silmarills

so on the subject of stolen property, i’ve seen various arguments on this point but it is in fact true that inheriting something from a relative, when you know full well that it was stolen, does not make it yours.

this clearly goes doubly so for powerful magical artifacts, and especially for artifacts which are strongly implied to contain part of their creator’s soul!

you can talk about consequences - maybe the artifact in question has benefits for you, maybe you’re not convinced its rightful owners would use it responsibly - but talking about the consequences doesn’t erase the fact that whatever benefits you think you’re getting are achieved through wrongful means.

which is why i, too, think Frodo should have given the One Ring back to Sauron. thief.

Okay so Tolkien’s universe has Magical Objects, yes?

The Palantirs, Feanorian Lights, Silmarils, the Lamps, the Trees, the dragon helm, Beleg’s bow, Turin’s sword, the elfstone/elessar….ect. With cool functions like health-preserving.

These is cool af but my guess is they are NOT EASILY MADE or made on the first try. So there must be worse, trial attempts at Magic Objects. And just really lackluster ones. 

So, I propose:

  • Seashell that slightly amplifies your ability to hear crabs scratching things
  • Goblet that was intended to be poison detecting, but was not successful and instead just makes a high pitched hiss whenever it contains anything but pure water
  • Jacket that’s basically a normal jacket but keeps you a little bit warmer than the fabric usually would
  • Ankle bracelet that was supposed to protect against breaks but instead just freezes up your joint for a few minutes at any random time
  • Shirt that does not need a hot iron to get the wrinkles out, but can rather function perfectly fine with a lukewarm iron
  • Circular glass that, when looked through, makes red objects appear more pink but otherwise changes nothing
  • Hairbrush that was supposed to sing but instead just makes a low moan noise once a day
  • Cloak that makes the wearer 1% less likely to encounter a bee swarm
  • Blanket that keeps dog hair from sticking to it, if and only if the hair comes from a dog whose 4 grandparents were all born under a full moon
  • Ear ring that was supposed to tingle when someone in another room says your name, but instead just vibrates slightly in response to loud noises
  • Paint that does not stain fabric, but only works when the fabric itself is inside someones mouth

Just. Shitty half-rank magical elf objects.

  • My English Professor: What's your favorite book?
  • Me: The Silmarillion
  • English Professor: That's not a book, that's just a collection of Tolkien's thoughts and ideas
  • Me: Then why is it in book form
  • Me: You want to fucking fight