skeeter is me

  • Rita: Mister Malfoy! Rita Skeeter here with the Daily Prophet. Can you explain for us, in detail, how you felt when the one and only Harry Potter - a boy you previously had a famous childhood rivalry with and tormented any chance that you could get while growing up - pulled your helpless, stranded body from the fiendfyre just in time to save your life?
  • Draco: I-
  • Rita: :)
  • Draco: ...sad.
  • Rita: Is that your official statement?
  • Rita: "I sad?"
Potter Potter Potter
  • Draco: Ugh, it's always 'Potter Potter Potter!' Why is everyone so obsessed with fucking Potter?!
  • Pansy: *sigh* Draco, that's literally just you. You are the only one obsessed with Potter
  • Draco: What?! Don't be ridiculous. What about the constant rumors??
  • Pansy: You started every one of those rumors
  • Draco: The stories in the Prophet?
  • Pansy: You mean the stories you came up with and then gave to Skeeter?
  • Draco: Well explain to me all the whispered conversations I hear when I'm *trying* to get work done?
  • Pansy: You talk to yourself when you do your homework
  • Draco: The badges with his name on them?
  • Pansy: You made those
  • Draco: The songs about him?
  • Pansy: You again
  • Draco: It's not just me! The other Slytherins all make fun of him too!
  • Pansy: You threatened to ostracize us if we didn't regularly antagonize him!
  • Draco: Well surely you can't imagine I'm responsible for the rampant speculation about his sex life
  • Pansy: You literally started a betting pool about the size of his dick.
  • Draco: All the girls asking him to the dance?
  • Pansy: You offered fifty galleons to anyone who swore they would take him and then not touch him
  • Draco: The invasive fantasies about his mouth?
  • Pansy: You— wait, what?
  • Draco: The shrine to him under my bed?
  • Pansy: Oh my god

Hermione approached Professor Sprout at the end of her fourth year for help in creating a magical terrarium with enough plants to support a mid-sized beetle in the closed jar for a year. 

Sprout was more than happy to help one of her top students. She, too, used to take collections of magical plants home during the summer, and was delighted to find Hermione as interested as she’d been at that age. 

anonymous asked:

💍

My husband, @scarecrow-hero is pretty incredible. He’s adorable, wonderful and incredibly funny. He’s so talented that he really drives me to try to test the limits of my own creativity. :) I’m so lucky to have him.  He’s wonderful and beautiful in general.

We’re both also total nerds.

This is us:

And also this:

And this little gem too:

We’ve got a dozen more like this. I could go on for days, I swear.

996. One day, Harry stumbled across a hilariously terrible story someone had written about him and his friends. He decided to show to Ginny, Ron and Hermione and the reactions consisted of laughter, and constant repeating of the phrase "Wait, what?" Once they finished reading it, Ron immediately said "Can you imagine if that actually happened?" To which they all collectively shuddered. This story was called “Harry Potter and the Cursed Child.”
Spare Parts

Setting: Canon, post-war AU; not epilogue compliant

Word Count: 1,712

Written For: @small-steps-and-better-days [fic giveaway #6]

Notes: Pansy Parkinson character study [minor Cormac McLaggen x Pansy Parkinson + implied future Harry Potter x Pansy Parkinson + background Draco Malfoy x Hermione Granger]


Pansy’s life doesn’t exactly end after the war, no.

But it doesn’t really begin, either.


People hate her, of course.

They call her a coward like they think it might hurt her feelings, and they send her thousands of letters—words extra scathing, slurs extra derogatory—like they think she’s actually capable of succumbing to an emotion as selfless as shame.

She gives the Prophet their exclusive after half a year has gone by, Rita Skeeter and her acid-green quill perched on the butter-knife edge of a violet jacquard sofa in the sitting room, not unlike a cobra poised and waiting to strike—and it’s nostalgia and it’s reminiscence and it’s a sour, semisweet moment of perfect, perfect clarity; because why should Pansy have to apologize to anyone, to everyone, for very simply not wanting to die?

Harry Potter and his pride of loyal lions hadn’t fought that war for her.

They hadn’t saved her from the rampage, from the carnage, and they hadn’t helped her when all she knew how to do was scream, scream, scream. They hadn’t arrested those Death Eaters or counted their corpses or held their unicorn-pure wands up in triumph, in victory, for a girl with shaking hands and a Slytherin-green tie. They hadn’t won for her. They never would.

And Pansy—

She’d owed them nothing, then.

She owes them nothing, now.

Keep reading

If Harry Potter is about to turn 34, the Rita Skeeter article is set 16 years later, and Teddy’s snogging Victoire… three years before the epilogue… so…  

James…was evidently bursting with news. “Teddy’s back there,” he said breathlessly, pointing back over his shoulder at the billowing clouds of steam. “Just seen him! And guess what he’s doing? Snogging Victoire!”

He gazed up at the adults, evidently disappointed by the lack of reaction.

Our Teddy! Teddy Lupin! Snogging our Victoire! Our cousin! And I asked Teddy what he was doing–”… “And he said he’d come to see her off! And then he told me to go away! He’s snogging her!” James added as though worried he had not made himself clear. 

No shit, lack of reaction. This made national news three years ago, James, get your head in the game. 

DOUG: Bluffington State University

Doug and his friends are college freshmen at Bluffington State University. In his journal, Doug describes his experiences with each of his friends since entering college.

Doug Funnie + Porkchop

Dear Journal: I can’t believe tomorrow is my first day of college. I’m both excited and a bit anxious. This feeling reminds me of the time my family and I first moved to Bluffington. It seems like it was just yesterday that Skeeter taught me how to properly place an order at Honker Burger. Or when I accidentally spilled ketchup on Roger’s suede shoes. I miss those days. Life was simpler then. The thought of moving away from home is kinda scary, but at least i’ll have my best pal Skeeter is my roommate. How bad can it be? 

Skeeter Valentine

Dear Journal: At first I thought having my best pal Skeeter as a roommate would be sweet, but man… I can’t get any studying done when he’s around! His beat boxing makes it nearly impossible to focus. He’s worse than Larvell Jones in Police Academy! I can’t even get any rest because he Honks in his sleep. Now don’t get me wrong, Skeeter’s great, but this arrangement just isn’t quite what I thought it would be. I wonder if it’s too late to share a dorm with Al & Moo Sleech?

Patti Mayonaise

Dear Journal: My roommate situation may be less than ideal, but at least I share a class with Patti. It seems i’m not the only one that’s having a hard time adjusting to college life. The thought of not being at home to help her dad worries her sometimes. I think softball helps to ease her mind. She’s still quite the tomboy. Her new hairstyle seems to reflect that also. She’s never looked better. Even after all of these years I still get butterflies when I’m around her though… 

Chalky Studebaker

Dear Journal: I think it goes without saying that Chalky is the most popular guy on campus. He’s a star student. All the girls love him. All the guys want to be him. And he’s the starting quarterback of the football team. In Bluffington State’s first game against The University of Bloatsburg Chalky threw a total of six touchdown passes. Pretty amazing stuff. What’s even more amazing to me is despite all of his accomplishments he still thinks he’s trapped in his older brother’s shadow.

Beebe Bluff + Connie Benge

Dear Journal: Social media is a great way to keep in touch with friends, but if you happen to be Beebe and Connie it’s just a more convenient way to gossip. Since Beebe became “instagram famous” she’s more snobby than before, which I didn’t even think was possible. And Connie’s ego is even bigger than her head ever since she reached 10,000 Twitter followers. It’s not easy to relate to them anymore unfortunately… It’s like they’re completely consumed!

Judy Funnie + Porkchop 

Dear Journal: I’ve been feeling a little homesick lately. I kinda miss my family. (Even Judy but don’t tell her I told you that). I hope my buddy Porkchop is doing okay without me. He’s getting pretty old. Mom says Judy put him on a diet because he put on few pounds from all those Honker Burgers. Nothing but beets and water. That’s no way to live. I guess Judy didn’t know that beets make Porkchop gassy before she made that decision. Boy is she in for surprise!

Roger Klotz + Stinky

Dear Journal: During middle school and high school Roger gave me a hard time. So I was a bit relieved when I learned that he wasn’t going to be joining us at Bluffington State. I hear he went to Bloatsburg Tech. Ned, Boomer and Willy are here, but it seems they don’t really know how to function without Roger at the helm so they joined a fraternity. They’re relatively harmless now. Though Boomer did tell me that Roger and Judy secretly dated briefly. Ugh.. Can you imagine if they got married? That would make Roger my brother-in-law. Yikes!

anonymous asked:

your recs are always perfect so i was wondering if you knew any where the boys get outed, through the prophet or by their friends discovering them? dont worry if not thank you so much

Hey, anon! I don’t know of a ton where they’re outed by the Prophet and I think I’ve done ones where people walk in on them (though if I haven’t def feel free to come back) but I do have a bunch where the prophet plays a role in their getting together. Enjoy!! And remember to leave some love for the authors.

Drarry Recs: ft. the Daily Prophet

Afternoon Tea by Amorette - M, 15k - Draco’s mother insisted on setting him up with Harry Potter, just because they both came out at the same time. He sometimes hated her.

Blind Leading the Blind by nqdonne - NC-17, 25k - Harry catches wise to a series of blind items in the Daily Prophet’s gossip pages that sound suspiciously like him. Except no one knows that he’s gay, do they?

Buzz by faithwood - NC-17, 1k - Rita Skeeter is determined to dig up some dirt on the future Minister for Magic.

The Daily Profit by disapparater - G, 1k - After yet another article in The Daily Prophet invades Harry’s privacy, he writes to the owner: Draco Malfoy.

Full Circle by charmed310 - NC-17, 8k - Keeping a relationship secret with a high-profile figure like Harry Potter isn’t easy, especially when Rita Skeeter strikes again!

Make Me a Headline (I Want to Be That Bold) by dicta_contrion - NC-17, 31k - Draco never expected to see Harry doing that again. Especially with someone else, in a grainy photograph that’s landed on his desk one Monday morning.

My Own Worst Enemy by dysonrules - M, 22.5k - After a night of heavy drinking, Draco wakes up fully-clothed to find that his flat is a wreck and several things are missing.  Things only get worse from there.

Outed by Mab - NC-17, 1.5k - Harry’s outed in the Daily Prophet and Draco Malfoy decides to seduce him.

The Page Eleven Wars by fireflavored - NC-17, 8.5k - In a gossip-hungry post-war Wizarding World, Rita Skeeter has a wildly successful column in the Daily Prophet known as Page Eleven. Naturally, her favourite targets are the poster boys of the two sides of the war: Draco Malfoy and Harry Potter. Bored and annoyed, the two take up tabloid baiting for sport and pleasure.

The Shadowy Corners by Kedavranox - NC-17, 29k - Fifteen years after the war, Draco is still struggling to survive. Living in squalor and under heavy Ministry restrictions, Draco takes Pansy’s advice on an option he had never thought to consider before. A means to regain everything he lost and more, courtesy of the wizarding hero –Harry Potter.

Potters’ Embrace Muggle Traditions With Strange Decorations

23rd December 2015

Despite recent rumours of tribulation in the Auror Office, Harry Potter appears to have embraced the full Christmas spirit this year by adorning his house with an array of festive ornaments and illuminations. 

The controversial hero was seen with his wife Ginevra and 8-year-old daughter Lily on Friday Morning, bedecking their Georgian home in Bloomsbury, London with an exhibition of muggle Christmas lights. This is not the first instance the couple have illustrated their fondness of strange muggle traditions, as only last month their were seen engaging in the muggle tradition of ‘trick or treating’ with their 2 youngest children. 

The duo are reportedly thoroughly integrated within the British muggle community, and are often seen conversing with their muggle neighbours. Some allegations suggest that Mr Potter has even gone as far to purchase a muggle communication device, known as an ‘iphone’. 

“Considering the past few years, I did not suspect the Potters’ stature could be tarnished any further, but perhaps not,” commented Rita Skeeter on Tuesday evening. “This constant adoption of muggle ‘traditions’ may discourage muggleborn discrimination, however it consequently means neglecting our own wizarding traditions. The Potters are so iconic they have become representatives of British wizarding culture - what messages to we send internationally if we are abandoning our own traditions for these substandard muggle ones?” The Potter couple appeared undeterred by Skeeter’s comment however, with Mrs Potter allegedly responding with the comment “you’re just bitter I hexed you last year, you old bat.” 

Nevertheless the Potter family appear to be entirely elevated for their Christmas celebrations, as they welcomed home their eldest son James, 12, on Friday evening following his first term at Hogwarts School. Current Hogwarts Head Boy and Godson Teddy Lupin has also been glimpsed around the Bloomsbury area, supposedly visiting the family. 

[Pictured: The Potter Family residence in Bloomsbury, Central London.] 

The new Rita Skeeter quidditch report on Pottermore though.

Like can’t you just imagine. Hermione comes into the kitchen and Ron’s looking pretty distressed. Then she sees the article lying on the table and gets really worried. Because what did that woman write this time. And it must have been really bad, because they laugh at her ridiculous stories now. Except Ron looks really distraught, and he’s running his fingers through his hair all anxiously.

But then Ron looks up and sees her, and his face falls farther. And he asks in a very pained voice, “is my hair really thinning?!”

GAH.