simon the ball python

some random modern + everything’s fine au headcanons, mostly about Simon but also others
  • Simon has a pet ball python named Leila
    • Roger really, really likes Leila
    • like ya know those old people on facebook who comment on the Old Friends Senior Dog Sanctuary? that’s him with Leila.
    • when he stops over at Simon’s house with Jack and Maurice he frequently asks if it’s time to feed her
    • feeding Leila is, like, an event with these guys bc they gotta satiate that repressed blood-lust somewhere if they don’t end up stranded on an island
  • Simon lives with his mom and dad but his dad’s not around a whole lot. it’s not like a neglect sort of thing he’s just very busy at his job.
    • none of the other kids know what Simon’s dad does for a living. there’s a ton of wild rumors and Simon likes to fuel them by giving everyone a different, outlandish answer whenever they ask.
    • his mom runs a side business from home online selling metal crafts and sculptures.
  • Roger doesn’t have pets…… anymore. he used to get goldfish when he was younger but he had a nasty habit of shaking the little baggy til it died so he’s not allowed to have pets ever.
  • Jack is allergic to chocolate.******
    • when Piggy hears about this it’s pretty much only the point in his life where he feels bad for Jack Merridew.
  • Jack is the middle child in his family.******
  • this is really sappy okay but Piggy helps his auntie make candy and when he helps make a unique confectionery he gets to name it (think “Lulu’s Pie Song” from the musical Waitress)******
    • Piggy will frequently divulge into random trivia about candy-making and candy in general that he learns from his auntie.******
    • his auntie is a busy single lady who’s so protective over him (because of what happened to his parents and his general poor health) that she doesn’t trust anyone to watch him so he spends most of his free time with her at the store instead of home alone.******
  • Piggy and his auntie get their nails done every other month or so as an auntie-nephew bonding experience.
    • his favorite is this one that looks like a sparkling galaxy
    • one day he shows Ralph and he’s like “ew Piggy that’s girly” and Piggy just. goes off on him.
    • Simon’s more open-minded than Ralph obviously and he asks to come because he’s genuinely interested and Ralph doesn’t like to be left out of things so he comes kinda begrudgingly
    • “OH GOD PIGGY WHY IS SHE RIPPING OFF MY SKIN???” “Relax she’s just pushing back your cuticles.” “PIGGY I’M LITERALLY BLEEDING WHY WOULD ANYONE DO THIS” “Pain is beauty, Ralph. Not everyone can be born pretty like you, Ralph. This is our blood sacrifice.”
    • Ralph realizes after it’s over that it’s actually pretty cute and maybe he might do it again. maybe.

god this post got out of hand and i kinda don’t wanna post it but whatever

****** these ones I also kinda headcanon in the main canon as well but they’re all kinda silly and don’t really matter in any way