skinhed

dex has red hair

i have red hair too, which is pretty awesome. and also horrible, sometimes, because being ginger affects so much more than the just the pigment of your hair. so anyways here are some facts about dex and his hair bc i can relate:

  • he’s so pale
    • he’s so pale
    • even when he kind of manages to get a little darker after a sunburn fades, he’s still paler than everyone else’s normal skin tone
  • he does not tan. ever.
    • yeah sure, he may work on a lobster boat all summer, but buddy, i promise you, he’s not gonna come out of it looking nice and bronze
      • (why do people write fics where he comes back from the summer with a killer tan??? no bro, he probably just looks like a lobster. it sucks)
    • his skin just slowly gets pinker until he has a terrible sunburn, and then sometimes if he’s lucky it will turn out a little tanner when it fades
    • he probably uses at least spf 50, lbr here
      • actually, nah probably higher than that if we’re being honest
      • and he has to apply it like every hour
    • ugh and oh my god, he probably gets splotchy sunburns!!!
      • SPLOTCHY SUNBURNS ARE THE WORST
      • basically you think you’ve put sunscreen everywhere and spread it evenly but NOPE
      • random blotches of your skin will just be bright red while the rest is ridiculously pale and you look like you have some sort of disease-ridden rash
      • it has probably happened on his face and it’s the saddest thing
  • he has freckles for dayssssss (especially after the summer because they come back in full force during that season)
    • freckles everywhere
    • in the most random places
    • some are on his lips and on the back of his knees and his elbows and just very odd places
    • its a never ending cycle of freckles fading while new freckles form
    • he kind of gets a tan through his freckles??? 
      • bc he has so many and as they fade they kind of blotch together and make him look tan, but when you look really close you’re just like, oh, those are just tiny dots bunched together, not the actual pigmentation of your skin
    • he has. SO MANY. freckles on his shoulders
      • if you are of the male specimen, you probably go out shirtless in the summertime, and the sun hits you really hard on your shoulders, and thus, so. many. freckles. there.
      • (this is literally the most prominent place of freckles for redhead boys. please ask my brother and all of my cousins)
  • “does the carpet match the drapes?” ;)
    • why do people ask this
    • he gets this all the time, and it’s not just from people hitting on him
      • PEOPLE JUST GENUINELY WANT TO KNOW FOR SOME REASON???
    • and it’s super awkward
    • especially when they don’t match. bc um. a lot of times they don’t. just so you know.
    • “haha, firecrotch, huh?”
      • will wouldn’t find this funny even if it were accurate
  • back to the sunburn thing, it’s nice in the winter when he doesn’t get fried!! JUST KIDDING BC BLUSHING IS A THING
    • yeah anytime he gets remotely embarrassed or flustered, his face is the color of a tomato okay
    • even if he’s not actually uncomfortable, it still happens
      • “dex, nice shirt, man.” ➝ red face
      • “dude, nice assist!”➝ red face
      • *accidentally bumps into someone* ➝ red face
    • anytime nursey says anything ever, his face is red. i promise you this. i know this to be true
  • HE NEVER WEARS RED
    • or pink or orange, for that matter
    • (but i mean he goes to samwell so the red thing is kind of hard)
    • he unintentionally gravitates towards green and blue clothing bc his mom probably accidentally instilled in him that they compliment his hair as a child
      • this is so real. this is the realest, most relatable thing
    • going to samwell was probably super weird bc he had to start buying spirit wear and stuff and when he did, he realized he didn’t own any other red clothing
  • people always make irish jokes or assume he is irish, especially around st. patricks day
    • dex has no idea if he is irish
  • people always ask if another redhead they know is related to him
    • no
  • he has heard every “ginger” joke under the sun
    • no one has ever actually bullied him for it
    • but everyone makes the same jokes
    • will basically mouths the words as people say them bc he knows them so well at this point
    • he’s not actually bothered or offended, it’s just like… dude. he’s heard this before. you’re not being original
      • it’s very boring and a little irritating
    • but if he gets annoyed or doesn’t laugh people think he is a bad sport, so!!! he laughs them off even though he’s very disinterested and wants to tell them to maybe get some new material so they can actually say something remotely humorous next time
    • and he totally knows its not a big deal at all, bc some people have to deal with racist or homophobic jokes, and this doesn’t remotely compare. it’s just… very eye-roll inducing.
  • he gets horrible bruises for the stupidest shit, and sometimes just randomly and he’s not sure where they came from, bc ya gotta love that sensitive skin!!
  • oh and back to the ginger jokes thing, someone always makes a comment about that redhead temper!!
    • which is kind of unfortunate, bc dex kind of does have some temper issues
    • those jokes do not make him less angry either
      • (dex, seriously man. just chill for a sec)

wow this got really long and i could go on forever and ever but yeah basically this is the gist of it. also i’m aware some of this can apply to lots of people but anyways hooray for redheads!!

consider

  • jason grace is tickly
  • jason grace is really tickly
  • not many people know this though bc who in the right mind would walk up the son of jupiter and just start tickling him?
  • percy jackson that’s who
  • percy discovers jason’s fatal flaw weakness by accident one day whilst they’re play-fighting (bc that is something they totally do ok)
  • and jason looks so shocked
  • he did not know he was ticklish since no-one has ever tickled him before
  • and percy looks like someone has just told him he has been given a lifetime supply of blue coke 
  • (side note: that sounds like a new drug or something but i swear i mean coca cola)
  • anyway
  • so he’s found jason’s weakness and of course, instead of being a good friend and leaving him alone
  • he starts tickling the shit out of him
  • and jason, he’s on the ground clutching his ribs, tears in his eyes as he tries to threaten percy between wheezes of breath 
  • and then, tiny little sparks start flying out from jason’s skin
  • he looks like a human sparkler or a firework exploding on the fourth of july
  • there are sparks going everywhere and jason’s still on the ground crying yelling/laughing at percy
  • and percy only has a single second to think ‘oh shit’ before some of the sparks catch his t-shirt
  • and that is how camp half blood finds out that tickling jason grace is a sure way to accidentally start fires
  • (it’s a good thing that percy’s pretty resistant to flames) 
  • ((thanks poseidon))
Mafia! Johnny

» An AU where Johnny is a mafia leader but accidentally falls in love with a girl.

  • Oh boy, I’m probably gonna die after this
  • But anyways, Johnny, as a mafia leader….interesting
  • He is really intimidating, mostly because of his hard stare and frame so tall and strong
  • He dressed up smart but shaggy at the same time. To a normal person, he would look terrifying
  • Tattoos, piercings all lining his body, contaminating his milky white complexion 
  • But that was what caught your attention when you saw him sit across from you in the local bar
  • Hair shiny, slicked back. His hands were big, veins popping from underneath the skin, his fingers slender
  • Johnny was the kind of person no one wanted to mess with. Leader of the most terrifying mafia clan in town, hard to contradict and extremely hard to win against
  • He had a special way with words. His talk more than often manipulating people in dangerous ways. His illegal smirk whenever he got his way
  • You were sat on your uncomfortable seat, a Martini in hand and time to spare. He was so different from other people that you couldn’t help but stare at him
  • His strides were so calculated and soft that it would bring a cat to shame, movements so confident and assured that you wanted to give him an award
  • When he ordered a Sunset Rum, you had caught his voice. Deep and thick with his funny but sexy accent. He hadn’t noticed you ogling at him yet and you decided to enjoy the view for a while
  • Your blind date had ditched you and left you sitting in the tight red dress your friend had forced you into
  • So much for being that strong, independent girl who never needed to impress a man
  • But today you were needy, for something. Something that made you feel alive, painful yet pleasurable. Which is why you put extra effort in your appearance
  • Johnny finally noticed your burning stare and raised his eyebrows at you. You gave him a small smirk with your bright red lips, bringing your drink closer to your face
  • He looked away, smiling to himself and staring at the small glass with his drink. He wore a black coat and white collar shirt. It wasn’t ironed which added to his distraught yet intriguing look. You were never into good boys who dressed straight with matching underwear
  • He lifted himself up and brought the drink over to you,digging his gaze into you
  • Both of you just sat in silence, not knowing how to strike up a conversation. You wished people could just initiate sex without flirting or a hearty conversation. As rude as it was, it was easier
  • He smelled like honey and smoke
  • “Did you get stood up or something?” He asked. Your eyes widened at how close he was. The voice that melted you from within so far away was now ringing in your ear as close as anything could be
  • “Did you come back from a funeral? You’re definitely dressed like you are.” You were good at retaliation. Most of your attempts at flirting came off as mean and rude but he just smirked. He liked your vigour. One question led to another and his hands were up on your thigh. He was close, close enough for you to kiss his plump lips. “Not here,” he said, giving your thigh a hard squeeze. You bit your lip and just stared at those damned lips of his. He pulled you by the hand and led you out of the warm bar. The air was cold but his hands weren’t and as he led you to his car, you grew colder and more impatient. No one had turned you on like this
  • The pressure between your legs was immense as you were carefully thrown into the backseat of his car. Rough but gentle, he was. His movements and the smooth skin of his abs were the only thing you remembered. Followed by the intense euphoria his touches sent you into, a bliss, desperation for more, begging, screaming
  • He talked dirty but didn’t make you feel like a slut. It was more deep. This guy knew what he was doing. His tattoo covered arms were blush red, the blood running vigorously through him. His black hair had a blue sheen to them as they grew wet with his sweat. His tattoos making your small head wonder and the piercings that felt cold against your skin
  • When you both were done with your little activity, he sat back, instantly pulling out of you. Most boys would fall against you and whisper something sweet. Like “that was amazing babe” or “Maybe we should catch a drink later.” But not this lad
  • He sat back, pulling on his pants as you tried your best to cover up as quickly as you can. Heart beat faster than a horse and cheeks burning because of the excessive exposure of skin
  • He brought a cigarette to his lips, setting fire to it god knows when. You sat there staring him in awe, feeling a bit used as he didn’t say a word. I mean, you guys literally just fucked
  • He offered you a smoke but you denied, wanting to leave. “Uh I should go,” you uttered. He blew a puff of smoke through his nose and turned to look at you. The parking lot was empty and unlit. The only source of illumination was the moon and the far off street lights. The piercings on his ear glistened against the faint light. He looked like the devil, a beautiful devil that allured people into his den of sin. He leaned in, the fragrance coming back. He reached for your face and slid the stray strand of hair behind your ear. Your face was a mess. Red lipstick smudged and eyes black with run down mascara. You had faint red hickeys all over your collarbones. “Can we do this again sometime? And preferably not in my car”
  • A mistake once committed becomes a lifelong habit. You both slept with each other a daily basis. He was always stressed because of money dealing, drug dealing, enemies coming for his life. And you just needed to kill your boredom. Your fucked up relationship remained a secret to his gang and your friends. The last thing you needed was your friends to know that you sleep with this dubious boy who you knew nothing about
  • He never told the boys  because he didn’t them to think he was in love. Which he wasn’t, at least he thought so. He was the leader, the person that made everything run within and outside his clan. The leader people feared because of what he can do. A powerful delinquent who could not be moved from his stance
  • You were a distraction for him. Your hard demeanour, dainty face, small body. It was what attracted him. How you weren’t shy, how daring you were, how you never judged, never asked him who he really was
  • It had been a month and his feelings began to change. He was a broken person, love was the last thing on his mind. The last time he witnessed love was when his father had kissed him on his head and told him to be a good boy. The last kiss, the last glance and then he was gone. Taken away by the car crash, Johnny was alone. His mother remarried which made her even more distanced. She hated him, thought he was the reason why she had to marry his father. And once he died, she wasted no time in providing him with an abusive step father
  • When you arrived at his lavish place,one day, his gaze was different. His touches were softer and voice slow, like he was reciting the words to his favourite poem. You felt weird after, leaving his apartment with millions of thoughts in your mind
  • Later that week, he arrived at your place. It was a shock at first because he didn’t seem the kind of guy to arrive at a girl’s place. You were in your ugly pyjamas, not looking your best self. But he was a bloody mess. Red liquid spilled from his wounded lip and a big purple bruise sat on his eye. His white collar shirt was shredded, showcasing the wounds and gashes that were dangerously swollen and bloody
  • You were almost in tears, you had never seen anyone so broken before. He had been drinking too with his fists red carrying slits and bruises. He leaned against the door before falling into your arms. His hair were dishevelled. He still smelled the same. You could recognise his scent anywhere. You carried him to the couch, sitting him up and fetching a first aid box
  • You sat on his lap and cleaned his wounds. His eyes were closed and breath short and steady. He’d often flinch as you applied the anti septic to his sickly wounds
  • You didn’t know when you fell in love with him. Didn’t even know how and why. It just happened. That day, when you guys fucked..no..had sex. There was a difference between the two. There was definitely an unspoken feeling between you two
  • He finally opened his eyes and smiled when he saw you. “Hey beautiful,” he said. He still looked as breathtaking as ever. “Why Johnny? Why…” you cried, not holding back anymore. He pulled you into his chest and caressed the small of your back. You pulled away and stared at him with wet eyes. “Why do you do this to yourself? Get into fights, smoke, waste your life drinking?”
  • He stayed silent for a minute and then spoke. “If I told you, will you leave?” He almost whispered. You shook your head, throat in painful knots. “I’m a mafia leader,” he managed. You had a hunch he was related to people that were up to no good. That he was up to no good. You nodded, understandingly. As you raised your hand up to clean the wound on his cheeks, he stopped you. “I’m poison Y/N. I destroy things, decay them, make them cease to exist. But I’m-” You raised your eyebrows at him. “I’m also in love with you.” You smiled at that, half relieved and half excited. He held your face in his palms that had a metallic whiff to them, and pulled you in for a soft kiss. A kiss that tasted like salt, like water on a hot hot day. It was gentle, polite, beautiful. You wanted more.
  • That night he had made love to you,telling you he loves you with every move. You woke up next to him, his face still swollen and messy
  • Johnny wanted to keep your relationship undercover, still not letting the boys know about you. He acted strange at times, often cancelling plans because he wanted to spend time with you
  • It was less sex, more cuddling. More watching movies and exchanging jokes. He became human around you. Whereas with other people he would be tough and a pure hoodlum, he was so sweet towards you
  • He often warned you about people who might try to hurt you. He had made a promise to not lose you, after his father. He wanted to protect you the way he couldn’t prevent his father’s accident
  • He slowly broke the news to the boys, who were caught off guard
  • His clan was filled with gorgeous boys, ranging from teenagers to early adults. They were all so much more playful around each other, joking and running around like hooligans. It was a surprise because you had expected them to be dark and scary. Although they were like deathly wolves with other people, they were nice to you. One of the boys, Taeyong, would often thank you for the ways in which you had changed Johnny. In ways he had become more human, more gentle with the boys
  • Johnny wasn’t perfect. He was still a mafia leader who would interact with the wrong guys, carry out activities that were against the rules of a civilised society. He didn’t change completely. He was still the Johnny people feared and respected. But not with you. You were his everything. Every ounce of him yearned to protect and love you. And you didn’t want to change him either. For who he really was, broken and cold, made you fall in love with him in the first place.

A/N: I still can’t write smut and maybe it’s lacking smut stuff but eh…enjoy!

Making out with... Yuta

MASTERLIST

Anon: Make out with yuta too 😊

Anon: First make out session with yuta too 😊😀😍

Anon: Hope you’ll do a making out with Yuta soon! ^_^

Anon: making out with yuta please:)) (the thirst is real)

ok i just want to say that i think yuta is like a sex god okay #sorrynotsorry and i’ve just added some nice gifs of him at the end :-) also this is fucking long and kinda sexual so enjoy ;-)


  • OKAYY
  • so yuta the japanese fuck boy womaniser god woman killer prince
  • im listening to jay park while writing this so i might get a little excited writing this YAY
  • Yuta would love making out with you
  • It’d be his favourite past time with you
  • Well
  • It would be sex but making out is more practical and safe lmao
  • Already quite touchy in the relationship, but if he wanted to make out with you, expect his hands to wander EVERYWHERE
  • He especially likes your thighs and your neck
  • Wraps his hands around your thighs and slides them up and down teasingly
  • Likes to have a hand at the back of your neck so he can dominant the kiss and control you a bit
  • A session would start off at the most random times
  • It might start in the kitchen
  • He’ll walk over to you, where you’re frame is hunched over the sink doing the dishes
  • Snakes his arms around your waist and pull you into your chest, you stumbling clumsily into him
  • He’ll start rubbing his hands over your bare waist and stomach, slowly moving them down so they grab your hips
  • And he’ll surprise you by grounded your hips into his, earning a quick gasp from you
  • Or sometimes they might start as soon as you enter the apartment
  • You’ve had an average day, nothing’s really happened - but that’ll change soon
  • Within a second of you shutting the door, and throwing your bag and coat on the sofa,
  • You spot Yuta practically run out of the bedroom, a dark look in his eyes and a smirk on his face
  • He immediately pushes you back, edging you forcefully towards the door, and quickly you feel the front door come in contact with your back
  • He forcefully takes your wrists and bunches them in one palm, putting them above your head so you have no control
  • The type to grind a lot during making out
  • He cannot help it okay
  • He will literally dry hump you, but you’re not complaining lmao
  • His hips are rough and fast and fuck im sweating already and we havent even got to the kissing part okay lmao
  • Starts by tracing the outline of your lips with his thumb whispering to you
  • Can range from “you have the prettiest lips Y/N” to “hmm want to show me what these lips can do?”
  • Then he’ll press light, butterfly kisses on the corners of your mouth slowly
  • He enjoys having you squirm and whine for him to kiss you
  • Does that stupid smirk !!!
  • Goes in to kisses but stops when he’s only a centimeter away from your lips
  • You can practically feel the heat radiating off him
  • And his breath on your face
  • Finally, finally, he’ll kiss you for real
  • Starts very slow and deep, with a lot of brief pauses and using his jaw to add more force into the kiss
  • His lips would be so soft - like out of all the members, he would have the softest lips omg
  • You could probably taste the unscented lip balm he was wearing
  • (probably a sign he was preparing for this too)
  • His kisses will start to get sloppier and faster and deeper too (somehow, if that was even possible)
  • God, uses so much fucking tongue
  • His tongue darting in and out your mouth, swirling with yours and things get very damp
  • Will moan and groan, and probably grind into you roughly and suddenly, if you force your tongue into his mouth and not the other way round
  • He finds it so hot and god, you really are not helping the situation right now
  • His hands are now grabbing your thighs and squeezing them, making you squeal and squirm with excitement
  • Your hands, which Yuta are no longer holding up above your head, are kneading his head
  • You pull on his hair, threading your fingers through his silky hair, then moving your hands down to the nape of his neck and rubbing it slightly
  • He absolutely loves it and will break the kiss momentarily to throw his head back in pleasure and moan, before returning to the kiss
  • Sometimes, if you want things to go further eg sexual you might be a bit daring and slowly slide your hand down his chest and grab his crotch before quickly returning you hand to its place in his hair
  • He knows what you wants and will pick you up, your legs wrapped around his waist, and take you to the bedroom lmao
  • If not, then the making out will just continue yup
  • His kisses would be so deep and passionate and rough and you know that your lips will be bruised by the end of it
  • Even though his kisses are kind of alluring and sexual, he’s putting so much emotion into them
  • He just loves you so much
  • And he wants you to know that you’re the only one for him and please, don’t leave him
  • They’re rough because that’s the amount of emotion he puts into them
  • OFC you know this, and put a lot of passion into them too
  • You know the session is over when he breaks the kiss and starts kissing your neck
  • Its like a cool down or something
  • But not really because you’re both panting and whimpering at the sensitivity of your lips and skin
  • He loves hickeys
  • Especially across your chest and collar bones
  • They’re always dark and huge and they’re are many of them, scattered across your skin
  • You’ll give him them too, when he’s sucking at your chest
  • You’ll give them behind his ear and upper neck
  • But really, he prefers giving them to you rather than you giivng them to him
  • But ya know, they’re never turned down lol
  • Eventually, you’ll both get tired and slump onto one another lazily, your heart rate starting to go down
  • And then you probably start having a laughing fit for like an hour
  • Because you look at each other, and both of your lips are just bruised
  • Like hella bruised, red and sensitive
  • And it looks fucking hilarious
  • You’ll probably end up napping after too because boy, these making out sessions take up a lot of your energy lmao
  • …..okay
  • that is all
  • i hope you liked this
  • it’s fucking long too jfc
  • sorrynotsorry
  • hmmm i think some people are gonna be having some nice dreams tonight lmao
  • have some gifs of yuta too ;-)

Making out with… series

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anonymous asked:

Hi! <3 could I request RFA + V + Saeran in a long distance relationship with MC? I'm in one so it would help

ahh sorry this took so long Anon.. i hope you see this! I’m sure your relationship will stay nice and strong <3

also this is kinda angsty haha.. um and the preface is that they were originally with MC but MC moved away for school or a job or something like that


Yoosung:

  • he never let go of his phone
  • you could message him at any time and start a short conversation before the time-zones took over
  • he was always restless and impatient, trying to hold back his clinginess
  • he didn’t want to be a bother or seem desperate
  • but he was, and he hated himself for it
  • at the same time, he couldn’t help feeling insecure
  • what if you got tired of the fact that he was 200km away? what if you thought he was a annoying? what if you.. found someone better?
  • those thoughts plagued his mind day and night
  • sometimes he had nightmares where you texted him in the middle of the night just to break it off
  • but as much as he was afraid,
  • all his worries would be washed away the moment he heard your voice over a call 
  • saw a quick selfie showing him your new outfit
  • or even a simple text asking how his day was going
  • it was enough to keep him off the edge and bring him a small sense of relief from all his internal suffering

Zen:

  • he didn’t see how this was going to work
  • his schedules were already so much of a mess that even with you by his side, there was never enough time for each other
  • despite all that, he was determined to give it a try
  • there was no way he was going to give you up just for a couple kilometers of land
  • he found himself glancing at his phone constantly - during practice, rehearsals, even in between scenes and quick changes of a muscial
  • anytime he was free for a second, he’d shoot you a text or send a quick picture of his gorgeous face
  • he claimed that it was for you,you know, in case you missed him and stuff
  • but in all honesty, it was more for him than for you
  • it was his way of confirming that you were still his, that you didn’t and wouldn’t forget about him - the way he looked, the way he acted, or the way that he loves you to no end
  • sometimes you’d send him a selfie of yourself in class and he’d feel so happy .. until he notices that your lab partner was a guy
  • not as cute as him, but still, he was a man, and he was awfully jealous
  • he hid it though, his jealousy and selfishness to keep you all to himself

Jaehee:

  • it was weird
  • she didn’t act like the “normal” person
  • in fact, she was the exact opposite
  • without you, she began to work much harder
  • working late into the night, barely replying to any of your messages, never even returning your calls
  • she drowned herself in work, trying to forget the loneliness she felt deep inside whenever she saw the empty chair infront of her during breakfast
  • there came a point where you thought that maybe she didn’t want this as much as you did, maybe she was better off on her own
  • but a few months later, you would realize why she worked herself so tirelessly 
  • surprising you when you came out of the lecture hall, she would be milling around the corridor, waiting for you to get out of class
  • she was slaving away at work to get a few days off
  • that was Jaehee for you, always thinking of others before herself
  • she’d gotten thinner, the bags under her eyes a darker shade of purple, her hands full of paper cuts and pen marks - she’d been working until the last minute of leaving home for you
  • there was no way she was going to let this relationship fall through

Jumin:

  • Mr. Cooperate Heir developed a schedule for your interactions (thanks to Jaehee organizing his day around the times the both of you’d Skype call)
  • he’d always seem to be a good mood during those calls
  • his tedious days brightened by simply seeing your face digitally on a screen
  • he’d bring Elizabeth to the screen and play with her (making her wave at you and all that cute stuff)
  • but after the calls, a sense of loneliness would rush over him like a tidal wave
  • he missed you so so much
  • hearing your voice was soothing, but more than anything, he wanted to physically be with you
  • to pull you into his arms, run his hands through your hair, smell the soap off of your skin
  • he missed you to no extent, but there was no helping it
  • however
  • when he did have business trips, he’d more or less find an excuse to visit you like “Oh, well the grape orchard is just a couple of kilometers from your place so I came to visit”

707:

  • he made you install a camera at your apartment
  • reminiscent of the time you guys shared at Rika’s apartment,
  • you’d playfully wave at the camera and show him your dinner or your new t-shirt with a doge meme once in a while
  • it was fun, in a way
  • sometimes you’d call each other and seriously, it was just like the old days, only now it wasn’t that he was a in another city but a whole entire country
  • inevitably he’d feel overwhelmed by the distance between the two of you, but watching you fall asleep on the couch with a book on your lap made him remember just how lucky he was to be your boyfriend
  • as painful as it was, he powered through, never once showing you the side of him that hurt
  • afterall, he was used to being alone - that was, until he met you
  • even if you cried out, he held back his tears in order to comfort you
  • making jokes, silly sounds to cheer you up on the other side of the screen
  • Seven oh Seven, defender of justice, built a wall around his own heart to protect himself from the harsh reality that distance and time-zones can bring

Saeran:

  • now that he had no one to lean on, he became his secluded self again
  • he never spoke much before, but now, he barely even showed up on the messenger
  • you missed him and sent him messages, but he only looked at them and didn’t reply
  • he didn’t have the strength nor the courage to send you back something that was positive or uplifting
  • he didn’t want to pretend to be happy for you, or that he was fine without you
  • there wasn’t much to say if he didn’t act, or so he thought anyway
  • telling you that he was sad that he missed you wasn’t going to change the fact that you’d left him for your career
  • it hurt him, as much as he didn’t want to admit it, and it made him angry
  • but he came through sometime later, and began to be more vocal through text and calls
  • because, you visited him almost every month despite the expenses of travelling so frequently
  • he learned to respect your choices and to cherish the little moments he did get to have with you whenever you came over

V:

  • well, an adult like him had to be understanding, right?
  • and so he was.
  • so extremely understanding to the point that it scared you a little
  • why didn’t he get mad when you replied him 2 days late?
  • why didn’t he lash out when you returned his call, waking him up from sleep in the middle of the night?
  • why didn’t he show even the slightest sliver of jealousy when you uploaded a picture of your new guy friend (who also happened to be quite the looker) to the messenger?
  • in a way, it was frustrating, but at the same time, you were incredibly grateful for his tolerance
  • while you were busy fretting over his considerate acts, he was desperately trying to refrain himself from becoming a monster
  • he wanted to be mad, jealous, angry, selfish - everything that he couldn’t be
  • but he didn’t allow it
  • as much as he wanted to act upon his own accord, he wanted more to be a supportive boyfriend after everything you’ve done for him, accepting him for all that he was
  • this was his way of repaying your love for him, his way of repenting

(。•́︿•̀。)

~Cherry L.


Masterpost: click here

Askbox/Requests: click here

movie night with park jihoon
  • movie nights with jihoon are probably very spontaneous but lowkey most of the time
  • maybe it’s the night before an important exam and you’ve been trying to get various chemical reaction equations to stick but it just won’t work
  • at this point you’re practically begging for anything to distract you from the frightening sight of chemistry textbooks
  • and, as per usual, your wonderful boyfriend doesn’t disappoint
  • soon enough your phone dings to indicate that you got a message and you almost stumble over your own legs while scrambling up to grab it
  • “bb i know you’re supposed to be studying but,, please reconsider coming over tonight bc i miss u”
  • a little giggle escapes your lips because in that moment you can’t help but picture a pouting jihoon typing out his message, disappointed that he didn’t get to see you at all today
  • and he is
  • you quickly text him back and tell him that you’re gonna be on your way in a few minutes
  • he replies with a few excited emojis and it’s just so cute
  • once you arrive at the dorms he practically melts against you
  • you can’t help your heart somersaulting in your chest when he nuzzles his face into the crook of your neck, breathes in your scent and whispers a soft “i missed you so much” into your skin
  • he leads you into the living room and there’s jaehwan and sungwoon just lounging around, watching some dumb comedy show
  • jaehwan quirks an eyebrow at the two of you entering and snickers when his gaze falls on your joined hands
  • “do you guys want some alone time? should we leave?” he asks teasingly, but jihoon only rolls his eyes and lets you sit down on the couch of course not without the appropriate amount of distance between you and jaehwan
  • he leans down to quickly peck your cheek before disappearing into the kitchen
  • and you turn really red because he’s never done anything like that in front of the other members
  • jaehwan and sungwoon only giggle like the kids they are and you’re hit with an “ew, gross” from sungwoon
  • like honestly are they twelve
  • when jihoon returns with a bottle of your favorite drink and glasses for the two of you, jaehwan awkwardly clears his throat
  • “i guess we’re gonna be in our rooms, don’t do anything we wouldn’t do”
  • which is not a lot to be honest
  • once he and sungwoon leave, jihoon sighs in bliss and sends you one of his precious little smiles
  • and your heart seems to be beating a little quicker in that moment like fuKC
  • he starts setting up the tv and lets you choose between high school musical, harry potter and pirates of the carribean
  • you choose harry potter of course
  • he laughs a little at your choice because honestly he didn’t even have to ask
  • and just maybe he thinks it’s cute how obsessed you are with the wizarding world
  • he sits next to you to peck your lips quickly but no you won’t let him leave so easily!!
  • you can feel him smile into the kiss before pulling away just a bit, mumbling against your lips
  • “let me go get the popcorn babe”
  • when he comes back he sets the bowl of popcorn on the table and drapes the biggest, fluffiest blanket over your frame
  • “i was this close to pressing play because you kept so long,” you complain, throwing a single popcorn at him
  • he only giggles because you miss by a good meter
  • “wow you wouldn’t really do that to me (y/n)”
  • he sends you another one of his bright smiles before settling down next to you
  • about thirty minutes into the first movie you feel his hand move from slowly trailing up and down your arm to your head
  • you almost die a little when he pulls you closer to him and lets you rest your head on his chest
  • and wow if your own heart wasn’t racing for the world cup right now his heartbeat would be incredibly calming
  • you can feel him run his hands through your hair gently
  • everything is literally perfect in that moment and you can feel your eyelids getting heavier by the second
  • and honestly jihoon is downright spent from practicing and shooting for a new mv all day so he’s quite grateful when he notices that you’ve drifted off to sleep
  • he kisses the top of your head softly before allowing himself to slip into the land of dreams himself
  • and of course, daniel, seongwoo and jaehwan have a damn field day upon discovering the two of you snuggled up against each other on the couch
  • you can be sure that they took about 983759 pictures
  • daniel, being the dad he is, shuts off the tv and turns down the light a little before leaving the two of you alone again
  • all in all movie nights with jihoon are really chill and always end up with one or the both of you asleep but it’s really nice because y’all just want to bask in each others presence and cuddle for a while + jihoon always falls asleep faster when he has you right there in his arms (not that he’d ever admit it tho)

anonymous asked:

I only just found your blog so my apologies if something like this has been requested before, but. Can I please ask for nsfw headcanons or imagines (whatever's easier) for McCree, 76, and Hanzo with a shy female s/o who has an intense phobia of "penetration" but still wants them to be her first time? Again I hope this is okay, thank you so much!!!

I haven’t done that, but if enough time has passed I’ll do over anyway as my thought process has changed and I’ve inevitably changed my writing style. NSFW under read-more. How to open read-more on mobile.

Keep reading

your leg pressed against mine

a thlaise au ; essentially a messy train of thought because i’m struggling with maths so word dump it is.

this is dedicated to everyone who has blessed me with their thlaise, you know who u are 💓 , you’re all the bestest ily.

  • the first domino that falls is the bash of a cheek against drunken lips in the dark of the corridor 
  • the next morning, they write it off as an anomaly, both pretending to have forgotten the feverish way blaise had then pressed theodore against the wall, the warmth of theodore’s breath against the shell of blaise’s ear 
  • and the soft slow slide of lips as theodore curled up and up into blaise as if he was trying to ingrain himself in blaise’s soul. he was already there but he didn’t know that.
  • and so the second domino teetered and toppled.
  • a mistake, a mistake, a mistake 
  • the thought throbbed deep and heavy in theodore’s head when he woke up hungover with the unmistakeable indent of blaise in his sheets, on his skin
  • he meets blaise’s eye when he enters the kitchen and he knows that he can’t let “whatever this is” happen if he wants to keep blaise.
  • he wants to keep the blaise who runs his hand soothingly through theo’s hair when he’s ill and asleep (or at least, whilst he thinks theodore is asleep) 
  • the blaise who returns theodore’s books to the library when he forgets
  • the blaise who slumps down next to him on the sofa and passes him a mug of lemon and honey tea with his slight crooked smile. 
  • but what he doesn’t know is that keeping that blaise is not a choice he gets to make. 
  • they can’t go back, not now that blaise knows what his lips taste like, not when blaise has realised he’s been in love with his best friend for longer than he’s been aware.
  • and so the rest of the dominoes begin to fall. 
skin + skincare headcanons

I wanted to give the boys more teenage-like skin headcanons so here we go!

Kuroko

  • king of natural care
  • his grandma taught him all the tricks
  • makes his own moisturizer, face masks, facial scrubs (all the goodies) with natural products (fruits, oils, …)
  • however, he likes to buy his body creams, always on the natural side without silicones and all the bad stuff
  • always vanilla scented
  • he doesn’t like to have body hair so he trims it 
  • he doesn’t really has pimples ‘cause he doesn’t eat oily food, anyway he has a lot of ingrown hair so it looks like he does have pimples
  • shaves every two days
  • always smells good and clean
  • has a few fresh colognes and just one perfume, but forgets to use them

Keep reading

anonymous asked:

Hello, how are you ? :D I was wondering if you could to a scenario where RFA members react to a MC who hates hickeys. If it's not a comfortable topic, feel free to avoid it, Have a nice day :D

Hello! I’m pretty good right now, though I wish it was still spring break. This isn’t uncomfortable don’t worry! I couldn’t tell if you wanted an MC who hates hickeys, like they are disgusted by the thought of them, or a MC who hates getting hickeys. I choose the latter. I’ll gladly fix it if it’s not what you were requesting. I hope you have a nice day!~Madre Mod

Yoosung

  • I see him as a person who likes receiving than giving. I think most of the fandom does anyway
  • So it’s not much of a problem 
  • until he wanted to show the world that you were taken by him
  • But before he could give you a hickey you told him that you didn’t like getting hickeys
  • he understands and tries to show the world you were off the market
  • totally gets a t-shirt with ‘They are my datemate’/’He is my boyfriend’ shirts.

Jaehee

  • VANILLA AS FUCK
  • the most kinky thing you two probably did was using a dildo on each other
  • maybe some light bondage too, like tying wrists to the headboard.
  • It was Jaehee who brought up the idea, but you softly shot it down
  • Doesn’t bring it up again
  • no questions asked
  • though later in the week she shyly asked if you would give her a hickey instead
  • You complied and proceeded to give her hickeys for days

Zen

  • This was actually brought up DURING the deed
  • Zen leaned over and softly bit your neck as to not harm your beautiful skin
  • He didn’t expect you to pull his head away so fast.
  • Zen is very confused
  • You tell him that you don’t like getting hickeys
  • Zen understands and says he probably should’ve asked before hand
  • after that senario he gets back to pleasing you.

Jumin

  • oh how to explain to the man that you don’t want him to give you hickeys
  • it’s troubling and leaves you in thought often
  • You never realize that Jumin akwardly stares at you, trying to figure out what you are thinking about
  • So he asks.
  • “Mc. What are you thinking about?”
  • The man nearly scares you to death.
  • “Jesus Jumin you scared me. But I was thinking about how to ask you something.”
  • “And it is?” 
  • “Is it ok if you don’t give me hickeys? It makes me uncomfortable..”
  • Cat mom gives you a big hug and pats your head. 
  • “It’s always ok. I don’t want my kitten to be uncomfortable.”

Seven

  • this man is a sadist
  • at some point you KNEW he was going to try and bite you somewhere
  • but he never did those kind of things with you, S&M wise.
  • But one day he brings that topic up
  • He wants to try it with you, if you were ok with it.
  • you agree, then you both go into how far it would go.
  • You saw this as a great time to bring up that you don’t want to be given hickeys.
  • “Hm..I can adjust to that. I still have plenty of other ways to mark you anyway.”
  • This boy will adjust to your boundaries in heartbeat
  • no joke
Passwords.

Hello little peanuts. I have returned with a gift for you.

What if everyone knew about Draco’s crush on Harry (and Harry’s crush on Draco) and Pansy decides, with the help of one Hermione Granger, to come up with passwords each week that will torture one of them into admitting it.

Inspired by this post

Enjoy.

  • The beginning of eighth year was weary for everyone
  • Back from a war, back from a summer of healing
  • But it seemed as though the atmosphere at Hogwarts had never shifted
  • Sure it was a battleground newly refurbished
  • A site of memories many didn’t want to be having
  • But it took no more than one large crate of firewhiskey graciously donated
  • And an unknown number of hours with every single eighth year student sprawled out, drunk and slobbering on their common room floor to bring them into a hazy yet comfortable year
  • It wasn’t all tear stained cheeks
  • Many more lip locks, many new friendships, even more laughter
  • It seemed … it felt much better than the year they had prepared for

Keep reading

Could I request something with the guys kissing their S/O’s hand? (fingers, palm, knuckles, back of hand etc. I just really like hand kisses…)

This is a rather sweet prompt. I hope you enjoy.

Korekiyo Shinguuji

  • He knows of the history of the gesture but has no real interest for it.
  • Even he find it somewhat archaic.
  • Well, with one exception.
  • Occasionally, he initiates the traditional hand kiss when you part ways
  • He would bow over your hand slightly and you’d feel the material of his mask brush against your skin
  • He would always do it gently
  • But with enough force to show you that it is meant to be a kiss
  • And that it’s neither an empty gesture nor a mockery of it.
  • You find it rather sweet.

Rantarou Amami

  • He was teasing.
  • Joking, light-hearted, but incessantly teasing
  • You pouted at him but he just wouldn’t stop
  • So you decided to put a hand over his mouth.
  • You were half-expecting him to lick your hand because that’s usually what happens when you cover someone’s mouth
  • So imagine your surprise when you felt his lips press against your palm instead.
  • You pull your hand back and he’s grinning.
  • Before you could say anything, he plants a kiss on your lips as well.
  • When you’re a blushing mess, he grins wider.
  • “Guess I win.”

Kokichi Ouma

  • Honestly, it didn’t really start out well.
  • He saw that you were eating candy and immediately wanted some.
  • Just as you were picking out with one to give him
  • He just kinda grabbed your wrist, brought it up and he just
  • Inhales the candy in your hand.
  • You just gaped at him while he smugly ate your candy
  • Then he apologizes and tells you that he had a Hershey Kiss.
  • When you hold out your hand, he kisses the palm.
  • “Sorry! I lied! It was just a regular kiss!”
  • While this was very cute, he owes you some candy.

Shuuichi Saihara

  • You were cooking when suddenly your hand slipped
  • He heard you cry out and rushed to your side immediately
  • He held your hand gently as he inspected the damage
  • Thankfully you’re not seriously injured.
  • So he brings your hand up to his lips and kisses the injured finger tips.
  • Once he seemed to realize what he did, he got embarrassed
  • He admits it was a bit childish but you get the idea!
  • You tell him that you appreciate it nonetheless.

Kaito Momota

  • After a few careless comments, you told him to be a bit more polite
  • He’s taken aback but then he gives you a thumbs up
  • No problem! He can totally do that!
  • …He has no idea how to do that.
  • He doesn’t really know where to start
  • So he takes your hand and kisses it
  • Hand kissing is polite, right??
  • You’re giggling at him and he’s just asking if he screwed it up

Kiibo

  • Kiibo wanted to try and be more intimate with you
  • So that would mean attempting to kiss you.
  • He hadn’t actually done it yet and his nervousness was obvious
  • He held your hands in his and leaned forward for the kiss…
  • But at the last second he backed away and just kissed your hands.
  • He apologies for running away but he’s just not ready yet.
  • You tell him that it’s fine.
  • He’ll work his way up, starting with kisses on your hands.

Gonta Gokuhara

  • Kissing a lady’s hand is part of being a gentleman, isn’t it?
  • Once he learned that, this is how he’d typically greet you.
  • At first they were incredibly clumsy.
  • They would last too long and his lips practically collided with your knuckles
  • But as he finally got the hang of it, they felt sweeter
  • You could still feel that he held every bit of earnestness that he had before
  • But now it’s a bit more controlled.
  • More confident.
  • Partly because of the practice.
  • But mostly because Gonta felt like a gentleman treating his lady.

Ryouma Hoshi

  • You have this small ritual with Hoshi
  • Where before he went to practice tennis, you would kiss his hand for good luck
  • He doesn’t really need it but couldn’t say no to you
  • One day, before he went to practice, he was oddly quiet.
  • When you asked him what was wrong, he didn’t answer.
  • Suddenly, he took your hand and kissed it.
  • You were stunned but he sort of shrugged it off.
  • “I just wanted to see what it felt like from your point of view.”
  • He left while you were still trying to process what just happened.

anonymous asked:

Hello! Can I ask for HC what RFA+V+saeran would react when MC being kidnapped, and when they find out MC was a total mess (crying,bruises,blood stain, and half naked) Sorry for my bad grammar. Btw lovesss your acc so much <3

okay okay but I’m going to be less graphic?? (thanks for liking my stuff btw <3)

.. also I don’t like the idea that the kidnapper took off MC’s clothes because it kinda suggests sexual assault and I.. can’t write anything regarding that. Sorry.


Yoosung:

  • he was so scared
  • he didn’t want to open the door because he didn’t want confirmation that you were in there… possibly dead.
  • with all the courage he could muster, he turned the handle.
  • when the door opened, the room was pitch black, he could only see his silhouette in the doorway 
  • and then he heard a meek whimper
  • “P- please don’t hurt me anymore. I’ll do anything… anything…”
  • “MC?” his was already crying from the sound of your voice “it’s me, Yoosung. Where are you?”
  • “Yoosung?”
  • he walked towards the source of the voice and felt someone grab his leg
  • “Ah! MC, is this you?” 
  • pulling you in for a hug, he felt your disheveled hair and your body - now only skin and bones
  • he began to cry with you, “I’m so sorry I couldn’t protect you, MC…”

Zen:

  • he did not hesitate for a second
  • his princess was locked in that very room, in pain and fear, nothing could stop him from saving you at this point
  • he kicked the door open and ran inside
  • “MC! MC WHERE ARE YOU?!”
  • he heard you crying from the corner of the room, ran over and carried you outside quickly
  • it was when he was outside did he saw the state you were in
  • a black eye, broken nose and several cuts and bruises on your skin
  • he gasped at the horrible sight of you, how broken and torn apart you were
  • “MC, we’re going to the hospital now. It’s okay. Everything is okay now.”
  • he tried his best to keep his voice from cracking
  • at first he was angry at them for taking you away
  • now? all he felt was sadness and vulnerability, he wanted to cry out loud, but he stayed strong in front of you 

Jaehee:

  • when the paramedics pulled you out of the dark room on a stretcher, she couldn’t believe it
  • tears immediately sprung to her eyes
  • your broken state scared her
  • to her, any moment you could stop breathing, stop living - and it was terrifying
  • you were no longer the MC she knew, you were scratched up, ripped apart, swollen to no end
  • she went on the ambulance with you, holding back her tears, she stared at the monitor to make sure your heart kept beating
  • at the hospital, once she was left alone with you, she cried her eyes out, apologizing endlessly for not being able to keep you safe
  • for causing you so much pain and hurt
  • “MC… I’m so so sorry for… for everything. It’s my fault. I shouldn’t have told you to wait for me at the cafe after work. It was all my fault. I’m sorry, MC. I’m so sorry…”

Jumin:

  • when his guards first informed him of what happened, he was furious
  • he was so mad at the people around him for not being able to protect you from harm
  • but in reality, he was blaming himself the most
  • everything he yelled at the guards, calling them pieces of shit, garbage, useless - those were really words for himself to hear, words to describe what he felt about himself
  • the moment he found the place you were taken, he easily broke the law to get there
  • finding you in a state of horror was the worst
  • you were scared of everyone - Jumin, the guards, the doctors.
  • if anyone touched you, you’d scream out of fear
  • “GET OUT GO AWAY I HATE ALL OF YOU!”
  • he took all those words to heart
  • if only he hadn’t been working late that night
  • he wasn’t surprised at your reaction, why you hated him and all
  • but his heart still ached, tears fell non-stop
  • he was a mess 

707:

  • with his hacking, he was able to track down the people who took you away
  • he drove to the location alone
  • he was not scared of getting hurt or even dying - he was only scared for your safety
  • after fighting off a bunch of thugs, he found you locked up in a room
  • you were crying, screaming for him to leave, that it wasn’t safe, that he had to go before it was too late, before they got him too
  • he didn’t back away, approaching you with tears in his eyes
  • “MC, it’s okay. We’re going home now. I won’t let them take you ever again. I-” 
  • his voice cracked at the sight of your damaged self
  • missing teeth, cuts all over your arms and legs, a split lip 
  • he wanted to scream out in anger but he held it back, gritting his teeth
  • it was no surprise that he’d distance himself from you after this incident
  • “I’m dangerous. If you stay away from me, you’ll be safe.”

Saeran:

  • he was so afraid
  • everything that happened to you was something that happened to him
  • it hurt him so much he couldn’t stand being around you at first
  • all the recovery work was taken back
  • his anger management was no longer upheld, and he constantly lashed out at people until he broke down into tears
  • “HOW COULD THIS HAVE HAPPENED? THE WORLD IS SO UNFAIR, SO EVIL. I WISH EVERYONE COULD JUST DIE! I HATE EVERYTHING… I hate.. everything…”
  • both you and him would suffer from this incident
  • it was unclear who hurt more
  • but in a way, because he was also in pain, you guys found comfort in each other’s presence after a while
  • both of you were now the same type of person with the same horrifying experience of being kidnapped

V:

  • he didn’t lose his calm, composed self
  • he looked the same - that was, at least, on the surface
  • in reality, he didn’t know how to face the situation, how to face you
  • he was scared, upset, angry - all kinds of emotions built up in him
  • unable to sleep and eat
  • he still forced a gentle smile and words of encouragement that he said only to keep himself from being pulled under
  • the way you looked reminded him so much of his past, so much of the pain he’d tried to bury deep in his heart
  • he had failed again.
  • failed to protect the one he loved, failed to be the person he wanted himself to be
  • he saw himself in the mirror and the only word that came to mind was ‘pathetic’
  • he might be even more broken than you were - inside and out

um?? sorry it kinda changed pace at the end (with Saeran and V) but oh well haha 

btw thank you for the all recent asks sent in! I work from oldest ask up to the most recent, so please be patient! I’ll try to finish these old ones by the end of this week. I might post 2-3 requests tmrw so please look out for them!

~Cherry L.


Masterpost: click here

Askbox/Requests: click here

anonymous asked:

can i have cuddley ushijima headcanons or scenarios?

My sweet sweet boy


Ushijima Wakatoshi

  • I bet you good money that Toshi cuddles his pillow when he sleeps just like Yamaguchi does
  • And I mean I think he has like a death grip on the thing and doesn’t let it budge
  • He looks very cute and at peace when he sleeps and Tendou has a bunch of photos of Toshi cuddling a pillow from training camp (mainly as blackmail)
  • Ushijima loves cuddling so whenever he gets a s/o they will definitely have to like cuddling as well
  • When he is cuddling a person and when he is cuddling a pillow are completely different
  • Normally when he is cuddling with his s/o he holds them close to his chest because his s/o said that they like to hear his heartbeat and that it calms them
  • Ushijima is a human heater he is always very warm and his hands always draw little shapes or patterns in his s/o’s skin
  • He likes touching their skin no matter warm or cold, he just has to be touching them
  • Always the big spoon no exceptions, always
  • He rambles a lot when cuddling, talking about what went on in his day or what he did at school or what he learned in general or just random facts
  • Always peppers kisses to his s/o’s face normally causes them to blush or giggle which then makes Ushijima smile
  • Also likes holding hands while cuddling or cuddling while facing each other, he will normally rub the back of his s/o’s hand or his s/o will kiss his hands
  • Always makes sure that his s/o falls asleep before he does, and then says ‘I love you’ and then goes to bed it’s very cute
24/5/17

Being A Woman

At thirteen I used to count the beeps as I walked from my home into town
I used the number to measure how good I looked and how good I felt
only as an adult did I realise the implications of measuring your self worth by other people’s reactions
and the implications of fully grown men peering up the skirt of a newly pubescent girl

My first boyfriend wanted to buy me a dog collar because he said I was his bitch
he broke up with me because I wouldn’t let his clambering fingers inside parts of myself that I called my own
It was the first time that I realised that to some I was only worth what parts of my body they could leave fingerprints on

My second boyfriend forced my head down with words
the expectation weighed my body down to the bed until I was on all fours
choking on the word “no”
Afterwards, he praised me
and I felt sickeningly proud
It was the first time I realised that the more I’d do, the more men would want me
When he broke up with me he said it was all I’d been good for

My third boyfriend left blackberry marks all over my skin
he dug his nails into my lungs and squeezed the breath out of me
he broke me into pieces and called it love
whilst I desperately searched my soul for the strength that he’d ripped out of me

He found the flesh of other women and I pretended to be brave but
I let him ruin me over and over until he had
beaten the love out of my soul and
I could then find the courage to take back my battered heart
The police blamed me for the ways he found to stalk me for the next six years
and the shadows he created still seep under the door at night
I have a step by step escape plan should he ever be waiting for me

My fourth boyfriend and I stayed friends after it was over
until he broke my phone and refused to help pay for a new one
he eventually came into my house and climbed the stairs to my bedroom
to throw a ten pound note at me as I was sleeping
that afternoon he took the time to send me text messages calling me a slut
and months later after I gave my blessing
I watched him break my best friend’s heart

My fifth boyfriend burned things to the ground
including our relationship when my existence was no longer exciting to him
six years later he said he had changed
and we fucked for months until the time I asked him to make me come and
he “couldn’t be bothered”
he never asked me why we stopped talking
and I realised I had never been worth anything but the clothes I took off:
just another lump of willing flesh to add to the current collection

My sixth boyfriend was good in every way
but even he lost control when he pinned me to the bed and
taunted me because I had said something that made him feel weak
I said “get off me” over and over but he wouldn’t and
only bursting into tears made him snap out of whatever world he was in
They tell us “not all men”
but how will I ever know which men will lay their hands on me when even the best ones do?

The first friend I slept with had chlamydia
he didn’t tell me until a year later
when my body could have decided not to forgive me
had I not been the sort to check
he never apologised
I never asked him to

The second friend I slept with didn’t wear a condom when I asked
it was dark and I was drunk and I didn’t know until he acted like it was a victory
seven years later he didn’t take no for an answer until the fourth or fifth time his hand wondered down my torso and searched for more
The sickest thing is that for a second there was a moment where I could have taught a man that no means yes
I have never been good at impulse control but
the potential of another man passed out in the same bed stopped me

The third friend I slept with consumed me when I was drowning in darkness
he took the last of what I had and then
vanished for half a year
I made art about him
he would never have known it was about what he did

I’ve woken up in a bed with a boy I never even kissed
to find his hand running over the curve of my buttocks as I lay on my front
I could barely breathe and
I didn’t know where he would touch me next
he thought I had no voice to say no since my eyelids were closed
I didn’t know that the men you trust won’t always ask for your consent before putting their hands on you

The guy tattooing my neck makes suggestions about the sexual acts that he would do to me and I laugh because I don’t know what else to do
the boy I was seeing apologises to my abusive ex-boyfriend for taking what was his
the men on the street leer
and comment on my body like it is theirs to do what they wish with
they tell me what shape I should make with my mouth – smile!
And the drunken men slur and follow me and I try to breathe and smile and hurry at the same time because if you don’t say thank you and giggle he might grab you or beat you or rape you or kill you
and so every time when it is dark and men walk past I look at the floor and think
please don’t notice me. please don’t hurt me

A guy at the bar leans over and says
“Did you enjoy your run earlier? I saw you as you ran past.
It’s clearly working for you. You look good.”
I don’t know whether to feel angry or afraid or complimented
and so I feel all three and then I feel ashamed
I don’t know how I am supposed to feel when men I have never seen before talk to me
but my whole body tightens when I notice that they have noticed me

I’m out at the pub with a girl friend when a stranger tries to sit with us
he tells us all the intimate things that he wishes to do to us
and the more we reject him the more aggressive and unpredictable he becomes
we try to be polite to stop him from hurting us
he bangs the table in front of me with his fist and I flinch and
I remember why I am scared of men

My first driving instructor talked to me about foursomes
and breast tattoos
and whether I’d want to have a lesbian experience
he never taught me anything except how to feel uncomfortable for sixty minutes and not say a word about it

The boys who liked me thought that I should like them
they thought their eager little hands were better than the hands I allowed on me
and blamed me for my inability to see this;
blamed me for my inability to want them
One threw flowers at me
and smashed a glass against a wall
as if he could
smash my resolve into pieces

I am sick of these being just a handful of stories
a handful of crappy poetry lines
that I have spent so long trying to sound good

living in fear does not sound good and
trying to explain the shivers and the panic
and the anger and the licking of dry lips
and the dry swallow
and the dry eyes
as you accept that this is your life;
as you accept that this is normal
does not sound good
I can never explain a lifetime in lines