Last night we had a club full of customers who all wanted to sit and watch and not spend any money, but they all sure did want our phone numbers and can I just say– just–
I think it’s time we had a talk. Because I love you, dear customers, really I do. So I want to help you help us. Honestly guys, it’s not that hard to be a good strip club patron m, but so many of you seem to have a difficult time grasping what is and is not acceptable behavior. So I provide this list of tips with all the love in the world. Read it. Share it with your friends. Print it out and put it on your fridge. Keep it in your pocket for reference. Do whatever it takes to remember the following things, and it will make everybody’s night better.
•If you don’t have money that you’re willing to spend on the dancers, don’t come. We don’t get paid by the club. Come with money to spend, and actually spend it, or else stay home because you’re taking up space and wasting everybody’s time.
•If a dancer has spent a significant amount of time sitting with you and you aren’t going to get a dance, tip her for the time. We have a limited amount of one in which to make as much as possible, and unless you told her up front that you didn’t want any dances, you wasted hers. Y'all can pay six bucks for a beer but a few dollars (minimum) tip for a beautiful woman is the biggest rip off in the world? Really?
•Don’t haggle us over our dance prices. It’s insulting as hell.
•If a dancer tells you not to touch her in a certain way, don’t do it. It’s wrong elsewhere; it doesn’t stop being wrong just because we’re not fully clothed. Not to mention, you can get us fucking FIRED because your selfish, rapist ass “couldn’t help it.” If you “can’t help it,” stay the fuck at home, you god damn creep.
•Don’t complain to us about the prices of dances, rooms, or whatever else the club has to offer in terms of dancer-customer interaction.
• “You have to work for this dollar!” S T O P
•Don’t get mad at us for not wanting to spend time with you when you don’t have any money to spend or just don’t want to part with it. You not being able to afford a dance is not our problem. You being stingy isn’t our problem. We are WORKING. It’s not an outrageous concept to want to make money for doing our jobs!
• “It’s all about the money for you!” YES! If your boss told you you would no longer be getting paid, you would stop showing up for work, wouldn’t you? We all work because we want to get paid. Again, why is it such an outrageous concept that we want to find someone who will compensate us for our work? If you want a girl to spend time with you for no pay, Tinder is absolutely free.
• Quit acting like because you’re young and attractive, you’re exempt from the rules. “I should get a dance for free because I’m young and hot.” Nobody cares about your fucking appearance. PAY US. Furthermore, quit telling us, “Oh I don’t get dances, I can get laid whenever.” Good for you. Get the hell out and go find someone to fuck you then. Why come if you aren’t going to spend money? You’re a dick. And no, I won’t let you take me to dinner instead, you cheap, cocky fuck.
•Stop asking us for our numbers; we are there to WORK, not find a fuck buddy or relationship.
If you can’t treat us with respect, just don’t come! Idk why so many of you seem to think that you can come to our place of work and act like total jerks.
Regardless of how you feel about what we’re doing, we are there doing an actual job, and YOU CHOSE to come see us. What’s more, we pay from our own pockets for the pleasure of dealing with your rude, ungrateful, disrespectful asses for no base pay, and with no guarantee of making any money at all (because what we make depends on what YOU, the customers, give us. Most of us are independent contractors and therefore don’t get paid by the club). The least you can do is act right if you’re going to come to our clubs.
Come with money and be ready to spend it, quit expecting us to bend over backwards for a single dollar (how fucking condescending and annoying can you possibly be??), and treat us like human beings. It’s not that hard.
Aliens reacting to human children losing their baby teeth and then their permanent teeth coming in. Maybe also being introduced to the concept of the Tooth Fairy and trying to figure out how that whole thing works?!
Most days Kadew could deal with human weirdness. He could handle the high levels of emotion, the contradicting traits of extreme survival skills and a complete lack of self preservation that many of the species had. So when his crew mate, Human-Tom, invited him to visit earth and experience his culture, Kadew had thought he could handle it and agreed.
It wasn’t the dangerous flora or fauna that sent him screaming from the planets surface.
Human-Tom had introduced Kadew to his son, Tiny-Human-Jon, who was no more than an infant. Kadew found the tiny pink creature repulsive, but he’d smiled and cooed about how cute the infant was for the sake of their interpersonal relationship. The baby took one look at the bright pink skin and luminous antennae, and erupted into a delighted fit of laughter. Everyone around grinned fondly, but Kadew’s pink skin shifted to a pale green.
Human-Tom cast a concerned glance to his crew mate. “You don’t look so good mate, what’s up?”
Kadew could barely bring himself to speak, but through no small amount of effort, he choked out, “someone appears to have removed your childs teeth, who would torture an infant?”
Kadew nearly fainted as Human-Tom started laughing.
He placed a comforting hand on Kadew’s shoulder hinge. “Jon is fine. There was no torture, he just hasn’t grown his baby teeth yet.”
Kadew blinked twice. “Baby…teeth?”
Human-Tom nodded easily. “Yeah, he’s just started teething.” Kadew offered only a blank stare in repsonse. Human-Tom ran a hand along the back of his neck. “Ok, well, humans are born with teeth. They first form when we’re babies, then when we’re prepubsescent they fall out and a re replaced with a permanent set.”
Kadew squealed in alarm. “Your teeth fall out??”
Another easy nod, as if it was the natural thing in the univrse. “For sure, we– hold on, Kelly just lost one, she’ll show you.”
Human-Tom’s daughter came at her fathers call, watching Kadew curiously. Human-Tom gestured her forward. “Wanna show him your gap?” Kadew’s skin pulsed blue in fear as the young female opened her mouth. A set of normal, gleaming white teeth occupied her mouth, just as others of her species and–
Kadew screeched at the gaping black hole where her two front teeth should have been, the gum bright red and inflammed.
Human-Kelly grinned. “I got six bucks from the tooth fairy for ‘em!” Her words were shapeless, her consonants drawn out and lispy.
“Tooth fairy?” Kadew was almost afraid to ask.
Human-kelly grinned again, clearly enjoying this. “The tiny winged being that gives us money for teeth while we sleep.”
Buck: Alright, guys! Welcome to Canada! Valkyrie: Ooh! Canada, huh? Buck: This is the street I grew up on. Blackbeard: Where are the houses??? Buck: See that white house down there? That one was mine. Blackbeard: No, I don’t. I just see a lot of snow. Buck: SHUT UP!