hey, you wanna learn about the largest amphibian in the western hemisphere? you do?
then without further ado, I’d like to introduce you to
found in the eastern half of the United States, the Hellbender is a giant fucking salamander. they are the largest amphibian in the western hemisphere by a wide margin, with adults clocking in at around two… feet? (that definitely says feet. jesus) long.
large enough to use as a blunt instrument
no one is really sure how these giant salamanders earned the name “Hellbender”, but it is thought that white settlers thought it was “a creature from hell who was bent on returning”, or that its wrinkly skin reminded white settlers of “the horrible tortures of the infernal regions.” (white settlers should not have been allowed to name things.)
…all right, yeah, it does sort of look like it crawled out of a Bosch painting.
these days, locals just tend to give them endearing vernacular names like: Snot Otter! Lasagna Lizard! Devil Dog! Grampus! Allegheny Alligator! aaaand for some fucking reason, Leverian Water Newt!
these poor guys just can’t catch a break.
you’re hurting his feelings
the Hellbender is found in fast water streams and rivers from New York to Missouri. they breath completely through their skin (weird, but mammals can be judgey about this so I’ll let it slide) and hide under large rocks on the streambed, where they feast on crayfish and also regular fish.
maybe also feet
they are active at night and remain in dark areas during the day. to stay hidden, they have evolved light-sensitive cells all over their bodies. that’s right, they literally turned themselves into a single giant weird eyeball. what the fuck, evolution.
this seems like a good survival strategy (sort of), but it also means that to catch one you just have to go flip a bunch of muddy rocks over.
aaaaa! my plan, foiled!
unfortunately, human activity has been decreasing their number for years, and they are now regarded as Threatened. that said, there are many programs now in place for their recovery, including extensive captive breeding and environmental repair.
hopefully in the future these amazing giant snot otters will make a recovery. we wish only good things for the lasagna lizard.
look at those eager faces! the future is yours, children
For those that have asked about my self-care regimen, here are my favorite products and their uses! I’ll definitely update this as I get more escorting experience and my product selection grows.
I have sensitive, weird skin. I’m allergic to almost all BBW products. Here are the things I love!
Aloe Vera Baby Oil - Shaving the cooch
Tend Skin - Prevents razor burn after shaving the cooch
Neutrogena Body Clear Scrub - Exfoliates and gets rid of random bumps
Aveeno Therapeutic Shave Gel - For a soft, super close shave on your legs
Lollia Perfumed Shower Gel - All of their scents smell amazing and they leave behind a muted scent. Plus, it’s very thick so a little bit goes a long way. Seriously, a quarter sized dollop is enough to get foamy suds over your entire body!
Lollia Hand Creme - Will give you the smoothest, softest hands ever. Especially important for touching wieners.
Intimore Intimate Wash - My favorite wash for cleaning the vag. ALL of their varieties are safe for sensitive skin and they have great uses. The Therapeutic wash is great if you’ve been fucked raw. Very soothing!
Lush Sugar Scrub - Great for exfoliating, it leaves your skin very bright and radiant and it is supposed to reduce the appearance of cellulite!
Nip + Fab Glycolic Fix Extreme Pads - I use these to get rid of weird bumps or razor burn on my legs after shaving. Will literally clear up those weird clear bumps that aren’t quite whiteheads or pimples.
Kiehl’s Soy Milk & Honey Whipped Body Butter - Will leave your entire body smoother than a baby’s butt and the scent is very light. Super hydrating. I use this every night after a hot bath. I also use this to moisturize my cooch. YES, YOU CAN AND SHOULD MOISTURIZE YOUR COOCH. It’s okay! Try it!
Sally Hansen Airbrush Legs - It’s like foundation for your legs! It comes in either a squeeze bottle or mist. I use the squeeze bottle more because the mist WILL STAIN your bathroom tile or toilet, if you prop your leg on it to spray.
St. Tropez Express Bronzing Mousse with Mitt - I used this for the first time last night because my spray tan was wearing off. It gives a really natural tan and you only have to leave it on 1-3 hours, depending on how dark you want to go, before rinsing! I left mine on for a little less than two hours and I have a nice, NATURAL looking tan glow!
I’m a light ashy blonde with frizzy, unmanageable hair. Here are my top picks for products.
Batiste Dry Shampoo - Absolute BEST dry shampoo and it’s super affordable. Very fine powder. It comes in a bunch of varities, I like the sleek and shine the most.
AG Hair Cosmetics Sterling Silver Shampoo - Great purple shampoo for blondes.
Davines Alchemic Conditioner - They have different formulas for different hair colors. I use the purple conditioner for blondes and it’s a great purple mask that tones and deep conditions.
Kerastase Shampoo & Conditioner - Comes in a ton of varities. I use the ones for damaged hair and frizzy hair. BEST shampoo and conditioners I have ever used. It doesn’t take much product and every product does what it says it will.
Kerastase Fluidissime Blow Dry Spray - For frizzy or curly hair. It gives heat protection, shine and smoothness. I use this when I want my hair to be super straight or I want to style it after blow drying.
Kerastase L’ncroyable Blow Dry - Most amazing blow dry lotion ever. Seriously. Now my most used product.
Davines Melu Serum - For disguising split ends. Also adds shine.
Davines Minu Mask - Illuminating hair mask used to add back shine and dimension
Carol’s Daughter Monoi Mask - Great for softness and hydration. Smells amazing. Probably my favorite mask.
Kerastase Masqueintense - Second favorite hair mask. It’s ultra smoothing and revitalizes your hair.
Kerastase Elixir Ultime - Great hair oil! Lighter than Morrocanoil with the same benefits, though the smell isn’t as nice.
Shu Uemura Straight Forward - Great blowdry spray oil. It really does cut down the amount of time it takes to blow out your hair. I use this with the Kerastase Incredible Blowdy.
I have sensitive, combination skin. I used to get random hormonal acne.
Glamglow ThirstyMud - Great for hydration and smells amazing. You can use it as rinse off or a sleeping mask.
Glamglow Flashmud - Brightening, revitalizing mask. I use this on my butt to help get rid of a few blemish scars. No, I am not joking. Yes, it is actually working.
Glamglow Thirstycleanse - Amazing mud cleanser for whenever my skin is feeling a little dry or needs some nourishment.
Glamglow Supercleanse - My favorite cleanser ever. It’s a mud-oil dual pump and it takes off every BIT of make up and keeps your skin super clear! Plus, it’s not drying!
Peter Thomas Roth BHA 2% Acne Wash - For if I feel a breakout coming on. One bottle will likely last you over a year.
Peter Thomas Roth Blemish Buffing Beads - Great for body acne.
Glamglow Fizzy Lip - Great exfoliating lip scrub, plus you get twice as much product as most other lip scrubs.
Glamglow Wet Lip - Intense softening lip treatment. You should definitely be using both of these to get seductive, soft, kissable lips!
Sunday Riley Luna Sleeping Oil - I use this at night before bed. It’s anti-aging, moisturizing, clarifying, fights wrinkles and reduces pore size.
Sunday Riley Good Genes Serum - I use this in the morning and it makes my skin look superb. Best skin product I’ve ever had. It brightens, exfoliates, gives radiance and evens out hyperpigmentation.
Clarins HydraQuench Intensive Serum Bi-Phase - I use this serum as my moisturizer and it keeps my skin super nourished! It doesn’t clog up your pores and hydrates your dry areas. Definitely the best moisturizer I’ve ever used.