that.


Have it, Simon. Have it all. It’s been yours from the first winter after I met you and every winter after.


“You know what, Baz?” Simon whispered. “I think the snow is falling for you.”