should i get worried

Things Overheard in Dorms
  • “That’s the fourth time this week you’ve brought up cannibalizing me. Should I be worried?”
  • “So needless to say, she peed on me.”
  • “Wow, this Heineken has such a smooth finish!”
  • “Do you think I can fit an entire orange in my mouth?”
  • “If I hear someone sing Hamilton in the shower again I’m joining them in their shower so I can drown them.”
  • “Someone just gave me a free cake. Should I be worried?”
  • “How did they manage to get that in BOTH shower stalls!?”
  • “How much caffeine is poisonous? Asking for myself, I’m actually worried.”
  • faintly, as though yelled from in a room down the hall “Can you come hand me my Swiss rolls? My head spins if I sit up.”
  • “Well you see, Marxism is actually” *anguished yelling from multiple people*
  • “Why is Ross sitting in a box in the hallway with a sweatervest draped over his head?” “Stress.”
  • “What’s the difference between an undergraduate research assistant and a random nosy 19 year old? Less than you’d think!”
  • “Let Bob Ross caress your happy little struggles away.”
  • “He talks like he thinks the world is waiting with bated breath to hear what he thinks about Fight Club.”
  • *screaming in harmony with a vacuum*

Heya everyone! Sorry for being so silent! I’ve been working super hard on the video and I’m almost done! I’ve gotten so much support and love in such a short time recently so I rushed to get it finished but unfortunately, it’s only a wip for that reason! I had a full video planned but I wanted to get half of it out to celebrate the followers milestone and save the rest of the video for the next one so that I can fully work on it! Thank you so much for 8000+ followers! I hope you’re all excited and again, I’m really happy you’re all here <3

the saga of is it a fic or are they headcanons continues.

one | two (THIS ONE!) | three | four | five | six | seven | eight | nine

  • so michelle starts to get buddy buddy with ned and peter, ish.
  • she starts to actually kind of like ned, even if he sometimes puts his foot in his mouth sometimes. but they argue about the merits of comic books as a form of literature and he teaches her some words in tagalog and she learns how to call peter a son of a bitch so she’s pretty entertained.
  • but the weird things just keep piling up with peter.
  • he rushes off at random times, freezes whenever she asks him where he’s going, shows up to school with cuts and bruises looking like he’s been fighting in an underground boxing ring. she even saw him go into the chemistry lab the other day at lunch time even though they both took chemistry last year and he’s taking biology now.
  • he just does really weird things sometimes and michelle can’t help but notice.
  • michelle also can’t help but notice that spiderman is becoming more and more popular. people sell t-shrits, masks, shot glasses, tote bags. everything, basically. and maybe one day michelle might spend a little too much time looking at a t-shirt with a picture of spiderman in all his toned, muscly glory. but she just shakes her head and keeps moving.
  • she gets curious about him, though. where did he come from? who is he? why is he doing this? why did he sound oddly familiar in DC when he saved her friends?
  • and then one day she’s walking home from school after academic decathlon and she missed the bus which is totally her fault for staying later after practice to chat with peter and ned about the upcoming weekend and how their plans to construct a lego version of the starship enterprise were so utterly boring she could barely stand to listen to them. (and weren’t people supposed to choose star wars or star trek? was that not a thing? not that she cares about things peter likes. well, peter AND ned. anyway.)
  • she’s turning a corner when she sees someone out of the corner of her eyes. there is a man on the opposite side of the street walking several yards back from here. it could be nothing. but she’s also been taught to always be on high alert. so she grips her backpack to her body a bit tighter and walks a little faster down the street, cursing herself for not taking the more populated albeit slightly longer route home.
  • she continues down the street when she notices the man cross the street so that he’s on the same side of the road as she and at that point she just starts running. better that he thinks she’s odd if he isn’t following her than be caught if he is trying to catch her. she sprints down the street and turns another corner as she looks back to check if the man is following her and then bam. she’s on the ground, gripping the shoulder that practically crashed into a brick wall.
  • “oh my goodness, are you okay?” she sighs and looks at the owner of the panicked voice and she is left speechless. it’s…well, it’s spiderman.

Keep reading

gotham spoilers s4e1: ivy and oswald

alright i’m making this post bc it seems like not a lot of people have addressed this

i do not think ivy meant to do long-term harm to oswald or ruin his reputation.

a lot of people forget that despite looking like a full grown woman, she’s still like 14 years old mentally. teenagers can be very irrational, they hold grudges and do stupid shit (literally look at any high school drama to prove my point).

she was annoyed at how oswald treated her earlier in the episode, and it was probably built up with recent events, with oswald being super busy and frustrated. he just wanted some alone time to sort his thoughts and get his feelings out by ‘talking’ with frozen ed, and when she interrupted him of course he’s gonna say some shit bc he’s oswald and also has a very short temper. it’s obvious that ivy sees him in a ‘big brother’ kind of light, and we saw that even when they first met she absolutely hated when oswald got snippy with her and just wanted him to like her.

and also, what ivy did wasn’t inherently super bad. she turned the power off, big whup. i don’t think she fully realized the gravity of the situation and couldn’t predict the fuckin shootout that it caused, nor oswald getting sprayed with the fear toxin. she probably just figured it would leave everybody confused, ruin the party, maybe cause a scuffle.

but all in all, i really don’t think ivy’s turning on oswald. she’s a very emotion driven person and a teenager that will hold grudges and do petty shit to get back at people, especially someone like a sibling.

i’m not saying what she did was okay, for her or the writers, but i don’t think it will completely ruin the dynamic her and oswald have built.

the freak family’s still okay.

Shinya: With you helmet-less and hugging me this tightly coupled with the fact that we’re both guys, what will this look like huh? (‘ω‘ )

Guren: Shut up and slow down ಠ_ಠ


I think you all know where this comes from

We Fight, We Breakup, We Fuck, We Makeup- Derek Luh Smut

Request: Could I request an imagine with Derek where we’ve been together for 2 years and we get into a huge fight but we make up with something a bit smutty

Warnings: Cursing and I’ve never written smut before so this might be crappy 🙈😩

I was sitting at home scrolling through Instagram and checking out my Twitter mentions while watching Catfish simultaneously. I put my phone down for a couple seconds to channel surf when I hear a car pull into the driveway.

Derek’s home from the studio. Finally. Lately Derek has been going to the studio and coming back late, but I’ve always fallen asleep before he gets back. I hope there’s nothing I should be worried about.

My thoughts are soon stopped in place when I hear the keys jingle in the door it opens ever so slightly. He walks in and a gust of wind blows through the house. I’m suddenly slapped in the face by a strong scent of alcohol mixed with… weed.

Is he serious right now? We’ve talked about this shit, over and over and he thinks he can get away with it?! No. Not today. Before he sees me, I turn around and walk towards the staircase and sit on the fourth step, my feet resting on the third. Phone in hand, and ready to yell.

He closes the door behind him and stops in his tracks when he sees me sitting on the steps. “Hey baby. How are you,” Derek smiles. I look at him up and down and notice that his eyes are bloodshot red. He’s high right now.

When he notices that I don’t reply, he asks, “What’s wrong, baby?” Still ignoring his questions, I finally speak up. “Did you have fun at the ‘studio’, Derek?,” I ask putting air quotes around studio. “Um, yeah. I got a lot done today,“he lied straight through his teeth. His perfect white teeth that seemed to blind people whenever he smiled. Fuck, Y/N focus.

“Oh really, like what?,” I challenged. I wanted to catch him in his dirty ass lie. “Um, I published a song, wrote some more lyrics, and here I am.”

“Really, Derek? Because you were gone since 8 tonight and currently it’s 2 in the morning. You’re trying to tell me that it took you 6 hours to write a couple songs and publish one? Do you think I’m stupid Derek?,” I ranted standing up on the stairs from getting angry.

“Okay, I’m gonna need you to chill because you’re raising your voice.” Was I raising my voice? I didn’t even notice.

I stepped down that stairs and made my way over to Derek, bringing his clothes towards my nose. Just to show him that I knew he was lying. I look up at him and I see he has a worried expression on his face.

“Huh, smells a little familiar don’t you think? The perfect mix of alcohol and oh what’s that? Weed?,” I say with anger and irritation laced in my voice. “So Derek, is the studio your final answer because I caught you in a damn lie and right now I’m very aggravated.”

He stays silent.“That’s what I thought. You know what Derek, I am so fucking tired of you always lying to me! I’m over it,” I say raising my voice. Yeah, I noticed this time.

“Woah, what do you mean always lying to you? When have I ever lied to you, Y/N?,” Derek asked raising his voice to same level as I did.

“Hmm,” I pretended to think. “How about the fact that you told me you were going to the studio when in reality you went to the club, you promised you’d stop smoking but look at where we are right now and let’s not forget - -.” He cut me off,“OK hold up, who said I smoked weed. You’re always assuming shit, and it’s getting on my fucking nerves,” he yelled at the top of his weed filled lungs. He can’t fool me.

“Oh, I’m assuming shit? Derek, your eyes are bloodshot red, you smell like fucking weed. I’m so done with your shit,” I say walking up the stairs. I get into our shared bedroom, grab my Adidas duffel bag and start stuffing my shit in there.

I jump up in fear when I feel snake their way around my waist. As soon as my brain proceses that it’s Derek, I immediately shake him off of me considering I was still pissed at him. “C'mon babe it was one blunt,” Derek whined. “So you did lie, you’re a fucking, ugh,” I grunted being too angry to finish my sentence.

“Come on, Y/N, we’ve been together for 2 fucking years and you want to leave just because I smoked a blunt tonight,” Derek protested. “It’s not even that Derek,” I say turning around. “It’s the fact that you promised me you’d stop smoking and you went behind my back and still did it. You probably even smoked this whole week, but got away with it because I fell asleep before you got back. So you know what, yes I am leaving,” I say ever so calmly and turning back around to finish packing my stuff.

I’m almost done packing when I am pulled from behind and spun around. I feel pain in my back when I am slammed against the wall with two hands on each side of my body.

I am confused as to what’s going on when I hear Derek whisper,“ I guess now I have to fuck you to remind you how good I am when I’m high.” I almost moan at his words. He moves his lips down to my neck and starts kissing it roughly. I can tell there going to be hickies there in the morning.

Derek continues his actions until I moan. He whispers in my ear again,“Bounce.” I jump up and wrap my legs around Derek’s waist.

Let’s just say we had a lot of fun that night. Maybe I’ll let Derek keep smoking weed.

A/N: Thanks you guys so much for reading. This was requested by the lovely lady: almoststupendousparadise. I love you guys and I’ll talk to y'all soon ✌️🤘👋

Good Girl CH 1: Tequila and Bad Decisions

Chapter 2, CH 3CH 4, CH 5. CH 6, CH 7, CH 8, CH 9, CH 10, CH 11, CH 12 CH 13, CH 14, CH 15, CH 16, CH 17, CH 18, CH 19, CH 20, CH 21, CH 22, CH 23, CH 24, CH 25

I scan the crowd of both Asians and Americans but regardless of races I can say confidently that they are all pretty shady. My eyes go to my grinning friend Jihyo, who has somehow convinced me to come to a very nice club that just happens to be crawling with creeps. Some of her other friends had told her how amazing the club, EXO, was but seem to forget that you have to either look really slutty or really rich to get in. That is how I ended up having to take off my jacket and stockings and now have to stand in line in the freezing cold in nothing but a tight leather skirt and one of Jihyo’s crop tops that could pass for a bra. She is in a similar skimpy out fit, but she is actually wearing her only pair of shorts like that which meant I had to wear the skirt.

“How much longer?” I groan as I begin jogging in place, something I found easy in her five-inch heels.

She rolls her fake green eyes at me, “We haven’t been waiting that long.”

“It’s been an hour. What are they waiting for?” I glance down the line toward the closed doors.

“I thought you didn’t wanna come?” She teases with a confident grin.

I scoff at her, “I still don’t, it just happens to be better than freezing my ass off out here.”

“Maybe if you go shake it up there we can get in.” She gestures to the large bouncer standing outside the main door.

“Fuck that, I would much rather fuck Hoseok to get in,” Jihyo grins at the mention of her friend that works in the club and also happens to have a massive crush on me.

“Would you please? I offered but he didn’t believe me that you would follow threw.”

I glare at her, “You offered what?”

“Your precious virginity,” She grins at me evilly.

“Ugh don’t say stuff like that.”

She continues to tease me, “What, can’t handle the truth that you’re a 17 year old virgin?”

“Not all of us can be lucky enough to lose their virginity in a school bathroom when we were 14,” I snap back. She just grins at my mean words. “I can’t believe that you offered my virginity to some guy to get into a club,” I pause as I rethink my words, “That’s a lie, I expect nothing less from you.”

“I learned my bitchiness from you.”

“I’m giving this place five more minutes than I’m leaving, with or without you.”

She fakes hurt, “You would leave me to get drunk at a club by myself?”

“Yes, what will you do without someone to take care of your drunken self?” I pat the younger girl’s head.

Just then the doors to the club opened and the bouncer starts weeding through the people lined up in front of him. I’m not surprised when lots of the guys or undeniably less attractive girls start getting denied and pushed out of the line as others get to go inside. When it’s our turn to be checked out, again, I’m not surprised when the bouncer waves us in without as much of a glance at the fake IDs we worked hard to get, though I understand why. Jihyo is an undeniable beauty with her long raven locks and perfect doll like face. With the body of a fitness goddess and legs for miles, I have always envied her 5’6 height. Standing at a small 5 foot but thankfully 5’5 in heels, I’m still dwarfed next to the beautiful girl. Though I won’t admit it out loud I’m quiet a looker myself.

Being from a Korean father and a mother who is a mutt herself I was lucky enough to inherit some very good qualities from different races. The nice curves and wavy locks that I received from my dark skinned mom seem to fit my cat like eyes I got for my dad. Though I also got my short height from my dad’s side of the family too. My hair is a blend of them, giving me perfect loose, black waves that hang daintily against my back.

“Jooyoung!” Jihyo brings me out of my thoughts to have me gawk at the massive club with her. The bar is to the left; circle booths line two of the other walls while the huge DJ booth takes up most of the other wall. Lights flash as the music blares through the massive speakers making it hard to hear what Ji is trying to say to me. Realizing that I can’t hear a word she is saying she just nods her head in direction of the bar. I follow, our hands locked together to make sure we don’t loose each other in the thick crowd. Once we reach the bar Ji manages to find an empty stool that she quickly places me on. She stands close behind me, her hands resting on the bar, locking me in and all the others out. Even though I’m older Ji is taller and a little bit bigger than me, something that has made her a little over protective, though I don’t really need it in places like this. Even though she is always the one bringing me to them and the trouble along with her.

“Four shots of tequila!” She yells to the hot bartender, who grins at us. Farther down behind the bar we see none other than Hoseok busy mixing drinks and flirting with customers. So different from his normal cutesy self, he seems so much hotter with his hair pushed back and a sly smirk on his face.

“Damn,” I accidently say out loud. Ji follows my eyes and grins. That grin stays as the bartender places the four shots in front of us. Giving me two and keeping two for her self, Ji raises the first one and holds it up to me expectantly. I hold my little glass to hers’.

“To getting drunk!” She clinks our glasses and moves to drink but stops as I begin downing mine, “And to getting layed!” With that she does hers’ in one go like me. We both slam the shot glass back down on the counter, grimacing as the awful liquid burns its way down our throats. I glare at her little add in to our toast.

“I’ll sleep with someone when I want to!”

“Who said it was for you? I need some fun too, it’s been way to long.” She teases as she rests her head on my shoulder, grabbing her other shot and, again, holding it up to mine. “How about to you just doing something that will get you out of your funk and make you that happy go lucky girl I met in elementary?”

I give her a soft smile, clinking our glasses and down the shot. “Four more!”

“That’s what I’m talking about!”

“I’m so going to regret this in the morning.”

“Oh shut up, when was the last time you got actually drunk? You are the best person to be around when your drunk, you’re just so cute and friendly.”

“I turn into a child. That’s not how I want to be in a public area with creepy guys all over the place.”

“You’re a step a head of most since those killer instincts seem to keep working threw your buzz. I wouldn’t question anything if Freddy Kruger himself came up and offered me a ride home. But you, you can see threw the best con man after downing a bottle of tequila.”

“It’s a gift.”

“One of few,” She tease as she holds up a shot, “To me becoming a better judge of character and to you becoming more careless. I’m tired of being the only one walking up in a stranger’s bed.”

As more and more shots are downed and things wrong with my life are listed I have never been so grateful but so annoyed with this girl at the same time. She is the only person I share anything with, the only person who even somewhat knows what’s going on in the mess I call my head. But as she stands there telling me all the things I should be worried about or work on I get kind of angry. After having enough shots for now, I pull the tall girl to the dance floor with me, hoping to shut her pretty mouth up. We dance like there is no tomorrow, forgetting all that is troubling us; actually I seem to be the only one with troubles.

As hours fly by of dancing and more shots here and there my mind begins to fog. I stop caring about the unknown hands that grope me, too focused on my high and the music. My feet are numb and my legs feel like jello but I some how continue to stay on my feet. Jihyo is a grinning mess in front of me, twirling around and stumbling every few minutes. It has been along time since I’ve felt this good, this free, like nothing could ever hold me back. Jihyo would have usually abandoned me by this time and I would take that as an okay to find a way home but not tonight. I am no one’s babysitter tonight!

Suddenly the crowd starts moving toward the DJ stand, they all huddle, trying to see something that must be pretty interesting. Being the nosy girl she is, Ji tries to drag me along with the rest of the crowd to find out what is going on. I try to pull her away from the gawking people, knowing whatever it is, it can’t be good.

Running away isn’t a possibility with Ji trying to pull me the other way and the crowd pulling me as a whole. As my instincts scream at me to run, the sound of gunshots can heard above the music. The pull of the crowd towards the noise is gone as people try to avoid the bullets that are flying in every direction. My eyes scan the crowd, seeing at least a dozen people on the floor either crying out for help or already dead. Blood covers the almost empty dance floor. Without another thought I start dragging Jihyo to the bathroom as the rest of the crowd breaks out in a panic as they all drunkenly scramble to the front door. Some how through my very drunken state I’m able to maneuver Jihyo and myself through the small bathroom window, out into the empty alleyway. The cold nips at my cheeks as the wind blows it’s freezing air around us.

Jihyo lands on her butt, “Ya! That hurt!” She whines loudly.

“Shut up you idiot!” I scan the alley for anyone else who exited the club, finding a van waiting. On the other side of a massive garbage bin the back door to the club busts open. A long line of extremely attractive guys strut out, the last one, who is taller than the rest, has something large, and strangely human shaped, hanging over his shoulder. I slam Jihyo and myself up against the wall and pry that they don’t see us. To be completely honest, I couldn’t careless about my own safety but Jihyo has so much to live for, I don’t want to risk her life.

“Joo-ah!” She calls out drunkenly, drawing the attention of the last of the men.

God dammit you dumb bitch! I love you, but you dumb bitch! I scream in my head as I hear their footsteps coming our way. In a desperate moment I whisper an apology as I punch her across the face, knocking the drunk girl out easily. Quickly I throw the stray trash bags on top of her, hiding her from who ever is coming. I’m crouching down next to where I’m hiding her, behind the garbage bin when someone comes rushing down the alley way on my side. The person stops when he sees the group of men coming his way. I can easily see the terror on the poor man’s face as he reaches one of the over hanging lights just a few feet away from me.

My heart stops when another gunshot rings out in the alley. I watch as the man drops to his knees, clutching his stomach his eyes drift away from his killers to me. The anxiety building up in my chest almost bursts when the gun fires again, this time hitting the man’s forehead, making him collapse, his eyes never leaving mine. But as if my heart knows what is to come it pounds harder than I’ve ever felt it before, as the footsteps continue toward us.

The suspense of them finding me begins to annoy me. My chest is hurting from the tightness of my anxiety and my thighs don’t appreciate being stuck in a low wall sit for this long. But it finally happens. A man dressed in all black stands over the body for a minute before crouching down and going through his pockets. He pulls out the dead man’s wallet and flips it open, automatically finding something that makes him sigh.

“Poor bastard had a family. What a shame, should watch wear he wanders.” The man mumbles to himself, dropping the wallet on the man’s chest. I debate on whether I’m a horrible person or not for not busting out in tears at the fact an innocent man was just murdered in front of me and that I could possibly next. The low amount of empathy I normally have for people seems to have reached an all time low when I realize how I feel absolutely nothing for the dead man in front of me.

But instead I study the killer. He looks young, but from the way he carries himself I feel as if he must be older. In a nice suit, which was obviously made for him, he is extremely handsome. The uncaring expression on his child like face tells me this is something he has done many times before, something that should disturb me more than is does. Just as he is about to stand up he pauses, his eyes not really focused on anything. I resist the urge to scream as he tilts his head and his cat like eyes find me. “Hello there baby girl,” The cat man purrs with a threating yet attractive smile.

supergirl 2x18 promo

hello karamel fam i don’t mean to cause some panic but the next episode’s promo is… well, you be the judge

here we see mon-el and kara looking *shocked* while staring at a computer and in a place that strangely looks like lena luthor’s office

and then here we see kara and mon-el in a car (for god knows what reason, maybe playing spy??) but you can clearly only see mon’s glasses

aND THEN we see a car blow up (the promo playing it as if it’s on instagram’s boomerang feature) and it wouldn’t look suspicious at all

if it weren’t for the fact that the last scene in the promo, it shows kara looking horrified, her shirt looking like it caught on fire, making her suit underneath visible

and i mean we all know mon-el’s here to stay bUT???? make of that if you will

[Therapy]

Therapist!Negan x Reader 

A/N: Ugh I’m a shitty person, I am so sorry this is late! Something unexpected came up today which delayed my editing >.< Thank you to the beautiful @noodlecupcakes for tagging me in your awesome challenge! Your prompts were freaking awesome xx I hope you guys enjoy this  ¯\(°_o)/¯ Shoutout to @to-pick-ourselves-up-7 for helping me out during my rut & listening to me vent out my struggles <333 love you! xx 

Tags: SMUT – TW: attempted sexual assault, and suicide, inappropriate doctor/patient relationship ~ 

(gif by @mypapawinchester

•••

Tick, tock, tick, tock… 

You glanced over towards the large window, watching the sun set in the distance. Stepping away from the shelf, you effortlessly glided over and placed both your hands against the cold glass, soaking in the aerial view of the city below. The sky had painted your pinstriped skater dress orange, while it’s rays bounced off the delicate golden chain around your neck. 

You focused in on the coordinated movements of speedy cars driving between the intersections of the busy streets. Your lips curved into a half smile; from up here the view was beautiful but drop yourself down and you knew you would be stuck in the maddening chaos of rush hour. 

After six months of spending your evenings in this meticulously neat office, you wouldn’t have expected yourself to admit that you found this space cathartic. When you were here, you weren’t suffering from the misery of your loneliness because at least there was someone else around with you. 

Keep reading

Distraction

pairing: klaus mikaelson x reader, past matt donovan x reader

word count: 2462

a/n: not a request xx


You were tired.

That’s the excuse you had used, at least.

Tired and drunk.

You two had been talking for so long. His presence had filled you with a sense of content, his voice lulling you into warm sleepiness. You had no idea how many drinks he’d bought you. You knew it had surprised him, you initiating the kiss, and you’d like to say that you surprised yourself, but that wasn’t exactly the truth.

Keep reading

( ´ ▽ ` )ノ  ✧・゚: *✧・゚:* *:・゚✧*:・゚.

Aranya belongs to @yurarat

Black Friday belongs to me

Random Starters!

Send one! Change pronouns to suit muse. 

  • “Does your masochism extend to an enjoyment of being put in your place like the little bitch you are?”
  • “I’m going to furiously shit lava onto your phone if you text me another three hundred Japanese emoji.”
  • “What the fuck is swiping left and swiping right? I don’t fucking swipe anything, fuck that subtle shit. If I see it I take it and I don’t give a FUCK who’s looking, it’s mine.“
  • “I was using my Grandma’s computer and the last three searches on google were for the price of rat poison, some quotes on cheep funerals, and what the best dating sites are. Should I be worried about Grandpa?”
  • “Once I get paid that Hello Kitty Assault Rifle is MINE.”
  • “Godzilla must have a dick the size of a Winnebago, but we never get to see it? COME-ON TOHO COMPANY, GIVE US THE BUS SIZED LIZARD DICK”
  • “I am a gift from god himself, a treasure amongst you heathens, and I deserve to be fed as such.”
  • “Some people just, eat onions? Like they’re apples? Like they take a fucking bite out of an onion like it’s nothing? How do you fuck up as a person like that?”
  • “How do you super glue a four generation family tree back to its stump? Asking for a friend. His name is Redwood.”
  • “Nobody invited me out, which is too bad for them because my presence is a grace upon your otherwise lifeless existences.”
  • “You commit so much property damage when you’re drunk we should just call you Hurricane Fuckface.”
  • “You ever see a cake so beautiful you wanna fuck it? That’s how I felt when I ate my first phallic cake.”
  • “Having the flu isn’t an excuse to lay around all day sniffling. You know what would make you feel better? Infecting complete strangers, that’s what. Let’s go bowling!!”
  • “I!! Am not!! A person!! NO!!!”
  • “My friend tried to pull the ‘dick in the box’ joke on me, and then I kicked it. Now he’s in the hospital.”
  • “I tried to fuck an apple pie like in that one movie. It was pretty nice, until the next day when I found out I had a yeast infection.”
  • “Good morning. The cat took a shit in your shoes. Both of them. What do you want for breakfast?”
  • “Eat my food again and I’ll fling you into the sun by your ankles.”
  • “Girl, are you a plasma screen TV? Cause you be MAKING UP MOST OF THE ELECTRICITY BILL. FOUR HUNDRED DOLLARS? WHAT’S EVEN PLUGGED IN IN YOUR ROOM?”
  • “You know someone who’s like, sort of ugly, sort of okay looking, but then their personality just pushes it over the edge and they’re just ugly? That’s you.”
  • “Here lies your reputation, in the trash next to the empty bear bottles and a dead raccoon.”
  • “Yeah asshole, reading my diary was EXACTLY the key to mending our relationship.”
  • “Ever since I let you borrow my laptop, Google won’t stop giving me ads for ammonia in bulk and empty storage lots nearby. What exactly were you doing last weekend?”

I used to get upset and angry when people didn’t treat me the way I treated them. When I’d be there for friends but they left me in my time of need, when I gave people so much of my love and time and they didn’t reciprocate. I felt drained and frustrated. But now I’ve realised, it’s so freeing when you no longer expect anything from people. Do good, treat others well, love people even though you may get nothing in return. Life is about what you give, not what you receive.