shut-up-ulquiorra

If Bleach characters played White Elephant...


As requested by…me!


In a White Elephant party, everybody brings an inexpensive, preferably kind of jokey present. People go around the room, and when it’s your turn you can either unwrap a mystery present or steal a present that has already been unwrapped by somebody else. If a person’s gift is stolen, then they get to either unwrap or steal a present themselves. It goes until everybody has an open gift! For this White Elephant game, I have chosen presents that were brought to the White Elephant party I attended (*cough*), and I chose some random Bleach characters to attend! So let’s see how that goes! Order of opening and of presents is totally random!


1. Hanataro chooses to…open a mystery present!

His present: Star Wars shot glasses!

Hanataro: Wow! Tiny glasses with men on them!

Hanataro: Perfect for a guy who doesn’t drink very much!

Lisa: Those are shot glasses.

Hanataro: What?

Lisa: For alcohol.

Hanataro: …well I don’t drink very much of that either.


2. Grimmjow chooses to…unwrap a mystery present!

His present: A rubber, full-head unicorn mask!

Grimmjow: WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

Grimmjow: I AM GOING TO DESTROY IT WITH FIRE

Hitsugaya: No destroying the presents, espada.

Grimmjow: BUT IT’S LOOKING AT ME


3. Shinji chooses to…steal Grimmjow’s unicorn mask!

Shinji: Don’t judge me.

Grimmjow: If you put it on, I will cero your head.

Shinji: Just pick a new present, espada.


4. Grimmjow chooses to…unwrap a mystery present!

His present: a dinosaur mug!

Grimmjow: Oh good. Now I can drink tea in my own glass just like I always dreamed.

Shinji (muffled): Sarcasm isn’t very Christmassy, Grimmjow.

Grimmjow: TAKE OFF THAT FUCKING MASK


5. Hitsugaya chooses to…open a mystery present!

His present: a Santa hat!

Hitsugaya:

Hitsugaya: Awesome.


6. Ulquiorra chooses to…steal Hitusgaya’s Santa hat!

Ulquiorra: Now I am festive.

Hitsugaya:

Hitsugaya: Santa isn’t supposed to be emo.

Ulquiorra: Shut up and respect Emo Santa.


7. Hitsugaya chooses to…open a mystery present!

His present: Fuzzy pink handcuffs!

Hitsugaya:

Hitsugaya:

Hitsugaya: What are these for?

Lisa: [snickering]

Hitsugaya: WHAT


8. Jackie chooses to…steal Grimmjow’s dinosaur mug!

Jackie: Now I can drink coffee in dinosaur style.

Grimmjow: WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP STEALING FROM ME?!


9. Grimmjow chooses to…open a mystery present!

His present: A giant Venom hoodie!

Grimmjow:

Grimmjow: Like I’m gonna cover up my chest.


10. Bazz-B chooses to…open a mystery present!

His present: a frog hat!

Bazz-B:

Bazz-B: I knew I should have stolen something.


11. The Soul King chooses to…steal Ulquiorra’s Santa hat!

Soul King: I’ve always wanted to be Santa.

Ulquiorra: Farewell, Emo Santa.


12. Ulquiorra chooses to…open a mystery present!

His present: A giant, 1200-calorie gummie bear!

Ulquiorra:

Ulquiorra: But why


13. Ishida chooses to…open a mystery present!

His present: A book of poetry!

Ishida: Huh. I would actually read this.

Ishida: I’m great at choosing presents!


14. Yumichika chooses to…open a mystery present!

His present: A flask!

Yumichika:

Yumichika: Well at least I don’t have to shop for Ikkaku anymore.


15. Lisa chooses to…steal Hitsugaya’s fuzzy handcuffs!

Lisa: Obviously.

Hitsugaya: But seriously what are they for?


16. Hitsugaya chooses to…open a mystery present!

His present: A bag of coffee and tea!

Hitsugaya: My strategy of loving to open presents has finally paid off!


17. Yachiru chooses to…steal Ulquiorra’s giant gummy bear!

Yachiru: Only one present left under the tree.

Yachiru: But I can’t imagine it beats giant candy!

Ulquiorra: I love you, tiny soul reaper.


18. Ulquiorra chooses to…steal back the Santa hat!

Ulquiorra: Emo Santa lives.

Soul King: Aw….I wanted Ichigo to sit on my lap….


19. The Soul King chooses to…steal Bazz-B’s frog hat!

Soul King: [sighs]

Soul King: It’s just not the same.

Bazz-B: NO MORE FROG HEAD FOR ME YES


20. Bazz-B chooses to…open the final mystery present!

Bazz-B: So this ends the game?

Bazz-B: Sure hope it’s something good!

Bazz-B: …..a bedazzler?

Bazz-B:

Bazz-B: You should always steal.

Top 15 worst acts done by enemies


As requested by johnyrex19. :)


Originally I thought this was just a “worst acts done in Bleach” list, and it was like 80% Kurotsuchi. Then I realized that the request was specifically for terrible acts done by enemies. So I’m limited to things done by the espada, the traitors, the fullbringers, etc. With that in mind, here are my picks for the top 10 worst things done by enemies!


#15: Ginjo stabbing out Ichgo’s eyes.

Ginjo’s stabbing out of Ichigo’s eyes is pretty darn horrifying, although it only makes #15 for a variety of reasons. Like the fact that it helped Ichigo achieve his fullbring. And Orihime healed him soon after, so the trauma was brief. But still. What a dick move.

Ginjo:

Ginjo: Yeah, if Urahara was the one to do it, I bet everyone would be okay.


#14: Ulquiorra removing Ishida’s hand.

It will soon become clear that acts by enemies make my “worst” list if they are (a) pointless or (b) needlessly cruel. Like, I can’t fault Grimmjow for beating Ichigo up or even Yhwach for killing Yamamoto. It was a battle. But Ulquiorra removing Ishida’s hand? That makes the list. Because Ishida was supremely incapable of hurting Ulquiorra. Ulquiorra was in no danger. He could have just waited for Ishida to run out of arrows while painting his nails. He just took off Ishida’s hand to get him to shut up.

Ulquiorra: So I am being criticized for efficiency?


#13: Gremmy’s “cookie bones” move.

Speaking of “needlessly cruel”…..turning Yachiru’s bones to cookies was a bit over-the-top, cruelty-wise. Especially since Yachiru, for all her spiritual pressure, still (looks like? is?) a kid. And giving her a condition where her bones break if she moves is too much, Gremmy. Too much.

Gremmy: Yachiru loves candy. Maybe I was being kind.


#12: Tsuksihima planting false memories.

Tsukishima would rank much higher if his mind-fucking was permanent. But even if it wore off, it was still horrible. He stripped people of their ties of friends and family, of their rights as a person, and inserted himself into their memories. Then he coerced them into doing things. His sword is like a roofie and that is incredibly creepy.

Tsukishima: Um….Ginjo made me do it?


#11: Ulquiorra trying to mentally break Orihime.

Like, she had agreed to go with him. She was in Hueco Mundo. She was doing her part. So what, exactly, was the point of trying to fill her with despair and sadness? 

Ulquiorra:

Ulquiorra: I was just making conversation.


#10: Szayel eating a fraccion. 

There is something supremely horrible about eating your own employee. Alive. While her friend and/or mate watches. Like, you couldn’t eat one of the single fracciones, Szayel? You just had to go for one member of a PAIR?!

Szayel: It’s not like I wouldn’t have made a new one.


#9: Grimmjow ripping out Rukia’s stomach.

I get that Grimmjow and Rukia were both combatants, and normally I wouldn’t count injuries sustained in battle for this sort of list. But come on. Rukia wasn’t fighting yet. Grimmjow didn’t even really want to fight her. He was just ripping out her stomach to get a rise out of Ichigo. That’s horrible. Especially since Ichigo will fight literally anyone.

Ichigo: It’s true.

Grimmjow: Yeah, but I bet my way’s faster.


#8: Loly beating up Orihime.

And here we reach the “totally pointless cruelty” portion of my list. I mean, Orihime had done NOTHING to Loly. They weren’t on a battlefield. Loly wasn’t going to gain anything but mercilessly pounding on a girl who wasn’t even going to fight back. She was just being needlessly and repeatedly cruel.

Loly: Needlessly?! Hello!

Loly: That woman TALKED to Aizen-sama! TALKED TO HIM

Orihime: You might need help.


#7: Aizen stabbing Hinamori.

Pointless, insofar as Hinamori was no threat to Aizen. And killing her would serve no purpose. If Aizen had managed to kill her. Which he didn’t. So all this did was destroy the heart and soul of a woman who was in love. Dick move, Aizen.

Aizen: Break-ups always suck.


#6: Nnoitra attacking Nel from behind.

I could have filled most of this list with Aizen and Nnoitra. But I restrained myself. More or less. Anyway, Nnoitra once got so mad that Nel had the AUDACITY not to fight him that he set her up and then attacked her from behind, smashed her mask, and threw her into the desert. It wasn’t a fair fight. It wasn’t a fight that had a point. It was just Nnoitra being the dick that Nnoitra is.

Nel: Also I was kinda his teammate.

Nnoitra: Yeah, but a WOMAN one!


#5: Aizen’s experiments.

I couldn’t decide which experiment to pick. Aizen hollowfying Shinji and all of his friends? Aizen ripping out pieces of various people’s souls, including Matsumoto? Aizen dissolving the bodies of shinigami? Aizen creating a life-form that could not speak or think just so that it would have fire suppressing abilities? Aizen uses science for evil, is what I’m saying.

Aizen: No, I’m pretty sure science is never evil.


#4: Yammy killing his nurse.

I know this is a small moment, but it ranks really high on the “horribleness” scale for me. Yammy’s arm was carefully sewed on by a hardworking hollow in a nurse’s uniform, and he responded by crushing her skull. Just to “test” his arm.

Yammy: I’m confused.

Yammy: That was bad why?


#3: Nnoitra forcibly removing Pesche’s and Dondochakka’s masks.

Which was like skinning them? Just because he wanted to make Nel mad? Even though he was planning on attacking her from behind like a coward anyway? And it was just really horrible? 

Nnoitra: Sometimes I get the feeling I’m not your favorite.


#2: Gin fucking up Kira.

Oh my goodness. This list is making me so depressed. Do I have to talk about this? Gin fucked Kira up. Longterm psychological damage that turned Kira from a a smiling go-getting to an empty shell of sadness. Don’t know quite what he did. Know it was bad, though.

Gin: Kira smiled with me!

Gin:

Gin: Maybe it was a grimace.


#1: Aizen replacing himself with Hinamori.

Because Aizen did not need to do that. He’s freakin’ immortal. He could defeat the Gotei-13 with one hand tied behind his back. Because Hinamori was already injured and sad and didn’t need to be stabbed by multiple of her friends. It was just a pointless bit of cruelty. And because it meant that Aizen tricked her friends into hurting her, thus saddling them with needless guilt. Because it caused physical and mental pain to a whole group of people for something that didn’t even benefit Aizen at all. Unless he just gets off on being a dick.

Aizen:

Aizen: I didn’t realize that was in question.