I Don't Deserve to Be Loved.
warnings: swearing, violence
word count: 1,335
You were pulled from a deep sleep by the Joker thrashing around beside you. Sitting straight up, you flicked on the lamp on your bedside table. You gently laid your hand on his shoulder and tried to shake him awake.
“J?” You whisper. “Wake up.”
He mumbles something incoherently so you shake his shoulder a little more violent than before. He jerks awake, sitting up with a terrified look on his face. His breathing is heavy. If you weren’t crazy, you’d think he was almost having a panic attack.
“J?” You reach out a hand towards him, but he flicks it away without removing his gaze from in front of him. “What’s wrong, puddin’?”
He stands up and walks into the bathroom that’s connected to your shared bedroom. You figure he wants some space, so you sit in bed for a few minutes waiting for him to come back.
After 5 minutes of listening to complete silence coming from the bathroom, you go check on him. Knocking softly on the door, you ask if you can come in.
Taking a risk, you ignore the demand and open the door. J is standing in front of the mirror with his head hanging low. His knuckles are paper white from gripping the counter so hard.
“I said go away.” He growls, looking at his reflection in the mirror with a dangerous look on his face.
“No, I want you to tell me what’s wrong.” You walk over to him away put one of your hands on top of his. “Why are you acting like this?”
“GOD DAMNIT, (Y/N), I SAID TO GO AWAY!” With that, the smacked your hand away with so much force that it left a tingling sensation behind. You looked at him dumbfounded. You decide to keep prying at him.
“Why?” You ask, rubbing your hand that he hit.
“I don’t want you around me anymore.”
Those words were enough to send your world crashing down around you.
“Fine.” You hold your head high and turn on your heel, walking out of the bathroom. You slam the door.
You throw on some clothes and drag a suit case out from the depths of your closet. You pack everything you think will sustain you for a while, and head out the front door without speaking a word to anyone.
It had been four days since you left the Joker. Four days since he told you he didn’t want you around anymore.
You were staying at a sketchy hotel, a few towns over from Gotham City. The place smelled of insect repellent and cheap cigarettes, but at least you had a roof over your head.
You didn’t leave the hotel room, except to go to the lobby to the snack and drink machine, although you didn’t eat much. All you did was lay in bed and think. Maybe cry a little.
This wasn’t the first time you had walked out on J. Sometimes he just gets too much and you needed to escape for a few days to spend some time on your own. You never left because he told you to. But this time was different. This time, you had a feeling you wouldn’t be going back, and he wouldn’t be asking you to.
You decided to do something a little productive and turned on the TV. There were only two stations; the news and a latin soap opera on rerun. You chose to watch the news.
“The infamous Clown Prince of Crime is back at his wicked ways again, terrorizing the streets of Gotham City.” The news anchor said in that mainstream news reporter voice. The screen flashed a video of J standing in the middle of a busy street, with a machine gun in hand. He was shooting aimlessly into the crowd.
You turned off the TV and sighed. Why was he like this? You knew he was only rampaging so much because he couldn’t find you. Why was he even bothering to look? He told you to go.
He would find you soon. He always does.
It had now been a week, and ever since you turned the TV on three days ago, you keep finding yourself coming back to watch it. You liked being able to see J. You missed him more than you’d like to admit.
He had now robbed three banks, killed at least one hundred people, and blown up countless buildings only because you weren’t found in them. You were glad you were smart enough to get out of the city. You wanted him to work for it.
You were about to walk to the drink machine in the lobby when the power went out. Confused, you walked to the lobby anyways and asked the front desk lady what happened. She wasn’t sure, but it had gone out everywhere in the hotel. The sky was a bright blue, no storms brewing. Maybe someone cut the power off?
The drink machine was out with the power, so you walked back to your room and sat on the bed. You had a flicker of hope that this had something to do with J.
Just as that thought passed through your brain, the window beside your bed was busted open. You quickly shielded your face with your arms, and luckily didn’t get cut anywhere. You peeked out to see who caused this catastrophe. Your heart dropped when you saw the green hair.
Expecting an angry look sent from hell, you saw the exact opposite. Tears were forming in J’s icy eyes and there was a prominent frown upon his red lips. Your heart broke and you stepped on the broken glass to stand in front of him.
“Oh, baby doll,” He sighed, bear hugging you and burying his face in the crook of your neck. “I’m sorry.” You hugged him back and rubbed the back of his head. You led him over to sit on the bed.
“I don’t know why I said what I said.” He muttered as he held his head in his hands. “I just, I thought that if you left, I couldn’t hurt you.”
“But you hurt me by telling me you didn’t want me around anymore.” You said quietly, looking at the floor.
“I know, but,” He sighed. “(Y/N), I’ve never been capable of loving someone, and nobody has ever been capable of loving me.”
“You,” You look at him with wide eyes. “You love me?” He hesitated, but nodded.
“I don’t know how to love. I’m always scared I’m going to hurt you. I’m always scared that you’re,” A tear fell from his eye. “That you’re going to hurt me,”
You had never seen the Joker cry. You had never even seen him get close to sad, but now that you were seeing it, it shattered your heart. You knew how fucked up his past was, he talked about it before, but you never saw it bother him. He always brushed it off, saying he didn’t care and that he liked it.
“I would never, ever hurt you, J” You held his face in your hands. He looked at you with a few tears still falling from his eyes.
“I’ve done horrible things, (Y/N).” He pushed your hands away gently. “I-I’ve hurt so many people, I’ve hurt you. And the thing about it is… I like it.” He stands up and walks aimlessly around the small room.
“I don’t deserve to beloved.” His voice cracks and he swallows the tears. “Everyone I’ve ever tried to love goes away, or I hurt them. I’m so scared of losing you because of my idiocy.” You walk over to him and pull his face towards you.
“I love you, J, so much,” You lean your forehead against his. “I’m not going anywhere, no matter what you do to me.” He pulls you into a tight embrace. You look up at him and into his eyes.
“You deserve love.”
as usual I had no earthly idea how to end this so :))