I think what hurts the most about being alone is how much love you have to give yet no one to give it to. At times it feels like an emptiness that devours you whole. You desire to make a meaningful connection yet have always been outcasted for being too intense, too strange, and too obsessed for most. It’s this need to connect yet feeling like an annoyance whenever you reach out to someone. You grow too easily attached to people who show you attention. That you can detect the slightest change in tone and behavior. The tendency to overthink and over feel simultaneously is crushing like a knot in your chest on fire. Then when things fall by the wayside you become more isolated even suicidal to a degree. You’ve become accustomed to loneliness but it’s never sat right with you. You feel like your wasting away and not living up to your potential. And there’s nothing you can do and nowhere you can go.
You dream up these fantasies in your head of someone special. Usually whoever you’re infatuated with. To you, it’s not just a concept. It matters so much more to you than that. You are extremely forgiving of flaws because you recognize your own and would hate for someone to judge you base solely on them. You imagine them in front of you and how they would react. Playing out scenarios in your head with even the most subtle signs of intimacy. From the way, they look at you to the way they embrace you and laugh with you. Even to imagine how it would be to make passionate love to them.
Then you realize ten times outta ten it never goes that way. Most of the time connections just fade or completely burn out before they had a chance to begin. No one ever sticks around let alone reciprocates or even comes close to you at that depth you’re at. So in some cynical joke, you are a hopeless romantic who somehow thrives on a dead dream. And being so stubborn in your heart you cant let it go completely. You hold out hope that if by just chance or fate, that things would be different just this one time. So, in essence, you pretty much destroy and rebuild yourself every time. And you are just exhausted with trying to the point of not even bothering anymore. To never reach out to anyone ever again for further risk of getting your hopes up. And it hurts because there will always be that part of you waiting for something that never comes.