More Than A Feeling
Type: Angst / Fluff / High School!AU(requested)
Jonghyun always got this feeling when he was with ______. The feeling of regret when every moment he spent with her passed and he still hadn’t confessed his true feelings to her. He hated it, but he knew deep down he was a coward. Afraid of rejection. Afraid that their friendship of four years would flush down the toilet over an unreciprocated confession. He didn’t want that. But he still hated that feeling he got when he knew he was missing his chance to tell her. It happened all the time, everyday. Even now.
“So I was going to go to the ice cream shack after school, you wanna come?” he asked, his chest swelled with hope.
“I can’t, I’m going to the skating rink with Jihoon after school.”
His chest deflated.
“I thought you hated ice skating? You told me that when you were younger you fell and you never did it again.”
“Well yeah, but I was six, Jonghyun. Besides, Jihoon works there so he’s going to teach me when his shift ends.”
“Oh,” he looked down at the homework he was pretending to work on. He had offered and even tried to teach her how to skate once but she refused. Why, all of a sudden, did she want to learn? And who’s this Jihoon guy anyway?
“Who’s Jihoon?” he asked, hoping he didn’t sound as heartbroken and worried as he was.
“A guy I met in my advanced English class. He’s a senior.”
An older guy, of course. Well technically, Jonghyun was older than her by a few months, but since they were born the same year, she didn’t call him “Oppa”. He wished she would.
“I have to get going. Jihoon is walking me to Art. I’ll call you later, okay, Jong?”
He nodded robotically. His heart felt numb as he got that feeling yet again. He always walked her to Art.
What Jonghyun was hoping would be a little crush, turned into something worse. _______ started spending more time with Jihoon and even started dating him. She hadn’t told Jonghyun, which is what upset him the most. But she started ditching on all of her and Jonghyun’s usual plans. No more movie nights on the weekend. No more ice cream shack after school. No more walking to Art. No more lunch under their favorite tree in the courtyard. The only thing that stayed the same was that he still got that stupid feeling everyday.
Being with Jihoon was amazing. For the past month, he was sweet, a gentleman, and he knew how to make me laugh. But there was a weird feeling I got when I was with him. Like I was somehow … empty? Like there was something missing. I missed spending time with Jonghyun. I knew it was my fault for ignoring him. It wasn’t intentional; I was just wrapped up in this new-found admiration for Jihoon.
There were many times I saw Jonghyun around school. He would look away or pretend he hadn’t seen me in the first place. When I called or texted him he would ignore them. I finally got the hint that he was angry with me, and he had the right to be. It wasn’t until I stood in my room one afternoon while I got ready for a date with Jihoon that I realized why I was so empty. I missed Jonghyun so much, not because of the funny jokes in between classes or the stories he told at the ice cream shack or how helped me with my homework on the weekends while we watched some of his favorite classic films. I missed being with him. I missed the way he let me lean into his side while we watched movies. How he would offer to pick up ice cream before coming over to my house when he knew I was on my period. How he always seemed to know when I was upset. The way he made funny faces to make me feel better.
I couldn’t see Jihoon doing stuff like that for me.
I sighed as I grabbed my belongings and headed off to the movie where Jihoon would be waiting for me. The date was like all of our other dates. A little talk until we found something to do, then a little more talk as he drove me home. He called me sometimes after I woke up and before I went to sleep. He texted me to tell me when our next date was. It was getting recycled and boring; I didn’t like it. ~~~ The next day I saw Jonghyun walking to lunch by himself. I was going to meet Jihoon, but I wanted to talk to Jonghyun first. I hadn’t talked to him in weeks.
He was walking alone in the hallway. When he noticed me, he avoided eye contact with me and stuck to one side of the hall. I smiled and put a hand on his arm to try and stop him from walking.
He glanced down at me with a stony expression, staring at my hand on his bicep. I took my hand away and cleared my throat.
“I was wondering if you want to go to the ice cream shack after school?”
“Why? Jihoon have plans that don’t involve you for once?”
I was taken aback by the attitude in his voice, but I understood why he was angry. I was a jerk to him and ignored him.
“No, I just- I’ve been a terrible friend and I want to make it up to you. I want things to go back to normal.”
He scoffed, “Well you haven’t needed me these past few weeks, so just go back to your boyfriend.”
He kept walking but I grabbed his arm again.
“Hey! Look, I know I’ve been ignoring you and trust me, it wasn’t on purpose. I’ve missed you. A lot. And I just want to spend some time with you. Is that too much to ask?”
He sighed, glancing at me again, “Why did you ignore me?”
“I was stupid,” I shrugged, “I’m really sorry. I’ll buy you ice cream for a week to make up for it.”
“You bet your ass you will. Come on. I don’t suppose you have money for lunch do you?”
“You know me all too well,” I laughed, walking close beside him as we walked to lunch.
The conversation started with “Where were you for lunch yesterday?”. I had completely forgotten to meet Jihoon after I talked with Jonghyun. But I didn’t get a chance to remember in between all of the jokes and stories I’d missed from Jonghyun. It felt so good to talk to him after being apart for so long.
Eventually I got the courage to say, “Jihoon, I’ve loved spending this past month and a half with you. You’ve been an amazing boyfriend but I think it’s better if we break up.”
He wished me a happy future and agreed to remain on good terms, to help each other study if we needed help. To go out for dinner once in a while. Because that’s what friends do. And I wanted to do more than that with Jonghyun. I wanted to be more than friends.
“I heard you and Jihoon split. You okay?” Jonghyun asked after school the next day.
I prodded at the melting ice cream in my cup with my bright blue spoon and nodded, “I was the one who did it. But for good reason.”
“Yeah. I have feelings for someone else. I didn’t want to hurt him.”
His eyebrows arched as he shifted in his seat, “Do you? Mind if I ask who?”
I opened my mouth as if I were going to answer and then bit my lip. I shook my head and pretended to blush, “No, it’s embarrassing.”
“Tell me,” he whined, leaning over to take a scoop of my ice cream.
“Well, he’s quite short compared to most guys. But he’s really funny. And he’s really sweet. He cares about me, and makes me feel loved. I think I really really like him.”
Just as I expected, the wheels still weren’t turning in his head. He looked down into his cup with a little frown.
“Oh, he seems like a good guy,” he said, taking a scoop of ice cream. Chocolate smeared at the corner of his lip, and him (being his dense self), didn’t notice.
I laughed, “He is, but he sure doesn’t know how to eat ice cream. That’s for sure.”
I leaned over the table to wipe the corner of his mouth with my thumb. His head snapped up, and the question mark in his head was almost visible on his face. I laughed again at his confusion as he finally started to understand.
“Yeah, it’s you, dumbie.”
“Hey, who are you calling a dumbie? I am your sunbae.”
“You may be my sunbae but you’re also my oppa. And I don’t plan on treating you any differently now that I like you.”
“Things might have to change when we start dating,” he smirked.
“‘When’? How about 'if’?”
“You know you want me. You said it yourself, 'I think I really really like him’.”
I shoved his shoulder playfully before grabbing my booksack and standing from the table, “Come on. I’ve got places to go.”
He quickly grabbed his bag and tried to catch up with me. Once he did, he grabbed my wrist. When I turned around he glared.
“Wait a second- I am not short compared to most guys!”
I couldn’t help but laugh before kissing him swiftly on the lips, “Whatever you say, sweetie.”