sicmu

Stories I can’t make up #3; Baptizing the Dough/Cash/Money/Moola/In jesus name.

-customer walks in-

-Senior associate J see’s a certain person about to park in front the store-

J: Oh for fucks sake.

Me:What?

J: This fucking lady man, the church woman. Whatever you do, do not speak she won’t notice you. Let me handle this.

Me: Okay..?

-ChurchLady (CL) walk’s in-

CL: SHALOM SHALOM IS THE OWNER HERE? (Quick backstory, she is black, and from the Caribbean she is not Jewish, but wears a shirt that says I <3 Israel. Proclaims she is Jewish, Russian, German. She is as much of these things as I am a real life epic level dark elf that rolls natural 20s in all things I do.<–Sarcasm )

J: Nah he’s not here (lie he is hiding in the back from her) what can we do for you?

CL: OH I WANTED TO PAY THE BILL ON THIS BLESSED HOLY DAY OF THE FATHER (Being loud is her default voice volume by the way)

J: Alright let’s get that handled -pulls the bill up- total will be $57.00

CL:-pulls out the money before handing it she prays for 10 minutes on the money. mentioning how thanks to the lord this bread is here to feed us the employees and we should be thankful. Mind you she came in 5 minutes after closing.-

Me: -pointing at the watch to J that it’s beyond closing time.-

J: Uhhm…Mam we need to hurry this up…we have to close the store.

CL: AND IN JESUS NAME AMEN!

-before J can take the money out of her hands.-

CL: WHAT DO YOU SAY? :)

J:…Thank you?

CL: NO NO NOT TO ME BUT TO THE ONE WHO PROVIDED IT TO YOU :) -looks up and winks back at J-

J: Thank you Jesus?

CL: THAT WILL DO :)

-transactions complete-

CL: GOODBYE EVERYONE SHALOM SHALOM (once again not Jewish) -leaves-

Me: Did…did I just witness money getting a baptized? Or was I day dreaming and none of that happened?

J: Yea man…get use to her you’ll see her a whole lot more.

-owner finally comes out from the back-

Owner: Is it safe?

Stories I can’t make up (SICMU) #1; The Crack Head/TheStupidGangsta

-Law and Order Intro- “In the cellular phone sales business, the people are aided by two separate yet equally important persons. The Sales Associate (Me) and the Senior Sales Associate(J) who handle all the absurdity and stupidity that come their way. Equal parts salesmen, miracle workers of technology, therapists, and financial advisors. These are their stories.” Also known as the stupid things people say and do when they come to our store.

1. TheCrackHead / TCH

TCH -High Pitched with Accent-: Hello again sir, I wanted to get a phone today, my daddy (not sure either sugar daddy/or father) is coming at the end of the week.

Me:…right so wha-

TCH: Can I purchase your lowest cheapest phone for -pulls out a single cigarette and a couple of coins and hands them to me- this much?

Me: Please. Leave. NOW.

TCH: okay. -leaves quickly not before attempting to take a fake plastic phone stuck to the wall and failing to remove it.-

2. TheStupidGangsta/TSG

TSG: -comes in angry and fuming-

J: What’s up boss?

TSG: Bitch stole 2 stacks ($2000.00) from me my nigga.

Me: Oh that’s unfortunate.

TSG: Stole it from me while she was in the car with me.

J: That sucks man…so do you want to pay your bill

TSG: Nah I came here to tell you if you see her ass call me so I can shoot her in the ass cheek -storms out.-  (we also have no clue who the hell she is, even if we did we wouldn’t say anything, and on top of that this guy actually thinks we know his number by heart, or his name. We still don’t know how you let someone steal 2 thousand dollars from you. In your car. While you are in there.)

That’s all for now/ More to come later.