shut up maralie

business email glossary
  • thanks in advance: get this done by the time i press "send"
  • thanks for your interest: why'd you have to bring this up
  • would you be so kind: fucking do it
  • best: i have never physically met you
  • all best: this conversation is over
  • all my best: i wish you would die
  • happy to help: this is the easiest thing in my inbox
  • i hope this helps: i've done all i'm willing to do
  • i did a bit of research: i googled it, because you're too lazy to
  • sorry to chase: answer my email
  • so sorry to chase: answer my FUCKING email
  • i am really sorry for being a pest but: i am LIVID that you are ignoring me
  • please contact my colleague: this isn't my problem
  • i'm copying in my colleague: this isn't my problem and i am thrilled about it
  • i'll check and get back to you: i might forget to
  • i'll let you know when i hear anything: i will forget to
  • can you check back with me in a week?: i'm hoping you will forget to
  • per our earlier conversation: i just yelled at you on the phone
  • great to chat just now: you just yelled at me on the phone
  • thanks!: i'm not mad at you
  • thanks!!: please don't be mad at me
  • thanks!!!: i'm crying at my desk
  • please advise: this might be your fault
  • kindly advise: this is entirely your fault
  • mind if i swing by?: i'm already in the elevator
  • can you confirm for me: you told me before and i deleted the email
  • sorry if that was unclear: i think you're an idiot
  • let me know if you need anything else: please never contact me again
we have always lived in the palace

I need to take you on a very important journey. We’re going through time, back to the summer of 2005.

In case you don’t recall, let me tell you a few things about the summer of 2005. Second-term Bush cynicism was heavy in the air. YouTube had been around for about two months. Fall Out Boy and My Chemical Romance were just starting to get popular. There was no such thing as an iPhone, we were still on Generation III of Pokemon and the PS3 wasn’t out yet. To give you a picture of exactly how early this is in internet history, the Numa Numa video came out in December of 2004. We’re talking way back in the wayback.

The internet used to be so fragmented. These days I’d say there are about ten websites that everybody goes on, the Walmarts of the internet, one-stop-shopping for all your social networking needs. Everyone is online, everyone uses their real names, and you have to be careful what you say, lest an unfortunate screencap be emailed to your boss.

It’s jarring. I feel sometimes like I’ve come home to find my house rearranged. It wasn’t always like this. Ten years ago “social media marketing” was not a thing, nobody had apps on their phone, and the internet was so much less corporate. It was a deeply embarrassing place, but it was genuine.

And I have a piece of it for you, pressed in my heart like a flower. Come back with me, for a while, to 2005.

[keep reading!]

i feel like i’m going to explode and i just want to throw my brain at people and have my sadness validated and you all know my whole life is an art project anyway so in the next day or two i might write about what’s been going on but if i post it i don’t want ANY RUDE ANONS this time everybody has to BE NICE TO ME, BITCH

it’s really important to me to do this particular thing up right, so i’m thinking i might do it partially in the style of this ann beattie novel i love called walks with men, a novel which makes me so desperately sad that when i reread it i can only go two-thirds of the way through and then i have to stop for my own emotional security because i know what’s coming and i can’t go through it again

that book fucked me up. and i met ann beattie once and i told her about that and she was like “…….wow sorry” and then she signed my copy and now it’s cursed

elegy for a palace

I need to take you on a very important journey. We’re going through time, back to the summer of 2005.

In case you don’t recall, let me tell you a few things about the summer of 2005. Youtube had been around for about two months. Fall Out Boy and Paramore and The Academy Is were just starting to get popular; the Backstreet Boys had recently reunited, not that anyone cared. There was no such thing as an iPhone, we were still on Generation III of Pokemon and the PS3 wasn’t out yet. To give you a picture of exactly how early this is in internet history, the Numa Numa video came out in December of 2004. We’re talking way back in the wayback.

The internet used to be so fragmented. These days I’d say there are about ten websites that everybody goes on, the Walmarts of the internet, gigantic social networks with userbases larger than the population of New York City that provide all the content and interaction you could possibly need in a sort of one-stop-shopping experience. Everybody is online, and everybody goes to the same shortlist of places. 

It didn’t use to be like that. Ten years ago “social media marketing” was not a thing, nobody had apps on their phone, and the internet was so much less corporate. It was truer, more genuine, and it was also a whole hell of a lot more embarrassing. I want to talk about what I was doing in 2005.

Keep reading

when i was out with that okcupid guy last night he very hesitantly said “so… how is this whole thing working out for you?” and i was like “what thing” and he was like “you know… the whole… ok… thing” and we started just very frankly comparing our experiences and talking about how terrible most people’s profiles are and we were going OFF on people who present themselves like this – like come ON what am i supposed to get out of this? what is the hook? fucking give me something! everybody is all “i like to travel and hang with my friends and eat. message me if you want to know more.” like wow god after that introduction i actually don’t! and we were talking about how wild it is that everybody on here is, you’d assume, a unique and interesting individual, but when called upon to sum up their character for this huge audience that might possibly contain their soulmate, everybody says the EXACT SAME FUCKING THING (and then his profile is SO strange and he was telling me how he did like, a focus group at okcupid and they looked at it and were like “um, what is any of this? you’re never going to attract anyone this way” and he was like “no that’s the point, i’d only want to attract someone who would find this funny” and i was like oh… i see)

there is also something sort of endearing about okcupid though, like… everybody you see, you know why they’re there. everyone is just lonely and hoping for something. and it’s sweet and sad and exposes you to so much human vulnerability it can be hard to look at for long

i miss he-who-must-not-be-named so desperately and i keep imagining what he’d have to say on all that – he thinks online dating is terminally stupid and i know he would be howling at some of these profiles and the messages i get – he would be so, so funny about this and i’d give up all my earthly possessions to hear his stupid trilling laugh one more time, lol

slowly, slowly, slowly picking away at the final essay i will write about Him. i have a few ideas but since this is it, this is the last, it has to be utterly perfect. it’s hard to plan out because it has to be vast enough to contain the magnitude of what i feel for him and that is a tall fucking order lol… i have so much i need to do, i have to decide whether i want to delete all his texts and i have a letter to him included in the stash of final letters to loved ones i keep stowed away to be distributed in the event of my untimely death, and his letter is a triumphant declaration of love and obviously i hope these letters never have to be distributed but i’ve got to decide whether i want him to get his if they do, and i have to find a new favorite bar near my office because i cannot imagine walking through those doors and not hearing the sardonic host call out “monsieur, madame!” before we ordered without even looking at the menu and i cannot take “our usual seats” ever again, i cannot be wrenched back to the first time he laced our fingers together under the bar and whispered “such tiny hands” as if he hadn’t remarked on that ten thousand times already, i can never return, he can have it, i will cede him that territory

this is such a fucking process and it hasn’t even been a week and it feels completely different every day. on friday i wrote my poor old poetry professor a hysterical letter spilling out my grief, which was stupid because i never really confide in him about personal things but i was already going to write him that weekend and it was the only thing i could think of so poor, poor dr. sharpe has a hell of a missive in his hands and i cannot imagine what he must think of me now. he used to call me the oracle of delphi because i sat in the back of his classroom up against the shitty old radiator and yelled answers over the rattling and mysterious fumes, and that’s the version of me he knows, the version with the answers, so i imagine i have surprised him

part of the plan is to steer clear of Him for at least a month or so, until i stop getting hit with these random waves of full-body grief, and the general rearranging of my schedule so as not to encounter him (so as, in fact, to be conspicuously absent from his life so that he’ll really notice) is proving kind of sad and annoying but also kind of fun and interesting, like how you’re supposed to put your left shoe on before the right from time to time to keep your brain ticking… or something… god. this is an experience.

i went to another randomly-selected church tonight for all saints’ day and the guest preacher was the bishop of rhode island (go figure) who was talking about the nature of sainthood and how although it’s not likely any of us will ever be saints in the sense of performing miracles and being sung in the litany, the defining quality of a saint is credibility, so we should all strive to be minor saints in the lives of the people we know, not by being perfect but by trying to live out our faith as earnestly as possible. and i found that really moving

“for all the saints” is a favorite hymn of mine and i especially love where it says

o blest communion, fellowship divine!
we feebly struggle; they in glory shine,
yet all are one in thee, for all are thine

i get no end of comfort from the idea that the saints are beside us, among us, praying for and with us. we sang the great litany and i was struck, not for the first time, by how long it is, how many names and names and names and even still it’s only a fraction of how many there are. but i just find it staggering to think of all these holy men and women working on our behalf, like that new york times article about the white house employees who sorted obama’s mail, doing that strange solemn duty of escalating people’s concerns. 

this church had a beautiful crucifixion scene on a sort of scaffolding suspended high above the sanctuary and as we were singing i kept looking up at their gorgeous st. john statue and thinking about him and about how lucky i am to have such a powerful intercessor. we have an… unusual relationship and i think i probably frustrate him a great deal lmao but i have absolute confidence that he will always drag me through whatever messes i get myself into and i could never fuck up badly enough for him to give up on me. (patron of friendship and loyalty, after all.)

…but really like three times a week now i’m all “st. john… pray for me to find a new boyfriend lmao thanks” and he, i imagine, is like “this is not even remotely part of my patronaoh fine” and then pours himself a celestial libation bc i’m driving him to drink

lol, lol, i went to the cute priest’s church and it was sooooo bad… the church was a travesty oh my god we sang all this music that their choir director wrote that was like, adult contemporary radio but about jesus, with this horrible synth percussion backing track and instead of having sheet music in the bulletin like normal human beings they had the words projected on a screen at the front of the sanctuary, but no music notation, so nobody could fucking follow it anyway and people were just uncertainly warbling along and i knew i shouldn’t but i could not stop fucking laughing

and the sermon was about grace but for some reason they intercut it with some guy from the choir singing…? so the (other, non-cute) priest would be like “and we give thanks to god for his grace-” and the guy would get up and be like “AMAAAAAZING GRAAAACE” and people were humming along and a bunch of guys in front kept standing and raising their arms in the air like they were at a baptist service, and at the benediction at the end somebody let out like… a groan, almost. a shout. some kind of animal scream. and the whole service was rite ii which means that instead of the gorgeous antique language upon which our glorious tradition was founded, we had to basically say a lot of “jesus is a nice man! :) :) he does good things!” and oh god it was… really bad, and made me appreciate all over again the incandescent beauty of my church to which i cannot return, at least not for a while, and the priest was like “what did you bring through these doors with you today, what troubles and concerns, and could it be that even now god is contriving to fix those with grace” and i was like fuck i hope so… i want to go home. of course i want him back but more importantly i’d just like to go home. this service was a parody of what i’m used to – but at the same time i was a little moved because everyone else seemed so moved, and more because i had to see, all over again, how lucky i have been in finding my church, a place that so suits me, even if things are a bit tricky right now.

i went up to the cute priest afterward as he was rushing around collecting prayer books for a class he was about to teach, and he looked so stunned to see me lmao he was like “oh! …..hi!” and gave me a hug and gave me this look of genuine concern like he truly could not understand why i was standing in front of him, and he said “…..were you… here?” and i was like “NO I WAS JUST PASSING BY yeah! i just like to see how other people do things sometimes” and he made some joke about his mic, which had messed up during the service and embarrassed him, and then he apologized because he had to go directly to his class and i was like “not at all, i don’t want to keep you, um… maybe i’ll… see you around?” and he was like “…..yeah! um yeah!” and asked if i was going to this other theology event that’s coming up which i had absolutely not planned to attend, but i was like “uh maybe, yeah!” and he was like “it’s going to be good. you should go. …GO.” and i was like lol ok… so now i have to go…

i think he doesn’t know what to make of me. i can’t tell if he understands that i’m trying to Get That and/or if it makes him uncomfortable that i’ve now ambushed him twice at his place of employment but… i think that’s really all i can do for now lmao i will see if i see him at the theology thing i guess, and pretend i understand what the fuck anybody is talking about. it will probably be easier for me to try to get his number if he’s not wearing vestments, although he does look pretty damn good in them i have to tell you… i need to get this PRIEST

i’m currently remembering something great

my english teacher in freshman year of high school was named mr. funair (i know right) which we always thought HAD to be a fake name bc it was TOO convenient because he was this creepily positive smiley guy who kept telling us “fun is in the air” and we were edgy teenagers so we did not WANT fun to be in the air, we wanted existential misery

anyway i have probably told the story before that he made us begin every class period by reciting a positive affirmation, we had to say the following in unison and you’d get in trouble if you didn’t sound sufficiently enthusiastic: “i am smart, i learn quickly, i have an excellent memory and i’m good looking. every day i do Wonderful, Outstanding Work. WOW!”

like… class would not start until we had said this. we used to mess around and say it really fast or really slow or in other languages and mr. funair would get very earnestly annoyed. i’m sure i’ve told that part before.

what i had forgotten and have just remembered is that the positive affirmation was followed by the “wow wave,” which was exactly what it fucking sounds like, we had to do the wave at our desks while shouting “wow!” and again, if we were not deemed sufficiently excited we would have to do it over again. the amount of class time we wasted trying to get the wow wave right… not that we were going to learn anything worthwhile in freshman english anyway

but still, unbidden, to my mind leaps an image of 25 teenagers jumping out of their rickety desks, screaming “WOW”

i keep seeing people saying “retail workers don’t care if you shoplift, they don’t get paid enough to care” and that’s interesting to me because i certainly cared

i remember one time ana and i were working on a display and this dude performed a masterful sleight of hand where he distracted us both and then grabbed a bunch of candles off a shelf and he didn’t even bolt, he came back to us and said goodbye totally smoothly, and it wasn’t until like ten minutes later that we realized what he’d done and we were PISSED lmao we took it as this huge personal insult, how dare he get one over on us, by saying ”we don’t get paid enough to care” you’re really just feeding into that stereotype of us being mindless drones which, incidentally, is why people think they can treat us like shit and get away with it, because they see us as part of the store and not individual humans

anyway stealing is like objectively bad and wrong and doesn’t make you edgy or cool and whining about capitalism while you steal doesn’t do anything to justify your actions and jean valjean was a criminal

can i also say, my immortal is a masterpiece from start to finish, it has all these tiny incredible details and ingeniously-placed malapropisms and it surprises me anew every time i read it, but there is one line that will eternally stand above the rest – there is one line in my immortal that is truly, completely perfect and correct – and it’s when hagrid comes to visit ebony in the hospital wing holding a bouquet of pink roses and she says “fuck you i don’t even like pink” so hagrid says an incantation, and then this:

And then the roses turned into a huge black flame floating in the middle of the air. And it was black.

like…

god that’s just so well-done

that was horrible to watch

you could tell he was really in pain, that jump ruined his back, and in front of all those people, it must have been miserable… i KNEW he shouldn’t have skated singles, i knew this would happen

i can’t handle all these media people going “oh, it’s SILENT in the rink, what a disappointment for all the people who came to see him, what a shakeup in the standings, how distracting for the other skaters”

this man has literally ravaged his body for this sport and i hope no one is taking pleasure in the fact that he was obviously in agony. the fact that he showed up at all is a testament to the kind of man he is and we should all be honored that he even tried

he is the king and he’ll always be the king but it was awful to see it get taken away from him like this, to see the best athlete ever to grace this sport have to bow out because the sport destroyed him. he must be so upset.

this week at the office we ordered what was purported to be a “jumbo pack” of several cases of AA batteries so we’d never run out again

it came today. we ordered this off quill, as we do all our office supplies. it was a big box, probably a foot wide, six inches high

we open the box and there are literally four batteries. inside this box there are one two three four batteries looking all tiny and forlorn inside this bigass box that was supposed to hold the motherlode of duracell goodness. four.

and my boss shows this to me and he goes “is this real?” and i’m like “this feels like the setup to a joke”

and thats the story of how i spent my afternoon on the phone with customer service