a.) alone, underneath a stranger’s bed at another stranger’s house party, kissing the floorboards with my ribs, palms clasped over my ears to block the terror leaking through my brain and out in front of me, somewhere tangible
b.) asking for a plastic spoon “to play with”, but with intent to rub my skin off. instead they put me on a 1:1, up and down the hallway, up and down the sick and sorry hallway. “bye, sickie”, they’d say to me warmly as they were led out out of those locked doors with a parent and a story to tell their friends.
c.) in school, grade 4, throwing my head against the bathroom wall in hopes that it will break open like an egg over a pan. is the most confusing part the fact that i do not know why i am doing this? or the fact that i do not remember the next half of the day?
d.) watching my own death unfold before i know how to spell
e.) in my own skin
f.) in my own fucking skin
g.) in the space between the blackout and the recollection, college dorm room, child’s scribbled drawings all over. “who did this?” i ask. my roommate doesn’t look at me. “why do you act like that when you draw like a little kid?” she asks. i repeat myself. “who did that?”
Everything was running smoothly, just a normal match at a regular NXT taping. I was facing a new recruit in her very first match. I went to hit a simple super kick but she went to counter way too early. My head and the rest of my body smashed straight onto the mat. That was the last thing I could remember before my world was surrounding in darkness. I opened my eyes, only to find a bright white light shining right in my eyes and a siring pain in my right shoulder. I snapped my eyes closed again and let out a painful groan. “Oh thank god! You’re awake!” a voice I knew too well exclaimed too loudly. I reopened my eyes to see my boyfriend of the past 2 years, Baron Corbin, staring down at me with worry swimming in his eyes. The light in the room burned my eyes and made my head pound even more. I reached for his hand and pressed it over my eyelids. “Are you okay? What hurts?” he questioned, this time speaking much softer. “My head is throbbing and my right shoulder feels like it’s on fire.” I told him, shifting, then wincing at the pain that shot through my body. Baron instantly hushed me and tried to calm me down in order to ease my pain. “It’s okay, we are in the trainer’s office and they’re going to help you.” He explained, using his other hand to brush all of my hair out of my face. He gently kissed my forehead then began a conversation with the trainers about my health. Throughout the conversation, he kept one hand over my eyes while the other stroked my hair. The pain I felt only got worse as time progressed. My breathing got more shallow and much faster as the pain increased. Baron must have noticed and quickly paused his talk with the doctor. “Shhh. It’s alright. We are going to get you fixed up in a few minutes but I just need you to relax.” He soothed. I shook my head and squirmed in discomfort, which only made things worse. I felt him sit down next to me, removing his hand from my hair. Gently, he sat me up straight, then pulled my body onto his lap. I rested my head on his shoulder, not moving my arm in fear of even more pain. Baron then proceeded to pull his maroon beanie off his head, letting his long black hair fall down his shoulders. Baron placed the soft hat onto my head and over my eyes and ears, which blocked the bright light and loud noise from making my head pound even more. I mumbled a word of thanks and nuzzled my head into his shoulder once more. His hands ran up and down my back, avoiding my right shoulder, while he continued to chat with the doctor. Slowly, I stopped crying and Baron continued his conversation with the doctor. Ten minute later, he gently pulled the hat above my eyes and eyes. “Okay so you dislocated your right shoulder so the doctor is gonna have to pop it back into place. It’s gonna hurt but I’ll be by your side the whole time.” he explained. I shook my head and instantly panicked. “No, I don’t want it to hurt more! Please! What about my head? It hurts too.” I begged, getting worked up. “Hey, hey, hey. Calm down, hun. It’s gonna hurt then it’s gonna go away. If you don’t do this, it’s not going to stop hurting. As for your head, you have a mild concussion. Nothing crazy bad but still serious. So, are you ready to fix your shoulder?” he asked as he calmed me down. I took a deep breath and nodded. He gestured the doctor over and moved me so I was facing him and giving the doctor full access to my shoulder. Baron held me hands as I layed my head on his shoulder, bracing myself for even more pain than I was already in.The doctor placed his hands on my shoulder and counted down from three. Once he reached one, he pushed extremely hard onto my shoulder and popped it back into place. I screamed in agony, shoving my face into Baron’s shoulder to muffle my yelling. He tried to consoul me but I couldn’t hear him over my yelling. The doctor quickly wrapped my shoulder to keep it in place and taped a bag of ice to ease the inflammed muscle. I nuzzled my face into Baron’s neck as he ran his hands through my hair then down to my sides. He whispered sweet nothings into my ear as I started to calm myself down. “Relax princess, see, it’s over. We can go home now. How does that sound?” he soothed, kissing the top of my head. I didn’t answer for a moment, taking a couple more deep breathes to get myself together. “Good. Can we go?” I mumbled, feeling exhausted from crying and pain. “Of course baby.” He scooped me up, warpping my legs around his waist and placing his palms under my thighs. I draped my good arm around his neck to support myself while he spoke to the doctor for a final time, taking something from him and walking out. The second we left the room, we were hounded by questions from friends who were waiting outside. All the noise made my head pound even more. I cringed at the noise and used my good arm to cover my ear. Baron hushed them immeditely which dulled the loud noise into a low humming. He muttered a brief explaination of my injuries before saying goodbye, heading further down the hall and leaving the show early. “All of our stuff is already in the car.” he whispered. I hummed in response, not really caring. “Don’t worry baby, we are heading right to the hotel so you can go to bed.” he reassured. I nodded and pressed a kiss into his neck as my way of thanking him for caring. We reached the car and Baron slide me into the passenger seat. Quickly, he hurried over to the drivers seat. He turned on the car, muted the radio, and started to drive away. I curled into a ball in the seat, leaning on my good shoulder. Baron placed a hand on top mine, rubbing circles on the back of my hand. “Hey babe?” I mumbled. “Yeah hun?” “Thank you for being with me during that. I couldn’t do that without you. I love you and really, truely appreciate you.” I blushed, not making eye contact. “No need to thank me, I’d do anything for you. I love you even more baby.”he picked up my hand and placed a kiss on my palm. I interlocked our fingers and pulled our hands into my chest. I cuddled into the seat and still holding his hand close to me. “Try to get some sleep sweetheart, the hotel is kinda far.” Baron suggested. I just nodded in reply, nuzzling my cheek into his hand. I closed my eyes as the noise faded out. When I woke up, I was no longer in the car but cuddled up into a pair of strong arms. Begrudingly, I pried my eyes open and was met with a flurencent aray of colors inked onto sking. I nuzzled my nose into Baron’s bicep to signal to him that I was awake. “Oh look who’s awake from their nap.” he teased. “How ya feeling sunshine?” he asked, smiling down at me. “Hmm fine. I’m kinda sore. Where are we?” I mumbeld, sleepily. “ Walking to our hotel room. So, do you want to eat? Shower? Or just head straight to bed?” he asked. “Eat and shower. Do you have anything to help my pain?” I asked, the pain in my head rapidly returning. “Yeah, the doctor gave me some medicinefor you to take.” I nodded in response. He arrived at the door and walked inside. He placed me on the couch so he could dig through his pockets to find the medicine the doctor gave me. He pulled out the perscription and went to grab a glass of water. He walked back into the living room, handing me a pill and the water. I took the medicine and leaned back into the couch. “Do you wanna show or eat dinner first?” he asked, sitting down on the couch next to me. “Can we shower first? I feel kinda gross from my match.” I explained, gesturing to my body still dressed in sweaty ring gear from tonight. “We?” he smirked, wiggling his eyebrows at me. I laughed lightly at him. “Yes, you dork. I can’t exactly move my shoulder and someone is goona have to help me wash my hair.” I playfully rolled my eyes at him, nudging him. “It would be an honor to wash your hair babe.” he spoke in a posh accent, scooping me up off the couch. I laughed as he carried me toward the bathroom. He dimmed the bright lights so the strong light wouldn’t hurt my head anymore. He placed my feet on the floor then leaned in and turned the shower on. I started to pull my gross ring gear off. Once I reached my top, I struggled. “You need some help there?” Baron asked in amusement as he yanked his shirt over his head. I mumbled in agreement, annoyed at my helplessness. Gently, he pulled the strap of my injuried shoulder and slid it up over my head. He stripped of his remaining clothes and we entered the shower. He wet my hair and slowly lathered shampoo into my hair. I leaned against him and sighed in relaxation. We finished our shower about ten minutes later and went in the bedroom to change in pajamas. Once again, Baron had to help me change, slowly pulling a shirt over my sore shoulder. Baron threw on a pair of lose fitting sweatpants and went to order dinner. I contiuned to change and brush my hair then shuffled into the living room to meet him. I layed next to him on the couch, placing my head in his lap. “Wait hold up, babe. I’ll be right back.” he said, leaning down and kissing my forehead. Baron returned carrying a bag of ice anad replaced my head on his lap. He softly pressed the ice to my shoulder. “You’re an angel.” I murmmed in bliss as he ran a hand through my hair. The ice cooled the flaming pain in my shoulder and his hand through my hair ceased the pain in my head. I was in awe of how fantastic my boyfriend was. He let out a deep chuckle and responsed to my comment. “Thanks but it’s only for you princess, only you.” I smiled up at him, he wasn’t wrong. Baron had a reputation of big bad guy with a bad attitude. In reality, Baron was a giant teddy bear to me. He just had very high walls that were hard to climb. Our relationship took a long time to get it to the point it was today but it was worth every second. He was such a loving, gentle, and caring man to me and those he loved. Baron just had a hard exterior and was often misjudged. I sat up and pressed a soft kiss to his lips. “I love you Baron.”I whispered to him after I pulled away. “I love you even more baby.” he replied, placing his hands on my hips. Our intimate moment was broken up by a knocking on the hotel door. We both jumped then quietly laughed at each others reaction. “Dinner’s here” he laughed with a grin. I slide away so he could answer the door. I got up to help with dinner but he insisted her didn’t need any help. I sank back into the couch as he made his way back over. He handed me a plate and sat next to me once more. I snuggled into his side as he wrapped his strong arm around my waist. “Thanks honey.” I said as I took a bite of my dinner. “Anytime. How’s your pain holding up?” he asked, taking another bite. “Not too bad right now since the medicine is kicking in.” “Good. I hate seeing you in pain. You gave me quiet the scare back there.” he told me, tightening his grip on my waist. “I’m sorry baby.”I replied, turning my head and pressing a kiss on his bare shoulder. “I didn’t believe it at first, I thought you were just super selling a move. Then, you didn’t move and I freaked out. It took half the locker room to hold me back from running into that ring. I was yelling and screaming, just trying to make sure you were alive. The second that gurney came back through the curtain, I was there. I couldn’t stop freaking out until you woke up, I was just losing my mind.” Baron confessed, leaning his head against the crook of my neck. “I’m sorry that you had to experience all of that because of me. I never meant to scare you like that. I-I-I’m just so sorry.” I told him, shocked at his words. Baron never really got deep with his true emotions unless he was really overwhelmed or worried.The fact that my one little injury got him so worried was rather shocking and a bit heartwarming that he cared so much. “It’s alright, well, it is now that you are okay babygirl. You just had me really worried there. I know I don’t tell you often but you mean the world to me. I’m not quite sure what I’d do without you darling.” he trailed off, kissing the top of my head. “I can’t even tell you how much you mean to me, Bar. I love you more than words can describe.” I confessed to my boyfriend. “I love you to the moon and back baby. Now, let’s head to bed. You’ve had a long day.” he suggested. I nodded in agreement as we stood up off the comfy couch. We threw our trash in the garbage can, then made our way to the bedroom. Baron opened the door and gestured me in ahead of him. I trotted into the room and got myself ready for bed. Baron slide under the covers and laid on the mattress. I went to slide next to him but he quickly pulled me into him. He brought me right against his side , holding me close to his chest. I snuggled up into his embrace, ready to fall asleep. “Goodnight Baron, I love you.” “Goodnight babygirl, I love you even more.”