shopping disorder

Guide to Bpd: #4


  • A friend that I can go out with.
  • A lover who actually gives a fuck about what I am going through.
  • A will to live.
  • Stable mood.
  • Chill pill for my anxiety.
  • Hopes and dreams.
  • A point to all this mess.
  • Belief.
  • Self esteem
  • Self care
  • Self control (at the aisle next to the lamps)
  • Around 1 kg peace (for my life)
  • A will to live
  • Anti-paranoia cream.
  • Clean-Your-Room™ energy drink.
  • GO-Out 2: Coffee Shop™
  • Ask if they have a refill for “Ability To Read Books™”
  • A pen and notebook to actually write down those billion ideas on your head.
  • Healthy Food™
  • A will to live
  • A very very large trash can for the Toxic:People, Ideas, and All the Jazz™
  • People that does not require you to “change”
  • An actual helpful therapist
  • A will to live
  • Optional: If it is cheap enough, get a auto-pan that hits you everytime you try to say something dumb. Or just speak. (If not, remember to look out for discounts)
Autism sensory dolls?

So, my mom and I came up with this idea for autism sensory dolls that we could make and sell. They’d probably be fairly reasonable in price and they’re be designed by an autistic person (me!) for autistic people!

They’d be weighted dolls with “customizable” features. You could request small pieces of clothing like vests and shirts or necklaces or tiny hats on the dolls and you could choose things like colors and possibly patterns. You could have things like buttons or beads on them or maybe shines fabrics. Just things like that. There’d be different sizes and they (to me) sound like a perfect sensory toy! They would actually be something I’ve wanted to make for a long time but now I have someone to make it a reality with.

This wouldn’t be happening soon I don’t think but it’s something that’ll definitely be happening eventually. So my main question is: does that sound appealing? Sound like something you’d buy or use? Make sure to tell me! I’m really excited for this to be a thing because I thought they could be customized to relate to your special interest! I want our first tester one to be a Halloween related one for me!

Anyways! Please signal boost this if you can! I want as many people to hear about it as possible!

Just dissociative shopping things

That feel when you are in the grocery store and you’re like: who wrote that list? I don’t even like milk.
That feel when someone asks if your ok because you’re staring for minutes at a shelf.
That feel when you’re so stressed that you can’t even stand being in the store and want to run home.
That feel when you’re like: what am I doing here and you figure out that you’re shopping cause you’re smart.
That feel when you come home and have no idea what’s in your bag and you’re like: how to cook a meal with just candy?

I’m gonna couch this “OCD really sucks sometimes” sentiment in a much more positive “check out this awesome coping thing” PSA instead. Cool?

Okay, so, with extreme handwashing and the end of summer comes the inevitable cracking and bleeding of dry skin. Since “just stop washing your hands so much” is the Rock to my Sisyphus, I’ve relied on hand lotions instead.

Now I’ve tried it all. Most hand lotions I try during the day, even if I only apply to the backs of my hands, instantly make me want to wash again so I’m almost completely limited to repairing my hands at night. Curel, Eucerin, Dove, St. Ives, (the list goes on) all wash off easily the next day but they don’t do a great job healing the stubborn cuts. The heavyweights like Udder-ly Smooth, Burt’s Bees Almond Milk Beeswax Hand Cream, and even Cocoa Butter all work great at deep moisturizing but they cling so much that I end up spending the next morning scrubbing it off my hands with dish detergent which totally defeats the purpose. No good.

Then I found:

It smells like a Grandma’s powder room but a small dab on the back of the hands goes a long way and it soaks in fast so it’s great during the day and can be reapplied easily. The thing is: It’s prohibitively expensive (even when it’s on sale) and it’s only from the Body Shop so that’s a 20 minute drive at least. Also the smell is POWERFUL which can be tough for folks. Also the tube is a pain to use one-handed so sometimes you get lotion on the outside of the tube which means no more day-time use (day-time use solely consisting of applying lotion to the backs of my hands. the second my fingertips get greasy. nope. gotta wash).

Then last year when I was too broke for the rose cream and my hands were so painfully dry I could barely focus, I got this out of desperation:


Seems super duper runny and they only come in these tiny (if convenient and adorable) bottles. But let me explain you a thing.

THESE THINGS ARE AWESOME. The smell is much lighter than the rose cream. The size and shape of the bottle make it WICKED easy to keep with me during the day and apply directly to the backs of my hands without getting nasty and hand-washing-triggering goop all over the goddamn tube. And. AND. I can get them at Target or order a whole bunch from Amazon with free shipping. It’s got a soapy smell but that’s kinda my jam anyway and since I can reapply during the day, I’m FAR less likely to get those wicked deep grand canyon cuts that bleed everywhere. (Although I found using neosporin on those at night actually does help, even though they’re from hand-washing). Plus, PLUS, they’re very ungreasy feeling to begin with and when I do inevitably wash my wands, the lotion washes away completely. No waxy residue, no grimy feeling. No. None. Gone. It’s not quite as effective at moisturizing as the rose cream but for all its other benefits, I’m willing to reapply.

So yeah. If you have dry skin from extreme hand-washing and most lotions trigger more washing, I highly highly recommend the EOS hand lotion pebble thinger.

Why do people like clothes shopping?

In the unlikely event of me spotting something that doesn’t look like sensory hell and is also vaguely attractive I then have to brave the fitting rooms. 

They are tiny and I get claustrophobic in them and paranoid that people can see me and taking clothes on and off is really hard with all the buttons and zips which always get stuck or jam. 

Then it’s too small or too tight or looks wrong and I have to get another and begin all over again. And even if it’s okay I’m never convinced I like it enough to fork out all that money for it. And buying stuff involves talking to the over friendly cashiers….

And it goes on forever. And shops play such loud music. And there are so many people everywhere. 

And by the time I get home about four hours later there’s no way I have enough spoons for anything else

But everyone else always seems to be doing it..      

Is this just me?

The Germanwings co-pilot was believed to have depression - and how have the media responded? Badly. Looking at the headlines today, it appears to be a massive step back for mental health. Telling the public that people with depression shouldn’t be allowed jobs takes away from, on average, the 25% of the population that have a mental health problem. Many of these people are functioning members of society. Mental health problems aren’t badges, you might not even know that the doctor you see has depression or the shop assistant has bipolar disorder or the waitress has anorexia or the teacher has schizophrenia. You don’t know what someone’s going through and it’s unfair to label an entire population based on one person’s actions.

Addressing mental health stigma is a fight that is undertaken every minute of every day and, whilst those experiencing mental health problems make the best of it, the majority are not criminals. They don’t want to hurt people. In fact, some would rather hurt themselves than ‘burden’ other people with their problems. Having this stereotype of a mad, murderous villain projected across the newspapers is damaging. It takes a lot to undo damage like that and goodness knows how many people it will upset, who have mental health problems or know someone that does, and then have to deal with the hatred that is a result of these words in the media. We need to think about what we’re reading and remember that people with mental health problems live in society, we interact with them every day. They are people. We are people. We should live in unison with each other and not be stereotyped because of the actions of a minority.

First Disorder – Kylo Ren Aesthetic

And out here on the borderline it feels a lot like forever
You’ll all be dead if this machine turns art into routine

– Knifeman, The Bronx

Read the first installment of the First Disorder series here:
When the Punks Burned Down the Shopping Mall

First Disorder Trio [x]  Phasma [x]  Hux [x]

Clarification on self-diagnosis: Some people can’t see a therapist (money, safety, comfort, or any other reason), or can’t trust the therapist they have. Because some therapists straight-up don’t believe in some mental illnesses. (My therapist at my old school was convinced I couldn’t POSSIBLY be experiencing worse depression symptoms while on Prozac.)

Clarification on “100 different mental disorders”: It’s SUPER FUCKING SCARY to feel like you have so many things “wrong” with you. I’ve been experiencing that a lot this year. I keep feeling like a hypochondriac because I keep finding all these disorders that explain the experiences I’ve had ever since I was a child. But it’s not that I’m making them up - it’s that I really HAVE had this many disorders (I call them my “shopping list” of disorders), and I’ve had them all my life, I just never knew they existed until now. Because people started talking about them, and I was able to do research.

I never would have known to bring up my issues with arithmetic and maps and measurements to a therapist. Why would I? I didn’t know dyscalculia existed, so why would I have mentioned my symptoms of it? I figured it out because I did research after I saw a word I didn’t recognize. I read through the list of symptoms. Realized I had almost all of them. Figured it out.

And it’s SO IMPORTANT that I did that, because otherwise, I would have continued going through my life thinking I was just dumb.