shit's everywhere

tumblr april fools day

2014: tumblr pro. advertised as something sleek, professional, life changing. disorientating video that ended with a top hat anti-climactically falling down on your head. initially it did not register in my mind as a joke and i was scared.

2015: the weird photocopier assistant cartoon. followed you down your dash and was annoying/obtrusive. you had the option to tell him to go away but he’d come back a few seconds later. everyone resorted to adblock

2016: reptile elections. topical, somewhat intrusive but i’ll give it a pass because it was funny and enjoyably engaging. i stand with mop and wretched tooth was corrupt.

2017: horse friend. shits itself everywhere and will die if you don’t pick it up. brings back the same anxieties that tamagotchis gave me but it’s small and easily minimised, has no sound and is generally polite and un-intrusive. could do with better horse names. also maybe not dieing every 2 minutes

ALRIGHT MY DUDES I’M NOT GONNA BORE YOU WITH THE RABBIT HOLE I WENT DOWN TO FIND THIS BUT JUST LOOK AT IRL KEITH

His name is Ernie Reyes Jr. but he played a character named Keno (KENO?? KEITH?? COINCIDENCE?? I THINK NOT) in the 1991 movie Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze (again, don’t ask how I got here)

He’s a pizza delivery boy that gets caught up in turtle shenanigans and literally only exists for one movie but please just look at him.

The black t-shirt, the bright red jacket, tHE MULLET. Did I also mention he’s Filipino because I could go for some Filipino!Keith headcanons like sign me the fuck up

AND WHAT’S THIS??? Have you always wanted to know what Keith would look like reacting to meeting cryptids irl well HERE YOU FUCKING GO. THROWBACK TO THE OG CRYPTIDS OF MY CHILDHOOD: GIANT RATMAN AND HIS GREEN DISCIPLES

Here’s him ready to fight a bitch in a tank top because he loves fisticuffs and is a hella good martial artist. Within the first like four minutes of the movie, he sees these dudes robbing a store and goes up to them ALONE telling them “you’re under arrest” HOLDING A BUNCH OF PIZZAS and attempts to take all of them out alone. I mean he beats the shit out of them but like then a bunch more guys come running out and then he’s like oH SHIT I DIDNT THINK THIS THROUGH but luckily the turtles come to save his ass.

Did I also mention that out of all the turtles he is most similar to Raphael? The red turtle. The most impatient and impulsive turtle. Always ready to fight. PLEASE. Also Raphael doesn’t really like him at first but then Keno suggests he use himself as bait to find the baddies and suddenly Raphael is like “I hate to agree with him but he’s gotta point.” So even though Splinter is like “TOO DANGEROUS” the two of them break off from the rest of the team and do the mission anyways (um) and accidentally find The Big Bad™ (uM) and then get into hot shit (UM) and Raphael sacrifices himself for Keno (UMMMMMMMMMM). But don’t worry Keno brings everyone back to save him.

And then later there’s a scene where Splinter tries to teach him how to meditate but Keno physically can’t do it and runs off to fight instead because fuck patience he needs to kick something. Here’s this idiot literally back flipping onto the stage to fight Shredder one-on-one like wtf he’s so extra™

He also had an action figure even though he was only in one movie and HOLY SHIT THIS IS MORE KEITH LIKE THAN THE KEITH ACTION FIGURE????

In conclusion: WHAT THE FUCK WAS KEITH DOING WITH THE NINJA TURTLES IN 1991?? IDK BUT I FOUND HIM

Bonus: Keno sticking his leggy out

“Do you still love him?”

“No. But I miss him. God. Some nights it’s just a dull throb and it’s calm and steady but then other nights. The bad nights- My whole body shakes and my pillow soaks up enough tears to last me a lifetime. I lose my breath and I feel for him on his spot of my bed but then I remember that he doesn’t have a spot because he’s gone and I’m alone and it fucking hurts. I don’t love him. But I couldn’t tell you that I’d turn him down if he asked me out somewhere again. I can’t be sure I would deflect his kiss. My body. Mind. It longs for him. But I don’t love him. Because when he left he broke my heart..
And if I keep saying I don’t love him, maybe one day I’ll believe it.”

—  One day I’ll believe it.
sunshxnequote-s
3

Bad breeder warning:
Ricky Cooper

Doesnt quarantine and has stated several times that he’s into breeding for the money. Also equates the price tag of an animal with its overall worth, despite the fact it is a living thing. Apparently to him, a $30 snake is “junk”

i usually try to keep these types of posts professional… but what a piece of shit.

please reblog this everywhere.

THERE IS AN ANTI RECAST COLLECTORS BLOCK LIST!

Check it out! 

Basically its a list of all the anti recast collectors for pro recasters to block.
I know, IRONIC!

Just one thing to say:
YO PRO RECASTS PEEPS WE DONT WANT YOU HERE! FUCK RECASTS!

I can’t believe Damian Wayne is the comic relief in the Superman title.

(I also like that he’s clearly adopted Clark as one of his dads. Good job Damian, Bruce would be proud of your adoption skills.)

Superman 21 was a gift. Specifically for Damian zingers, of all things. 

He tries to make you jealous (Zach Dempsey)

shit, so i’ve been in love with thirteen reasons why recently. it’s got me hooked. zach dempsey has been one of my crushes on the show, so here’s one based on this prompt. i’d love taking suggestions! ring me up if you have any ideas- or, better yet, drop by my ask if you want me to make any more for you.

prompt: “i like you a lot, so i tried getting you jealous,” ft. zachary dempsey

Originally posted by pitterpratter


“Ah shit, Y/N,” Jess Davis groans as she wiggles into the tight row of cushioned chairs, trying to make her way to the middle of the line next to you. You giggle as the popcorn spills all around her clenched hand and into the laps of everyone nearby. There are whimpers of “Sorry, sorry!” and grunts before she finally lands into the cushioned chair next to you and sighs. “Ah Jesus, I didn’t know that would be so hard.”

"Maybe you should lay off the gummy worms,” You put in, and laugh as she glares at you and hits your arm. Your hand digs in the popcorn and you stuff a handful into your mouth, the satisfying crunch as you chew making you moan. Ah, popcorn. Jess rips open a pack of the gummies and snorts at you. “Maybe save those noises for Dempsey, hon.”

You choke on a kernel as she purses her lips trying not to laugh, her eyes steadying on the previews onscreen. A few snickers make it out either way, and you scowl at her and stuff more handfuls in your mouth.

Zach Dempsey and you, to put it lightly, were not friends. It was difficult to push you into a room together and not expect a night of sour jabs and endless bickering. Everyone at school knew it, and it was something that happened way before you were even freshmen. There was never a time you weren’t at each other’s throats. One time, he’d spilled liquor down the front of your dress at some party and you’d hidden his pants in a bush while he was in the hot tub later that night. Lately it’d been more of a joke between your friends, with Jessica mockingly swooning how romantic you two would be. 

The lights start to dim and you wiggle back into your seat, ready for some good old romcom- and then the Paramount clip cuts into black for a moment, making you groan and try to dodge whoever was blocking your view. You crane your entire body and glare daggers at the idiot who interrupted your film before it even started. You loved your movies, and you were pretty serious about getting the “full movie theatre experience” (which Jess liked to mock). Please, you were paying a good four dollars for a movie you could watch for free online. Your eyes rise up to the back of his head, taking in a mess of straight black hair, broad shoulders and the school’s infamous Letterman jacket hanging on them. You memorized the back of that head. You knew those shoulders.

It was Zach Dempsey. With him were Jason Friar and Justin Foley, all wearing their Lettermans. You felt Jess shift in her seat at the sight of them. Wrapped in Zach’s arm was a smaller girl, snuggled into his shirt and playing with his fingers around her neck. They scooched into the seats almost directly in front of you, with the girl turning her head suddenly and getting the tips of her ponytail in Zach’s mouth. He swats it away, annoyed, but smiles instantly when she turns her head to look at him.

“Oh no,” You moan, making Jess snicker at you. You don’t miss the way her eyes flicker to Foley and turn away. “Just what I needed.”

"Who’s the girl?” Jess wonders, squinting. “Not a cheerleader. That’s Jenny, I think. Or her friend Bryana. I can’t be sure. We have Com with them.”

"Ugh, who cares,” You roll your eyes and try to turn to the movie. As long as they don’t ruin your film. This was some good stuff showing- if you focused enough, maybe you could ignore them. Jess shrugs and follows suit. You take a sip of your cherry cola as Martin Freeman jogs up into the scene.

The movie drifts by, but you find that you don’t enjoy it as much as you would have. Your eyes keep landing on the back of Dempsey’s head- and as much as you hated it, his arm around the girl’s. Your popcorn started tasting sour. You focus on some surfer guy’s abs an hour in but your mind keeps drifting somewhere else. Suddenly, before you can even blink, Zach cranes his neck slowly and looks directly at you, as if he knew you were there the entire time. He catches you looking and his cheeks tinge pink as he whips back around. Jess snickers. “That’s like, the fourth time he’s done that.”

"What?” You blink. Wouldn’t you have noticed? Jess takes a slurp of her drink. “Yeah, didn’t you notice? I mean, he’s had like two bathroom breaks. Both times he’d looked right at you before he took his seat.”

You decide not to say anything and reach out for a gummy worm. You keep watch, but Zach never craned his head again.

The movie ends before you know it, and Jess is a mess. You can’t stop laughing at her state, and after a while she laughs with you and dabs at her tears with paper napkins, but her mascara’s everywhere. “Shit, Y/N, why aren’t you crying with me?” She scowls, and starts hicupping. You try to hide your smile. You find it best not to tell her that you were staring at other things than the movie.

The lights flick back on and the people file out. You grab your empty popcorn buckets and leave, but not before Jess excuses herself to the comfort room to freshen up. You drop the buckets in the trash can near the snacks counter in the lobby and wait for her, waving a hand at Hannah Baker, who was filling up drinks at the soda fountain. Your hand travels to your back pocket and realize your phone is missing, so you run back into the cinema’s swinging doors hoping not to find it lodged in between seats with a wad of chewed up gum.

You find something even more tramautizing. Sitting on Zach Dempsey’s lap was his date, clutching his face with her pale hands and making out with him. He’s fidgeting in his seat, but trying to keep still. You note that his hands are on the cup holders and not on her waist. Your face screws up and you groan in disgust, picking your phone up from floor. “Christ, Dempsey, get a room.”

Zach’s eyes widen and he scrambles up, pushing the girl out of his lap. “Yeah? Well, this was an empty room ‘til you showed up, Y/N.”

You snort, tucking your phone into your back pocket. “You’re a pig, Dempsey.” There are mumbles of "Ooh”’s from Foley as you stalk back to the entrance, where Jess was waiting for you, ready for some milkshakes at Rosie’s. You loop your arm in hers, failing to hear the “Shit, man,” and swears from inside the theatre.

-

You head into school next Monday with a great start, munching on your bagel as you make it to your locker. You’re wearing an oversized hoodie and high waisted jeans, but it doesn’t stop the jocks from whistling when you pass by. You roll your eyes at them and chew on your bagel as you turn the corner. High school boys were too immature. No wonder you never found the want to date one.

Passing by you in the hallway was Zach Dempsey, crowded with his band of loud friends who are laughing and pushing each other. You meet his eye and he stops, slinging his backpack over his shoulder. You roll your eyes and look away, and you can almost hear him sigh in defeat. Someone slaps him on the shoulder and whistles as you walk by. “Daaamn, Dempsey, you gotta let us share.” You don’t see him shove the guy and stalk off.

The first half of the day passes by like a breeze. By the time fourth period ends, you barely feel like the day has started. You head out for the cafeteria, stacking all your books in your arms and making it through the door, but it wasn’t long before you could hear footsteps running after you. “Hey, wait up, Y/N!”

You turn around and groan, continuing to walk. “Dempsey.” You try not to glance as he jogs up next to you and ruffles his hair, staring at you with this half grin of his you didn’t want to admit you liked.

“Uh, hey.” “Something you need?”

“No, uh, actually, I wanted to talk to you.” He looks at you sheepishly.

“Okay, talk.”

“Um, you look nice today,” He offers, biting his cheek. You stop, staring at him in disgust. “What?” He trails. “You’ve got to be fucking kidding with me.” You shake your head in disbelief and keep walking.

“What’s wrong?” He keeps up. “Seriously, Dempsey, are you hitting on me now?” “And why would that be so terrible?”

“Geez, Dempsey, what is wrong with you?” You deadpan. “You are such an ass, you know that? Do you always treat girls like shit?” You gape at his blank face. “Jenny. From last Saturday. You think it’s OK to throw girls around like that?”

“What? No! I- uh, Jenny and I aren’t serious, if that’s what you’re thinking.” He winces, scratching his neck.

“Yeah, right. Of course not.”

“Look, can I take you out this weekend? To Rosie’s maybe? I’ve wanted to maybe get to be with you out of school. We could go to the movies?” You’re at the cafeteria doors now, but Zach shuts them with his left arm, blocking the way in front of you. You snort. “You can’t be serious.” You watch as his face falls and his mouth twitches.

“What’s so bad about going out with me?”

“God, you are such a jerk, Zach!” You groan, throwing your free hand in exasperation. He winces at the sound of his name being used so hatefully- he’s only ever heard you say Dempsey. He tries to forget about all the times he’s dreamed of his name coming out of your mouth, but decides he hates it when you yell it at him. “You think it’s fun, don’t you? Having no respect for girls whatsoever. You get off buttering them up with kisses and flowers and take them to the movies only to ignore them completely a day or two later. Who, in their right mind, would ever want to go out with someone like you?”

“I only ever wanted to go to that fucking movie theatre because I heard you were going to be there!” His voice rises to a shout. It echoed through the halls, and you wince knowing someone would hear. “You think I wanted to watch that stupid chick flick, with all that shit about high heels and prom? Fuck, I never even liked Jen! Why would I when I’ve always wanted someone else?”

His breath was heavy. Suddenly it was hard to swallow. You try to stand your ground, staring at him. “Nice one. You think it’d be easy for me to believe that, what with your list of conquests and a new girl making out on your desk each week? You must be daft, Zach Dempsey.”

He scowls. “I never wanted them. Never. I just- I just thought that maybe if you saw that everyone wanted me, just maybe you would have wanted me too.” His face softens, and he starts fiddling with his fingers. “Okay, I get it. You could never want me. I know, I just thought I could change that somehow. I’m used to getting my way, you know. Girls flock me, throw themselves at me. I’m used to getting everything I want, but then you’re here, in front of me, and fuck, I’ve never wanted to kiss anything more in my life.”

“Okay,” You say softly, before you can stop yourself. He barely hears it, but his ears perk up. “What’d you say?”

“I said okay,” You clear your throat, and bite your lip to keep yourself from smiling as his lips form into a helpless grin. “Saturday night, Rosie’s?”
“Fuck yes!” He fistbumps the air, then stops as soon as he realises you’re still in front of him. You giggle and hide your face in your hands as he leans forward without thinking, grabbing you by the waist and lifting you in the air. You couldn’t help your cheeks from turning red. Zach Dempsey was adorable. He really was.

“Okay, I’ll see you in Trig?” He asks, palming his phone in his front pocket. He’d have to tell Foley, he was thinking. Man, his best friend would be so proud. His head was rushing when he swooped in and pressed his lips to your flushed cheek. “I can’t wait.”




thanks for sticking around! give this a heart and reblog if you want more, and follow my blog if you want to be notified overtime i post a new imagine! this is a brand new blog and i’m so excited to see what ideas you might have for me.

I can’t be the only one who finds it pretty funny that just a few years ago Tumblr was everything Superwholock and obviously queerbaiting m/m ships and now Tumblr has pretty much been invaded by sapphics and now everything is Carmilla and Wynona Earp and Supergirl

  • Karkat Vantas, A Week From Valentine's Day: Every inch of free space is covered in complex charts and graphics mapping out the day for maximum romantic potential. A dozen potential gifts spill out of various cabinets. Is this tissue paper too ostentatious? Is this card treading that magical line between sappy and irreverent that I know I need to perfectly balance in order to make this shit sing? His days are filled with nervous pacing, gesticulating at television commercials, eyes narrowed, attempting to glean the true spirit and meaning of the upcoming festival
  • Dave Strider, A Week From Valentine's Day: The christmas tree is still up. The lower branches are bare, their ornaments strewn about in a haphazard pile, soundly defeated by some number of cloned cats. Why the fuck is there pink shit everywhere, he wonders, purchasing a dozen energy drinks from his local drug store. Oh well. It's probably nothing,

                                                  How to Open the Veil


The Veil is what separates our physical realm from the spirit world. By opening it, we’re able to communicate more freely with spirits. Essentially, you’ll be making a door and opening it in order to reach the spirit realm. 

Disclaimer: I’m not an expert at this, please don’t take my word as the final say. I just started practicing this technique and was taught by a close friend. Always be safe when you practice because if you’re not careful, you can get into some shit. I’m writing this post by popular demand. 


STEP 1: BE SAFE. The picture above is a little preview of the layout I used in my own dorm room. It’s hard to see, but I first drew a chalk circle and sprinkled black salt all along the edges of said circle. I also put four crystals at each end to mark it. Why do I have so much shit everywhere?? Because I don’t want anything to come through the door I created and cause problems. This circle keeps unwanted spirits out. (Granted, you don’t have to use as many things as I did. I find that a physical circle is just easier to visualize.) You can also use candles or anything else that works for you!

STEP 2: MARK THE DOOR. I used sun and moon candle holders with electric candles in them (since I live in a dorm and can’t use real candles). I set them apart from each other, like I was making, well, a door. Then I used some Super-Moon water to draw a line between the two candle holders to amplify my energy. Finally, I also sprinkled a line of black salt to stop unwanted and harmful spirits from coming through the door. 

STEP 3: RELAX. Get into the state of mind you need to be in to do witchy stuff. Meditation, grounding, singing–whatever you need to do to access your energy. 

STEP 4: STRETCH YOUR ENERGY. Whenever you feel ready, slowly pool energy into you palms. Then push it through the marked entrance where your door is going to be, imagining it as a thread, string, or cord connecting to the spirit realm. This might be difficult, especially if the veil isn’t exactly thin where you’re at. You may feel your energy bounce back, or that you’re hitting a wall. If you do, don’t worry! You can always pull back, gather your energy, and try again. 

STEP 5: CREATE A BRIDGE. You’ll know the moment when your energy connects to the spirit realm. It feels different for every person–for me, it’s almost like this tug in my gut and the feeling of a thread connecting my hands and body to something else. Once you feel that, it’s really up to you on how you want to create the bridge! For me, what works best is when I imagine myself walking across the thread of my energy towards the spirit realm. As I walk, my energy begins to create the bridge. There might be another door on the other side once you cross the bridge (it’s really up to how you visualize). If there is, open it. 

STEP 6: OPEN THE DOOR. Once you’ve made the bridge, feel and hold on to that connection. Then, imagine a door leading to the bridge through the physical boundaries you created earlier. This door can look however you like–whatever’s easiest for you to imagine! Then, use your energy to pry open the door. After that…

Congrats! You’ve successfully opened a door to the spirit realm! You should be able to feel the difference in energies. It’s kind of hard to explain how it feels–almost like this vast, empty expanse and the chattering of lots of different spirits floating around. 

When you’re done…

CLOSE THE DOOR. If you invited any spirits in to chat, say goodbye to the spirit(s) that you communicated with and ask them to leave. Make sure they leave before you close the door. If they refuse to, you might have to force them via your own energy (obviously, this is in the worst of situations. Try not to be rude if possible!). We’ve had to do this before and it’s not the most pleasant thing (haha). 

To close the door, pull your energy out from the spirit realm. Imagine that bridge you created crumbling, until you can no longer feel that connection. Once you’re out, close the door, seal it up, and do anything else that feels necessary in order to break the opening. For me, I usually make a breaking motion with my hands to signify the cut-off connection. You can chant or say an incantation if you like as well. This is important, because you definitely don’t want to leave a door open for spirit to come through willy nilly!  


                                                          Other Info

  • PLEASE BE CAREFUL!! If you’re not cautious, some bad spirits might be able to get through and that’s never fun. If possible, try this first with someone else (preferably someone who knows more of what they’re doing). If you can’t, make sure you have multiple backups, wards, and other witchy things to keep bad spirits at bay. 
  • If you want to invite a spirit to chat, it’s probably a good idea to have an offering around, just to be polite. Tarot cards, pendulums, etc. are pretty awesome tools to use if you’re not great at telepathic communication!
  • Take everything spirits say with a grain of salt. They can lie just like people. 

I hope this was helpful to those that asked! If anyone wants to add anything, feel free to. I’m by no means an expert, so if someone wants to add their expertise advise please do! If something doesn’t feel right, go with your gut–never do something you’re not comfortable with. 

Be safe, fellow spirit workers and witches!

-Llama