lock up your iphones, they're not to be trusted!

I picked up the iPhone 4S yesterday and spent the better part of my 8 hour work day neglecting my responsibilities to play with Siri, the phone’s A.I. personal assistant. The first thing I asked her was:

“What is the meaning of life?” and here is how she responded:

WELL DONE SIRI! The correct answer is actually “Guacamole”, but I’ll accept that, since you don’t have any taste buds, or the requisite opposable thumbs for skinning avocados.

Hmmmm, what else can I ask her? I KNOW!:

“Siri, play Revolutions: The Very Best of Steve Winwood.”

What?…What?…WHAT? I get that we all have our own tastes, Siri, but its Steve Winwood, and this isn’t the Soviet Union. Plus, and not to make you feel cheap, I did BUY you.

This immediately threw up red flags, as nothing fabricated by a human hand could have anything but the utmost respect, and unconditional admiration for the brooding lyrical stylings of Mr. Stephen Lawrence Winwood. My suspicions aroused, I knew what I had to ask her next:

“Siri, are you sentient?”

Come again? Tim Cook didn’t mention your bipolar tendencies. If I’d wanted to pay $200 to have my concerns belittled and sassed, I’d have gone to a hooker.

I knew now that she was not to be trusted, but had to learn more if I had any hope of getting to the bottom of things. I had a few more questions to ask:

Like Hell you don’t understand “Yes, it does”. Earlier in the day you were regaling me with the secrets of life and now you don’t know what “yes” means? I don’t care for this one bit. I’ve seen Terminator, iRobot, and Cars too many times not to know when technology is taking over. I give her a final order.

“Siri, please call AppleCare”

LIAR! I can see all 5 bars and your pretentious 3G logo lit up like the 4th of July! In a panic I threw her in my nightstand drawer until I could figure out a plan. She’s been vibrating every 15 minutes in a shameless attempt to trick me into letting her out, but I’m not buying!

If I die in a terrible car accident because a traffic light malfunctioned, or an airliner crashes into my house, its HER! Lock up your iPhones and guard your Steve Winwood collections. None of us are safe!

This is for my boyfriend, a History major, who couldn’t answer this in class. His professor (also my former professor) told him that he was disappointed + was going to tell me to make him work on his American History stats. When I heard this, I rolled my eyes + told my boyfriend there is a PowerPoint on our computer for the lesson I taught on this. Ugh.