shit wizard

When The Bard Uses Polymorph

Context : We’re all level 8 in the middle of a battle between the party and a group of Fomorians and giants. I, playing a Wizard who’s a little too brave for his own good, cast fly on myself and close in on a Fomorian who tried to run away. Once at the end of my fly speed, I drank a potion of fire breathing.

DM : It is now Mestipen’s (Bard) turn.

Mestipen : I want to call out Leocanto (me) “Hey, Leo! Check this out.” And I want to start playing a rendition of the Jurassic Park theme on my Lute and cast Polymorph to change Leocanto into a Tyrannosaurus Rex. 

DM : Does Leocanto resist?

Me : Never even crossed my mind.

DM : Okay. You are now a flying, fire breathing T Rex roaring in the face of a Fomorian who looks VERY afraid.

Me : *ooc* God I love D&D.

dragons in ancient times up to about 2000s (cool, good, not dumb, live in mountains, breathe fire, fight wizards, designed by normal people, you cant fuck them):

dragons in the past decade or so (weird, dumb, not cool, shit at fighting wizards and breathing fire, lame as hell, designed by horny nerds):

dragons in 2017 (very bad, disgusting, awful, hideous, designed by malajusted dregs of society):

Our DM regrets everything

So our level 7 party was hired by a king to get an object from a dragon’s lair in exchange for an items that was part of one of our party member’s personal story quest. We got into the blue dragon’s lair, killed it’s children, then waited ambush style for it to get home. The fight basically went like this:

DM: The blue dragon flies into its lair

Party: Surprise Round!

DM: Yup… Surprise Round

Sorcerer: Hey, do you two want 150ish hitpoints and to hit like a fighter twice your level?

Bard: Sure

Fighter: Sure

Sorcerer: I use twin spell to cast polymorph on both of them. They’re both giant apes now

The party proceeded to beat down the dragon while one giant ape beat on it and the other grappled it to the ground. We then leveled, got 100,000gp each, and got magic item loot from the dragon’s hoard. Our dual-classed Arcane Archer Kensai Monk (basically Zen archer for 5e) got the Oathbow.

A few encounters later, our party is now level 8. As a level 8 party of 7 characters we decide to fight the Pit Fiend in front of us instead of run away. Here’s how that fight went:

DM: The Pit Fiend hasn’t noticed you yet.

Party: Surprise Round!

DM: Yup… Surprise Round

Sorcerer: Who wants to be giant apes?

Bard: Sure

Fighter: Sure

Sorcerer: I do the thing.

The party then proceeds to fight the Pit Fiend. The Pit Fiend knocks the bard out of giant ape form and knocks him unconscious, and the fight is getting pretty rough. That’s when our SuperArcher decided this had gone on for too long…

Archer: So it’s taken 5 rounds of great apes, paladin smites, chromatic orbs, and oathbow shots right?

DM: Yup

Archer: Alright. This combat is taking too long. Action Surge, Sharpshooter on all four attacks, that’s 22, 23, 21, and 21 to hit?

DM: They all hit

Archer: That’s 1d8+3d6+15 four times… 

DM: *proceeds to close his Monster Manual and start folding up his DM screen*

Archer: That’s 112 magical piercing damage total.

DM: You all triple level… yay…

The Sphinx that Could

I homebrewed a sphinx race for one of my players that had a few aspects of shapeshifting (based on the skin deep comic) and while he was in full sphinx I told him he couldn’t cast magic unless he had hands.

Sphinx: I roll for deception to convince myself these paws are actually hands.

Me (DM): I’ll allow it

Sphinx: Rolls nat 20

Me: It seems the claws aren’t actually hindering you from casting magic after all.

Heroic origins

The players were all level one and the dm had us all set as a caravan protection job about to start so we were getting to know each other as the npcs make sure everything is fine.

Barbarian: So what brings you all here? I figured I could make some cash and maybe crack a few heads at the same time. What’s not to like?

Cleric: Well I am going this way anyway and thought perhaps i could be of help. After all one saved life is one more than if i wasn’t here.

Rogue: I like money.

Paladin: It is ones duty to protect the weak and bring honor to my brothers.

Warlock: I’m trying to get away from my ex.

Every player except the warlock basically: What?

Warlock: Hey you got reasons you want to go on this thing. I got a reason I want to get away from here. Are you saying your reasons for this trip are better than mine? I’m heart broken and i wouldn’t mind breaking a few others with some felfire. 

Dm: Alright well maybe don’t mock the emotionally damaged demon magic user.

the implication that wizards simply do not jack off is something ive never thought about and its the funniest thing in the world. it makes so much sense. when youre a wizard you dont need to jack off. youre busy. you got wizard shit to do