shit my boyfriend makes

Shit my boyfriend said while I was making him watch Hannibal with me.

(note: we started watching in the middle of second season, specifically the last five minutes of Su-zakana, starting properly on Shiizakana. My boyfriend has seen the first episode, bits and pieces of the first season, and I briefly filled him in on the rest of what was happening, so his knowledge of the show up to this point is a bit spotty.)


For my HP title scramble– @nopunattempted‘s suggestion.

…my boyfriend thinks he’s funny, but I think I’m funnier.


I had a talk with @lostcauses-noregrets about “what if IKEA sold body pillows and Levi saw them while searching for lost princess Erwin?” and then this happened :D

Levi will miss Erwin very much and is often unable to sleep when he’s away for work so he will call pretty late just to hear Erwin’s voice. They will talk, Erwin will sing songs for Levi til he’s finally able to sleep. And even though Erwin loves it when Levi is that affectionate he can’t hold back with teasing him a bit <3 And a Dånchø-Bodypillow might actually help ;) They are so dorky and I love it.

The IKEA diaries


(not my gif)

Here it is FINALLY!!! I hope you like it guys!!! 

WARNING: swearing, accusations of cheating, fighting…I think that might be it…


The one night you asked him to be there for you. One night.  And he doesn’t show up. You call him one last time before you give up and go home. It was the night your midterm paper and you needed Brett to help you. Of course, him being at Devenford and you going to Beacon Hills with your brother, Scott, the distance was hard but that has never stopped you two before. He came for prom, lacrosse games, random dinners, he would even drive over when you were having period cramps. But the one night you actually asked him to be there, he wasn’t.

Keep reading

I always played League with my boyfriend, but lately he’s just hanging around with friends, and he told me I’m too clingy. Now I feel bad because of it, and try to forget it with playing, but every time I enter the queue, it reminds me of us. I wish I could just play with friends like he does, but I have none.

Submitted by @stalgya

Artwork by foliage

Drarry Headcanon: Post Sectumsempra

My Writing

  • So Harry is kneeling next to Draco in the bathroom after hitting him with the curse and he’s obviously freaking the fuck out because he might have just killed his wannabe boyfriend
  • But then Snape comes and Harry’s like fuck it’s Snape but also like omfg thank god Snape’s here…he’ll be able to fix this 
  • Then Snape tells Harry to wait for him while he takes Draco to the hospital wing and Harry obviously doesn’t argue but in his head he’s like wtf no pls let me take him I love him
  • So then as he’s waiting he just decides that he’ll let Snape yell at him and give him detention or whatever and then he’ll run up to the hospital wing to see Draco
  •  But then Snape tells him to go bring him all his textbooks or whatever and Harry’s just like ??? are you shitting me I need to go make sure my boyfriend is okay
  • So then after running all over the castle to get his shit, hiding his stupid potions textbook, and getting yelled at and receiving detentions (as he expected), he can finally go to the hospital wing
  • He sprints his ass through the corridors, not caring if he runs into anyone
  • When he gets there he immediately sees Draco laying on the bed sleeping but his entire torso has bandages all around it
  • Harry feels his eyes sting with tears
  • He quickly pulls a seat up right next to Draco’s bed and Madam Pomfrey gives him a questioning look but he doesn’t care because look at his beautiful Draco how could he do this to him
  • Harry grabs Draco’s hand and let’s a few tears fall…he just feels so bad and so stupid for using a curse that he had no idea what it did
  • Madam Pomfrey tries to get him to leave after a while but he refuses - “No Madam Pomfrey I have to stay!” And she finally gives up and just lets him stay
  • Draco starts to stir and Harry squeezes the hand he was still holding without even realizing 
  • Draco finally opens his eyes and looks up at Harry
  • “What the hell are you doing here Potter?” He asks cooly and shoots Harry a glare
  • “Draco I’m so so sorry! I didn’t know what that spell did and I mean you were going to use the Cruciatus Curse on me…but I still shouldn’t have used that stupid spell I’m really sorry.I know we don’t get along but I would never want you to get this hurt..I could have killed you!” Harry’s voice was shaking by the end of his apology and his eyes were filled with tears again
  • It wasn’t until then that Draco noticed that his and Harry’s hands were intertwined and he scowled down at them
  • Harry mutters and apology and tries to pull his hand away but Draco grips it tighter and Harry just looks at him
  • Draco looks down to avoid Harry’s eyes
  • “I-I’m sorry too Potter. I shouldn’t have started shooting spells at you the moment I saw you and I definitely shouldn’t have tried to use an Unforgivable”
  • Harry squeezes Draco’s hand and then says, “Well I should probably go and let you get some rest now that we’ve settled everything.” and he goes to get up but Draco pulls him back down 
  • “Will you stay for the night Potter? I hate this place…it’s awfully depressing…please?”
  • Harry smiles down at him and agrees to stay
  • “Potter, you’re not really planning on sleeping in that hard uncomfortable chair are you?” 
  • “Where else am I…” Harry trails off when Draco scoots over to make room for him in the bed. Draco gives him a devious smile and Harry shakes his head and laughs before climbing into the small bed with Draco who immediately curls up next to Harry. Harry wraps an arm around him and they both drift off to sleep
  • It’s the first night that neither of them have any nightmares

Part Two

i will be the most supportive friend you have ever had. like, you say some random crap— i will never ignore it, if we’re in a group chat with lots of people talking at once, i will strive to make sure never feel disregarded or ignored, i will make you feel counted. the “looking like you care less is cooler” mentality really grates on me. it’s brave to show you care, it’s cowardly to pretend you don’t, especially for your own egotistic reputation. if you’re having a bad day, i will sit & talk everything through with you & help how i can & offer all the solutions i can muster. i will leave you be when you need it & never let you go when you are in need of attention. i will try to talk the blinding spectrum of intense emotion out of your head so you can see the realities a little more clearly & make things better, so you can get a handle on it & ride that bitch of an issue into the sunset. you create a post ; a meta ; a graphic ; a promo ; a theme? i will like & reblog the shit out of it, whatever it takes to make sure you know you matter, that your creative exploration is supported. i will encourage all your healthy endeavours & i’ll sit & be bitter about the world with you whilst you’re sad. i will never make you feel alienated for liking something or judge you on things that are totally inconsequential, your happiness is your priority.

but it’s the same for me. if i feel like i’m the only one that cares in a relationship ( platonic or non )— though i don’t expect the totality of what i give back ( that isn’t what a relationship is, you have to understand other people’s proclivities for human understanding ) i won’t make a deal of it. i’ll just slowly drift away, distance is my defence, indifference my sword. because as much as i try to make you feel like you matter, my philosophy for you is my philosophy for myself. i have to put myself first. i’ll sacrifice sleep for you when you need me, but i won’t sacrifice self-worth. i won’t be made to feel like i’m less, that i’m not worth what i’m giving to you. i will “do no harm but take no shit.”

i’ll be the most supportive friend you’ve ever had, but don’t test it.

You think girls whispering mean things about others in school bathrooms only happens in movies? Bathroom bullying is REAL and its HAPPENING

anonymous asked:

My boyfriend makes me feel like complete shit. I can't find the courage to leave him.

you deserve better. your mental wellbeing is more important ok. I hope you find the courage to leave. (I’m sorry my advice isn’t as good as you were hoping)

Writing Prompt Masterpost 4.0


-Going to a 24 hour drug store in the middle of the night
-Going to a theme park together
-One of them crying because their favorite character died and the other comforting them
-The smaller one sitting on the others lap and telling a story about their day
-One of them playing with the other’s hair as they rest their head on their lap
-The irresponsible one getting drunk and the responsible one insisting on driving them home
-Cuddling watching horror movies and one of them covering the other’s eyes during the scary parts
-Singing high school musical duets in the shower
-Having heated discussions about their fave superheroes/villains
-Arguing over what cereal to buy
-Making fun of each other’s nerdy underwear
-Prank calling each other
- Pulling lame pranks/making stupid bets on each other 24/7
- Fighting about who ate the last pop tart
- Having a water pistol/balloon fight inside
- Failing horribly at being functioning adults

-Which one put googly eyes on their nipples and which one would come into the bedroom and immediately walk out again
-Which one waits at the airport with a sign that says “Huge Loser”
-Is the most affectionate?
-Big spoon/little spoon?
-Most common argument?
-Favorite non-sexual activity?
-Who is most likely to carry the other?
-Who worries the most?
-Who tops?
-Who initiates kisses?
-Who wakes up first?
-Who says I love you first?

-I’m sitting in my backyard by the pool/sunbathing when I sneeze. You say “bless you” and scare the hell out of me
-You’re the lifeguard at the pool and I pretend to drown so you can “save me” but it sort of back fires and now I’m banned from the pool for life but at least you walked me out and gave me your number
-I’m doing a road trip and ran out of gas. You’re a cop that was passing by and waits with me while I wait for AAA
-I get a sunburn so bad I can barely move but I have to go to the store to get aloe and you’re an employee and wince sympathetically when I go to pay for it (and when I get home I find out that you wrote your number on my receipt)
-I was trying to buy some candy from the vending machine but it got stuck and you saw and helped me get my candy out. 2 packets came out, but no you can’t have one
-We both wanted the last bit of orange chicken at panda express but while we were arguing over who got it someone else bought it
-We’re at a music festival and everything was fine until your fucking giant ass showed up, but when I hit your shoulder repeatedly to yell at you, you turned out to be super cute
-I went up to you at this bar to talk to you but it turns out that you just got dumped
-We’re both on different dates, but our dates ran into each other and it turns out they used to date You’re performing at an open-mic night and played a couple covers and one of the songs you played makes me cry every time
- Yoga
-I saw you in my favourite band’s merch and want to grab a drink?
-My pet rabbit slipped under your fence
-I’m going to fuckin reek you at scrabble I don’t care its 3 am
-I tripped and tried to grab onto something but I accidentally pulled your pants down with me
-I might be drunk right now but your house was the only one I remembered
-Shut your fucking mouth for a second or I’ll have to make out with you to shut you up
-You said you were going to cut your hair you didn’t say it’d look /that/ good.
-Apparently our mutual friend said to both of us they’d meet up with us here but they’re not here.
-You’re locked out of your place in your underwear and forgot your key
-I happened to glance into your window just in time to see you do a slamming’ air guitar solo
-Our building has a strict No Pet Policy and your cat will not stop meowing, I WILL report you
-The postal worker delivered your package to my place and I was expecting something so I totally didn’t look before I opened it and… wow that is um
-I live a block away from this pizza place that stays open until 2 am and you’re literally ALWAYS there
-I dropped my ring and you came to pick it up, but everyone thinks that you’re proposing
-I did not mean to leave the blinds open and change but now you’re staring at me
-The hotel gave me your suitcases by accident
-Annoying next door neighbor and you keep me up all night with your partying.
-You’re an underwear model and there’s a giant billboard of you across from where I work
-We live door to door and your loud singing in the shower every night annoys the shit out of me.
-We meet every day on our lunch break by the hot-dog stand and one time I forget my wallet
-Taxi cab driver/ passenger
-I work at an animal shelter and you come in looking for a pet pretty often.
-Voice actors and we have to voice a lot of romantic scenes
-Teachers at an elementary school and your class is super loud
-We took this game of gay chicken too seriously’ when you took your pants off
-I used to be the best baker in the neighborhood but then you showed up at with a stack of brownies which almost gave me an orgasm.
-Laser tag party and we’re the last two alive on opposite teams.
-You’ve won best costume for the past three years. This year I am wearing the best costume ever.
Bonus: Wait you actually look really cute. When did you turn hot? What the fuck?
-Everyone pretty much thinks we’re dating, so if you’re up for it why the hell not?
-I was on my balcony and you started loudly quoting Romeo and Juliet at me.
-I spilled my drink down your shirt and then tried to drink it off you.
-We had an impromptu rap duet in the middle of the party.
-You kept asking everyone to play the cha cha slide, then passed out when the song started.
-You keep shouting “THIS IS MY JAM” at every song that comes on.
-Whenever you saw me you’d shout ‘WHOOOOOOOOO’ really loudly and then do finger guns at me before walking off
-You thought I was your friend and pulled me up on the table to dance with you. Now you’re shirtless and grinding on me.
-You start singing the national anthem when it got really quiet.
-You threw up on my shoes Bonus: twice/again
-We live in adjacent apartments and one day I accidentally knocked a hole in the wall
-Cosplayers that somehow always manage to meet each other at cons dressed as a popular ships –You and I both got arrested for holding up traffic to let a duck with ducklings cross the
-We bonded on the train through our mutual exasperation at another Spiderman reboot.
-I work at a fruit store and you come in at almost every day and rearrange stuff on the shelves then leave, but today you made the apples spell “call me"
- I just fell face first into your crotch and this is really awkward
-We were both hanging out at the bar I was eyeing you, but someone else came along and hit on you and now I’m pretending to be your bf/gf because you are obviously disgusted.
-Didn’t notice you until our dogs started randomly making love in the street
-I saw you getting robbed so I tried to help but you thought I was the thief and you punched me.
-My friend dragged me to the nude beach, but I’m fully dressed and you’re not.
-I was pulled over because you thought I was drunk, but I’m not, I’m just really frustrated.
-We’re both single parents and our kids hate each other
-I called you hot and randomly made out with you on the street for a YouTube video, but you made out with me back so I don’t know what to do now
-Kiss Cam at a baseball game
-You fell asleep in public and started sleep talking, I tried to wake you up but now I have a bleeding nose.
- I thought you were a robber trying to get into my neighbor’s house and I called the cops on you, turns out your brother is late and you don’t have a key
-Our older siblings are graduating and we met at the ceremony but our families think we’re dating.
-You work at the drive through and your voice is just so attractive.
-I just have thoughts that you’re a really good hugger and so I just hugged you
-We have to go camping together and share a sleeping bag
-We’re at a friend’s wedding and we happen to be the few single ones without dance partners
-You’re the only other person in the theatre in this movie so why not sit together?
-Book club
-Adventure cycling class and we’re the slowest people
-I work at the animal shelter and you always come in to pet the cats when you’re sad
-I can hear you sneezing through the walls and I brought some chicken noodle soup over for you

-When I agreed to this road trip I had no idea you were coming along and now I have to sit next to you for 8 hours.
-You are literally perfect at everything and I’m just a mess when it comes to… um, everything.  Can you help me finish this paper for lit?
-You’re really bad at beer pong but you do this really cute dance before you throw the ball so I’m letting you stay on my team.
-Our mutual friend dared us both to chug a whole pint of beer and I’m not letting you beat me.
-We both grabbed for the last bottle of the good beer
-Your sister is throwing this huge sleepover in your basement and as I look around your kitchen for snacks you come down the stairs wearing nothing but a pair of low sweatpants
-Best friend’s little sister but I kissed you at a party
-My friends dared me I couldn’t get a date with you. I keep bugging you until you say yes. Bonus: you find out about the dare/ I realize I like you
-Pretend to be my boyfriend/girlfriend to make my ex jealous.
-Class clown finds me in the back of the library bawling my eyes out because my boyfriend/girlfriend just dumped & shit stop making me laugh I’m supposed to be sad
-Cramming until 3 in the morning and having to sleep over at each other’s house.
-The classic Lab Partner. Bonus: Now we always choose each other
-I don’t like changing in front of people in the locker room can you cover me from now on?
-Detention/Summer School
-I’m stuck in my locker and you’re the only one in the hall.
-None of my friends are good at math and I need a tutor.
-I twisted my ankle and you’re the only one here strong enough to carry me to the nurse.
-I lent you my cool pencil months ago and you still use it
-We were both skipping class at the same time in the bathroom but someone passed by and now were hiding in a cramped stall
-I accidentally took your notebook thinking it was mine
-You started sitting by me at lunch because I’m alone but we never talk
-I was really hungry but had no money and you bought me lunch even though I don’t know you. Bonus: You make two lunches every morning and give one of them to me every day
-I left my phone number on the bathroom stall wall and you text me about your day and your frustrations Alternative.: Someone wrote cute notes in the bathroom stall and your notes match the handwriting
-Our friends grouped up for prom but we’re the only two without a date let’s hang out
-I fell asleep on your couch after a party but you didn’t complain and made breakfast for the both of us. Bonus: I made breakfast because I felt guilty
-I heard prom tickets are cheaper with a date can we go together just for cheaper tickets
-You’re always inviting me to “study” with you but you know all the fucking answers already
-I notice you’re sketching a lot on this bus Bonus: Is that me?
-I lost my little sibling in IKEA and I need your help finding them
-You’re the camp counselor my little sibling keeps talking about
-Team leaders at a summer camp Bonus: You may be hot, but goddammit my collection of twelve-year-olds are going to beat yours into the dust.
-We both have friends who party too hard and we keep running into each other in the bathroom while we hold their hair back
-I work at Chuck E. Cheese and your sibling is having a huge birthday party
-I have a service dog and you’re failing because you just stare at it instead of taking notes
-Our little siblings are on rival sports teams and I’ve made it my goal to cheer louder than you
-I thought you were my new roommate’s boyfriend so I casually invited you in but you’re actually the RA of the dorm and now you think I want to have sex with you.
-I accidentally flooded the laundry room
-I took a bunch of free condoms from health services and they all fell out of my bag at once
-The cereal dispenser in the dining hall broke while I was getting froot loops and you blame me.
-We argued so much during a class discussion that we both got kicked out Bonus: We’re still arguing outside of class
­-Your RA almost sight your illegal cat but I convinced them that it was just me meowing
- Hey I just followed my friend to your friend’s house but now they’re screwing really loudly in the other room, want to go do something else?
- You and I ride the same bus home every day but never talk but then you fell asleep and sorry to wake you up but it’s your stop next
-Your headphones aren’t plugged in at the library and you’re listening to a hardcore smut thing.
-I was taking photos for my college class but your ass got in one of the shots and you know it
-I don’t know you but they just paired us up for the haunted house and I’m not good with scary stuff


-Your country’s trying to take over my country and you’re making it difficult to hate you because you’re so nice and attractive.
-We’ve been engaged to be married since we were three but this is the first time we’ve met
-Prince/ss + servant, not supposed to hang out, but fall in love anyways Alt.: Bodyguard, Knight
-Prince/ss from a small country nobody’s heard of in college pretending not to be royal, another student always calling me out on my bs
-My country’s going through some issues so I’m in hiding and you’re a civilian who lives in the same apartment complex as me

-You drive a massive SUV and steal my parking spot all the time Bonus: I was just heading out to leave a strongly worded note under your windshield wiper but you’re hot.
-Barista and the obnoxious customer who comes through and orders a venti macchiato while talking on the phone the whole time. I misspell your name in increasingly creative ways every day. Alternative: I’m a busy businessperson and my barista keeps misspelling my name in increasingly disrespectful ways, honestly, who does this person think they are.
-We were both playing wingman for our friends who have now decided to go home together, and after five minutes of conversation we fucking hate each other, let’s bang it out.
-I saw you trying to hit the “door close” button in the elevator but I made it in and then I pushed every single button to make you later for work, but now we’re stuck in this fucking elevator as it stops at every single floor and I don’t know what to say other than “you started it”.
-I asked for your help getting a book off the top shelf and you laughed at my taste and called me a nerd so I shoved you into a table of nonfiction best-sellers and that’s how we both got banned from the community bookstore.
-I take my grades very seriously and you’re the lazy asshole who asks a ton of off-topic questions to distract the professor and I might be a foot shorter than you but I swear to god I’ll fight you.
-You tried to barge into a private conversation so I said something devastatingly witty and dismissive but you came back with something even meaner and cleverer.
-Shouting match over the last Thanksgiving turkey at the grocery store.

-We accidentally switched our suitcases from the airport terminal.
-I fell asleep on your shoulder and you were too polite to move or wake me up.
-Author of book gets seated next to someone reading their book
-Bonding solely via eye contact over that annoying person on our plane that we’re both slowly becoming more and more exasperated about.
-You fell asleep and I started making funny faces at your kid to keep them amused and the steward mistook us for a couple
-I’m afraid of flying and you were incredibly helpful
-I made a horrible first impression at the gate or in line for airport food but now we’re sitting next to each other.

An immortal being has the ability to share their power with one soul and make them immortal too, so they can have a companion for all the years if they choose. Only one though. The being tells one of their lovers, whom they’ve been with for ten years or so, about their ability, and the lover begs to have the energy shared with them so they can be together for eternity.
“I can’t,” the immortal says.
“Why not?” the lover asks.
“I’m already sharing my power.”
“With who?”
The immortal looks down. “My cat.”

-Imagine if we lived in a world where you could see the exact date when everyone is going to die except for yourself. Then one day people start acting nice to you. Like, really nice.
-World is black and white until you receive the first touch from your soulmate  Bonus: Colors only exist when they’re with you
-Imagine dating an immortal and finding a photo album of their exes who all sort of look like you dating back a century
-Merperson caught in a fisher’s net.
-Rival dragon riders.
-Bumped into each other while watching a street magic performance.
-Got drunk and broke into a dragon guarded tower together.
-Stole a sacred artifact from a witch and now I have to hunt you down.
-Well, you try talking some sense into the bridge troll.
-Pegasus joy riding.
-Werewolf gladiators.
-Your kiss broke a sirens spell.
-My folks are making you steal a griffin feather to prove your love but that’s not stopping me from going with you.
-I just fell in love with my magic mirror.
-Kidnapped by a band of magical golden hearted thieves.
-First pet dragon.

-Who the hell are you and why you are on my laptop
-Did you actually just blue shell me on our date, you fucker?
­-Um, hi.  Are you the one using my Wi-Fi?
-I know you hate cats, but you’re personality literally speaks cat, so I got you one. No you’re not gonna give it back to me.
-I have a confession to make, I keep coming back to this diner every Wednesday night -no, not for the dinner special. But because I’ve been having problems and the sound of your singing literally touches my soul.
-Okay dude, I’m sorry that you want to put a poster for your band up right there, but I want to put up a flyer for my lost cat, so I think I win.
-Someone gave me a fake phone number and it’s actually yours
-Hey can I borrow a dollar?
-Um, this isn’t your dorm-? Oh, okay. Yeah, um, sure you could totally sleep on my bed.  That’s totally, just feel right at home

Sources: (because there’s no way I thought of all of these on my own.Some of the sources no longer exist or have changed urls so they’re not included)
x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x  x 

A Thank You

I just…really really want you all to know again how thankful I am for all the kind messages because like, my own family hasn’t really reached out to me and told me they’re happy for me at all. 

I’m crying right now cause my sister hasn’t even said anything to me and I’ve been trying to get closer to her even after I moved out of my house more than a year ago. I know a few of my family aren’t happy about it because they’re super Christian and think I’ve been living in sin with my boyfriend or whatever. And the rest of my family just kind of hate my fiance cause they don’t find him physically appealing.

The only person from my family that’s genuinely showed happiness for me was my mother, and they look down on her because of her dementia anyways.

My fiance’s family has treated me so well and made me feel like part of their family when my own family tries to tear me down emotionally and they wonder why I don’t visit them that often.

So anyways, all that to say, thank you all so much.