Guest Advice: How To Get Girls On Twitter (or How To Not Be A Douchebag)

by Kenshiro88

Something that everyone wants to do is get girls. Girls are fun and great companions, but most importantly, love to play hard to get when you want them the most. To be successful at scoring the best ones, you have to start at the source of girls: the Internet. Your online persona (be it Twitter, Facebook, videogame console username, etc.) should probably be named after some sort of powerful figure from history with a tough sounding nickname. Tough is hot. 

Genghis “The Mighty” Khan    

“Vlad the Impaler”

Make sure you only follow hot girls. Because following dudes is NOT cool. Definitely reply to their tweets, often, with opinionated and subtle chauvinist remarks because initiating intelligent conversations is pretty much for losers. I mean, why engage in a pointless debate when your intellect is clearly superior to theirs? After about 3 or 4 months of tweeting @ them, that is considered sufficient enough to let them know that you are totally digging their mind and they will melt from the flattery of you asking them out. Several times. This works EVERY. SINGLE. TIME. So feel free to use it often, and don’t worry about rejection. It can’t happen, because you aren’t one of those douchebags!

Guest Advice: Constipation

by urdnotbonkers

It seems you’re looking for some shitty advice. Probably because you’re constipated, but no worries friend, you’ve come to the right place.

See, when you’re constipated, it’s usually because you’re clogged up in the plumbing, to be frank. Pills and laxatives just won’t do the trick, because they’re attacking the problem from the wrong side. It will never reach the clog, because the fudge factory’s produce will interfere with your laxative’s course. You need to go in the backdoor, and poke around until you find the clogged section. Once you do, though, be sure to have a toilet nearby and ready, in case you find the clog, and your Chocolate Wonderfall† needs a fountain to contain itself.

† copyright Golden Corral

Once your drain is unclogged, you’ll be painting the walls of your toilet with a beautiful brown shower in no time. Now that’s what I call, “Shitty Advice”.


Do you believe in the supernatural? Aliens? If you don’t, what I’m going to say may seem OUT OF THIS WORLD. 

Every time you see the number 24, the reason it elicits a response where you need to urinate is due to aliens CONDITIONING you for that response! While asleep, aliens teleported into your room, shoved your unconscious body into a bag, and teleported you back to their ship where the aliens performed experiments. But “WHY??” you may ask. You see, aliens HATE the show “24.”

Remember that one time when the hot chick turned out to be a TERRORIST??! Yeah, fuck that. That pissed off aliens so much.

Jack Bauer is sexy. TOO sexy. He’s a sexy man who takes down terrorists and in a day’s work. There’s no way someone can do that much shit in only 24 hours. Also, anyone remember when this guy was a vampire? 

Jack Bauer definitely ate some guy’s neck in an episode.

So, you’re telling me that this guy can get dressed/ready, tortured, escape, hotwire a car, find more terrorists, torture more terrorists, and make some phone calls along the way ALL IN 24 HOURS?? 

Wait–did you want advice?