Today at the Library I found a Transformers Picture book on display. Apparently, the Decepticons and the Autobots are just one big dysfunctional family to hear this book tell it.
I’m not even kidding. This picture book literally starts with Skids and Mudflap trying to figure out how to tell Optimus that they weren’t watching the baby Sam as close as they should have and Optimus goes into full Hover-Dad mode. The following is a paraphrased transcript of this hilarious, probably-not-canon book.
Optimus: “Skids, Mudflap, weren’t you two supposed to be babysitting Sam (since I sent Bumblebee and Mikaela on a mission, because clearly they’re more responsible than him)? What are you two freaking out over? …..where’s the baby?”
Skids and Mudflap: “Okay, um. Don’t freak out.”
Optimus: “Already freaking out.”
Skids and Mudflap: “It’s not as bad as you think! Sam is working at a grocery store - college kid job, or whatever - but we think his coworker is a Decepticon spy.”
Optimus: “Well is there a giant robot in the grocery store?”
Skids and Mudflap: “Uh…no?”
Optimus: “Then it’s probably not a Deceptcion. Now go back to watching Sam!”
Skids and Mudflap: “But Boss! We thought that Alice creep was a human too! Remember how that turned out?”
Optimus: “…..don’t let Sam out of your sight.”
MEANWHILE, IN A SECRET LAIR JUST FOR DECEPTICONS…..
Megatron: (cackling maniacally) “Let’s see! How can I ruin Optimus’s day today? Killing him usually works. Aw, but he’s busy all the time! How can I draw him out?”
(thinks for probably longer than he should)
Megatron: “Ah-HA! The Boy! Optimus will do anything to make sure he’s safe. Hmmm….except he normally doesn’t let him out of his sight… Hey you! Random Decepticon Who Was Never In The Movies!”
Random: “You rang, Lord Megatron?”
Megatron: “Yes. Go scan a human and go to that grocery store where the Witwicky kid works.”\
Random: “Wait, why?”
Megatron: “I just really need someone to keep the nephew occupied for like, five minutes so I can actually have a decent fight with my brother. Is that so much to ask?”
Random: “I mean, when you put it that way…” (goes into Pretender mode and spies on Sam Witwicky to keep him out of Megatron’s non-existent hair)
Megatron: “Ah, now I will send a fake text message from Sam - and never you mind how I can fake his cell-phone number. I certainly haven’t been using this to prank-call his human parents. And I definitely wasn’t using it to order pizza and leave him to pay the bill. Nope, not me. - and Optimus will think the boy is at school in trouble of some sort. Of course, that’s not entirely a lie: I’ve seen his report card, it’s pretty bad.”
ROTATING AUTOBOT/DECEPTICON INSIGNIA AS WE CUT TO OPTIMUS PRIME
Optimus: (bursts into gymnasium like the Kool-Aid Man, and sees Megatron) “You’re not Sam!”
Megatron: “Very perceptive, Optimus!” (there’s about a 60% chance that he’s not being sarcastic.)
(fight ensues, much punching, such destroy, very collateral damage)
Sam: (runs in, having ditched all three robot babysitters) “Hey Optimus, that text you got wasn’t from me!”
Optimus: “Yes, Sam. I think we’ve all figured that out at this point.”
Sam: “Uncle Megatron, stop being such a turdburglar! Leave Hover-Dad alone!”
Megatron: “Every time. Every stinking time. What’s an evil overlord got to do to pick a fight around here?!” (shakes fist and swears vengeance, then leaves)
And that is basically how the Transformers picture books go. Admittedly, it’s more amusing to me than the majority of the Bayverse movies’ scripts.
Oh hey, look at the dining room chair just gliding across the floor! Isn’t that a trip to the carnival? Fuck no. It’s time to move. This was the most egregiously perplexing part of the movie Poltergeist, when the reckless mom sees shit moving around the kitchen and she opts to pop a helmet on her kid and let her skid across the linoleum under ghost power. The fuck is your damage, lady?
No ghost ever starts by showing all his cards. They’re a crafty lot, and they’d much rather play around with you for a bit before they start their phantasmagorical squash match. It starts with a closed door and a creeper in the mirror and your stupid kid skidding across the kitchen floor like a dog with an itchy asshole. This is the ghost saying “Fuck it, I’ll give you one free shot to not die here.” Take that shot! It’s a gift! The ghost doesn’t care, as it’s literally got all eternity to make something happen. You have the better part of a week in which to live. You don’t want to double down on that kind of stupidity, so just pack an overnight bag, grab some road snacks, and leave. Forever.
Rodimus - fuckboy extraordinaire
Megatron - genocidal maniac gone soft
Ultra Magnus - green baby with mustache
Drift - sad hippie weeb
Ratchet - literal grumpy grandpa
Cyclonus - reluctant gay w suppressed feelings
Tailgate - outright gay w all the feelings
Whirl - crazy angsty punk kid
Rung - precious cinnamon bun, so cute
Percy - gay science
Brainstorm - gayer science
Nautica - precious nerd literally the cutest
Skids - cool kid who’s a secret nerd
Swerve - sad, he is so sad some1 help him
Chromedome - depressed gay
Rewind - dead gay
Getaway - caring friend or evil bf stealer???¿¿??
There was something calming about being inside a house where there was a storm outside. She could hear the rain pattering down on the windows and the wind roaring outside. The warmth and safety that her bed brought made her snuggle up even further inside it, closing her eyes and listening to the sounds of outdoors.
There was also something calming about Finn Nelson lying next to her during the storm. Rae’s mum, Karim and baby Bouchtat had gone to Tunisia for a week or so and Linda had agreed on Finn staying over with one condition: he stayed in their room and Rae in hers. The one condition, of course, that Rae and Finn had violated on the first night. Rae sneaked a peek at her boyfriend lying naked beside her; never in a million years did she think that she would bag someone attractive and amazing as Finley Nelson. His chest heaved up and down as he breathed in and out, and he stared up at the ceiling.
Rae’s hand sneaked out from beneath the duvet and stroked the scar on his right cheek. He’d once told her that he’d got it by falling off a bike as a kid. He’d skidded to a stop and Archie had slammed into the back of him by accident; sending Finn flying and his face catching on a stone. Rae had winced when he told her but Finn had chuckled. He’d told Rae that the scar was a reminder of how Archie had cared for him afterwards: helping him home quickly as possible, but stopping every once in a while to check that Finn was ok.
As Rae’s index finger traced his scar, Finn’s eyes fluttered; his long eyelashes touching his skin before lifting up again.
“What are you thinking about?” Rae asked.
Finn sighed a little before turning into his side to face Rae. Rae also shifted onto hers so that they were parallel to each other; looking each other straight in the eyes.
“Tell me about your first time?” Finn asked, “if you want to that is.”
Rae took a deep breath; she’d been dreading this conversation, unsure of how Finn would react and afraid of what he would do. As a result of her fear, she’d not really talked about it herself but promised herself that if Finn ever asked then she’d tell him. Honesty and communication was going to be the key to their relationship working.
“It was with Liam.” She started.
Finn nodded. His worst fears had been confirmed; it wasn’t that he was jealous, but he felt sad for Rae. Liam had never looked at Rae with the adoration that she deserved. Finn hoped that Liam would’ve at least made her first time special, although he had a sneaky feeling that it wasn’t the case.
Rae let out another shaky breath before continuing, “we’d kissed first the night before the fight with Amy, y’remember?”
Finn nodded again.
“But it wasn’t really anything. Like, it were just like kissing me brother. Really weird and wrong. We didn’t even mention if again, if were like you kissin’ a girl in one of Chop’s fuckin’ stupid games.” She paused, not really wanting to continue but needing to be honest about everything. “And then the night that you came to me and asked me if you had any reason to stay, I went to that party…”
Rae’s voice hitched in her throat as she remembered and Finn felt a pang in his chest as he waited for her continue; dreading what was coming. He reached up and played with her hair quietly, providing a silent comfort and an encouragement to continue.
“…and well that Saul guy tried to rape me and just everythin’ started to fall apart. Chloe were off the rails; Kester was putting in boundaries when all I really needed was for someone to be real with me; me mum and Karim were starting this new life and I didn’t belong in it…”
Her words were tumbling out so fast that Finn couldn’t even feel the rage that bit at his stomach as he thought about Saul, it immediately being replaced with empathy and pain for Rae as she continued telling him everything.
“…and you left. I guess that I thought that you wouldn’t really leave; not that quickly anyway. I came to get you that night y’know? The night after everything with Saul happened. Everything was fallin’ apart and I just needed you by my side. I think I was just late realising that; too late. I’d put on tonnes of make up and my best outfit, I wanted to look my best for you. And when you weren’t there I just ran. I didn’t have anywhere else to turn to. Kester didn’t want me visiting, Chloe had disappeared with Liam, me mam had had enough of me and told me to go love with me dad. I just-I just-I just…”
She stumbled over her words and Finn’s stomach was swirling with a sick feeling. He should’ve never left; he knew that now.
She took a steadying breath, “I went to Liam’s… Told him that I wanted a casual friendship; friends with benefits; fuck buddies; whatever you want to call it, I wanted it. I wanted it because it was the best form of self harm that I’d ever inflicted on meself and Liam was happy to help. That night I gave him a blowie, he told me no to take my clothes off; apparently we’re not exactly oil paintings.”
The rage was back in Finn’s stomach but he kept it buckled down. He owed it to Rae to hear her out. If he hadn’t run away to Leeds so quickly, then he probably could’ve saved her a whole lot of heartache.
“He didn’t even kiss me goodbye that evening,” she let out a little coarse laugh. “Then, a few nights later, I went to his again. It were after the talent show and I just felt so bad about Chloe and you and me Mum that I needed the harm again. And then that night, we had sex. There was no foreplay; we hardly even kissed. It was rough and painful and exactly what I needed.”
She made no apologies and she knew that she didn’t need to. It was a different time and almost a different Rae. She hadn’t wanted to be a fuck up anymore. She’d wanted to be happy. She deserved to be happy.
Finn made her happy. The gang made her happy. Her family made her happy.
Finn nodded slowly before turning into his back and letting out a shuddering breath. Rae could’ve sworn that the rain on the windows and the rain outside got louder and louder as she waited for Finn to say something.
“Ok” he said.
“Ok?” Rae asked; a little bit upset that he wasn’t storming around the room threatening to castrate both Liam and Saul but also relieved that they were getting a chance to talk about things.
He turned back on his side to face her. His soulful eyes were filled with sincerity and understanding. A little smile came onto Rae’s lips.
“Ok,” Finn repeated himself. “You’re strong Rae, and this just proves it even more. You got through such shit times and pulled yourself to the other side. Yes I wish that I had never gone to Leeds, that I’d waited just one more night…”
Finn was interrupted by Rae’s finger pressing itself against her lips.
“Don’t.” She said. “Don’t blame yourself. I wasn’t ready for you then. If I was ready for you then I would’ve run to Archie’s and demanded that he drive me to Leeds to get you back… but I wasn’t ready. I wasn’t even ready the night that I called you in Leeds. I wasn’t ready until you walked through those doors in the hospital and reminded me that I were strong.”
“You are strong.” Finn replied. “I love you.”
Rae smiled, “I love you too.”
Before her was someone who was no longer a boy, but a man. Leeds had changed Finn too; he seemed more mature. Had it been before Leeds, Finn would’ve leapt out of the bed and run to Liam’s to beat the shit out of him, similar to how he’d hurt Big G all those months before. But here he was, simply accepting her story and staying with her.
“So,” Rae begun, “how did you first time go?”
“It was with fuckin’ Stacey,” Finn laughed, “she put bloody backstreet boys on in the background.”
Rae giggled, “sounds like you suffered worse than I did.”
“I’m telling ya Rae-Rae,” Finn grimaced, “it were like I was havin’ sex for the first time and I were ecstatic about it but at the same time my eardrums were being scratched out by Nick bloody Carter.”
Mickey had been born two months and six days before his due date. The doctors hadn’t been too optimistic about his chances of survival, not exactly something a seventeen year old girl needed to hear hours after giving birth, but since Terry had been doing another stint in prison, Mickey’s mother had to handle everything on her own. It probably surprised the fuck out of her when Mickey pulled through.
Mickey had been four when he first saw a picture of his mother. She had od’d three months after Mandy had been born, her body found under the L, her shoes and jacket missing. Joey had kept a picture of her hidden under his bed, but when Terry found it he burned it in the backyard after leaving a rapidly swelling welt across Joey’s face.
Mickey would deny it up and down if anyone asked, but he cried as he watched the last remains of his mother burn, but the tears immediately stopped when Terry grabbed his face and snarled, “Only pussies cry. Knock it off.”
The boys haven’t wanted to learn how to ride their bikes since we took off their training wheels. They didn’t like practicing and, quite frankly, I’m too out of shape to run along with them on the street. Seriously, I get winded just taking out the trash.
Our friend Tom (also a dad to twin boys) heard our plight and said, “Oh, I’ve got a super easy way for kids to learn how to ride. Take them to a small grassy hill and just keep letting them roll down until they get the hang of it.”
He claimed, using this tactic, his boys were riding within an hour. Needless to say, we were skeptical. But, when Wyatt showed interest in giving his bike another go, we decided to use Tom’s method.
So, this morning we went to a park with a small grassy hill, set Wyatt at the top and let him roll down. Not only did it work, but it worked on his first try.
Wyatt rolled down the little hill and just started pedaling. When Boone saw Wyatt doing it, he wanted to give it a go. Same result.
They rode all over the park. Sure, there were a few wrecks, but that’s what the grass is for—softer landings. By the end of the outing, Wyatt had even mastered skidding.
This morning my kids couldn’t ride a bike. This afternoon, they can.