shit my players say

  • DM: The orc you see is the biggest goddamn orc you have ever seen in your life
  • DM: Seven, eight feet tall, four feet broad at the shoulders
  • DM: And unlike the orc behind the bar, who's kind of schlubby, this orc is just pure muscle
  • DM: You see these whorls of blue paint traced across the biceps, lines of dark paint traced down from the eyes
  • DM: A bundle of braids that tumble over one shoulder
  • DM:
  • DM:
  • DM:
  • DM: And she's wearing a really nice evening gown
  • The paladin, softly but with emotion: Oh fuck

For context, we’re playing a oneshot offshoot from our main campaign with a new cast of characters, set in the past. We’re looking for a series of “keys” to a vault, and one of them is a set of vampire fangs, so we set off to rob a mausoleum for some. 

We started joking about one of our main campaign characters, a Wizard / Necromancer; Gun, who has a thing for collecting bones.
Rogue: Come on yall, lets go get those fangs. Lets go gang.

Monk: Ohhh, bone collecting, I wish Gun was here. 

Cleric: Oh my god, I miss my boy.

We later arrive at the intended location, and soon after broke our poor suffering DM.

DM: You guys walk in and you see fresh bodies everywhere, like recently stabbed fresh.

Cleric: Look at all those bones, Gun would be so happy.

Monk: Oh man, Gun would love this.

Rogue: What if he’s one of those cryptids that hangs out just outside of your vision.

Cleric: We need to roll to see which character has him in their peripheral at all times.

DM: Okay, you know what. You want Gun to be there, I’ll put him there.

The Party: !?!??!!

DM: You want Gun there? You want him here?

Cleric: You know It wouldn’t be out of character for him to be out grave robbing this place, he and his husband were treasure hunters at the time.

DM: Okay so, this is what was SUPPOSED to happen. You were SUPPOSED to run into some vampires and have this big fight, but you know what we’re doing this now, fuck you. Gun and his husband are here now, looting these bodies for their bones. Gun, you see this massive Tabaxi Cleric enter the building, what do you do?

Cleric: ?? OH.

DM: Yeah, you’re playing 3 characters now buddy.

Context: Jasper is the low-INT, low-WIS half-orc Hunter of our party, and we have just tried to “infiltrate” a wizard’s tower by pretending to be “housekeeping”. 

Also worth noting this was after all combat and we’d pretty much killed the wizard and his apprentice, not entirely to plan.

Jasper: Is there a bin?

[a few seconds of silence]

DM: Why?

Jasper: Well I’m trying to clean up the place, we’re housekeeping and there’s dead stuff and splintered table everywhere and I’m looking for a rubbish bin.