signing shit

the signs as fake quotes my weird cousin has attributed to famous authors

aries: as oscar Wilde once famously said, ‘fuck men’

taurus: i believe it was percy shelley who wrote ‘why cry over spilled milk when instead u could cry over everything

gemini: you can lead a horse to water, but u can’t make the horse drink that fucking water if it wants vodka instead. sun tzu said that.

cancer: y’know, steinbeck once screamed ‘death to capitalism’ while setting himself on fire, and i couldn’t agree more.

leo: i was trying to think of a hemingway quote, but thankfully i just remembered that i don’t give a shit about hemingway

virgo: Flintstone vitamins are for losers. William shakespeare.

libra: did you know that that nicki minaj took the lyrics “i beez in the trap” straight from jane austen’s iconic 1813 novel pride and Prejudice?

scorpio: maya angelou actually invented the acronym NSFW, did u know that? 'Not Safe From Whites’. they’re coming

sagittarius: the most inspirational thing walt whitman ever said was ‘dance like nobody’s watching’ that man was a poet

capricorn: ‘be there or be…gay! lol jk don’t be gay’ ~ the bible, chapter 5 verse 17

aquarius: honey, as Faulkner said once, ‘eat shit mark twain’. words to live by

pisces: nietzsche once said that dante was a ‘hyena that wrote poetry on tombs’ and i’m not making that shit up because nothing is funnier than that

The signs as WTNV proverbs

Aries: “There’s a difference between your, you’re, and yarn. Yarn isn’t even pronounced the same way. It’s a completely different word.”

Taurus: “Knock, knock. Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say your mother’s in the hospital? I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Is there anything I can do? Listen, I’ll drive you over there. We’ll leave right now. Grab a coat, it’s a little cold out. I’m so sorry.”

Cancer: “You won’t sleep when you’re dead, either.”

Leo: “At your smallest components, you are indistinguishable from a forest fire.”

Virgo: “You can’t get blood from a turnip. Listen you need some blood? I can totally get you some blood. Set that turnip down and follow me to the blood. There’s a lot of blood.”

Sagittarius: “Ignore all the haters telling you that everything isn’t a sandwich. Everything is a sandwich.”

Aquarius: “Feeling lost? Like you have no goal in life? Like you’re covered in dirt and wet leaves? Like you’re an earthworm? Are you an earthworm? Kinda sounds like you’re an earthworm, actually.“

Capricorn: “Soccer is also commonly known as football, Canadian baseball, American football, violent jogging, and World War II.”

Gemini: “Everything that happens, happens for a reason. Except ostriches. What the hell, man?

Libra:  “Please keep all arms and legs inside the car at all times. Also, you are under arrest. Why is your car full of limbs? Whose are these?”

Pisces:  “Listen, I’m not a hero. The real heroes are the people that point out to us when protesters have smart phones, thus invalidating all concerns.”

Scorpio: “Thank you for your interest in a life free of pain. We are not accepting applications at this time. Please try again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again, and again…”

venus- how you effortlessly/unconsciously attract others

aries: with your inner fire and honesty

taurus: with your beauty and inner peace

gemini: with your words/intelligence/voice

cancer: with your caring nature

leo: with your confidence and desire to be loved

virgo: with your cute nervousness and humility

libra: with your charming smile and fair mind

scorpio: with your mystery and intense presence

sagittarius: with your laughter and zest for life

capricorn: with your aloof, unattainable, intimidating vibe                          

aquarius: with your eccentricity and popularity

pisces: with your compassion and vulnerability

mars- what you do when someone attracts you

aries: pursue them fearlessly

taurus: get to know them slowly

gemini: seduce them with your words

cancer: show them you care

leo: make them feel special/shine the spotlight on them

virgo: do little things to be of service to them

libra: charm the pants off of them

scorpio: make them want you

sagittarius: make them laugh

capricorn: plan your future together

aquarius: befriend them

pisces: make them a part of your fantasies 

the signs as shit my english teacher has said

aries: if you start you essay with “In the book The Great Gatsby…” im gonna throw you out that window 

taurus: elvish looks nothing like that

gemini: when we get back, you’re playing the trumpet or I’m failing you

cancer: oh I forget this class doesn’t get irony

leo: I’m definitely lawful good, c’mon, have you met me?

virgo: you guys know what raisins are right?

libra: *uses the word ‘artifice’ 13 times in 3 sentences* 

scorpio: “Jesus Christ” Just Jonathan will do, thanks

sagittarius: I wonder if [Ryan Ross]’s an asshole

capricorn: I respect any song that has heavy breathing as a bass line

aquarius: I fucking hate sublime, like we get it. you smoked weed once and it was cool

pisces: Hamlet’s long, but he’s worth it

The signs as my students

Aries: The girl who answered the question “what’s something that’s magnetic?” with “Beyonce” 

Taurus: The boy who ran around at recess screaming “I LIVE TO DIE”

Gemini: The kid who thought snapchat face filters were just some cool game and was always asking if he could ‘play snapchat’

Cancer: The student who looked me straight in the eyes and said “I can see things other people can’t” and then went right back to drawing velociraptors.

Leo: The girl who wrote a full-page story about a woman who fell in love with a giant ear of corn. The best line of the story being “The corn was always there for her.”

Virgo: The kid who would call me over to fill me in on the latest third grade gossip every morning

Libra: The student who dramatically sat down across from me after school and said, “Miss we need to talk business” when asked what kind of business replied, “Chip business”

Scorpio: The student who was not actually in my class at all but was somehow always in the classroom anyway

Sagittarius: The boy who during aftercare somehow snuck out of the school, walked to the 7-11, and then came back with a huge bag of chips

Capricorn: The boy who grabbed my hands one day, started humming tango music, and proceeded to pull me away to dance around the room with him

Aquarius: The kid that called me over in the middle of silent reading time to tell me that moth man did nothing wrong and was just a guy trying his best

Pieces: The little girl who every time she saw me would scream “warning you!” before jumping onto me and expecting me to catch her

The Signs As Times
  • aries: 4 AM // when you're the only one still awake
  • taurus: 12 PM // when the sun shines in exactly the right place
  • gemini: 2 AM // sweaty bodies molding together on the dance floor
  • cancer: 1 AM // when you're visiting memory lane and going through photo albums
  • leo: 10 PM // the feeling when you're take the long way driving home just to sit peacefully and listen to music
  • virgo: 2 PM // when you get to relax for the first time with a good book as rain showers on the roof
  • libra: 5 AM // the sun and moon rising and setting as everyone else is asleep with empty streets
  • scorpio: 3 AM // laying awake in bed with your partner as you laugh, talk, kiss, all night long
  • sagittarius: 7 AM // first waking up in the morning and opening the blinds to the sun shining and wind slightly moving
  • capricorn: 9 PM // slowly falling asleep after a long day while watching an '80s rom-com
  • aquarius: 8 PM // the feeling of sinking down in the bath and closing your eyes as the hot water with bubbles soak into your skin
  • pisces: 6 PM // finally getting home and being able to just flop on your bed/couch
The Signs as Pokemon Sun and Moon Things
  • ARIES: GET IN THE BAG NEBBY
  • TAURUS: m a l a s a d a
  • GEMINI: Kukui just walking in your house after knocking like wtf dude
  • CANCER: Kiawe's fabulous volcano dance challenge
  • LEO: WHERE'S YOUR SHIRT, KUKUI??????? DID SOMEONE STEAL IT????? ARE YOU COLD????,,
  • VIRGO: Professor Burnet
  • LIBRA: U L T R A B E A S T S
  • SCORPIO: IT'S YA BOI
  • SAGITTARIUS: the dragon type exeggutor
  • CAPRICORN: the cryptic references to death the eevee evolution users make after beating them (??????)
  • AQUARIUS: wondertrade
  • PISCES: NO LILLIE DONT GO
The signs as self titled Harry Styles album lyrics

Aries:  She sits beside me like a silhouette, hard candy dripping on me ‘til my feet are wet"

Taurus:  “This thing upon me, howls like a beast. You flower, you feast”

Gemini: “But we’re still young, we don’t know where we’re going but we know where we belong “

Cancer : “I’ve been praying, I never did before, understand I’m talking to the walls”

Leo: “Open up your eyes, shut your mouth and see that I’m still the only one who’s been in love with me”

Virgo: “She’s got a book for every situation, gets into parties without invitations, how could you ever turn her down?”

Libra “Just stop your crying have the time of your life, breaking through the atmosphere”

Scorpio: “ I’m selfish, I know. I told you, but I know you never listen”

Sagittarius: “Tongue-tied like we’ve never known, telling those stories we already told, 'cause we don’t say what we really mean”

Capricorn: “We don’t talk about it, it’s something we don’t do. 'Cause once you go without it, nothing else will do”

Aquarius: “ Why won’t you ever say what you want to say? Even my phone misses your call, by the way”

Pisces: “Taste so sweet, look so real, sounds like something that I used to feel, but I can’t touch what I see”