shit i have to wake up for work in 3 hours

story time: presidential edition
  • so you know how everyone has a story
  • you know
  • like the story
  • like if you’re at a party and someone turns to you and says, tell the story
  • and you know exactly what they mean
  • the story
  • well 
  • i have a story
  • and not unlike most good stories, it involves three key components:
  • barack obama
  • pre-2008 reebok sneakers 
  • and the absolute earth-shattering horror you can only feel after making the worst mistake of your life

Keep reading

💞Back To School Glow Up💞

Alright y'all, with school season comin back, here are some prime hoe tips to get y'all ready to slay.

1. Develop a skincare regimen at least once daily: wash, exfoliate*, mask*, toner, essential oils, moisturize.

*once weekly, to avoid overshocking your skin.

2. Tea tree oil is bomb for acne and acne scars. Apply that shit.

3. Coconut oil and castor oil for brow/lash growth every night.

4. Go through your closet, and toss clothes you don’t wear. Invest in more neutral colors and fits to configure a wider variety of cute ass outfits.

5. Don’t be afraid to thrift shop; places like TJ Maxx and The Goodwill have bomb ass brands for cheap.

6. Get your books/supplies ready a week before. Prepare yourself.

7. Have all of your test dates/assignment due dates in your phone before classes start. Make sure to request off days of work the nights before major assignments and exams if you can help it.

8. Things to keep in a bag in your locker: pads/tampons, an extra pair of panties, a spare change of clothes & shoes(in case of a wardrobe malfunction), hairbrush and hairtie, nail file & clippers, makeup remover wipes, concealer, masacara, gum, water bottle, extra pens, some spare cash, phone charger, and earbuds.

9. Keep a water bottle in ya bag at all times. A hoes gotta be hydrated.

10. Keep up with ya studies (see my School and Studying Tips post for more details on how to boost that GPA)

11. A week before school starts, develop getting sleep schedule for school by going to bed half an hour earlier every night. This’ll make waking up earlier less of a hell, trust me.

12. Have a go-to makeup look for school that takes 30 mins or less as a default, if you beat your face in the morning.

13. Replace coffee with tea for a more healthy caffeine fix before class.

14. Prepare yourself a decent breakfast before you go to bed, so you can easily grab and go in the morning. Breakfast kickstarts your metabolism and decreases cravings throughout the day, and generally boosts your mood and brain power.

15. If you wear a uniform, make sure that shit is comfortable and actually fits you. Make sure nothing hangs off of you, cuts off circulation, itches, irritates, etc.

16. Need a break from studying? Work out. Burn some calories, clear your mind, and stimulate your brain with some exercise. Swear to god this keeps my grades up and my body lookin fly.

17. Invest in a hair mask (any pharmacy or makeup outlet will have them), or make one yourself. They make your hair super soft and shiny for flipping it when you walk past that group of girls who hate you lol

Thats all I can think of for now hoes, get good grades, I believe in all of y'all✨

i’ve been really productive the past few months, which is actually quite rare for me bc i’m a slave to procrastination i get burnt out v easily. this time was a little different, i managed to keep my productivity levels really high for a whole 2 months all the way until exams ended, studying every single day without fail, around 10 hours a day, when i used to only do an average of 3 or 4. so here’s what worked for me and what didn’t!

what works: schedule your day

what happens when ur a virgo studyblr? u plan. i would write out everything i needed to accomplish for the day, the night before, and be really specific about it. i would then plug in the timings, this works for me, but u can choose to put the time in first and plan what u want to do around the time. 

a structured time plan pressures me and i end up getting everything done, especially when i set an alarm on my phone for all the timings!

what does not: cramming a lot of hours into a day

12+ hour work days are ideal, especially when u watch all the ‘study with me: 14 hour work day!’ youtube videos, but they are just tedious and unreasonable. 

let’s face it, even if u do complete one or two long study days, ur just gonna get bored and tired and have no mood to continuing this for a week or more. slow and steady wins the race!

what works: tweaking the pomodoro technique

i hate the pomodoro method. at the 25 minute mark, i’m normally on a roll and super focused on the task; and the 5 minute breaks were too short for me to actually take a break. 

that’s why i tweaked it to 45-minute study sessions with 10-minute breaks, and after 3 study sessions, a 30-minute break. longer study sessions meant i get a break when i really start to get restless, and longer breaks gave me more time to recharge. i suggest tweaking this to match what works for you.

what does not work; doing too many / too little subjects a day

1. u don’t want to cram all the same topics and subjects into one day. ultimately, it’s a choice of spending 8 hours solely on a subject / topic and not touching it for the next few days / weeks, OR doing just 2 or 3 hours of one subject / topic each day over a few days / week

2. just thinking about doing only one subject for a whole day already tires me out. i have tried it, but normally i get so sick and tired of it that after a few hours, i can’t bring myself to focus on it any longer. on the contrary, if i keep switching between subjects, i get super confused because i have to remember too much of very different info. 

what works: leaving the last portion of your day ambiguous 

i like to start and end my days early. but in the process, i found a benefit of ending them early: i end up w a chunk of time at the end where there are two scenarios:

  1. i’m super motivated and want to continue studying
  2. i’m rly tired and cannot bring myself to continue bc i need a break !1!!

surprisingly, option 1 does happen a lot. and i think this is a rly good work-life balance. u don’t get burnt out easily, but from time to time, u get a bonus extra few hours of work done! 

what does not work: forgoing sleep

sleep is so important omg. 3 hours of studying while sleepy = 1 hour of studying when ur refreshed and ur brain’s working. a tired mind is a slow mind, and an awake mind is a fast mind!

do not worry about that rly hard chapter that u must understand and complete! ur mind continue to works even when ur sleeping, i assume bc it’s rewiring and sorting through new information. after waking up, i find myself being able to better remember and understand information that i struggled on the night before!

what works: finding out ur energy levels and use it to ur advantage

some people work best at 6am and can’t focus after 9pm, some people can’t focus before 11am and work best at midnight. take note of and chart ur energy levels throughout the day for about a week or so, are u particularly refreshed in the morning? do u feel urself always dozing off at 4? are u the most productive at night? 

work ur body clock out and work around it! every body functions differently! like in the last point, 3 hours of studying at ur worst energy levels = 1 hour of studying at ur peak energy level! forcing urself to work when ur body refuses to do so will only lead to procrastination. 

i sincerely hope these few tips can help u out w being productive! what are some of the things u do to get shit done? 

1. Always have a water bottle in your car

2. Carry an extra lighter (even if you don’t smoke)

3. Get something new where you go to eat often, not just your usual.

4. Make a budget for yourself

5. But don’t forget to give yourself some play money and always round up on how much things cost so you have money left over

6. If you’re texting someone, but nervous to send it, just click the fucking send button. You typed that shit out for a reason.

7. Stay out late. Wake up early. You’ll be glad you had all of your day.

8. If something makes you laugh until your sides hurt, write it down in the notes in your phone, you’ll want to remember that later.

9. When you’re talking to someone, and you suddenly think of something you want to say, put up a finger and wait for them to finish talking. It’ll help you remember what you wanted to say, but you won’t interrupt them.

10. Go to plenty of concerts. Especially outdoor ones. Get drunk with your friends, but not sloppy drunk. Just drunk enough to scream your favorite songs and dance without feeling embarrassed.

11. Even though the best present is someone’s presence, it’s still always nice giving or receiving an actual gift.

12. Always keep a change of clothes in your car. Including a pair of shoes. You never know.

13. Keep at least $20 cash on you at all times. Gas is usually cheaper when you pay with cash, and not everywhere you go to eat splits checks.

14. It’s okay to be sad, but try not to forget about what makes you happy.

15. Coupons are always fantastic.

16. If you think something is cute, fucking wear it. Don’t worry about what everyone else thinks. You’ll look great, I promise.

17. Sex stores are fun, even if you just want a good laugh.

18. Plan out your days off with your friends, that way you aren’t stuck around asking the “I don’t know what do you wanna do”

19. Don’t forget to remind your friends how much they mean to you.

20. If someone gives you a compliment, smile and say thank you. They wouldn’t say it, if they didn’t mean it.

21. Drink plenty of water. Not only does it keep you hydrated, but clears your skin.

22. I know you might want to be tan, but is it really worth being burnt and exposing yourself to all that skin cancer bull shit? No. Use at least SPF 15. It’s not that hard and you’ll still tan. So stop being a brat.

23. You’re allowed to be happy. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise.

24. Aim to be better, not bitter.

25. Some days are better than others.

26. You can never over pack. Pack what you want. You’ll be glad you have options to choose from.

27. Take those extra hours at work. It’ll be worth it when you see your paycheck.

28. Clean your fucking room and make your bed you slob. It’ll look so much nicer and you’ll feel better you did it.

29. If you have to, make the first move. It’s scary, but someone has to do it.

30. Take plenty of pictures. Of the sunset, your food, your friends, your dog, selfies. Everything. That way, later when you scroll through your camera roll, you’ll remember everything about that day, good or bad.

—  30 things I learned the year I turned twenty.
AU MASTER LIST

So here is a bunch of AU’s that I’ve collected over…. a long time. Enjoy

Awkward Meetings

  • I broke your nose in a mosh pit, sorry
  • I hit you with my car and was the only one to visit you in the hospital, this is sort of awkward, are you okay?
  • You’re getting chased by the police and you just jumped in my car and yelled drive, wtf man
  • You just punched me in the face while gesturing wildly to a friend, your friend can’t stop laughing and im too shocked to respond to your apologies
  • You laughed in a restaurant, but your laugh is really weird and I thought you were choking so I’m awkwardly humping you while attempting to perform the Heimlich manoeuvre and why isn’t this working, you’re just choking harder now this is aweful
  • We met on a Sunday morning, both doing our walk of shame
  • I get really sick on roller-coasters and you are sitting in front of me, im so sorry
  • You’re the bastard who keeps parking in front of my house and you just caught me drawing a dick on your window with a permanent marker… ugh, oops.
  • I work at a department store and if you take out and unfold another fucking shirt and just leave it, I’m going to fucking shove it down your throat
  • You broke into my apartment drunk thinking it was your friends place and I should call the cops by my cat likes you so????
  • You’re my new dealer and you just friended me on Facebook and idk how to react to that
  • You saw me reading the same book you are and now we are arguing about the motives of the antagonist
  • This is a five-hour-long plane ride, we’re sitting together and  you’re deathly afraid of flying. 
  • I got into a cab to find someone already inside
  • You thought I was your friend/sister
  • Holy shit, im in the wrong car.
  • I was walking by a roller coaster and your shoe flew off and hit me in the head and now I’m on the floor trying not to fall unconscious.
  • It’s 2am and I’m drunk and I need some salt for my fries and I know your awake so OPEN THE FUCKING DOOR
  • You fell asleep on me in the subway and I should probably wake you up and its my stop next stop but it’s okay, I can always just catch the subway back…
  • I know nothing about camping and all my friends left me at the site. Please, help me, I think I just heard a bear
  • This has been a shitty week and you just grabbed the last box of my favourite comfort food from the shelf, do you really want to fight me rn?
  • We met in a movie theatre and now you’re clinging to me because your terrified and I’m okay with that because it means I get your popcorn.
  • You had a party and I got really drunk and stole your microwave, so now I’m at your place and your super hungover so here, I made breakfast?

Neighbour/Roomate

  • The guy living below me has a really loud alarm clock that always wakes me up at the crack of dawn
  • I went to investigate a scream and found my neighbour standing on a chair to avoid a rat/mouse/cricket (etc.)
  • My neighbour has a really squeaky bed and my bedroom is below theirs
  • You keep stealing my doormat and HAH, I’ve got you this time thief!
  • The apartment above me has left their tap on or something and water is leaking through my ceiling
  • My neighbour’s sibling got the wrong house number and barged into my apartment on accident.
  • My roommate keeps stealing my coffee so now I make extra 
  • You’re my new neighbour and wow man, you have some really weird habits.
  • You’re my neighbour and you are stealing my wifi to watch porn and can you not?
  • You locked yourself outside of your apartment and there’s a storm rolling in and I pity you so please come into my apartment I’ll make you hot chocolate?
  • I heard you singing at 3 am and joined in and now you’re at my door and wtf mate I think your drunk but your voice is really nice so?
  • I just set the fire alarm in our building off again… sorry. I know its like the fourth time this week…
  • You keep mowing your lawn when I’m trying to sleep and seriously FUCK YOU
  • My new neighbour is really hot and wow I didn’t even like women until now? And now she is in the garden planting flowers in her bikini wow… im in too deep
  • It’s 3 am and you’re blasting off classic rock at full volume and your music taste might be awesome but soME PEOPLE are trying to sLEEP
  • We’ve never met but we shower at the same time and our showers are on opposite sides of the same apartment wall so sometimes we start duets?

Pets

  • I’m out walking and my dog started chasing your dog. 
  • My cat/dog ran away and you just found it but refuse to accept the reward. 
  • We are neighbours and your cat got my cat pregnant… so, wanna raise this little kitty family?
  • My pet tarantula/snake (etc) escaped and I forgot to warn the guy below me who is terrified of snakes/spiders
  • I need you to pet sit my pet for a while and I forgot to mention it’s a snake, the mice are in the freezer. Thanks, bye
  • My cat really hates you cat and that’s the third time this week I’ve had to pry them apart.
  • My cat keeps breaking into your apartment and it ate all your plants… dinner to make up for it?
  • My cat sneaked out on the balcony and into your open window and he has this habit of destroying furniture and pissing everywhere so I followed him inside and you cam home earlier than I expected and found me in the middle of your living room and honestly I’m not a burglar
  • Your dog likes me a thousand times better than she likes your partner and sorry not sorry I love this dog
  • You were walking your dog when you found me passed out on a park bench and thank you for waking me up and buying coffee instead of stealing my wallet

Music

  • I’m on a bus and wow, you’re singing really loudly and everyone is giving you weird looks, hey bud, tone it down, also great choice in music
  • You play Double Bass/Cello and I play 1st chair Violin and we keep making eye contact and damn your super cute.
  • You play in an orchestra and I love these songs so much, plus you’re really cute. Shit man, you’ll never notice me in the huge crowd…
  • Music is kinda illegal and my friend just died and apparently he wrote music and wow I want to know what it sounds like and to play it at his funeral but I don’t know how to. You’re a well-known music dealer, do you happen to understand these notes? Can you help me?
  • I tried to act cool at this concert and I thought I was leaning on a wall but apparently it was a speaker and now it’s on the ground in pieces and everyone’s glaring at me… sorry?

Supernatural

  • I’m a wizard and I just accidently apparated into your house. Oops.
  • I died over 2000 years ago and you’ve been dead for like 2 hours, man, damn it now I have to explain this shit to you. Great.
  • I’m immortal and you’re mortal and I don’t know how to explain this to you and soon enough you’re going to realise that I’m not aging… shiiittt
  • You’re a greek god and I’m the roman counterpart. 
  • I’m a ghost and your alive and I think I’m in love with you…. Fuck. 
  • You’re a faun and I’m a Satry
  • I’m half demon and people often judge me based on my looks, but your blind and wow you actually like me? 
  • I’m a time traveller and I went back in time and wow I think I’m in love with you, fuck this isn’t good, I just faked being George Washington… wait what? George Washington doesn’t exist here? Shit… I actually am George Washington.
  • I’m a writer and your my character and wtf how the heck did you just literally climb out of my first draft? 
  • I’m a werewolf but I don’t want to tell you because my wolf form might be that really small chihuahua you keep mentioning you see when I go out…
  • I’m an android and you’re a human and wow what is that warmth I feel when I see you?
  • I’m a homesick telepath and you’re the poor soul who is receiving all these emotions, sorry
  • Somehow I’m in your body and you’re in mine and shit man being this close to the ground is fucked up.
  • I’m a genie an d you rubbed my lamp so congrats you get three wishes but you can’t seem to think of shit and why the fuck do I have to be stuck with you? Hurry up and think of some wishes okay?
  • I was an awful angel and as punishment I have to be your guardian angel and wow your super cute and nice but I still hate you
  • You keep having strange dreams that turn out to be us in a past life and you’re determined to fine me again but in this life I’m already dead.
  • We live in the year 3090, you’re a scientist and I’m your assistant. Unfortunately and experiment goes wrong and I die. Now you’re trying to put my brain into a robot but its not the same
  • I’m a vampire and I have a moment of weakness, you’re nearby and lets just say it doesn’t end well
  • I’m a dragon and you’re a really hot prince, that’s right, they locked up the wrong royalty.
  • You’re a pirate and I’m a siren and woah… are you asexual? That’s so cool, hey wait, don’t go I just want to talk
  • Your mirror is a doorway into my dimension and I can see everything…. 
  • Listen I am genetically modified and you WILL let me hide in your house
  • Ok, so I panicked and kissed this human so he wouldn’t drown. And I know you don’t want me to keep him, and we can’t let him leave if he knows about us mere people so what do you want to do?

School/College

  • I just got partnered with you in dance class and I can’t dance for shit
  • You’re my science lab partner and how the fuck did you just explode that beaker?
  • I’m an art student and you just found my sketchbook and you’re going through it. Shit man can you give that back, I don’t care how good you think they are just don’t turn that page…
  • You’re the school dork and I’m the school jock and fuck you can see where this is going
  • We are the only two kids who ride this school bus, maybe we should carpool?
  • I thought you were my roomies new boyfriend so I invited you in but your actually the RA of the dorm and now you think I want to have sex with you
  • I accidently flooded the laundry room and you really need to do laundry
  • You’re sitting in my seat in this lecture and who even are you? I’ve never seen you before… wait what, stop checking me out!
  • We argued so much during a class discussion that we both got kicked out and we’re still arguing outside the class
  • You left your USB in the library computer and I had to go through your files to figure out who you are and in the end I read the entirety of this book you’re working on and wow you’re really good?
  • I’m a traditional painter who has to take a basic Photoshop class, you’re a graphic design major sitting next to me and getting sucked into helping me out because Im so shitty at this
  • My pottery bowl exploded in the kiln and I feel like a failure, you found me crying about it in the hallway and are now trying to comfort me and your sweater is really soft wow sorry
  • You and your friends have been playing the penis game in the library for the last five minutes and none of you have gotten above a quiet yell and fuck it I’m trying to study over her so fuck you I’m going to put an end to this game by winning 
  • We are both teachers and at the end of the year we compare how many gifts we’ve received from student and you’ve won for the past three years
  • Romeo and Juliet of the math and English departments 
  • I want to get along with you roomie… but I like star wars… and you like star trek… this isn’t going to work.
  • I usually talk to my friends through morse code in class but… apparently you know morse too… and now you know I think your butt is cute
  • I got cursed and turned into an animal and taken to the shelter and now I’m being adopted by someone who is really hot OH FUCKING NO

Near Death Experiences

  • Wow I was just in a fatal accident and who the hell are you? What is this I’m I dying? Wait no, I don’t want this, how do I get out of it? A deal you say, I’ll take it.
  • You’re an executioner and I’m about to be executed but you can’t seem to run the guillotine, wait what, why are we running away, man you’re my favourite executioner
  • Our plane/boat crashed and now it’s just us on this island. 
  • I just took a super dangerous job and your trying to talk me out of it, but we really need the money
  • It’s the middle of a war and I’m on a ship that you’re ship just torpedoed. Now I’m a prisoner and wow why can’t I feel my legs. I’m not cooperating until I can feel them again. What the fuck do you mean I’m paralysed?
  • I’m addicted to ____ (drugs/alcohol etc) and you found me in an alleyway due to after effects of my addiction (beat up, overdose etc) and decide to take me in.
  • I sold my soul to bring you back to life and I don’t have long left please make this time count

Mistaken and Secret Identities

  • I’m  a thief/hacker/murder and you’ve found out my identity and have been bugging me for days to take you on as your partner
  • I’m a superhero and you want to be like me but in doing so become a supervillain, what do you mean you don’t understand why I’m punching you?
  • I’m a superhero, you’re a supervillain, but we don’t know each other’s identities and we are actually best friends
  • I’m runaway royalty and you’re a commoner, fuck I’m so screwed I need your help, I’ll explain later
  • You think I’m a celebrity and you’re talking too much for me to explain I am defintely not… that dude. What was his name again?
  • You’re a superhero and I’m your best friend and what the fuck man? Why the hell didn’t you tell me? If you had maybe I would be fucking caught with this stupid ass monologue-ing villain
  • I have a very cute neighbour and very thin walls and one day I call you and err… your moans are very synchronised with my neighbour's…
  • I’m a superhero and you’re a supervillain and I saw you visiting kids at the children’s hospital and letting them act like they defeated you and now it’s really hard to punch you in the face

Profession Based

  • Your my mailman and I can’t help but notice that you linger at my door slightly longer than you need to ever since you saw me that one time. Do you want to come inside?
  • I’m a private detective and your my client and fuck man you’re in some deep shit
  • You’re a protester and I’m a police officer. Seriously can you please calm down a little bit, this is my job not my  beliefs.
  • I’m a make-up artist/hair stylist and I you’re an actor/model and are you flirting or???
  • You’re a celebrity and sorry mate, I have to take pictures to pay rent, I know its invasive seriously, sorry
  • You’re a store clerk and fuck, is that my ex? Can I please hide behind this counter?
  • You’re a lifeguard at my kid’s swimming competition and I fell in the pool with all my clothes on and you awkwardly tried to save me even though I didn’t need it.
  • You work at a pet store and I came in to look at tarantulas but somehow we lost the biggest one and its loose somewhere in the store and it really doesn’t help that you’re terrified of spiders
  • I’m a firefighter and you started a fire in your kitchen but you’re still flirting with me even though you’re not wearing pants and I’m carrying you down a ladder. Stop complimenting my muscles for fucks sake
  • We work at the same company and I kind of had a crush on you until I noticed that you’re the asshole stealing my lunch from the office fridge.
  • I’m a firefighter and you live near the station I work at and we talk/flirt with each other a lot. One day me and my team get called to put out a fire and it’s your home ablaze. You don’t make it.
  • I work at a fruit store and you come in almost every day and rearrange stuff on the shelves and then leave. Today you made the apples spell ‘call me’
  • It’s 2am and I was just trying to get home but I left my sunroof open all day and now there’s a squirrel in my car and it scared me and I drove into a pole - stop laughing! You’re a cop, aren’t you supposed to be helping?
  • You’re drunk and want my name tattooed on your ass.
  • You always bring your dates to the restaurant I wait at and now you’re here alone… you okay mate?

Winter Times

  • It’s snowing and I usually walk to work but that’s not happening, hey roomie, can you please drive me? Yes I know its 4am
  • I accidently gave all my winter clothes to charity over the summer and not its not so much summer, but I’m broke and hey… could you give me your old winter clothes… maybe?
  • I love the cold, but I promised to visit you for a good 4 months and wow, why did I do this? There isn’t snow here?
  • I don’t know you, but you just threw a snowball at my face, mate, its on.
  • I don’t know who the hell you are, but my roommate has someone over and It’s really cold outside…. Can I come in? Or like, have a blanket, or even a towel?

Old Friends

  • I knew you in high school and I ran into you at a renaissance fair wearing full knight regalia
  • I met you once when I was 12, we started a pen-pal relationship across the world and haven’t stopped even though we are a lot older now. 
  • You were my best friend when we were younger but your family moved to the other side of the world, and we haven’t talked in years. But now your back and wow how did you recognise me when I can’t even remember your name?

Fake Dating

  • I hired you to be my date for a wedding but your super cute, maybe we cannot fake-date? 
  • I’m fake dating you to have someone to vent to on family gatherings while also pissing off my conservative uncle that I never liked and wow… have your eyes always been this nice?
  • We’re both cosplayers and we somehow always manage to meet each other at cons dressed as a popular ship and people always want photos of us in compromising positions and so we always end up fake-dating the entire day but you’re actually really hot and I’m head over heels for you
  • My friend dragged me to this party and I just saw my ex, quick make out with me, I’ll pay you.

Miscellaneous

  • I’m blind and wow your voice is absolutely beautiful can you just keep talking? Forever? Please?
  • My younger sibling is besties with your sibling and even though we hate each other I guess we’ve got to start hanging out a little
  • We are both at a grocery store at am and you offered to arm wrestle me for the last box of cereal, its on!
  • You’re sleeping on my best friend’s couch while your house is being renovated and you have really weird habits like attempting to sing opera in the shower and you keep eating all my Nutigrain 
  • We bump into each other every Friday at the supermarket to buy the same ice-cream and maybe we should eat it together?
  • Our parents are dating and thank god I’m not the only one pissed off about this
  • I went to museum to get some inspiration and then I saw you staring at one of the paintings in awe and wow you just noticed me drawing you and this is awkward
  • I decide to take a shortcut home that involves crawling through a really tight hole in a fence and I end up getting stuck and you just happened to pass by and now you’re laughing at me
  • I took a bunch of free condoms from health services just because I could and they all fell out of my bag at once and now you’re staring at me weirdly
  • We are trapped in a bank during a robbery
  • Your country is trying to take over mine and I might be a little attracted to you and stop this it’s really hard to retaliate okay?
  • I was on my balcony and you started loudly quoting romeo and juliet at me
Tips on getting shit done a few days before the exam
  1. Count the number of days left till the exam.
  2. Count the number of topics you need to learn/revise before the exam.
  3. Divide the number of topics by the number of days (you may reserve one or two days for the final revision). This is the amount of work you have to do per day.
  4. Schedule your tasks every day from the time you wake up to the time you go to bed. Try to calculate as realistically as possible the amount of time you would need for each task (I like using Sectograph app for that).
  5. Reserve 1-3 extra hours at the end of every day because you’re not gonna fit everything into the timetable anyway. Believe me.
  6. Don’t forget to schedule some time for rest as well. Once more, be realistic.
  7. Alternate your tasks throughout the day as much as possible. Don’t study the same subject or topic longer than a few hours.
  8. Don’t forget to leave some time for meals, showering, social media and maybe even a film or two.
  9. Just do stuff.
  10. Don’t panic, you’ll get through that.
Hoe Tips: Self Love/Self Confidence

The key to being a boss hoe is loving yourself, and reminding yourself that you👏are👏the👏shit👏. I know this is easier said than done sometimes, so here are some tips to change your self perspective, and honestly to change your life.

1. I know this is going to sound cliche, but eating healthy and exercising does WONDERS. Taking care of yourself physically is a huge aspect of taking care of yourself mentally, as it balances out hormones, produces endorphins, and makes you generally look and feel better.

2. For body confidence: take selfies. Take several. Try out different filters, angles, and lighting and see what you look best in. If you’re comfortable, even take some nudes or lingerie pics to boost your ego. Snapchat has a feature called My Eyes Only where you can passcode protect any pictures you don’t want people seeing to keep all of your selfies and nudes.

3. Cut off people who treat you like shit. Cut off people who aren’t important to you. Cut off people that contribute nothing to geting you where you want to be. Delete numbers, block social media accounts, whatever you have to do. Be civil if you interact with them, but do not let them suck you in.

4. Learn to say no. Say no to things that make you uncomfortable, or things that hurt you, or things that may put the things you work hard for at risk. You are not obligated to do anything that you don’t want to do. Say no, and don’t apologize, because it is your RIGHT to say no.

5. Take yourself on a date. Go for a walk, see a movie, eat at your favorite restaurant/cafe. I like to make a habit of doing this once at least every couple of weeks, for some alone time.

6. If you’re comfortable, or at least willing to try, masturbate. Invest in a sex toy, or rely on your fingers, and go to town. Physical pleasure can do *wonders* for your mood and your self confidence.

7. Do your hair/makeup/wardrobe the👏way👏you👏want👏. Pick out looks that you KNOW flatter you, and invest in more items and styles like it. Toss/donate clothes or items you don’t like, and make sure that the only things in your vanity/closet are things that you know you slay in.

8. Make playlists that make you feel like a boss ass bitch. Beyonce, Rihanna, 5H, Nicki, and Ciara are some personal faves of mine, but any songs that make you feel sexy or in charge will do. Listen to them in the car, during your workout, just laying around, etc.

9. Every month, reserve a day to treat yourself; do some yoga or workout, take an epsom salt bath instead of a shower, soak your feet (warm water+baking soda in a little bucket=super duper soft feet), paint your nails, do your eyebrows, do a face mask, meditate, read a book, knit, draw, paint, go for a walk, get a massage. Develop a monthly routine to have a day for yourself and do whatever it is that makes you feel best.

10. Invest in a freakum dress; everybody needs one outfit (doesn’t even have to be a dress) that you know DAMN well you look fine in. Mine is a black bodycon dress with ribbed sides and black heels, I look and feel like a bad bitch in it. When you feel down, put on ya freakum dress. Look in the mirror, examine your angles, hype yourself tf up because you fuckin slayyy boo

11. Educate yourself. Pick a topic that you want to learn more about (it can be anything, from an artist to a particular science to a sport) and research it. Do one topic per week, and be amazed with how much you learn and absorb. Treating your brain is too often neglected, and being rich in knowledge is the best kind of rich you can be.

12. Keep a journal. Write out what you feel about yourself, what moves you have made to take care of yourself, and what situations you can work on. This will help you keep track of your self love progress, and you can look back at certain steps for motivation.

13. Give yourself something to look forward to each day. Pack a delicious lunch before you go to bed, make plans with a loved one, reserve an hour for your favorite show, lay out your favorite clothes the night before, plan a nap, whatever motivates you to wake up a little happier the next day.

14. Watch ASMR videos or podcasts (you can find them on YouTube). These are videos that focus solely on sounds (wrappers being crinkled, nails being tapped, whispering, etc.), and stimulating your senses. Some get a tingly feeling from listening to specific sounds, others find it easier to relax/focus. It sounds stupid, but it genuinelt changed my life.

15. If you genuinely feel that you need more than just self-help tutorials on Tumblr, do NOT be afraid to seek professional help. There are plenty of affordable, helpful therapists, hotlines, and counselors to assist you in any emotional conflicts that you may be having. It is nothing to be ashamed of, and it is not something to give up on if the first try at therapy doesn’t work out for you. If you feel you need it, please please please, seek help.

16. Quit drinking/smoking/doing drugs if you do any of them. This one should go without saying.

17. Make a bucket list; list places you want to go, things you want to do, concerts you want to see, and start doing them one by one.

18. When you make minor mistakes (a bad grade, a missed play in a sport, an embarrassing moment, etc), use the two minute rule; take two minutes to be upset, assess the situation, establish what you could’ve done differently, and move on. After two minutes, take the issue as a lesson, instead of as a mistake. Learning that you are human, and furthermore mentally establishing how to be a better one, is a HUGE aspect in self love.

19. Know your worth. You are a human being, capable of endless things. You have your own flaws, and your own talents, and your own assets that are unique and individual to YOU. You can wear whatever, sleep with whoever, date whoever, eat whatever, do whatever, as long as you 1) respect legal values and the values of others, and 2) remember your own value. Do not let anyone demean you, because you are more than someone’s critique of you.

That’s all I can think of for now. Love yourselves, babies. I know from personal experience that it’s hard to go from rock bottom to the throne, but I swear with patience and resilience, it can be done. My messages are open for anyone who needs to talk or has any questions. Stay safe, queens💞

[translations] 2017.07.06 NCT 127 First Anniversary Event fan accounts - Rolling Paper

Taeil -> Johnny
Chicago monster bro. I love your physiques, are you perhaps a model? Thank you for always looking out for the rest of the members by taking on the role of the middle man. [chewchew_do]

Taeil -> Taeyong
Your features are so beautiful. Your eyes nose lips, no, I love everything about you [cheetahparrot]

Taeil -> Yuta
Yukkuri ….. ????? (fan accounts say that yuta was laughing so hard that he couldn’t read it)

Taeil -> Doyoung
How are you? Cutie. Every time I see your shoulders I think you are so handsome. I’m fine thank you bro [dukduk0614]

Taeil -> Jaehyun
Jaehyun I like your burning passion, in the future please burn that bright and pass the passion on to the remaining members as well [chin9deura]

Taeil -> Winwin
Ni Hao, Dong Si Cheng. I heard you play games really badly, practice more. Anyway you are so cute. I think you have gotten used to living in Korea, and gotten close with the members. Dong Si Cheng, Wo Ai Ni [nct_victory]

Taeil -> Mark
Cute. You are so cute. I can always feel a lot of things when I’m with you. Thank you bro [markleezzang]

Taeil -> Haechan
Our Lee Haechan who usually joke a lot but lately you became quiet. However now I like how you are joking around again. We nag at you is because we like you. I’m thankful that you are doing the role of the maknae well, and became the mood-maker too. Bye bye I love you [xzzanx]

Johnny -> Taeil
I am an only child in the family. But because hyung was by my side I was able to feel how is it like to have an older brother. I feel really happy and secured with hyung by my side. I am always thankful for that. Even though hyung don’t express it, but I know you like me a lot. I love you hyung. [chin9deura]

Keep reading

Period Struggles Compilation For No Particular Reason

giant blood diaper

the bathroom stinks to hell for a week

sneezing

coughing

laughing

yet somehow crying my eyes out doesn’t cause debilitating pain

speaking of - CRAMPS

ALL OF THE CRAMPS

SERIOUSLY IT FEELS LIKE THAT METAL HEAD-THINGY THAT GIRL WORE IN THE FIRST SAW MOVIE IS AROUND MY HIPS

googling ways to relieve cramps and seeing pictures of women all folded up like human pretzels like what human being can actually do that with a pad on wtf

saying “fuck” every three minutes 

it’s 3 in the morning and I’m standing here in my underwear washing blood out of my pajamas literally fuck everything 

wtf these aren’t my usual pads what’s this bullshit why do these even exist

then when I get my period in a hotel and they give me cheap, crappy pads with no goddamn wings what the fuck kind of customer service is this

*drops something* *tries to pick it up without bending over*

*in the shower* is that dust or blood clots

oh hey look there’s blood on the floor again

*wakes up in a panic* IS THERE BLOOD ON MY SHEETS

oh good there’s nothing

*wakes up again two minutes later* BUT IS THERE BL—

*lies awake in bed all night convinced I’ve got a leak*

*one time, just one time, has a peaceful night’s sleep* *wakes up with a leak*

that weird feeling like you’re being stabbed in the vagina by tiny people with tiny swords

that other weird feeling like a zombie bit you inside your uterus and now it’s slowly rotting from the inside out

no I’m not exaggerating that’s exactly what it feels like

crying for no reason

did i mention giant blood diaper

because it’s literally a giant blood diaper

maxi pads. fucking maxi pads. 

hey if i jump out that window will i die 

lying in bed, curled into a tight ball, praying for the sweet embrace of death

pink painkillers 

all of the hot water bottles 

but let’s be real that shit doesn’t work 

neither do the painkillers tbh 

so then I come home and collapse onto my bed and suddenly my dog is there sniffing my butt like seriously as if this wasn’t embarrassing enough already

“alright class today we’ll warm up by running around the field” *screams* 

every time you sit out during the swimming unit in pe and the pe teachers side-eye you the whole time

plus all the girl’s periods synch up so like half the class is sitting on the bleachers dying on the inside and the pe teachers think it’s all a big conspiracy 

“you know they have invented solutions for this exact problem”

^no lie, my science teacher told us this last month. everyone just stared at him in silence until he changed the topic. 

can I get a sick note for my period?

when you have to change in the middle of class and you try to discreetly take your bag with you and everyone looks up

“hey can you check if there’s blood on my pants” 

“if you hate pads so much why don’t you try a tampon” oh yes sure let me just shove a tiny cotton stick up my vagina that sounds pleasant

when you complain about your period to the squad and suddenly half of the boys have disappeared off the face of the earth 

*displays slightest hint of irritation after being provoked for a prolonged period of time*  “geez someone’s on their period”

“looks like someone bought the wrong tampon brand lol”

no

no don’t make jokes about that

that shit is the worst

To quote iiSuperwomanii: “My shedding uterus has standards.” 

trying to open your pad as quietly as possible but you know the other girls in the school bathroom can hear

then you come out of the stall and make eye contact in the mirror and tHeY KnOw

AND HOW THE FUCK

DOES MY PERIOD SOMEHOW ALWAYS KNOW

WHEN TO COME AT THE EXACT MOST INCONVENIENT TIME?? 

oh it’s your birthday? here’s a fun present!

oh it’s christmas? guess who’s not going sledding 

oh you’re being sent on a six-hour hike on your school trip in a mountain with no bathrooms? this seems like a good time for satan’s waterfall 

oh you were looking forward to a nice, relaxed half-term break? lol bitch not anymore

*cries internally*

*cries externally*

*cries eternally*


I hope this has been educational 

Pre-Kerberos! Matt HC

[Pre-Kerberos! Matt]

★ Matt is the whitest of the whites, he eats one hot chip and it’s game over.

★ He’s allergic to pickles

★ He got Katie into aliens and cryptids

  • He doesn’t regret it                                                                             

★ Him and Shiro were friends, even before the Garrison.

★ He’s a little shit, the Garrison teachers expected him to be the perfect student since he was Sam and Colleen’s son.

  • They were wrong, he started a black market and wasn’t found out until it was too late. He made more than $500 bucks cash.

★ Whenever he was called into the office to talk about his future he just answered with “Kick ass, go to space, represent the human race.”

The cost of losing a bet with him was high

  • Once a kid had to go up to Iverson and ask if he was a furry and if his boyfriend was bigfoot.
  • They were required to help Iverson for the rest of the year during their free hour.

★ Anytime anyone asked if him and Shiro were dating, he did finger guns and awkwardly backed away.

★ Has been the cause of the science lab blowing up at least 5 times.

  • Shiro was apart of three of them.

★ Puns were his shit no one could escape

  • Shiro does this make us…..Kerbros?”
  • “If it weren’t for the laws of this land, I would’ve slaughtered you, Matt.”

★ Would fight you if you said Pluto wasn’t a planet

★ Is the most oblivious of people, two kids had a crush on him at the same time and he never noticed

  • But he can somehow notice when people have crushes on each other??

★ He met Neil Degrasse Tyson once and cried

★ Katie and him show their love by roasting each other on the daily

★ “I know you love those peas, Dad.” was only the tip of the Yikesburg™ .

★ He dyed Shiro’s hair once

  • It went as well as expected
  • It was neon blue

★ He smuggled Pidge into the Garrison once with the help of Shiro

  • Keith found them dragging her through the window
  • He just stared silently and walked away

★ He can do a perfect Yoda impression

  • Katie sadly found out when she on the verge of sleep at 3am

★ Subs always liked him for some reason, no one really knew how or why though.

★ He could name all 206 bones in the human body, and he taught Keith how to break every one of them

★ Katie popped out the lens in his back-up prescription glasses

  • He cried

★ He can quote back to the future word for word

★ “What are you gonna do punch me???”

  • The kid decked him
  • He broke their leg

★ He threatened to sell Katie to the Garrison for a pizza

  • A guy’s gotta do what they gotta do to get some decent food

★ “How’d you do in your flight test, Matt?” “Oh, I nearly killed Shiro. it’s chill though.”

★ He cries whenever he sees dogs since the Garrison is in the middle of nowhere

  • He once cried for more dog deaths in three school days than his entire life

★ “Hey Matt, high-five the stars for me okay?” “Of course, Katie.”

  • She hasn’t found out if he did or not.

★ It was his idea to name their dog Gunther

  • “What the fuck, Matt” “It haS CHARACTER KATIE”

★ Him and his mom are kickass together.

  • Everyone is low-key terrified of them

★ He crashed his bike into a tree once

  • “Lol you guys will never guess what happened”
  • “What”
  • “My bone is no longer in my leg”

★ “Do you think Iverson and—” “I’m gonna stop you right there.”

★ He hacked the speakers in the Garrison to play Bill Nye the Science Guy when someone said he wasn’t a real scientist

★ Believes in the multiverse theory and soulmates

  • Maybe in some other universe him and Shiro are happy

★ He’s pan and poly, fight me   

  • Katie got him a shirt that read “Pans for Bigfoot”    
  • He wore it everywhere

★ He finished the office in a week and stares at a security camera whenever something stupid happens

★ Someone confessed to him once and he panicked and said “Thank you”

★ Matt is actually a super good crossdresser???

  • Shiro and Keith are surprised???
  • Katie had to get it from somewhere y’all

★ Lowkey likes to make fun of Keith for being Texan

  • “Y’all’d’ve done good if y’all had listened to me.”
  •  “I hate living because of you, Matt.”

★ Bill Nye the Science Guy is his dad and you can’t tell him otherwise.

  • He’ll fight you if you say he isn’t a real Scientist

★ MATT REALLY LIKES AVATAR: THE LAST AIRBENDER, LIKE I HAVEN’T EVEN SEEN IT BUT I KNOW HE DOES.

★ Him and Katie learned Latin for kicks

★ Speaks fluent meme

★ **Drops one piece of candy on his room floor** “,,,,,,,,” **Kneels down to look for it**

★ 10/10 doesn’t know how to handle any crushes he has

  • He realized he had a crush on Shiro with the “help” of Katie and Keith
  • He tried to eat an entire jar of pickles afterwards

★ “Matt, you have a crush on my brother, admit it” “New glasses, who dis?”

★ “Shiro, when I was your age,,,,,,” “One day, you’re just not going to wake up.”

★ He somehow convinced Shiro to dress up as Watson while he was Sherlock

★ Hamilton’s number 1 fan

★ He spits out facts at random

  • “Y’know Alexander Hamilton spelt Philadelphia wrong in our Constitution?” 
  • Katie, who has been running on 3 hours of sleep: please shut tf up

★ “You’re a little shit Matt” “Atleast I don’t quote Fairy Tail any chance i get”

★ Matt: THIS BITCH EMPTY 
★ Katie, grabbing his backpack full of assignments from the Garrison: Y E E T

★ He hates coffee but will drink 5 cans of soda in an hour

★ “YOOOOO I TELL YOU WHAT I WANT WHAT I REALLY WANT” “SO TELL ME WANT WHAT YOU REALLY WANT” “I WANNA–”

  • Sam Holt voice: Please,,,,just go to sleep”

★ He’s a Gryffindor

★ Someone bet him that he couldn’t eat 2 of the new Grand Macs

  • He ate 4, Katie ate 5
  • Everyone was impressed and low-key terrified

★ Shiro: bro take off your glasses
★ Matt: bro everything’s a blur
★ Shiro: that’s my life without you
 Matt, tearfully: Bro… 

Iverson: any questions?
Matt: Yeah, first of all, how dare you?

★ “Would you slap Katie for $2,000?” “I’d break both of Katie’s arms and my own leg for a small fry from McDonald's”

★ Shiro gave him one of his sweaters when it was cold out once

  • Shiro hasn’t seen it since

★ He had an emo phase that lasted 2 months before he got tired of the eyeliner

  • Katie likes to bring it up at the worst times

He’s covered in bandaids 90% of the time

  • Most times it’s because he and Katie were fucking around while building smth

★ “The amount of uses for a dead horse is infinite” “Matt, honestly, just go to church”

★ His mind is just a constant loop of that scene in VeggieTales where the realized they didn’t have hands and just sadly looked at each other

★ “KATIE POKEMON PIDGEOTTO HOLT

★ Mashed potatoes can and should fuck him up

★ Learned to play the kazoo for meme opportunity

★ Once burnt off one of his eyebrows from boiling water

★ Him and Katie do the handshake thing from Zack and Cody

★ Whenever someone asks to see a picture of Katie, he just pulls out a picture of Pidgey from Pokémon

  • Matt: Isn’t she pretty?

★ He beat every island in poptropica

★ He can make really nice flower crowns nobody has questioned it

★ He talks with his hands a lot

  • He’s hit Keith in the face more than once because of it

★ You know when it snowed in Egypt for the first time in years and that guy had that giant ass snowball and was gonna fucking dunk it on his friend?

  • That’s Matt

★ He can dance?? Where did he learn it? Nobody knows

★ “Keith I came as soon as i heard! I can’t believe it I knew you two were close”
★“Wtf are you talking about?”
★“Punk is dead, Keith”

★ When the rumour that MCR was coming back you bet your ass Matt was ready to blast every song whenever he saw Keith

★ “I’m Matt, the radar technician”

★ He recreated BB-8 from Star Wars: The Force Awakens and cried

★ “Bitch, I am a gift of God, square up”

  • Get it? Because Matthew means gift of God??

★ He can solve a rubix cube behind his back in under 35 seconds

★ If he laughs hard enough he’ll start snorting

  • 50% of the time he won’t notice because he’s too busy laughing
  • The other 50% he’ll stop and frown in disgust at his own snort

★ He found out Shiro poured his milk in before the cereal and kicked him out their dorm

Matt: Hey, Shiro, want to stay for dinner?
Colleen: Do you want to stay forever?

★ Iverson lowkey reminds him of Snape, so by default he just doesn’t like him

★ “Work, work!” “Matthew!”
    “Work, work!” “Katherine!”
    “,,,,,and Keith”
    “The conspiracy theorists!”

★ Unlike his sister, he likes to garden and starts one in their backyard with their mom

★ Matt would totally force Shiro to cosplay Team Rocket for Halloween with Pidge being Meowth and Keith being an edgier version of Ash Ketchum

  • Shiro as Jessie and Matt as James of course

★ He owns every pokemon game in existence

  • Pokemon Snap was his shit when he was like 7
  • He 360 noscoped the Pokemon with apples

★ Has read all of the Harry Potter books three times

★ He tried to teach Shiro how to dance

  • They never finished though because neither of them could take the sexual tension

★ He was more into the galaxies and multiple universes part of space, while Katie was excited for the tech advances 

  • They were both 100% ready for aliens though

★ Shiro told him he couldn’t create the Marauders Map, so he did out of spite

★ Talked in nothing but Shakespeare for a day to piss off Katie

★ He loved ducktales

  • Too bad he can’t see the reboot

★ Barbie and the 12 dancing princesses was his shit

★ When Katie was born, he brought a potato with him when he went to the hospital to compare the two

★ He always wore sweaters that didn’t quite fit him, so he could have Sweater Paws

★ There was a supposed ‘haunted’ house on his street, so him Katie and the Broganes all snuck out to investigate

  • A window broke while they were in there
  • Keith shapeshifted into Sonic and bolted, Katie started hysterically crying and laughing at the same time as she ran, and Matt jumped into Shiro’s arm and Shiro fuckin’ booked it
  • They all agreed not to talk about it

★ Once in gym, a ball was about to hit someone in the face but instead of yelling “duck!” he yelled “dICK”

  • To this day no one has let him live it down

★ Uses an absurd amount of emoticons when texting

★ 10/10 would meme again

★ Used the word “Yo” too many times to count

★ Tried to bury Katie underneath a bunch of snow when she was 10

★ He can’t swim

★ He’s cried during nearly every Disney and Pixar movie


[Read Part Two// Post-Kerberos! Matt HC here!]

Being Roommates with Overwatch Characters:

Genji: Very quiet and respectful, never eats your food. But he never sleeps, so that can get awkward. Sometimes he does his ninja training in the living room at like 3am. When you go down to yell at him he has mysteriously vanished…

McCree: Super friendly, super messy. He will always invite you into his room to watch this cool video he found on YouTube that you’ve certainly already seen, but he just found it. He thinks the fridge is more of a communal zone. You can take his food, and he can take your’s. He prefers to cook meals to share though, not that he’s any good at cooking. Is often hungover in the mornings.

Pharah: Isn’t home a lot. She’s very focused on her career. Her interactions with you are very formal at first, kinda stiff and awkward. It will either stay that way forever, or one night of drinking and video games will break the ice and give you a million inside jokes.

Reaper: Just the worst roommate ever. The second he’s done with something, he drops it on the ground. Beer bottles? Check. Towel? Yep. Laundry? You once found a pair of his boxers in the refrigerator for fucks sake Reyes, why is this here? NEXT TO MY MILK! He always claims he was the last one who did dishes. He never does dishes.

Soldier 76: The weird roommate you met through Craigslist who seems quiet and reserved at first, but once he gets going on his conspiracy theories and how THE SYSTEM IS BROKEN he will never shut up. Constantly plays CoD on the couch. Never seems to go to work, but always pays rent on time. Does the chores with military precision.

Tracer: Lives outside of time, quite literally. So be prepared to remind her of appointments, when rent is due, that it is not in fact the weekend so could she stop playing Just Dance so loud past eleven? It’s frustrating, but she’s so much fun to be around you forgive her.  She is on first name basis with all the bartenders in the neighborhood, and drinking with her is always an epic adventure.

Bastion: You bought this old thing on eBay. They said it was non-functional, but it immediately sprang to life in your apartment. It spends all its time out on the balcony, where a flock of birds have made it their home. Every once in a while you wake up in the middle of the night to find it crouched in the corner of your room in turret mode. Then you realize someone was being loud outside and it got scared.

Hanzo: There are two Hanzos. Calm, collected, brooding Hanzo, and I’LL TELL YOU WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH SAKEsshdhshjkfk Hanzo. Hanzo is normally very organized, his room his spartan and he made a chore schedule that he treats like it is law. But about two times a week he gets shit faced on expensive sake, cries about his brother, tries to fight a house plant (claiming it knows nothing of honor when he falls on his ass), and ends the evening on the balcony, pegging passersby with perfect precision with YOUR HOTDOGS THAT HE STOLE FROM THE FRIDGE, HANZO COME INSIDE.

Junkrat: Just, an absolute disaster. Your apartment has become a junkyard. Scraps of machines all of the place. And it smells terrible because he’s constantly mixing weird chemicals in the bathtub. You’ve started showering at the gym, and are terrified when you have to pee. You’ve had three minor fires in the place since he moved in, and you’re pretty sure he’s a criminal. You’d call the cops, but his… boyfriend? You’re not sure. His giant man partner keeps coming around and staring at you silently and you’re just trying to stay alive, okay?

Mei: Is terribly sweet and friendly, but messy and forgetful. You can’t get mad at her, because she always apologizes profusely when she forgets to do the dishes or take out the trash or that this is her week to buy toilet paper. She’s often wrapped up in her work, and loves to go on exuberant explanations of the science involved that you don’t even half understand. But you smile and nod along. She’s just so excited, you can’t interrupt her. Her bedroom is cluttered with items she collected from her travels and adventures, mixed with scientific equipment and climbing gear. She always wants you to come on nature hikes. They are beautiful but exhausting. That girl has boundless energy. The only time she gets mad is if you try to throw away a recyclable.

Torbjörn: He is constantly making noise, hammering, laughing like a maniac, riveting??? WTF is he doing in his room???? He’s very cranky and opinionated (do not bring up Omnics, trust me), but after a few beers he has some of the most amazing stores you’ve ever heard. He keeps his mess to his room and only forgets to do his chores every once in a while. But food in the fridge is going to disappear and he’ll get very defensive when you ask him about it. Also, long golden beard hairs! EVERYWHERE! in the bathroom! Clean out the drain when you’re done!

Widowmaker: The most intimidating person you’ve ever lived with. Hell, ever met. She will walk around in nothing but a towel, but it’s actually kind of terrifying? Like she’s daring you to say something to her??? You’re pretty sure she’s killed at least two people in the neighborhood. No one can prove it. You feel like she’s constantly watching you in your room… you’ve looked for cameras and found nothing. She leaves for days at a time, and then suddenly appears silently in the middle of the apartment. You didn’t hear the front door open????? WTF IS HAPPENING???? She leaves all the chores to you, will pretend she only speaks French if she’s not in the mood to talk to you. You’re pretty sure you’re going to be found dead in the bathtub and there will be no records of your roommate…

D.Va: Almost never does chores, acts like she did you a favor when she finally washes a single dish. Is constantly live streaming from the couch. You haven’t been able to watch TV since she moved in. She invites you to play games just to utterly destroy your ass at them. She got sponsored by Doritos and Mountain Dew so now the apartment is full of that crap. She acts like that’s her contribution to groceries because she saw you eat a chip. You thought she hated you until someone on her stream called you a loser and she tore them a new asshole. Is this what having a sister is like???

Reinhardt: Snores like a freight train is rumbling through the apartment. You can hear it through the walls. Through your earplugs. Nothing helps. He is incredibly helpful and friendly though. Always does his chores, does a few of your’s if you don’t stop him. Loves to cook dinner, but will always make the weirdest German fusion food. Any nice thing you do for him gets the most enthusiastic thanks that it makes you want to do nice things for him all the time.

Roadhog: You’ve seen some shit, man. Shit you can never tell anyone. Mostly because it would damage Roadhog’s bad ass reputation, and you will not make him angry. His room is full of plushies. He sleeps on them in a big pile. He spends all day playing Animal Crossing and he helps paint your nails. His weirdo boyfriend? You don’t know, small manic man partner comes over sometimes, but you managed to get them to not set off any explosions in the house(by claiming to protect the plushies). When Roadhog first showed up, you were terrified. But he’s turned out to be a really sweet guy. When you’re not on his shit list. You will do anything not to get on the shit list… A UPS driver damaged his limited edition Rainbow Sparkle Bear, and you heard the screams……..

Winston: Spends all his time in his room on his computer. He’s nice enough when he comes out, but that’s usually only for more peanut butter. He’s kind of shy and awkward around you at first, but one day you ask about the glory days of Overwatch, and you get a story hour of epic proportions. After that he is your buddy. Tracer comes by sometimes, always bringing a fresh batch of bananas. Winston tries to act insulted, but you always catch him eating them later. He forgets to do his chores, a lot. He always promises he’ll get around to them. After this experiment is finished… It never gets done.

Zarya: Your living room is now a gym. She moved in a professional looking weight set and bench. “This is just for casual,” she tells you. She constantly makes “helpful” remarks about your physique. She thinks if you just did some deadlifts, your legs would be much stronger. Much more solid. You are like noodle. She tries to train you on the weight set in the living room. She proves that she can benchpress you, and then gives you some fifty pound weights “For a warm up”. May god have mercy on your soul.

Lúcio: Just the nicest roommate ever. He will sit on the couch with you until 3 am talking through your problems. He baked you a cake on your birthday. Is it your day to do chores? He saw you weren’t feeling well, so he just did them this morning. Don’t worry about it, fam, I got you. He only asks you for things on behalf of others. Will you help him organize a fundraiser for the local kid’s soccer organization? Come to a protest to improve the working conditions in factories? Could you maybe drop off this extra portion of dinner to the old lady next door on your way out? Say hi to her cats for him. The only thing that can be annoying is he can get lost in his music and forget that it’s super late. But when that wakes you up, you usually just go and sit down in his room and watch him work on his latest tracks.

Mercy: You really won’t see her that often. She is an incredibly overworked doctor. She is a very kind and patient person, but you can tell she is constantly bone tired. You don’t even ask her to do chores, you just do them all yourself. She barely ever uses dishes or makes a mess anyway. She leaves you little cakes she bought at the bodega as a thank you every now and then. Most of your communication is through post it notes, as you are often on completely different schedules. She seems nice, but you don’t really know her.

Symmetra: Everything has to be just so. She doesn’t even let you do chores, she doesn’t trust that you did them right. She will say the bathroom is filthy when it looks sparkling to you. She is constantly creating little robots to do work for her, so you don’t feel too bad letting her clean? She is incredibly sheltered, and can get hostile when you challenge her world view. But at the same time, you can tell she’s lonely and hurting. With small gestures here and there, maybe you can become friends.

Zenyatta: Just, the chillest bro you have ever met. He floats around the apartment and doesn’t eat anything so he doesn’t cause messes. He still helps with the chores, because it is more balanced that way. When you go through a break up he will listen and give you advice that honestly makes you feel better. He invites you to mediate, and makes it sound like a really great activity. His pupil, Genji, is always coming around. Zenyatta is so happy to see him. Neither of them eat, but Genji makes you ramen sometimes and its SO GOOD. They are both cinnamon rolls, and your life is better for knowing them. Occasionally Zenyatta knocks something over as he floats by, but that’s about the only drawback.

Aisles [m]

Aisle Three

Summary: Jungkook was your best friend. You held onto his secrets. And he knew all of yours. Except for one. One that would change your friendship forever. You were in love with him.

Pairing: Reader x Jungkook

Genre: bestfriend!au, college!au, angst, smut

Word Count: 5,802

Originally posted by sugutie

Aisle One Aisle Two Aisle Three

Surprisingly, it was easy for you to lie yourself and to everyone around you. Flashing a smile anytime someone around you asked you how you were doing. The layers of concealer under your eyelids hiding more than the lack of sleep. You tried to keep yourself busying, burying yourself under piles of books and notes to occupy your mind with anything but Jungkook and how he wrinkled his nose when he smiled.

 In a very strange way you found solace in the amount of schoolwork that was piling up in the pages of your planner. Exams, research papers, and presentations were keeping you out of the house and inside the walls of the library. You were regretting your schedule for this semester, but with the MCAT looming you couldn’t afford to take any risks. Medical school was the light at the end of the tunnel, and not even a bunny toothed boy was enough to keep you distracted.

 Hoseok however, had a problem with the fact that you should probably start paying rent to the librarian. He missed you, constantly sending you reminders to eat and drink water during the hours you were studying. You had regretted the night you told him that you hadn’t eaten since 7 in the morning and 45 minutes later a freckled teenager came into the library with the largest bag of Chinese takeout you had ever seen. And your name was scribbled on the front.

Y/N 9:35 PM: Hobi, I appreciate the thought but can you please stop sending me food while I am in the library.

Hoseok 9: 47 PM: I’ll stop sending you food when you actually sleep in your bed, for once

Sighing, you throw your phone back down on the table. He had a point. You hadn’t slept underneath sheets in weeks. By the time you got home from school you were too tired to make it your bedroom. Every morning waking up regretting the fact that you had decided to buy the lumpiest couch known to man. You knew that this wouldn’t last. That eventually you wouldn’t be able to hide behind the excuses of academics to avoid having a life. You were going to burn out.

But two days later you found yourself in the same position.

Keep reading

Part 6 of my Studyblr University Orientation Week

I see a lot of people on studyblr talking about dealing with stress and anxiety over grades and perfectionism, but not a lot of discussion of being mentally ill and in university/college. So if you’re looking for stress reduction stuff, this post is not for you. This is for my mentally ill peeps. 

I just want to preface this with a little disclaimer. This is based on my own experience. I have depression, anxiety, ADD and OCD. I don’t know everything. I still have a lot of trouble coping, particularly with the last two as they were only recently diagnosed. This is just meant to be a few useful tips that might help a little bit. 

  • Go see a therapist. Even if you think you’re doing okay, it’s still good to have that support system there if you need it. Your therapist can also give you coping mechanisms that are tailored to your specific needs. They may also suggest you go on medication or refer you to a doctor who can prescribe it. 

  • If you are taking medication, set a reminder on your phone so that you take it at the same time every day. 

  • Set about sixteen alarms in the morning, starting half an hour before you want to wake up and spread about five to ten minutes apart. If you’re anything like me and have a lot of trouble getting to sleep, you probably have a lot of trouble getting up in the morning. This technique is a lifesaver. Also change up the alarm ~once a month. I find that my body gets used to it after a while and I just sleep right through it. 

  • Register with your school’s disability services. Yes, your mental illness is a disability. They’ll be able to help with accommodations (this could be anything from extra time on exams to extensions on your assignments). 

  • If you think that you might be handing in a paper late because depression is kicking your ass, message your professor at least a week in advance. If you tell them two days before, they’re not going to care. And if you end up not needing the extension, that’s okay. It’s better for it to be there if you need it. 

  • Headphones. Everywhere. People are stupid and loud and it’s overwhelming as fuck. Wear them right up until the prof starts lecturing. Do NOT wear them during the lecture though, your prof will hate you - though you may be able to discuss it with your prof the first week. idk, maybe you have cool profs who get it. 

  • Make a friend in your class that you can get notes from in case you can’t get out of bed. I mean this is good for anyone in case of illness in general, but yeah. Depression. Woohoo. 

  • It’s okay if you need to take a lighter course load because of your mental health. Loads of people do it. 

  • Related: It’s okay if you take 5+ years to complete your degree. You’ll get there. 

  • AD(H)D friends who stim: That’s super great and you totally should. But please do not leg bounce when you’re at a desk that has all the chairs connected to it. You will shake everybody’s seat and distract them. I get the urge to leg bounce (fuck, I’m leg bouncing rn) but please try a different stim if you could. Or bounce gently. Just no earthquakes (no joke, I literally thought it was an earthquake once and was super confused why no one else was panicking. i learned nothing that day, I was so distracted). 

  • Fidget toys are the best things ever and you can use them in lecture (provided they don’t make too much noise because your prof might yell at you for that). 

  • Bathrooms are your new best friend for panic attacks. Hide in a stall and take a few deep breaths to calm down. There’s a lot less noise there and you’re less likely to be disturbed than if you go to a stairwell. 

  • Breathe in for 5, hold for 5, out for 7. 

  • 5-4-3-2-1: Find five things in the room that are blue. Four things that are yellow. Three that are pink. Two that are purple. One that is green. You can substitute this with any colours you like. You can also do ones like “think of five things that start with f (and so on)” or “five tv shows that you like, four books, etc.” if you’re somewhere without a lot of colours (or in your handy bathroom stall). Repeat with new criteria or new answers until calm. 

  • If you’ve been crying and don’t want people to know: grab some paper towels, run some cold water on them. Wipe your eyes with them. Pat your cheeks with them. It makes less of a mess than splashing your face will and I find that it helps me a lot more. 

  • Schedule the shit out of your life. You won’t forget important meetings or things like eating dinner (whoops). 

  • Make sure that you give yourself plenty of breaks during the day. Gotta conserve that energy, yo. 

  • Find out when the library’s quietest and grab your books then. Same deal with the bookstore at the beginning of the year and buying your books. Please, the bookstore is scary when it’s busy. Save yourself. 

  • Frozen dinners are cheap, easy to make, and require next to no energy. Same with cereal, ramen, and most pasta. And egg sandwiches (two eggs, hot sauce, and mayonnaise. Best thing ever.). 

  • Great questions to ask the people who sit next to you in class: What’s your name (preface this with “Hi, I’m *blank*”)? What are you studying? Where are you from? How are you liking the class? 

  • If you’re having trouble getting started, try for ten minutes. You may find that it’s easy to keep going after that. Or maybe you’ll need to stop but at least you’ll have gotten ten minutes of work in. 

  • You’re doing great. This is a really hard thing that you’re doing right now, but you’ve got it. 
The First Time With Jeon Jungkook

Originally posted by jengkook

Genre : Fluff, romance,comedy,implicit language,sexual innuendos
Pairing:Jungkook x reader
Length: 29K words
Summary : This is a series based on all of your first times with jungkook, from your childhood till adulthood

PART 1 PART 2 PART 3 PART 4 PART 5 PART 6 PART 7

PART 8


Tell me your thoughts in the comments and ask box :)



THE FIRST TIME YOU CONFESSED TO EACH OTHER

2 days ago, Lusty&Nancy Bar, L.A, 00:42 AM

The scent of alcohol and smoke was heavy as Jungkook was drinking his last shot of martini before collapsing on her lap. She chuckled as she ran her soft fingers through his raven hair. Those majestic looking lips, that gorgeous nose and long lashes, could drive any girl insane at his sight, but only one girl could drive the latter over the edge. He untied his tie as he dropped it on the cold ground before making himself at home, sleeping on her lap. Jungkook was never completely drunk, but had this tendency to collapse at random moments and wake up randomly just to take off his clothes. He sniffled a few times before grabbing onto the soft hand that was caressing his ears.

“I missed you….” he murmured half coherently “…Y/N”

The girl’s face fell into a scowl as she heard your name coming out of his beautiful lips, one more time. Every time, it would be the same story. He would hit her up, they would talk for a few hours and he would end up drunk, sleeping on her lap. Who was she? His business partner Park Sooyoung. Tall, brunette, pretty and a bright future ahead of her. She made heads turn by her presence only. Being a year older than Jungkook, she often talked informally to him even if he was her superior. She never had any feelings towards the boy, but she couldn’t help but feel irritated every time he mentioned your unknown name before casually sleeping on her lap.

“Y/N… I really wonder who she is, for turning him into a mess” she sighed

“Sooyoung-ssi” Jungkook’s eyes suddenly sprung open “Do you think she still remembers me?” he unbuttons the first buttons of his dress shirt “Sometimes, I keep on wondering… if she actually cares about me?”

“Jungkook, I would like to give you an answer but—“

“It’s Mr. Jeon for you” he pointed at her before erupting in a fit of giggles “We’re still workmates remember?”

“Right… only workmates” she clenched her fist

“Mr. Jeon sounds like a sexier title as well. Right? How about Director Jeon?” he ran a hand through his hair before crouching his shoulders “That’s supposed to be my future title…” he grabbed her hand in his “Do you think I can do this?”

“I think the question should be: Do you want to do this?” she replied in a heartbroken tone

“You are right…” he laid his head back on her lap “What do I even want?” he laid the back of his hand on his forehead “I just want to go back home” he felt a tear slipping from his eyes

“Should I bring you back home?” Sooyoung smiled at him

The word home had a different meaning in Sooyoung’s suggestive context

….

Today, Dorms at Seoul University, 12:32 PM

You were sipping on your lemon tea as it was the start of a new semester in your area. You and your friends were about to have a blast for the last remaining weeks of summer before tackling another stressful term. It might’ve been your second year at Seoul University, but you never felt more than welcomed whenever stopping by campus. You’d usually go back home during the summers and get back to the dorms during the school year, but this year it was quite different, as you had to get back to the dorm earlier. Something about a change of roommates was occurring in your department. The dean’s daughter made a fuss about wanting to change rooms so they had to rearrange the rooms. Knowing that you were the only scholarship student in the residence building, they chose to make you move out to make more space for the new tenant.

“That little brat, I swear to god, she’s so spoiled and idiot” Jimin groaned as he watched you pack your belongings

“Don’t say that, Jimin” you nudged his arm “I mean, she does have a right to do this. She’s still the dean’s, one and only daughter.”

“Doesn’t change the fact that her IQ is lower than Hoseok’s grades. I despise people of her type the most”

“Why do you hate on her so much?”

“Because she ruined your summer! You had to get on a 3 hours train ride to pick up your stuff Y/N. Why can’t you realize that she’s an annoying brat? She purposely made you move your ass from your vacation break to come in town.”

“She probably didn’t mean it that way! I actually decided to drop by in advance, so stop it” you patted his arm

“Still doesn’t change the fact that you need to leave your room” Jimin rubbed his temples “Damn you, stupid Park Chaeyoung”

“I always thought she had something for you though…” you raised a brow at him “Like a tiny crush?” you winked

“W-What?! Whoah, that’s the best joke I’ve heard in a century” Jimin flushed a slight tint of red “Girls like her are what I want to avoid the most.” He scoffed “In the last two years I’ve lived on campus, I never saw a girl as whiny and as spoiled as her. Do you realize that her majesty has a personal slave that holds her goddamn haute couture Gucci bag? Even Taehyung who owns the whole Gucci collection doesn’t do that kind of shit”

“But still, she asked nicely” you replied “It’s her last year before leaving for Ireland. That’s the least I can do to help her, as a student”

“That’s the problem with you Y/N” Jimin pointed at you “You’re way too f*cking nice to be real.”

“Come on, it’s just a room” you rolled your eyes

“You’re moving to the science department dorms! Do you realize how creepy most of these guys are?”

“I always thought they were brilliant though “you grabbed your clothes “Namjoon Sunbae is such a cutie. He was the best T.A I ever had in my years here”

“Namjoon is an exception, I’m talking about the weird guys who are in the engineering department. They always become weird as f*ck around finals.” Jimin sighed “They apparently become crazy because of their work load. Take Yuta for example! He didn’t even last a semester in there! He gave up halfway and changed programs” He sighed “These poor beings.”

“Oh, are you talking about those weird rumors of them being perverts? The boys who are taking engineering at Seoul U, are cute though, well that’s what I always thought” you commented “They’re not crazy”

“Okay yes, they seem all normal, but that’s because you’re a girl. They won’t show you their real nature” Jimin pressed his back on the wall

“What about you? Mr. Psychology. Stop digging too far inside my brain with your manipulative talks” you stared at him

“What are you talking about?”

“Why are you so concerned about me, talking to the boys in engineering?” you raised a suspicious brow “Is it Jungkook who told you to look out for me, again?”

Keep reading

In Control - Stiles Stilinski

Author: @mf-despair-queen

Characters: Stiles Stilinski/Reader

Word Count: 6,977

Warnings: NSFW, 18+, Oral (Both Receiving), Public Sex, Unprotected Sex, Protected Sex, Jeep Sex

Notes: Guess what guys! This was a request! I absolutely loved this idea. This was so fun to write. And I couldn’t wait to get it out. So I will probably be regretting life at work seeing as it is 3:30 in the morning right now. BUT THIS WAS SO WORTH THE 13 HOURS OF WRITING. I hope my lil nonnie (though I DO know who requested this, I will not divulge) loves this ❤️

Request: can you do a stiles smut where the reader is possessed by a powerful goddess or the reader is a demigod and she can regain her powers/stay in control by having sex with someone? and that stiles is her anchor? TYSM ❤️

Keep reading

Do Kyungsoo//Denouement

Summary: The world is black and white to everyone. At least, until they reach 18, and realise who their soulmate is or meet them for the first time - and then colour will burst into their life, one shade at a time. You’ve been desperate to graduate high school and move away, but you can’t run from fate. - ft. big brother Yixing 
Scenario: Soulmate!au 
Word Count: 5,977

Keep reading

Dating Jackson or Boyfriend!Jackson

  • hoW DO I EVEN BEGIN OOKAY
  • JACKSON IS A COCKY LITTLE SHIT MAN 
  • 67% of the time he would remind you how lucky you are to have SUCH handsome boyfriend 
  • Baby, you are sooo lucky to have me, like look at me ….. im so hot man” “LMAOOO  ok jackson”
  • SMUG ASS SMIRKS 
  • this boy will NOT hold back maN IM SO DONE W HIM 
  • like he would be so into PDA because you’re his girl and he loves to show you off
  • hand holding
  • waist holding 
  • thigh holding 
  • BASICALLY ANYTHING HOLDING BECAUSE THIS BOY WILL KEEP HIS HANDS ON YOU 25/8 
  • calling you princess because he thinks its hella cute 
  • BACK HUGS
  • THIS BOY WILL NOT HOLD BACK HE WILL WRAP HIS ARMS ALL AROUND YOU 
  • ESPECIALLY AROUND THE BOYS BECAUSE ONCE AGAIN BAMBAM IS SO FUCKING TOUCHYYYYY 
  • late night walks around Han River 
  • OR HAN LIVER AS YOUNGJAE LIKES TO CALL IT 
  • organic everything 
  • datesssssssssssssssssssssssss 
  • this boy will love to take you out 
  • whether it be to the park, the liver ;) or freaking walmart he would love to take you out
  • not to mention hi$$$ daddy vibe  
  • he would spoil you so much 
  • like whether it be with organic toothpaste or random chinese food being delivered to your apartment he would ALWAYS make sure you had everything you needed even if you didn’t need it 
  • over 400 key chains because he saw one this time in japan that reminded him of you so now every time he sees something that reminds him of you he buys it 
  • cuddles <3 
  • bro jackson IS LIL BABY LIKE DON’T FIGHT ME ON THIS 
  • he would love to be the little spoon half of the time because he loves the way he feels in between your thighs and loves the way you caress his face and hair
  • most of the time falling asleep with his arms tightly wrapped around your waist and thighs with soft snore calmly leaving his mouth 
  • waking up to messy bed hair jackson 
  • OKAY ONE MORE TIME WAKING UP TO MESSY BED HAIR JACKSON CJDNWFUNHWEJ
  • soft little pecks all over your face and lips
  • alot of kisses 
  • THIS BOY WILL NEVER KEEP HIS LIPS OFF YOU  
  • corny ass jokes 
  • hey babe why dont they play poker in the jungle” “ugh jack-” “BECAUSE THERE ARE TO MANY CHEETAHS” 
  • obnoxiously laughs way to hard at his joke 
  • but lets get serious for a sec 
  • sex with jackson wang 
  • oh my goodness this boy would work you up so good!!!
  • kissing you in the right places 
  • marking you up so good that not even kat von d’s lock it foundation could cover you up 
  • trails of back scratches leading down his back 
  • small whimpers leaving you mouth as he rocks you back and forth 
  • ride me baby 
  • doNT EVEN GET ME STARTED 
  • THIGH RIDING JACKSON WOULD BE SO GOOD 
  • just imagine yourself grinding back and forth as he kisses your neck hitting your sweet spot every time 
  • VANILLA JACKSON???? NAHHHHHHH
  • this boy would make your time worth wild 
  • but of course on special nights he would passionately make sweet love to you savoring each and every feature of you’re body  
  • but of course your efforts would not go unnoticed 
  • there would be those nights where you pleased jackson 
  • taking him whole in your mouth  
  • trailing kisses up his body reaching his collar bone and sucking heavily on them 
  • round 2 in the shower 
  • cuddles until early hours 
  • getting up just to see the sunrise in just one of his shirts 
  • its so beautiful” 
  • “not as beautiful as you” 
  • teasing 
  • play fighting 
  • WENG JAKSEN 
  • markson like 24/7
  • “i love you jackson” 
  • “i love you too mark” 
  • jackson being more in love w mark rather than w you
  • daddy af 
  • OOKKK IM DONE 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Hey guys so this is my send got7 bf blurb type of thing since you guys gave me over 130+ on the mark one but yeah let me know if you like it ~ OH AND GOT7S COMEBACK GOT ME FUCCCCCCD UP MAN HELLPPPPP

         ~ ERICAAAAAAA <3

masterslist 

Thank you everyone for helping me reach the 300 followers milestone! As a gift, I’d like to present you with some of my tips :)

Recently, I met a group of very motivational people, and they gave me tips on how I could manage my time better. I obviously took notes and thanked them so much because it definitely helped me out a lot.

Note: These tips won’t apply to all people as it is mostly focused on junior students (I’m a junior, so it might not be as helpful for the students in uni/college??)

It is a common thing for all students to have struggles with organising their time (especially me– why am I giving tips; wtf??), so I present to you: how to sort out your time!! 

What I’m going to cover:

  • Finding time to do work
  • How you can beat procrastination
  • Homework
  • Revision
  • Assignments + Exams

Be prepared, because this is an immense post. *Looks down* Yeah, it seems like I’m about to jump down a cliff made of tips. 

Keep reading

Hog the bathroom every morning? Let me make it more comfortable for you.

My brother is staying over for the next few months while he finds a new job. I got him something temporary that requires us both to wake up at the same time. Note: He pays no rent, and doesn’t know how to do much in the house like cooking or laundry.

We share the bedroom and the only bathroom. When my alarm goes off and wakes me up, it wakes him up too, but he rushes into the bathroom before and spends at least half an hour in there, making it difficult for me to get ready as he hogs the bathroom and I need to shower, brush my teeth, etc. When I asked him if he could wake up earlier to go use the bathroom, he said it takes him 45 minutes and he doesn’t want to wake up so much earlier just for that.

Talking to him hasn’t worked. So, a friend of mine suggested a smart watch or fitness band since they wake you up silently. I got a cheap Fitbit off ebay to start waking me up  (fuck yeah, silent alarms).

But here’s my revenge. Every single night, I sprinkle chili flakes on my dinner. I love spicy food, but don’t eat it that much as it irritates my stomach.

I now wake up without waking him up, and as soon as I turn on the tap he’s awake and he wants to use the bathroom.

But here’s the thing: the last thing I do in the bathroom every morning is take a shit that can only be described as toxic.

Day 3 now, and he complains twice a day, and no words have sounded sweeter to my ears.