I forgot the fair was in my hometown this week. Lemme just say that in a town filled with redneck conservatives, I - the lone earth mother hippie liberal with a half-shaved head of blue hair, a face full of metal, and two babies strapped to me in homemade, tie dyed carriers - stood out like crazy. I got lots of stares, which was NOT helped by my mom being like, “LOOK EVERYONE MY PRODIGAL DAUGHTER HAS RETURNED WITH MY LEGITIMATE GRANDCHILDREN. LOL SHE’S MARRIED AND DEFINITELY NOT A LIBERAL!!!! SHE ISN’T TRIGGERED AT ALL BY ALL OF YOU WHO CALLED HER SUCH HORRIBLE THINGS ACTING LIKE YOU GUYS ARE BFFS!!!”
Not that she actually said any of that, but like… still. Trigger warning here on out y'all. My parents pulled me out of public school for two reasons. One) the refused to move me into the grade I was testing into. I was not challenged at all, and in 7th grade I was testing into 12th grade. They wouldn’t even move me to 8th grade. Two) mom walked in on me attempting suicide. Basically what happened was that in 3rd grade I tested into the gifted class with the highest IQ my school system had ever had, and the most popular girl in my class of 20 failed for the 6th time to score a high enough IQ to get into gifted. As soon I went to my first day of gifted (we had one day a week that we went to the high school for gifted classes all day) no one would talk to me anymore. And when they finally DID start talking to me, it was to call me awful things.
It got to the point that the kids in my brother’s class were saying bad things to him about me, which he then repeated to me. In 7th grade the last “friend” I had left told me I was “too fat and nerdy” to hang around her, and to just kill myself already. And that started to be the cry of literally everyone in my class. So I tried 14 times before I turned 18, and 14 times either my mom or my brother walked in, or my now husband called. And I still struggled very deeply with self-harm and eating disorders because of the bullying.
But as I was walking around the Fall Festival for the first time in 5 years, all of these people who were horrible to me were coming up and talking to me like the last thing they’d said to me HADN’T been that I should just die. So that was awesome. I feel great. I’m not at all emotionally drained and conflicted. Like, am I a bad person for how much this still bothers me? Should I have moved on from all of this at some point in the last 11 years and forgiven them all? I know none of them MADE me attempt suicide all those times, or cut, or starve myself, but I never would have done any of those things if they hadn’t all said I should kill myself, and while I understand that they’re completely different people than the 12-14 year olds they were then, and while they were all exceptionally nice to me, it was still like… you have no clue how negatively your actions impacted my life.
welp. this is it, guys. the end of summer. it’s been super amazing, i’ve gotten a lot of rest, and have gotten the wonderful opportunity to write more with you guys. but, classes start back up for me on september 8th —- which means i won’t be on here much at all. classes aside, i’m also going to be focusing on my own responsibilities for my career ( interior design, fine arts ), and will be setting a strict schedule for myself to draw / paint once classes are done everyday. not to mention extensive amounts of homework and the like.
so, basically, this means that i will only be on natasha for 6 hours in a day maximum. even then, activity will be spotty. i’m setting myself a curfew of 9pm pacific time.
if you’d like to reach me off of tumblr, feel free to hmu on skype ( nonitase ). if you’re in the USA, are already a friend of mine on skype, and would like my mobile, just ask !!
love you guys, and have a wonderful rest of your year ! - jean
P.S. i’d like to thank every single one of you for helping me reach 3.5k! it’s been an incredible journey, and i’m so glad that i have had you guys with me along the way. <3
“Lo-fi band Hinds is bringing laidback Cali vibes to Madrid with its playful, garage pop tunes. The Spanish four-piece - consisting of guitarists Carlotta Cosials and Ana Gracia Perrote, bassist Ade Martin, and drummer Amber Grimbergen - has released a number of energetic and contagiously happy singles over the past two years. Considering the band hasn’t released a complete album yet - although there’s rumored to be one dropping late October - Hinds has received a lot of buzz for their giddy singles “Bamboo” and “Chili Town.” Even gap-toothed rocker Mac Demarco is a fan of the girls’ no-shits-given attitude and beachy vibes.”
So due to all the prom post I had to look back at my prom pictures. At first I was so jealous all my friends had dates and I didn’t. I had always dreamed about prom and having the perfect dress and the perfect date but as prom time got closer and closer I realized that the only girls getting asked ether already was dating that person or was “easy” you know for after prom activities. I asked a boy and he gave me a “I’m not sure if I’m going yet” anyways I decided to go regardless if I had a date or not. Let’s just say even though I went alone I fucking slayed and made a certain someone regret his choice to lie to me say he didn’t know if he was going and go with someone else.
Because I never like to see him sad, or breaking out into an existential crisis because he is a literal sunshine and he deserves the world and he deserves to be happy because goddammit he makes every single one of us happy and
I don’t know, I just want him to feel better and I know I won’t help much by just saying this stuff but
I love you Dan. You’re my world and you’re one of the YouTubers that never fails to make me smile.