Since the Dadquisition post is taking off, I feel like I should put in “Dad Age: Origins”
Oghren is “better at braiding hair than all the parents of your classmates combined, once successfully built a deck while shotgunning beers (how?!?), saw you through the worst of your anime phase and validated your interests and ended up watching anime himself,” Dad.
Sten is “responded with ‘Obviously’ when you came out to him, primarily expresses affection and concern via copious baking, gave you a single thumbs-up when you were in the school play and you never felt more proud in your life,” Dad.
Zevran is “sang to you a LOT when you were a baby and still kind of mindlessly sings when you’re in the same room, always says ‘who’s that? They were cute’ when he picks you up from school and sees you talking to someone, taught you to swim when you still didn’t have walking 100% down yet, slips between two different languages while lecturing you,” Dad.
Alistair is “kept falling asleep while reading to you and your siblings, accidentally calls you by your siblings’ (And occasionally the dog’s) names, cheers louder than anyone else at your softball games, ‘breakfast-for-dinner,’” Dad.
That’s the seven-story ConAgra grain mill, and it was detonated by 7-year-old Make-A-Wish kid named Max. Make-A-Wish flew Max and his family from California to the small town of Huron, Ohio, just so he could push the big, red button. And that was only the culmination of days filled with explosive fun, because Max also prepared for the demolition by watching tons of videos of buildings being destroyed, helped place the dynamite into the building’s support columns, and even got to take the local bomb squad’s remote-controlled robot for a spin, yelling, “Fire in the hole!” before remotely shotgunning a root beer bottle.
About 30,000 locals showed up to watch the explosion, because what else is there to do in Huron, Ohio? Oh, and apparently some believe that the ConAgra building was haunted, so it’s possible that meddling Max blew up a ghost.
Plain and simple, whether you believe that Ian can be happy with Caleb or not, Caleb will never ever live up to Mickey. Caleb will never shotgun beers with Ian in a dugout. Caleb will never try to steal a grandfather clock because Ian asked him to. Caleb will never try to avenge Ian by drugging someone who crossed him. Caleb will never punch a mirror because the physical pain is easier to deal with than the emotional pain of missing Ian when he’s gone. Caleb will never bend over and ask a woman to pound his ass because he’s too scared to hook up with another guy. Caleb will never hump a cop car while screaming about how good Ian’s dick is. Caleb will never make fans feel the same way that Mickey did.
PSA from the victim of a hit-and-run by a drunk driver:
Please don’t drink and drive tonight. I don’t care if you think you’re fine, if you’ve had anything to drink please do not get behind the wheel. Please don’t get into a car with someone who’s been drinking. The drunk driver that hit me when I was walking home over a year ago thought he was good to drive. He hit me going 105km/hr after shotgunning eight beer. He was not good to drive, and he refused to listen to his friends telling him. Listen to your friends. Think about waking up tomorrow a murderer, or the reason someone will never walk again, or not waking up tomorrow at all. Please stay safe, my little bumblebees.
(rubbing my hands together) where’s my r1 college au where cassian is in the acapella group and serenades bodhi outside his window and chirrut says “hold my beer” before roundkicking people in the face and baze shotguns like 6 beers and walks into the wall
INFP: Steals a book. The guilt eats away at them until they wake up at midnight and leave the book outside the bookstore with $20 and a tearful apology note.
INFJ: Steals a book. The guilt eats away at them silently, and their friends notice they are always clutching their heart. 7 years later, INFJ confesses to their sin and rips open their shirt, revealing an “A” carved into their chest, before dying as a martyr for human inadequacy. The “A” stands for “asshole,” they say.
ENFP: Steals a book because Kerouac would approve!
ISFJ: “I would never.” Gets in with the wrong crowd and participates in teenage stealing shenanigans. ISFJ, naturally, is the only one who gets caught.
ESTP: Is the bad influence friend. Is perfectly happy guzzling the stolen beer until they realize something isn’t right. Proceeds to break ISFJ out of jail and teach them how to shotgun a beer in the moonlight. <3
ENTP: Makes plan to steal THE MOON. Enters wrong shipping address when ordering rocket parts from amazon. By the time they realize the parts never came, they’re already over it.
INTJ: Steals ENTP’s plans, successfully steals the moon, caught after running into a poll when fleeing police.
ESTJ: Is the police. Steals a donut from Bob in accounting because that guy is an asshole. Also they were hungry.
ISTP: Steals the donut from ESTJ’s mouth. How did they do it???
ESFJ: Steals underwear from Victoria’s Secret. Is caught on the way out of the store, but talks their way into getting off punishment free with the underwear as a free gift for their trouble.
ENTJ: Steals control of the nation. When did ENTJ become Supreme Leader again? People aren’t sure. Hasn’t it always been that way?
ESFP: Steals your heart and loses it a few days later. At least they found their car keys!
ISFP: Steals your heart and proceeds to break it. Unfortunately for you, there are no returns on damaged goods.
ENFJ: Steals your identity. After a few weeks of knowing them, you notice ENFJ has adopted your mannerisms and chameleoned themself to your personality. They just want to be the best friend they can be, they explain.
INTP: Steals a first edition Avengers comic, not because they don’t have the money, but because they’re too lazy to walk to the register.
ISTJ: “WHY DOES EVERYONE KEEP STEALING FROM ME???”