Your stomach felt heavy, and not just because you were seven and a half months pregnant, but because you had just asked a question you never even imagined you’d ever in your life ask. What are the procedures for putting a child up for adoption? What would Raymond think of you?But how could you live like this? You were constantly living a life of darkness because your light, Raymond, had been taken from you.
Your senior management at work had been trying to bribe you with money to shut you up over the events which had unfolded; you’d been dragged into non-stop meetings. An accident in the research facility of a local science lab where you worked as an assistant technician, had sent you hurtling through time to 1209AD, landing you in France. The life you had begun making, resulting in you marrying the love of your life and becoming pregnant, had all come to a cataclysmic end when your husband was killed. Then the team you worked alongside had been able to pull you back into your proper time in history.
You stared at the image of your unborn child, in whites and greys upon the ultrasound screen next to you. Its small heartbeat loud in the room as the midwife turned up the volume. “She’s strong.”
“She?” you asked, tears in your eyes.
The midwife put the machinery away and wiped the cold gel from your swollen stomach. “I don’t want to interfere too much,” she began, reminding you so much of Lucille back in France. The midwife was young, blonde and very beautiful. “But, where’s the father? You never mention him and when I asked you on your first scan, it was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to do. There’s obviously something really hurtful behind what happened, and I just wanted to make sure that adoption is the right thing for this baby.”
You couldn’t help but break down into tears. You shoved your head back on the bed and exhaled through the tears. “There’s so much to this story,” you said. “And I’m not proud of some of my actions, so do I really want to bring a child up knowing the things I’ve done?” Every night flashes of the bodies of Raymond’s father and the mute would haunt you. Murdering those men had brought you some initial satisfaction, but now all you felt was overwhelming shame and guilt. “I was married and my husband died…” The tears came faster down your cheeks, and you dashed to the door, unable to stand this anymore. The midwife chased after you and put her arm around you.
“We can get you support if you need it,” she told you kindly. “Please don’t think that you’ll just give birth to this baby and that’s it.”
“I lost my husband, the only man I’ve ever truly loved. And I have to live with the memories through this baby, knowing I’ll never get him back.”
Instead of going home after your scan, you walked aimlessly through town, watching people pass you by. Evening was closing in quite sharply now, the dusk wrapping around you. Never even knowing why, you looked at the doorway of a local pub, set off the street, and approached it.
You walked into the pub, hearing men cheering at the sports channel which was playing on a TV above the bar. A couple of men raised their eyebrows at you, seeing your obvious pregnancy and wondering why you had decided to venture into a public house.
“Can I have a pint of coke, please?” you asked the barman, an overweight, balding fellow with reddened cheeks.
“Course, love. That’s two pounds fifty, please,” he asked, and began pouring the drink from off the tap.
You stayed in the bar for a while, looking at the print out of your ultrasound scan. Your index finger traced the outline of your daughter’s head and then down her arms which were stretched upwards.
I can’t give you up. How selfish would I be for giving away the one last physical thing I have left of Raymond? The pain will never go away, but I have to try and cope each day and watch you grow up and be happy.
You went on to order a plate of food, but as you waited for your meal, you picked up the cocktails list. A cocktail list in a bar like this? Very fancy an attempt at being up market.
“Should you really be looking at those in your fragile state?” a voice came. Shivers raced down your spine. That voice! It was so familiar; so deep with its velvet baritone edge, but one thing was missing from it: a French accent.
A/N: Guys it’s been sooo long and I really am sorry for haven’t posted anything - I have my reasons, but I promise I’ll do my best in the future. Tell me if you liked it! | masterlist | part 5 |
dinner continued in silence. Y/N hasn’t told anything, her jaws moved so slowly
that was almost annoying, and she only looked at the others when she said good
night and went to their room with Lily. When the two girls turned right and
disappeared, the three of the boys gave me a puzzled look; their facial
expression told me everything. I acted like haven’t noticed their faces and
kept eating, but I casted a quick glance from the corner of my eyes once more
and I met each of their gazes.
I asked after a heavy sigh since I’ve already known they will keep asking me
until I tell them why I was left earlier. But this wasn’t the part of the plan
– unfortunately, so I had to repeat myself to don’t say anything more than what
when will you tell us?’ James asked in an easy manner.
nothing to tell you.’ as soon as the lie left my mouth I realized this was the second
time I lied to them. My first one was just a small thing before the start of the
winter break that I’ll travel home just like them. But they got to know the
truth when arrived back to Hogwarts and they didn’t mind it; since I had the
chance to finally speak with Y/N.
used to ask Remus about her when I saw they get along really well, and he told
me just the same things I observed during the winter break. Maybe I was asking
too many times and they noticed my interest in Y/N but the three of them forgot
it soon because of James and his trying to get Lily. Until this year when Lily
started to talk more and more with Prongs so the fact that I might feel something for Y/N came up
again. And when I told my jerk friends that Y/N and I finally talked and even
spent the whole winter break together, they teased me every day about it.
I tried to prove there was nothing I didn’t tell them, they looked at each
other meaningfully and talked with their eyes something that they don’t believe
me and will definitely gave me another opportunity to talk about what happened
and why I went to the forest.
welcome for the saving, by the way.’ Remus said in a sarcastic tone and stood
up, so did James and Peter.
you comin’ or not?’ said Prongs, waiting for me next to the table. I remembered
they planned something for this night but totally forget about it in the
afternoon in the forest. I was walking near the Black Lake and just thinking
about Y/N and my family. Just about Y/N at first but when my thoughts started
to wander, I somehow ended up thinking about her as my girlfriend. My real girlfriend
I’ve never had, not just my pathetic relationships. I couldn’t help but liked
these thoughts pretty much until my horrible mother and the whole family popped
into my mind. They’d be terrified if got to know the truth that I feel
something for a muggleborn girl. And this almost killed me inside that my
family wants to ruin my life at this level. It’s not like I even cared about
them but that was simply horrible to think about it.
wanted to forget about everything I was thinking about in the forest, so I
stood up and followed James to our room to talk about the prank they planned
against Severus Snape – who else, of course. Playing with Snivellus was one of
the best things we could do when felt bored and even if I wasn’t in the right
mood for it, I told my friends I’ll come with them just to not to be alone.
easily found Snape on the Marauder’s Map; he was walking on the 7th
floor corridor when suddenly stopped on its left side.
is he doing there?’ Peter asked, most from himself than from us.
time to figure this out!’ James shouted in an excited manner and almost ran
away from the room without thinking or even without bring his invisible cloak.
could you please act like someone who’s up to nothing bad?’ Remus sighed
heavily and whispered to James as careful as always. He was just like our
mother when we were doing something bad but he never missed one of these
all laughed - except Remus - on that nickname James used so many times on him.
This one fitted so well on the werewolf. He whispered something like “Screw
you” but I didn’t really listen as I saw Snape in the near distance. He was
standing next to the Troll Tapestry and looked pretty focused. Prongs and I
almost jumped into the scene but Remus grabbed our shoulder and pulled us back.
I think I know what he is up to. And I want to know if the door appears to him.’
door?’ the three of us asked Remus but he hasn’t got time to answer because
Snape stopped and looked into our direction. We were squatting behind a huge
statue that almost hid us and we could be invisible if didn’t speak too loud.
door appeared opposite the Troll Tapestry without any previous sign and when
Snape noticed it too, he turned back, grabbed the doorknob and disappeared.
went back to our room and Remus told us everything about the Room of
Requirement, something Unplottable that our map couldn’t show; that’s why we
didn’t know about its exist before. But Moony has read about it in some old
book – of course.
next day James told Lily and Y/N about everything we saw, just because he
wanted to prove to Lily about Snape bad actions. Lily didn’t pay too much
attention to the whole thing since she hasn’t spoken with Snape too much already,
but Y/N seemed pretty interested.
like something we should probably look at.’ she winked at me with that irresistible
smile that always brought butterflies into my stomach. I hated that I loved it
so much. But she convinced me of course, so we decided to go back there and try
to find out what room Snape needed.
sneaked out after curfew and met with Y/N in the common room.
Moony told me the door will only appear when we’re in a very great need for
something. Do you need anything?’ I asked half-smiling.
I’d like to have a huge hamburger.” she laughed but I didn’t understand what
she was talking about.
this some woman thing? Something like a dildo?’ she suddenly burst into
laughter so I realized I might said something dumb.
it’s…’ she almost couldn’t breathe. ‘It’s not like a dildo, Sirius. It’s a
muggle food, actually.’
Oh. That was awkward. I
fell silence for a long moment then started to laugh too on myself.
so it’s not a big thing then.’ I finally could speak while Y/N was still
smiling at me. On the other hand, her smile made me feel calm and less
stupid, because it was not a despising smile, more than a very happy one.
know, you are funny sometimes. I love this about you.’ she said and the
butterflies came back again.
was the only thing I managed to say. I felt so stupid for being such an idiot
and for couldn’t control my emotions around Y/N. I was completely distracted by
her beautifulness, and when the word “love” left her mouth I couldn’t help but got
so stunned that I was unable to move for a moment or think what to do next. It
looked like she noticed it so started to laugh again.
Cat got your tongue?’ but before I could lost even more in her smile, I heard a
noise and the door appeared just how we saw earlier. ‘Wow, how did you…’
then, I understood why the room showed its entrance for me.
The Charlottesville ppl are coming to my university next, they’ve just registered their protest with the county…they’re holding a “white rally,” “Christian rally” and “family values rally” on 9/11 despite everything we’re doing to stop them.
They’ll be (according to the org itself) harassing students of color, Jewish and Muslim students, and lgbt students…trying to prevent them from going to class, threatening ppl who try to use the Hispanic, black, and lgbt student resource centers, chalking up the sidewalks and screaming derogatory profanity during classes…
…how do you even deal with that? I mean, this is Texas. Our school is extremely conservative and I put up with a lot of shit every day, I’ve seen my share of traveling hate preachers. But knowing there are people *in your own community/student body* would kill you and your friends given half a chance, because they think they’re better than you, entitled to a better life (or a life at all).
How…do you even comprehend that? How do you find courage to go to classes on what should be your happy 21st birthday, knowing you’ll be called “faggot” on your way to get lunch while a classmate spits at your Hispanic friends? How do you deal with that?
I haven’t written fanfic in 15 years so…be gentle with me. This is also my first SPN AND Destiel AND coda (12x09) fic. Needless to say, all those “firsts” make me super panicky. 😎 This fic started out going in an entirely different direction, but then I started drawing on some personal feelings and the look on Cas’ face took on a whole other set of emotions for me. Also, this feels to me like a WIP, so we’ll call this Part One. I’m waiting on my AO3 invite, but didn’t want to go another week without posting this.
I also didn’t realize how much I love dom!angry!Cas, after writing and rereading this a million times. OMG.
Please feel free to reblog! ❤
Coda for 12x09
The angel blade pierced Billie with a blinding resonance and she fell, with a thud, to the pavement.
Sam and Dean stood up from where they’d been knocked back by the Reaper.
“Cas…what have you done?” Dean stammered.
Sam and Mary looked on, equally as stunned.
Cas stared at the three of them. The weight of the world written all over his face. He breathed deeply. “What had to be done. You know, this world…this sad, doomed little world…it needs you. It needs every last Winchester it can get. And I won’t let you die. I won’t let any of you die. And I won’t let you sacrifice yourselves, you mean too much to me. To everything. Yeah, you made a deal. You made a stupid deal. And I broke it. You’re welcome.” His voice was rough with emotion.
The Winchesters stood silently, looking at one another, grasping at what to do or say next.
Cas held his ground, his eyes locked onto Dean. He was surprised at the rage that he felt burning through every nerve ending in his body. He could normally keep his emotions in check, but this was so immediate and intense that it felt like lightening shooting through his blood. He had saved Dean’s life so many times and he was just done trying to prove how much he cared for him. He clenched his jaw and narrowed his gaze. Cas finally caught Dean’s eyes, when they shifted back to him. He noticed that they were glistening with tears.
“Fuck this.” Cas growled.
Not taking his eyes off of Dean, Cas dropped his blade and crossed the space between them.
“Cas, I…” Dean was visibly shell shocked by the turn of events.
“Shut up, Dean.” Cas replied gruffly. He reached up and put his hand on the back of Dean’s head, fingers gripped in his hair. He leaned forward, lips inches from Dean’s, close enough to feel his friends hot breath. “I went to Purgatory to save you – gripped you tight and saved you from perdition, remember? I’ve taken on souls inside of me, I’ve banished every angel from heaven, I’ve been killed by Leviathans and Lucifer…” Cas brought his other hand down to Dean’s waist and firmly pulled their bodies together. “And now I’ve killed a Reaper. What else do I need to do, Dean?”
Cas could feel Dean’s breath hitch when he brushed his lips against his.
Dean cleared his throat. “Do for what?”
Cas immediately crushed his lips against Deans. The rage that was still pulsing through him surged and he bit down hard on Dean’s bottom lip, probably drawing a little blood…Cas really didn’t care. Meanwhile, he thrust his tongue into Dean’s mouth, which elicited a primal grunt from the Winchester. Dean tasted like demon hunting and forests and sex and mother fucking guns and cars and everything that Cas had dreamed of. Cas grinded his hips into Deans.
He moved his mouth to his friends ear. “Fuck you.” Cas whispered, as his teeth grazed Dean’s earlobe. “Fuck you for making me work so hard at this.”
At that, Cas immediately pulled away and turned towards Mary, who wore an inquisitive smile on her face. Though he could see the redness in her cheeks, indicating some probable embarrassment at what she just witnessed. He glanced at Sam, who had his hands on his hips and eyebrows raised.
“Let’s get this cleaned up.” Cas motioned towards Billie’s body.
As he walked towards her, he looked back at Dean, who was leaning against the side of the car, staring out into the darkness.
Checkmate. Cas thought. Your turn now, Dean. I’ve given you all the proof you need.
“Oh Cas, that’s three doubles in a row, off to jail for you !” You laugh as you place Cas on the jail square. He tilts his head at you in confusion.
“I do not understand why I must go to jail for rolling a double a third time.”
“It’s the rules Cas. Roll a double three times in a row and you get sent to jail.”
“I do not like this game very much, Y/N. Haven’t I suffered enough by landing on all your properties, which I do not understand why you get to build hotels on yours but I can’t.” You laugh even harder as you go to roll. You land on a chest and look at the card. You frown.
“Go directly to jail.” You read. Cas smirks as he takes your piece and puts it on the jail square next to his.
Niall: After a week, the vacation had ended, and it was indeed time to get back home. Everyone had seemed to forgotten about the incident that had happened on your way here, that is, until everyone got in the car. Harry claimed his spot in the drivers seat while Zayn occupied the passenger seat, like before. The other three boys dived in the car while you stood outside, hesitantly. “What’re you waiting for (Y/N)? Get in!” Louis said. “Where am I gonna sit…?” “Where else? On….oh….oh yeah” Louis chuckled, recalling the past events. “Shut up..” Niall mumbled. “You can sit on my lap this time (Y/N)” Liam offered. “Yeah, I think Liam can control himself” Zayn joked, leaving a red-cheeked Niall. You let out a soft chuckle before gently taking your place on Liam’s lap, allowing Harry to drive off. The ride was similar to the last one- you just couldn’t hold still. “(Y/N)…” Liam sighed. “Hmmm?” you asked. “S-stop moving so much” he said weakly. “Why? I can’t help it, it’s so tight here!” you whined moving a bit forward. He let out a groan. Your eyes widened when you realized why he was asking you to stop fidgeting. “Oh….” you quietly said, forcing yourself to remain still the rest of the ride. Luckily the ride ended within half an hour, and you were quick to get off. Upon looking at Liam, you were embarrassed, just as much as him, too see that the same thing that happened to Niall had now happened to Liam. The other boys were shocked. “Wait, again?!” Harry asked. “Are you kidding me?!” Zayn laughed. “No one can control theirselves around her, I swear” Niall mumbled quietly.
Harry: It had already been 15 minutes and Harry still hasn’t returned. Curiosity got the best of you so you quietly excused yourself and left the boys to scavenge for Harry. You checked all rooms and he was still out of sight. You sighed and went back down but your name being called caused you to turn around. You followed the voice that belonged to Harry’s, which led you to the bathroom. He called again and when you opened the door your eyes widened. His eyes were closed, his mouth slightly agape. His pants were scrunched on the floor, while his hands furiously rubbed himself. “Oh my god” you gasped, shielding your eyes. “Shit! (Y/N)!!” he yelled, quickly pulling his pants up. “I-s-sorry I was. I’ll go now” you stuttered, keeping your eyes closed as you groped around, looking for the handle. You quickly left the bathroom, running downstairs. Upon arriving, the boys all gave you curious and confused stairs. You faked a smile and took your seat. Ten minutes later and Harry made his way down, awkwardly taking a seat next to you, claiming his original spot. “(Y/N) I-” “Its okay. It didn’t happen” you whispered. “This is why we’re best friends” he smiled.
Louis: The next day, you were at the dance room again, running over a new routine. This time, Louis came in, and it was only him. You stopped the music and smiled. “What’s up?” you said, hugging him. “Not much. I was bored so I thought I’d visit you” he grinned. “Oh that’s great! Considering the fact you left early last time! Why?” you asked. He started looking around, avoiding eye contact. “Nothing. I just got a call. And I had to…leave” he said. You squinted your eyes suspiciously. “You’re lying to me” you concluded. His eyes fell to yours, slightly widened. “W-what? No. No I’m not” “Yes you are” “No” “Yes” “Nu-uhh” “Uh huhh!” “No!” “Yes.” “(Y/N), please just drop it” he pouted. You let out a long sigh. “Fine. You suck. Anyways did you want to learn the dance that you missed yesterday?” you chuckled. “Yes please” he laughed. You sat on the floor. “Great. Now let’s start off with some stre-” “Ummm. Let’s not stretch today. Let’s just dance”
Liam: After enjoying the salty beach water with the boys for what seemed like fifteen minutes, Liam had finally returned to join you all. Luckily for him, no one brought up the past events and all went well. You in lingered in the water for a little, while the boys returned to the sand. It took you a while to notice that the boys’ eyes were on you when you surfaced from the water. While approaching the dry land, the boys all stared until you were seated. “…..are you guys okay? You’ve been staring at me like a piece of meat for the past minute or so…” you asked, your eyebrows rising. Niall was first to swallow, then speak. “Mmm. Yeah. We’re fine” he said, turning to look at Liam. Liam then proceeded to look at Harry, who looked at Zayn, who looked at Louis, who looked back at Niall. They were communicating without the use of words. “We get it now…” Harry mumbled. You furrowed your eyebrows. “Yeah…” Zayn agreed. “What? Get what? Why am I not apart of this?!” you asked. “Nothing….don’t stress about it” Liam smiled. “Just….here….wrap this around yourself” he chuckled, handing you a towel. You did as told. “Saved all your butts” he whispered to the boys, leaving you in curiosity.
Zayn: The next day, you had woken up to a text from Zayn. “Hey! Come to my house today ASAP, I need to talk to you” it read. “I’ll be there in ten” you replied. While driving, you thought of all possible reasons why he needed to see you. You hoped he was okay. Like promised, you appeared at his doorstep in ten minutes. As soon as he opened the door, you engulfed him in a worried hug. He chuckled before wrapping his arms around your tiny frame. “What’s wrong?! Is everything alright? Are you okay?!” you panicked. “Calm down (Y/N), everything’s okay….I just needed to talk to you about something…” he said quietly. “Oh. Alright. What’s up?” you asked. “About…yesterday….” you suddenly blushed. “Oh umm…can we just….can we forget about it? Because like…okayyouknowthatsunfairconsideringthefactthatimverystubbornandyouknowidontlikebeingchallengedsoijusthadtoprovethat-” his lips suddenly crashed on to yours, instantly halting your blabbering. He pulled away after a short while. “I know. I know. But I don’t want to forget it. Yesterday made me realize something” he said. “What…” you asked, still slightly thrown off. “I love you” he said softly, a small smile appearing on both your faces.
A/N: For the anon that requested the preference where “he gets sick and you’re the school nurse”, I’m working on that next; I’ll try and have it up asap :)