simon the magician

simon and tHE MAGE!!!!!!!!!!1!

How the American Political Establishment Views Christianity

Republicans are Simon the Magician: blinded with ambition, they think they can buy the power and authority of the Church with their money (Acts 8:18-24).

Democrats are Judas Iscariot: sinister traitors who claim they can care for the poor better than the Church, all-the-while being liars and thieves who want the money for themselves (John 12:4-8).

birthdays in Carry On

Let’s talk Carry On.

Let’s talk birthdays.

So we know that Simon’s is the summer solstice in 1997. So, June 21st. (Did I look this up specifically for the year? Ahem. Shh.)

But Baz’s? Penelope’s? Agatha’s?

If the cutoff for starting school is “birthday before September first” (and assuming that none of them started school a year early or late) then that means they would have been born between September 1996 and August 1997.

PENELOPE
Penelope is younger than Simon – she says her mom was pregnant with her when the first dead spot appeared (ch 46, p 251) – so her birthday is some time between June and September of 1997. And she says she was 11 when Simon first went off. (“Most magicians can remember exactly where they were that day. (I can’t. But I was only 11.)” ch 23, p 131) Which was in August of 2008. 

So her birthday is sometime between June 21st and the middle or end of August, in 1997.  

BAZ
He was five when the Watford tragedy happened, on August 12, 2002. So he was born sometimes before August 12th, 1997. (Probably, I would guess, not in the week or two before, or he might have said something like, it was just after my birthday. Seems like something a five year old might remember.)

So – sometime between September 1996 and August 12th 1997.

Also, it seems logical that if Baz’s birthday were at the beginning of school/pre-Christmas (especially while he was missing) that Simon would’ve mentioned it. (In fact, I would venture that it is CERTAIN, Mr. I-mention-Baz-literally-773-times, thank you @thepessimisticasshole for your work collating those numbers. Though I suppose it’s possible that Simon just isn’t very good with dates.)

So I’m guessing sometime between late December/January and August 1st/12th, 1997.

AGATHA
For Agatha we don’t know anything more specific, I don’t think, than “between September 1st 1996 and August 31st 1997.” (Again, unless she started school a year early, or a year late, for some reason.)

But the same goes for Agatha – surely if her birthday were between September 1st and Christmas, we would’ve heard SOMETHING about it, because it would’ve happened during the story. So, I’ll guess sometime between January and August 1997. (Then again, maybe it did happen between Sept-Dec, and no one paid any attention. There’s a fic for you.)

If I’m missing any text references, fellow Snowflakes, please please tell me!

And @rainbowrowell – can you tell us? What are Baz, Penelope, and Agatha’s birthdays? 

fifth year
  • simon: I think Baz is planning something.
  • penny: that's what you always say.
  • simon: no but this time it's definite. he's been staring at me all the time, especially when I sleep.
  • penny: ...
  • simon: penny he's trying to exploit my weaknesses. he's trying to study me so he knows the best way to break me.
  • penny: simon -
  • simon: I know what I should do! I'll beat him at his own game - when he sleeps I'll thoroughly study him and then I'll be able to predict his every move. he won't know what hit him.
  • penny: *sighs*
delirium

Prince Simon Snow has been struck down by an inevitable curse, only reversible through true love’s kiss. But when his betrothed, Agatha, is unable to break the spell, all measures are taken- including calling in renowned magician Basilton Pitch.


Basilton arrives at the castle.


one two three four


The outfit they’d stuffed him in was itchy and uncomfortable, and it was far too short in the trousers, so he kept feeling like he needed to pull the ankles down. He knew he looked good, though, posh even, which was both a happy memory and a terrifying flashback. He hadn’t worn clothes this nice since the fire. He looked so nice, in fact, that when the king came out to see him, he’d had to introduce himself (humbly, of course. King Davy had been known to be quite cruel at times). Davy had been looking for a peasant, and what he found looked like something entirely different.

“Basilton Pitch, your highness,” he bowed before the king, his dark hair spilling over his forehead. He tried to hide the tremor in his hands.

“I’ve heard, Mr. Pitch, that you’re a fantastic magician and doctor. Renowned, even. Is that true?” Davy’s words held a biting edge, and Baz hesitated before answering.

“That’s what people say, your grace.”

“And are you skilled in dealing with curses?”

“Depends on the type of curse, I suppose.” Baz bit at the inside of his cheek, a nervous habit.

“Sleeping curses?” The king was fully glaring at him now. Baz felt like he was trembling in his boots, but he held his ground as best he could.

“Yes, your highness, those are quite common, especially in-” he stopped in his tracks. “You mean to say that the rumors are true? About Prince Simon?”

The king’s stare intensified. His eyes were ice-blue, and they looked mean. Baz felt sorry for his servants. “Show him to the prince’s room,” he motioned to one of the attendees, who took Baz by the arm and began to lead him out. “And Mr. Pitch?” Baz looked back over his shoulder at the king.

“Yes, your majesty?”

“I’ve heard other things about you, as well, and about your romantic escapades. My son isn’t… like you. If you try anything with him, the outcome won’t be pretty.”

Humiliation colored Baz’s cheeks a deep rose. He nodded and turned back to the attendant, shuffling out of the room as quickly as possible.

-

For all intents and purposes, the prince could have been dead. Though when he’d first fallen asleep, he had looked bright and youthful like always, now the color was beginning to drain from his cheeks, and his usually golden skin had a pallor that suggested a far worse sickness lying beneath the surface. The first thing Baz did was check for a pulse, which to his relief, he found quickly. His heart was beating steadily and strong, and now that he looked closer, Baz could see the faint movement of breath under the heavy quilts.

He reached his hand to Prince Simon’s forehead to check for a fever, but he was actually quite cold, his face covered in clammy sweat. His curls were limp and his pink mouth seemed too brightly colored for the rest of him. “He seems to be in good health,” Baz said to the servant. “But he’s too thin, and he’s dehydrated. He needs to eat and drink. It would probably be easiest to sit him up and see if he’ll swallow things when we put them in his mouth.” The servant scrambled to help Baz prop the prince against the backboard. His head lolled to the side. “Go get some water, at least,” Baz told the servant, who rushed off eagerly.

There was no doubt that all the stories about the prince were true. Even in his death-like sleep, he was one of the most beautiful boys Baz had ever seen. His hair was made of messy bronze curls that reflected light like precious metals. His skin was smooth and creamy, dotted with freckles and dark moles. He was tall and broad shouldered and had round, full lips that were parted slightly to reveal obnoxiously straight teeth. Baz resisted the urge to reach out and tuck his unkempt curls behind one ear. It was easy to imagine a lazy smile playing along those lips, and bright eyes (he’d heard they were blue) dancing with mirth.

Breathless, the servant ran in with a pitcher of water. Baz carefully tipped the prince’s head back and poured a bit of water into his mouth. A bit dribbled down his cheek, but when Baz shut his mouth for him, he swallowed. Baz breathed a sigh of relief- he could drink, at least, which was a good sign. As long as he wasn’t asleep for too long, he should be fine. “I’ll need to know the details of the curse, of course,” Baz said to the servant after a quarter of the pitcher was gone. The servant looked uneasy.

“I’m not sure it’s really my place,” he wheedled.

“Look at me,” Baz said quietly, drawing himself up to his full height. The servant glanced up at him in fear. “If there’s any hope of me saving the prince, I’m going to be made aware of every detail, no matter how small, pointless, or secretive. Unless, of course, you’d rather he dies. In which case, I can leave right now.”

“N-no, no, I’ll go inform the king.”

-

Baz sat, tense and uncomfortable, at the long mahogany table. It wasn’t quite large enough to be used as a dining table, and it was too low to the ground for his long legs to fit underneath without being cramped. He drummed his fingers restlessly on the wood, waiting for the king to arrive.

The room was obviously used for meetings. It was sparsely furnished, with only a few tapestries hanging on the walls, clean and simplistic. In the corner was an easel-type stand with a pad of parchment paper on it and an inkwell in a small stand beside it, presumably for note-taking. There were no windows (privacy and all), but an oil lamp hung on the wall, emitting an incense-like smell and giving the room an eerie glow.

The door swung open and the king entered, looking harsh and untouchable as always. “You requested to see me?” He asked, gesturing to his servants to leave. Making sure the door was shut tight, he sat down across from Baz.

“Yes, your highness. I thought you would be the most appropriate person to talk to about the details of the case with the prince.”

“And what details will you be needing?” A slight edge gathered in King Davy’s voice. Unease, Baz wondered? Or simply hesitation?


“Everything possible, your majesty,” Baz replied in a firm tone. “Whatever ails Prince Simon, it’s not to be taken lightly.”

King Davy sighed heavily. “Very well. But just know, Mr. Pitch, that there are dire consequences if any of this is to leak to the public. I can make your death look like an unfortunate accident.” A shiver ran down Baz’s spine.

-

“You killed her! You bastard!” Davy struck the old wizard across the face, his wrinkled skin swelling up and purpling on contact. His teeth were bared, his breathing heavy. “I’ll kill you, I swear to Merlin I’ll have you killed!”

“If you’ll simply wait-” the wizard began, but the his words were drowned with another blow from the fuming king.

“Do you know who I am? Do you know how easily I can ruin your insignificant life? Bring her back this very instant, or I’ll-”

“Your highness, if you’ll just listen-”

“I won’t listen to a word that comes from that grimy mouth of yours, you pathetic old numpty!” Davy spat. He swung once more, but the old wizard caught his wrist with incredible agility. Shock ran across Davy’s face and was replaced instantaneously with fear as the old wizard opened his mouth and began to speak. His voice was clearly thick with magic, and his eyes blazed with a thousand-year-old fire that struck Davy to the core.

Listen here, and listen well,“ the wizard began, tightening his grip on Davy’s forearm.
Not even royalty can escape my spell
Your cruelty and rage has sparked my own
And through these words my revenge is won
A lovely wife you now will lose
Whom you would have had with a moment’s pause
A beautiful son is yours to keep
Until a spindle puts him to sleep
On the sixteenth day of his sixteenth year
A death-like sleep, his greatest fear
Will come to be, and then you’ll see
The true meaning of misery
His light will be forever missed
Unless he’s awakened by true love’s kiss.”

The wizard’s grip on Davy’s arm slackened, and then he was gone.



In case you haven’t noticed, there is still magic in this world, but it’s a little bit different then in Carry On (and Simon isn’t a magician). Enjoy! :)


@thecruciblegavemeyou if anyone else would like to be tagged, please let me know)

Since that anon asked me about Christian Witchcraft I’ve been perusing the #Christianity tag (It’s a total mess btw) and all of these Witches are basically defending themselves like “Show me why I can’t practice witchcraft as a Christian”

Like…. show me why you think you can. 

Show me where in Scripture anyone communes with angels, summons demons, cleanses spiritual auras, casts spells, etc. 

The only times I can think of anything like that are the magicians of Pharaoh’s court, the witch of Endor, Elymas the sorcerer, Simon the Magician, etc.

  • The story doesn’t end well for the magicians in Pharoh’s court… Not only are they unable to replicate the things of God… they eventually all die.
  • When Saul dies, the Bible says that he died because he consulted with the Witch of Endor, amongst other reasons.
  • Paul has this to say about Elymas “You son of the devil, you enemy of all righteousness, full of all deceit and villainy, will you not stop making crooked the straight paths of the Lord?” 
  • When Simon the magician tries to pay the apostles to receive the power of the Spirit, Peter says this to him… “May your silver perish with you, because you thought you could obtain the gift of God with money! You have neither part nor lot in this matter, for your heart is not right before God.” 

Add that with the hundreds of passages condemning witchcraft, sorcery, necromancy, mediums, magic, etc. There is not much to suggest that Christianity and witchcraft can have much to do with each other. 

They should all do as the residents of Ephesus did in Acts 19…

“Many of those who had believed kept coming, confessing and disclosing their practices. And many of those who practiced magic brought their books together and began burning them in the sight of everyone; and they counted up the price of them and found it fifty thousand pieces of silver. So the word of the Lord was growing mightily and prevailing.” - Acts 19:18-20

Things That Should be Rendered into Anime Battles: Simon the Magician vs the Apostle Peter

“The Apostle Peter goes to Rome and challenges Simon to a magical contest. Simon conjures up huge dogs that rush towards Peter, but he makes them vanish by holding out a loaf of holy bread. Simon then levitates himself, and flies out of the window; but St. Peter falls on his knees and brings him down with a well-aimed prayer. Simon dies of two broken legs and Peter is thrown into prison by Nero.”

- Colin Wilson

List of Characters We Need
  • Animan
  • Darkblade
  • Gamer
  • Rogercop
  • Kungfood
  • Stoneheart
  • Vincent Aza (Paparazzi)
  • Simon Grimault (Magician)
  • Armand D'Argencourt (Fencing Teacher)
  • Fred Haprèle (Mylene’s Dad)
  • Alec Cataldi (Host)
  • Guy Behind Bri
  • Jean Duparc
  • Mercury
  • Peacock Kwami


~Baebug