simon nash

E-Mail to Simon

To: Simon West

From: Sarah Nash

RE: I’m an asshole. 

Simon -

I’m pretty sure you’re never going to forgive me for what I did, but I thought you should know… I feel bad about what I did to Elijah. I thought I was defending myself, but now that I think about it, it seems like what I did was more thuggish and cowardly, and that’s not what I want to be. If I could take it back, I would. I wish I had punched him in the face and ended it there. You probably think even that would be wrong, but that’s who I am and that’s where I stand. Nobody calls me a cunt and gets away without being hit - not a slave, not a master, not the goddamn headmaster. 

There’s a lot that you don’t understand. Things I don’t like to talk about, that make me who I am. You think because I’m rich I’ve always had it easy. But I didn’t. My dad always put me places where people thought girls didn’t belong, and it was up to me to fight to be there. When I went away to school, I was the first girl they ever let in, they knew my parents could drain their endowment with lawsuits if they needed to. But that didn’t mean I was welcomed. People said things and did things to try to get me to run home crying. My dad wouldn’t allow that. So I did what I had to do to get them to respect me. I threw punches at anyone who talked shit to me. I became the bigger bully. And that’s why they sent me at eleven, so that’s who I would grow up to be. Now, I get that maybe this isn’t the right way to solve problems and that Elijah was not those guys at military school. But when he said that to me, that’s all I could see. It’s not an excuse, but it’s an explanation. 

You can hate me if you want. I get it. But I wanted you to know, this was’t the person I set out to be. I’m still trying to figure out who that person is anyway. 

Anyway, if there’s anything Elijah needs, let me know. I thought of asking him but I’m pretty sure that would just make things worse. And I can’t figure out what you send to someone you beat up. A gift basket of vicodin and percoset? I mean, that’s exactly what I would do but sometimes I am what my mother likes to call “wildly inappropriate at the worst moments.” Otherwise, response is not necessary of course. 

- Sarah