shut up donut

I think baby boomers’ tendency to get very mad at slow service goes hand in hand with their dislike of smart phones. Every situation I’ve been in where service is slow? I just whip out my phone and browse apps for the extra 30 seconds. It’s not a big deal. Meanwhile Landline Howard behind me in line who’s never held a smartphone in his life is bored with nothing to occupy his time so he yells at minimum wage workers instead.

there is a particular type of emptiness that comes on a person between the hours of 11pm and 4am wherein your body sends steadily more confusing signals about what it wants, which you dutifully try to interpret. do we want a pink donut, you ask yourself? dutifully, a pink donut is procured and eaten, but the emptiness persists. do we want a toasted ham and cheese sandwich instead, perhaps to eat while reading a suitable fanfic, curled up in the kind of comfortable window-seat our house does not, in fact, possess? what do we want, brain-body?

here is the answer: what we crave in these moments isn’t nourishment, but acknowledgement freely offered, as opposed to covertly solicited. we sit awake while others sleep and hope our distant friends will sense, by some animal gnosis apart from us, that we want their company; will know to reassure us that we’re not wasting their time, that they’re thinking of us, that we’re valued and wanted. it’s a complex sort of hunger, and one the human body is evidently ill-equipped to convey to its resident ghost in any clearly distinguished fashion. 

so instead, we make terrible decisions involving carbohydrates while squinting at unsatisfactory literature. because existential crises.

Okay but imagine that whenever Amon would buy donuts, Hide would steal some and one day Amon catches him

Amon: Nagachika-kun. You’re the one taking my donuts?!

Hide: I’m just trying to help you stay fit, Amon-san! 

Amon: *offended, looks down at himself* 

Are you calling me fat?!

Hide: Well, no!  not yet. *looks at him innocently*

Amon: I am NOT fat!

Hide: See? It’s working! You’re welcome!

 *runs away with a donut in his mouth*

Just imagine with me if you will:

The Reds and Blues performing uptown funk Feat. Lavernius Tucker who’s doing an entire musical number so he can get out of doing training while Wash is just sitting there waiting for it to end like

anonymous asked:

I just wanted to say that... Ahem... BLUE RULES! SUCK IT RED!

What the fuck did you just fucking say about Red Team, you little bitch? I’ll have you know I graduated top of my class in being good at identifying better teams, and I’ve been involved in numerous secret spying missions from Sarge on blue base, and I have seen over 300 confirmed team-kills in blue base. I am trained in better team identification and I’m the top best friend in the entire Red Team secret friend meetings. You are nothing to me but just another dirty blue. I will make you like red better with facts the likes of which has never been seen before on this Earth, mark my fucking words. You think you can get away with saying that shit to me over the Internet? Think again, fucker. As we speak I am contacting my secret network of Red Command across the all of space and your IP is being traced right now so you better prepare for the subtle lesson in proper team acknowledgement, maggot. The storm that shows you why it’s bad to like the pathetic little thing you call blue team. You’re fucking about to like red team, kid. I can be anywhere, anytime, and I can teach you in over seven hundred ways, and that’s just with my red team adoration. Not only am I extensively trained in collecting information about how cute the reds are, but I have access to the entire arsenal of Donut’s red team family picture albums and I will use it to its full extent to wipe your miserable blue team off the front of your brain, you little shit. If only you could have known what absolute love and adoration for reds your little “clever” comment was about to bring down upon you, maybe you would have held your fucking tongue. But you couldn’t, you didn’t, and now you’re paying the price, you goddamn idiot. I will shit love and red team friendship all over you and you will drown in it. You’re fucking about to love Red team, kiddo.

What if when Sarge and Wash and Donut are all locked up in a cell together, Wash starts having nightmares again? But they’re different from his epsilon nightmares or his recovery one nightmares. These nightmares are all of their last day in the canyon, of being captured. Of Tucker running of on a suicide mission to help restore power. Of his face right before the cave collapsed and sealed him away from Wash. And in these nightmares Tucker doesn’t make it. Sometimes he crushed by the cave in, sometimes he’s shot while running to red base.

And every night, in their tiny cell, Wash wakes up screaming. Donut and Sarge don’t know what to do at first. Wash doesn’t react well to them trying to comfort him. His doesn’t want pity or nice words about how they’re friends are all okay and that they’re gonna get out of this fine, because the Reds and Blues always do. 

Then one night, when Wash wakes up screaming Tucker’s name, Donut tries a different tactic. Instead of trying to comfort, he tries to distract. (Tucker huh? You dream about Tucker? Can’t say I really blame you, what with his curly hair and perfect butt.) And he goes on to list all the great things about Tucker, from his eyes, to his height, to how energetic he thinks he’d be in bed. And Wash just sits there and listens, cheeks getting progressively redder, because yeah, Tucker does have great thighs (especially after Wash made him do all those squats) and they’d probably feel really great wrapped around his waist. 

This goes on till Sarge makes Donut shut up, having not said anything when he noticed it calming Wash now, but now that Wash is calm, it’s frankly disturbing to hear one of his men talk that way about a blue. 

The next night Wash wakes up screaming Tucker’s name, but for an entirely different reason. Donut thinks it’s a vast improvement. Sarge tears apart part of his pillow and makes ear plugs.