skateboard clock

A Different Kind of Buzz

Although I’ve heard Lorde’s “Royals” a hundred times, I never paid attention to the lyrics until today.  I parked, grabbed my gym bag as the radio was playing… Cristal, Maybach, diamonds on your timepiece. Jet planes, islands, tigers on gold leash.  That kind of luxe just ain’t for us… 

And just as I pulled the keys out of the ignition, I caught…

We crave a different kind of buzz… 

That last sentence hit me like edibles (pot brownies).  if you’ve never had any, it hits you much later.  And hard.  As I walked across street toward my Crossfit box, I realized that the “buzz” I get these days is very different than what I used to chase a decade ago.  Today, my life thirst is quenched in moments rather than objects.  It’s not that I don’t want things.  Who the fuck doesn’t want a tiger on a gold leash?  But that hip hop dream doesn’t give me the high it once did.  At forty, I can say my palate has changed. Maybe I’m getting old but a good day for me is hard sleep, a counter top breakfast, a client’s revelation, honest sweat from physical push, and being a conduit that connects stories.  My lenses shifted from macro to micro.  I can finally see mud as soil, and appreciated what is in front of me.  I’m used to focusing on things in the distance.  Shiny things.  A mirage.  

I hate that America was sold to my parents as the land of opportunity instead of oceans and mountains and year around sun.  I hate that I grew up constantly stressed about the daily sales of the family business when I should have been building forts and climbing trees.  We thought owning a franchise was the American dream.  It just meant we had to work on holidays.  The “American dream” took away Christmas and made me the orphan at my neighbor’s every Thanksgiving.  And debt held us captive, as it does many Americans.  But being the youngest sibling, I managed to escape and find joy spinning on cardboard, doing olliies over trashcans, and day dreaming.  Those were the only moments the world was big.

As I grew up, my world became very small.  I got sucked into the chase, my eyes lockings on things in the distance.  The weight of uncertainty left me feeling unfulfilled and worth less.  I was in a different kind of debt, paying a lot of interest on what ifs.  

Until I escaped again.  These days, cardboard is replaced by pull up bars and a running clock, a skateboard by a motorcycle, and although the dreams are different, they are more vivid than ever.

…But every song’s like gold teeth, grey goose, trippin’ in the bathroom
Blood stains, ball gowns, trashin’ the hotel room,
We don’t care, we’re driving Cadillacs in our dreams…

My world has become big again.

- Angry