I now realize that Claude is better than that loser demon Sebastian

How could I have been so wrong?  Here I am, thinking Sebastian is the best demon in Black Butler, but I have since come to my senses.

Shall I go through my reasons?

1.  First of all: the tap dancing.

Okay, what kind of dancing does Sebastian do?  Social dancing.  Please.  As in, “dancing where you’re holding onto someone else and there aren’t any set moves you just move around the dance floor looking pretty.”  Even Ciel can do that.

But Claude?

He can tap dance.  On a RAILING.  By himself.

That, my friends, is talent.

2.  The goldware

What does Sebastian fight with?  Silverware?  Please.  Last time I checked, a gram of silver is worth $0.54 a gram.  That’s 54 cents, people.  Gold is worth $38.68 a gram.  Shall I break it down mathematically for you?  That’s an increase of 71.63% more awesomeness than Sebastian.  Sure, Claude may not be original, but his choice of weapon is worth more from a financial standpoint and shows how much money the Trancy’s have no problem throwing away.

3.  Not giving a damn

If you’re not Ciel Phantomhive, Claude Faustus could care less about you.  Claude is like the popular girl we all wanted to be in middle school: confident, aloof, haughty.

My master annoys me, so how ‘bout I just kill him?  My master tries to be funny–guess what: I’m not laughing.  Contract?  What contract?  Who needs rules, anyway?  Claude can’t even be bothered pretending to like you.  Imagine how great the world would be if we all just couldn’t care less about other people and instead just obsessed over our dinner 24/7.  Deep down inside, we are all Claude.

What does Sebastian bring to the table, honestly?  A peerless devotion to his young master’s life at the risk of his own.  Preternatural dedication to his work as a butler.  A personality that leaps off the page.  Elegance, dry wit, and propriety.  Please.  Hard work and loyalty are soooo not cool.  What a loser demon.

4.  Spiders

I mean, who doesn’t love creepy, crawly eight-legged things…?  Am I right?  Who wouldn’t want a butler who invited every spider within a three-mile radius into your home to build a web in all your door jambs?  Who doesn’t love the feeling of running into a spider web and having it cling to your face on your way out the door?

What’s Sebastian got?  A crow.  Yeah, so what, crows are one of the most intelligent animals in the world with an intelligence level that rivals that of a seven-year-old child and are important symbols in many cultures.  So what.  And in the manga, Sebastian can’t even turn into a crow.  What a loser.

5.  Mad crocheting skills

Do you know how hard it is to crochet?  Honestly, I’ve tried it.  All I can do is make chains of knots.  Crocheting is a skill.  Has that loser demon Sebastian even ATTEMPTED to make a doily?  I don’t think so…!!  He can’t even knit!!!  Yeah, he can sew a dress from a coverlet in mere minutes, but my sewing machine can do that, too.  It’s not that impressive, honestly.

So, yeah, I’m glad I’ve come to my senses.  To think Sebastian was my favorite character this whole time.  I was deluded!!

I mean, would Claude ever allow himself to look this stupid?

Please, Sebastian.  Just stop.  No one thinks this is funny.  What ARE you doing, anyway?  Not even Snake knows.











April Fool’s!!!

Sebastian is and shall always be my favorite character.  I am so sorry, Sebastian.  Writing this was physically painful at times.]