shit i say

star-child-skies  asked:

I am crying at your wife's comments to your cat, because as someone who loves, and has had cats I understand completely lol. Do you also have a picture of said cat?

Hahaha! That’s the funny thing– I can always tell (because I read the tags like a loser) who has cats and who doesn’t. The non-cat-owners are always like “that’s so mean!?” and the cat owners are like “yeah mine’s a little shit too.” and I know it’s in a loving way haha! 

And yes! Allow me to share our babies with you!!!

This is the cat that my wife usually real-talks. Anything that has to do with heaven or hell is usually directed at this fluffy nugget of screaming joy. Her full name is Miss Clover Cleopatra, but she goes by Miss Cleo or Miss Kitty:

Then this little angel is Lord Byron Fitzwhiskers, more commonly referred to as Cat Cat Byron Cat. He’s my special son whom I adore and would kill anyone to protect. Usually baby just says normal things to him, but any of the quotes that use the word “bastard” are usually in reference to this bundle of love.

Thank you for asking about them!!!! I LOVE MY BABIES.

EXO is only 600k sales behind H.O.T in most physical album sales in history. With H.O.T having 7.6 million albums sold, and EXO having 7 million albums sold. Meaning, with EXO’s next comeback; they WILL become the kpop group with most physical sales in history, and it only took them 5 years to achieve it. - And to think that we live in a time, where digital sales dominates. And EXO owning physical sales like this? It’s extremely impressive and I’m so proud ohmygod.

how i write
  • ‘okay so oh my god, i’ve literally got the best idea for this fic, it’s so unique and i bet no one ever thought about it’
  • writes like one paragraph
  • *forgets about it for 3 months*
  • opens it later with even more ideas
  • ‘oh my god i know the best way to follow up this fic ha ha i’m so smart’
  • writes like 5 lines
  • deletes like 855 lines
  • ‘i feel like i’ve used this word a lot’
  • rereads so many times that the text has lost all it’s meaning
  • ‘nope you used ‘said’ last time and ‘spoke’ before that. use a different word for said’
  • lines turn into complex statements
  • trying to figure out if the person who reads it can figure it out
  • breaks! 
  • blames writer’s block even though i got too much inspiration
  • trying to stop myself from indulging in too much fluff
  • more breaks!
  • ‘my fingers hurt’ word count - 67
  • ‘who set out the rules for upper case first letters after the full stops? that shit is stupid and tiring?’
  • sucks at describing the scene
  • ‘it was a warm and dark night, like black ink that’s been boiled on a low flame’
  • sucks more at adjectives and adverbs
  • ‘the pretty woman pretty much hated the pretty girl and her pretty sister’
  • really sucks at writing angst 
  • ‘tim loved tom but tom thought he liked jim because it was prophesied’
  • reads prompts for fics and is like
  • ‘i can work so much with this. i got it down. it’s good. i got the perfect idea’
  • repeat 

Have you ever had someone lay their fingers along the spaces between your ribs and squeeze? Really find those fleshy bits between the bones and just curl into them? I have. The thing is, you can’t help your natural reflex in reaction to that strange, visceral, intrusive feeling. Your body knows, “hey, I don’t think I should be touched there!” and so it flails wildly, almost manically, to protect your most vital organs, even if there’s no real threat.

My wife loves the spaces between my ribs, but has kindly refrained from squeezing them since I’ve asked her to stop. Still. I’m a nervous person, and the guard just goes up sometimes – can’t help it.

The other night, we were laying in bed and cuddling, and I was about on the brink of passing out while baby lay curled over me. Her hand rested on my chest, her head lay nestled between my shoulder and my chin, and I was smelling her hair – a vague scent of shampoo, still a little wet from the shower. Everything felt warm and right and peaceful, but for the fact that (as exhausted as I was) baby was like a shaken up soda can of hyperactive lesbian. She was happily chatting away when her hand traveled a little lower, then circled around my side and her fingertips moved into those vulnerable little dips.

“Noooooooo,” I whined, and I yanked her hand away.

“But I can’t sleep!” She protested, laying her leg over mine and lifting her head to give me that wide-eyed, entreating look. “I won’t squeeze! I just want to count your ribs! It’s soothing.” I can never deny her anything when she gives me that look. (She has very long eyelashes and very blue eyes. It’s my kryptonite.)

So I let her hand go, cautiously, and relaxed a little bit. She teases and jokes, but she never lies to me, so I knew she’d at least stop herself from squeezing even though I know how much she loves it. She moved her hand back over to my rib cage and I took in a breath.

“You know,” I offered as her fingertips began to dance gently over each individual rib, “you could count sheep instead.”

And baby chuckled lowly, snuggling closer, warm and soft and sweet. And then she proceeded to say the most terrifying thing I’ve ever heard come out of her mouth, in a voice that sounded like it should have been wafting inexplicably down the halls of an abandoned building.

“There are no sheep here,” she whispered, “but there are plenty of your bones.”

And somehow that simple statement was more instinctively horrifying than the feeling of fingers in the spaces between your ribs. Turns out, it inspired the same reaction. I flailed, and she laughed and laughed and laughed until I was laughing too.

It took us both a while to go to sleep.

types of fanfiction as things i have eaten

cotton candy/ candy floss : this is pure fluff. i write ‘fluff’ here but don’t be misled. these fics are the epitome of cavities. they will melt all your 206 bones and there will literally be no chance you’ll ever survive. they are delicacies saved for special occassions, so you might not read them all the time

spicy curry : there’s water coming out of your eyes and snot from your nose, but do you consider stopping? nope! these fics are addictively tasty, you know you should not be eating and would probably regret it later but nuh uh, they’re much too tasty for you to stop. and so you plunge yourself in this hell

finger foods : they are those oneshots that you want to read just for passing the time but suddenly you’re full just by feasting on them. perfectly crafted compact stories that are many a times better than the main course

spiced fruits : not many agree with these, the flangst fics where just a pinch of angst can do wonders to contrast the delicious flavors of fluff but the little sadness takes the joy of the plot to the greatest depths

soup/ramen :these are those comforting fics, those soulmate aus, those christmas aus, those college aus. they’re indulging and help soothe and calm you

chocolate : or any other food you’re not allowed to eat. these are er, the guilty pleasures aka smut fics. they have a pleasure quite unrivalled as they are so special

bread :it’s basic and shit but you’re hungry asf and these fics satisfy your appetite. they contain typos and are probably not that well written but to hell with it when there’s nothing else to eat

43 day old lettuce from the bottom of the fridge : you are broke and there are no groceries at home. these fics are love stories between the whomping willow and the ford anglia; in other words regrets