silmarillion parody

VICTIM MISTOOK JEWEL THIEF FOR A STRIPPER

Local property owner Morgoth Bauglir, formerly Melkor of the Ainur, claims that he didn’t have any suspicions about an unnamed woman who bypassed the security systems of his dark fortress and got all the way to his living room before attracting attention. 

“Look, I thought she was a stripper,” Bauglir claimed. “She danced really pretty, and she did this thing with her hair in front of her face, and she even sang – no of ******* course I don’t remember what it was about, do I look like I keep track of those kinds of things? Why are you even still here? Why is no one looking for my Silmaril?”

Primary suspect Luthien Tinuviel and an unnamed accomplice, a mortal man tentatively identified as trespasser and would-be kidnapper Beren Camlost, escaped Bauglir’s home with a jewel rumored to be worth the loyalty of four Fëanorians. Camlost allegedly slept through the heist, though Tinuviel woke him in time to make their escape. 

Further damages were incurred to Bauglir’s face and his prized guard-dog Carcharoth, last seen fleeing the scene with a bloody mouth. Tinuviel is also suspected of arson at Tol-in-Gaurhoth earlier this month. 

Bauglir’s lieutenant, the groundskeeper of Tol-in-Gaurhoth, could not be reached for comment.

Anybody up for rewriting “Master of the House” with an Angband theme?

Maedhros: “Master of the House”? What a piece of shit! Murderer and burglar and a giant git.
Maeglin: Cunning little schemes…
Hurin: Nailed me to a chair!
Sauron: Thinks he’s quite a lover but there’s not much there!

LOCAL WOMAN RECEIVES MOST EXTREME DATING DEMAND EVER, AND IT’S NOT EVEN FROM HER BOYFRIEND

A local woman has been forbidden from dating unless her provisional boyfriend steals a priceless artefact from the most high-security location in Northern Beleriand, according to anonymous sources named Daeron this past Tuesday.

“Is the stupid Silmaril that great? Nope. Is it even my dad’s? Nope,” said Lúthien Tinúviel, a half-angel, half-elf princess. “But is he demanding that Beren [Camlost] get it anyway? Yup.”  

Tinúviel has been seeing Camlost in secret from the first day of spring, according to local musician Daeron, who also voices reasonable doubts about the match.

“The King’s demands may seem extreme, but unfortunately, extreme measures are the only way to get through that Man’s thick head,” said Daeron, who claims to be Tinúviel’s ex. “I think it’s the only way we’ll get things back to the way they should be around here.”  

Tinúviel’s father, Elu Thingol, had Camlost arrested Tuesday for trespassing in his Teleri- and Maia-only kingdom, but Tinúviel forestalled a formal trial by snatching Camlost away from his guards and walking him right into her parents’ room. Thingol’s demands to know who the Man was and what he was doing in Menegroth were apparently met with Tinuviel’s “he’s that pain in Morgoth’s ass you keep talking about congratulating” and Camlost’s slightly more formal “it was true love that brought me here.”

Allegedly, it was the phrase “true love” that ignited Thingol’s rage, not “Morgoth’s ass.”

Thingol, best known for the centuries-long disappearance in which he was the sketchy boyfriend, eventually admitted that Camlost’s inheritance, a green snake ring from Finrod Felagund’s Hot Topic phase, was inconveniently legitimate. An impossible quest seemed like the ideal solution after hours spent brandishing sovereign immunity with no effect.

“That’s how little you value your daughter? Whoah, I’m doing us both a favor,” Camlost is rumored to have said before being chased out of Menegroth by angry trees. “We’ll meet again, your majesty.”

In order to stand any chance at dating his One True Love™ and maybe getting started on some one-quarter-angel, one-quarter-elf, and two-quarters Atani children, Camlost is now bound to recover a Silmaril from the crown of Morgoth. (For any readers who have been living in an isolated forest kingdom for the last several thousand years, Morgoth is the rogue god currently terrorizing Northern Beleriand in hopes of consuming all Beleriand.)

Tinúviel has since been confined to her childhood treehouse until the matter is settled. Her guards report that she has been combing her hair excessively, but is otherwise quiet.

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It’s been a while since I published one of these, but my sense of responsibility urged me to gift the fandom with some more crappy sketches and bad jokes, so enjoy your comeback to the world of the FINWIONS, now with additional side characters because I don’t have enough time to color the Nolofinwions’ portrait.

P.S.: Matt Groening please don’t sue me I don’t have enough money.

The most watched TV series in Beleriand

a.k.a. a friend of mine misspelled “the Addams family” and instead said “the Angband family” and I HAD TO DO THIS.

With the appearence of:

Melkor as Gomez,

Sauron as Morticia, 

Thuringwethil as Wednsday,

Gothmog as Pugsley

and Carcharoth as Cousin Itt.

Special guest: Maedhros’ severed hand as Thing.

There’s a special circle of hell waiting for me because of this, isn’t it?