shrek puss

Okay just to make it clear here are the movies that I like ironically and unironically

Ironically:
Emoji movie, sharknado, bee movie

Unironically:
Shrek 2, shrek, shrek 3, shrek 4, the puss in boots, a shrek halloween, shrek christmas

voltron shrek au

alright. alright alright alright alright.

  • KEITH is quite obviously SHREK. loner. off-putting personality. intimidating at first. probably smells weird. odd concept of what constitutes hygiene. good heart. not the best socially. puts in effort that often goes unnoticed thanks to preconceived notions. could benefit from a lot of hugs. impulsive. also: keith lives out in the desert, shrek lives out in the swamp. 
  • GET OUT OF MY SHACK (BASS DROPS) SHACKSHACKSHACKSHACKshaaaaaCK
  • now this may throw some of you for a loop, but HUNK is DONKEY. anxious. tendency to ramble. appreciative of what’s important. vocal about it when annoyed or upset. supportive and loving, but ultimately aware of your bullshit and will call you on it if necessary. scares easily. aware of his own mortality. gets stuck in threatening situations because of his friends. tries to have a positive outlook. a good friend to have on your side. hilarious. genuine. would make u waffles.
  • LANCE is FIONA. critically underestimated. demands the #best out of life. a little spoiled + loves to be pampered. petty as hell. easy to toss over your shoulder. sarcasm as a pseudo-coping mechanism. actually very accepting. big heart. not afraid of Emotions. hard fucking worker. lowkey leadership skills. damsel in distress but accompanied by the trope of being Surprisingly Competent. grody jokes. certified nastie. genuinely supportive pal. will fuck u up… but at what cost… at what cost….

and did somebody say PLOT??????

  • haha too bad, i don’t have one
  • ok that’s a lie i have half of one
  • keith is the human child of a galra commander who was killed in battle. he basically raised himself on this alien planet away from everyone else because he wasn’t accepted and treated as an outsider/monstrosity
  • lance, a prophesied paladin of voltron, is kidnapped from earth and locked away in space with the discovered lion, left there to rot as bait for the other eventual paladins/lions
  • it’s surprisingly effective as a means of weeding out the rebels against galra rule
  • that is until zarkon starts taking captives instead of killing them all, because he still is no closer to obtaining the black, yellow, or green lions
  • shortly after this is when shiro manages to escape and crash land on earth, found by hunk and pidge, who are desperate in their search to recover their lost friend lance, whose disappearance (*pidge voice* ABDUCTION) was covered up by The Garrison, same as the disappearance of pidge’s family
  • (yes, this makes SHIRO the GINGERBREAD MAN)
  • hunk and pidge rescue shiro, repair his crashed ship with their beautiful genius brains, and head towards the Castle of Lions with swiped secret info + coordinates from The Garrison—- who, they find, knew exactly what happened to lance, pidge’s family, and why
  • the galra start dumping the captives for keeping on keith’s land, so that they can have them on hand for gladiatorial training, slavery, or other uses. keith is livid, but mostly because he has to deal with Change and People and Things Were Fine The Way They Were, Like, They Sucked, But He Wasn’t Dwelling On It Okay and Still, This Is Worse
  • once hunk, pidge, and shiro have teamed up with ALLURA (ARTHUR) and CORAN (MERLIN), hunk goes alone to retrieve the yellow lion, but ends up getting captured by the galra en route
  • this is how hunk and keith meet
  • hunk figures out what’s happening based on keith’s angry ranting, and when sendak promises keith that if he can find a way to use the blue paladin to lure out the rest of voltron, he can have his lonely little asteroid planet back
  • hunk uses this as an opportunity to go save lance!!!!! and good thing he does because keith needs him to help save the day on balmera thanks to his beautiful new She’s-Not-My-Girlfriend, SHAY.
  • keith doesn’t know what he’s going to do once they get there and meet this stupid, trouble-making blue paladin
  • defect against the galra? double-cross the paladins to get his home back?? was it even really a home to begin with??
  • he CERTAINLY doesn’t plan… to fall in Love…………………..

just,,, LISten ,,

  • keith: it’s no wonder u don’t have any friends? hunk: wow, only a True friend would be that Truly Honest?
  • (keith driving over a cliff) 🎶 I DON’T GIVE A DAMN ABOUT MY BAD REPUTATION 🎶
  • hunk: (looks between keith and lance in disbelief) he’s as nasty as you are?
  • lance: (singing) bird: (explodes)
  • when a galra in the bush grabs a paladin by the tush that’s bad that’s bad that’s really really bad
  • keith: what am i? pidge: uh… really tall?
  • keith getting shot in the butt and lance having to pull it out
  • is that a euphemism
  • i don’t know
  • mullets are like onions
  • hunk: blue flower red thorns blue flower red thorns blue flower red thorns THIS WOULD BE SO MUCH EASIER IF I WASN’T COLORBLIND
  • blue flower 😎 red thorns 😎 #investigate

and that’s just the first movie,,

A Shrexual Birthday

Be 17.

Be turning 18 soon.

Ask parents for Shrek themed party.

Just like the last 12 years.

Mom says I’m too old for Shrek

Tell her she better check herself before she Shrek’s herself

Mom asks if I’ve taken my meds.

I say yes, then ask for an onion flavored cake.

Mom says no.

I call her a Farquaad bitch.

She sends me to my room and tears stream down my face.

Jacking off will probably cheer me up.

Pull out super dreck MLP Friendship is Magic DVD collection

Open them up to see five Shrek discs (including Puss in Boots) that my mom thought were in her room.

Its the 171st day of the year.

Today I am scheduled to masturbate to Artie from Shrek the Third.

Fap furiously when Artie appears and am finished in seconds.

Wipe semen off my chest with Twilight Sparkle stuffed pony.

Start to think about fight with mother again.

Get an idea.

Sneak out of room.

Mom is sleeping.

Go to shed in backyard

Grab the sharpest tool in the shed.

Stand outside Mom’s door.

Too chicken to do it. I pray to Shrek for courage.

The scent of onions fill the room.

A green hand takes the tool from me.

“I’ll take it from here laddie.” Shrek says.

Shrek plants the tool deep in my mother’s body ogre and ogre again.

The stabbing went on for almost an hour.

Blood sprayed all ogre the room and on my body. Especially my hands and arms.

Shrek is finally finished with my mother and he looks at me.

I pull off my blood soaked clothes and poke my butt in the air.

Shrek picks me up with one hand and uses his Schlong to sweep the remains of my mother off of her bed.

Despite the carnage, it still smells like onions.

But now the smell of waffles and litter enter the room as well.

Donkey, Fiona and Puss are suddenly at my side.

All of them are just as nude as Shrek.

Shrek flops down on his back on the bed.

Blood pools around him as his weight squeezes it out of the mattress like a sponge.

He still has me in one hand.

He skewers me on his shrock and begins using my asshole to pleasure himself.

His slimy member provides lube, but it does nothing to stop the anal stretching as it flexibly snakes its way through my intestinal tract.

Princess Fiona jumps on top of me and I silently plead to Shrek that my small dick is enough to please her majesty.

Fiona slips my dick into her snatch and it closes in around my penis.

Her ogress pussy vacuums my dick with the frenzy of a Jack in the Box customer trying to get just one little taste of his ogrely thick milkshake.

It feels as if the inside of my woody is being sucked out my pee hole.

I am now in the middle of an ogre sandwich. An Ogreo if you will.

I motorboat her giant green titties and suck the onion juice out of her nipples.

All the while with Shrek’s green anaconda still slithering inside me.

I turn my head to the left and gasp for breath.

As I do, Donkey stuffs my mouth with his schlong.

It quickly finds its way deep into my esophagus.

I am finding hard to breath with Donkey’s “little Donkey” thrusting within, yet never receding from my gaping mouth as one of my nostrils is filled with snot.

Puss in Boots nimbly climbs up the others and drags his ass and balls on my face.

Puss turns around and I see his small barbed baculum poking out from his fur.

He examines my two nose cunts and thankfully chooses the one already filled with snot to jab his boner into.

It is the greatest moment of my life.

I submit myself completely to Fairy Tale Lands finest.

The amount of movement going in on inside of me is indescribable.

I am now 33% cock.

I reach around and claw at Fiona’s rump, trying to get a chance to stick my fist in the greatest woman of all time.

Then, it happened.

Shrek and Donkeys foreskin meet together in my tummy.

Their tips lightly kiss one another, right before spewing a stew of cum inflating my stomach like a water balloon.

Seconds later, I spunk into Fiona’s pussy.

My eyes roll back in my head.

I am breathing furiously yet only through one nostril.

It isn’t ogre yet.

I release a lengthy stream of semen as I never have before.

Donkey and Shrek still seem to be filling me with their love like a hose of sperm.

I am pumping an inhuman amount of jizz into Fiona, when I realize that it must be Shrek and Donkey whose cum is helping to give me extra virility.

Puss’s saw like wang is finally running out of mucus to drill out of my nose and it begins shaving off my nose hairs.

My nose bleeds a thick pink blood-semen cocktail courtesy of Puss in Boots.

After about a minute, Shrek and Donkey’s ogresm is complete.

Seconds later mine is done too.

I am more satisfied and exhausted than I have been in my entire life.

But it still isn’t ogre.

I look deeply and lovingly into Fiona’s green eyes as Puss and Donkey retreat from my orifices.

She spills forth from her mouth a cascade of all our juices.

It drenches my face and I squint to see Fiona, Donkey, and Puss all looking down on me with adoration.

Between gulps, I gargle “Shrek is love. Shrek is life.”

I fall gently to sleep with Shrek’s penis still moving inside of me and mine still inside Fiona.

I wake up the next morning in my mothers bed to the smell of onions and waffles.

I am alone except for the unrecognizable corpse on the floor.

Shrek and the others must have licked the cum all off because all that is left was blood and a floury substance on my hand.

I go to the kitchen to find a plate of onion waffles waiting for me.

Finally I have a family who cares for me.

After eating the feast my lovers left me, I went to my room to tell the other brogres online about my Shreksperience.

I find a note on the door.

“I was thinking about your party, and I decided that you can have a Far Far Away party after all. It is your big day and it is up to you to decide how to spend it. I will bake you your onion cake and make brownies for everyone else. Even though you have grown up into a wonderful Prince Charming, you will always be my special little boy. Love Mommy.”

Prince Charming?

PRINCE CHARMING?

That bitch deserved to die.