Superman, get over the fact that Connor's other parent is one of your enemies, that he was created without your knowledge, that his existence makes you figuratively a deadbeat dad and that he was literally trained to kill you. Take the boy in hand.
ok but kent parson has definitely been calling bob “dad bob” since he met jack
it started as a joke and he really only kept it up because it annoyed jack so much but then bob caught wind of it and thought it was HILARIOUS so it just became what parse called him
and like he loses touch with the zimmermanns after the draft but old habits die hard, ya know?
so several years down the line kent decides to come out. he’s secure in his position as captain, he’s won the cup twice, and kit purrson has a ridiculous number of followers on instagram. he’s totally ready.
what he’s NOT ready for is bob zimmermann making a very kind (and viral) statement of support in the immediate aftermath. he knows it’s probably directed as much at jack as it is at him but still. they haven’t really spoken in years and kent was never much more to bob than “jack’s best friend” so it’s surprisingly touching
so then he’s answering reporters’ questions one day, maybe at a press conference or something, and someone asks him about bob’s statement bc ofc they’re gonna talk about bob zimmermann
and kent says something like, “oh, it was really nice to get that kind of support from dad bob-”
and kent’s not jack, he understands how the media and the internet work - he knows in that moment he’s fucked
it goes viral. because of course it does. dad bob becomes a meme. pictures of bob and baby jack surface with DAD BOB plastered on them like its grumpy cat or something. jack is mortified. bob thinks it’s hilarious. bitty retweets ALL OF THEM.
and kent feels a little bad about it - dad bob was his thing, just between him and the zimmermanns - but everyone thinks it’s cute and it’s taken off some of the media pressure of coming out so kent rolls with it
he dodges questions about it and doesn’t retweet or repost any of the memes he’s seen. but one day kit purrson’s followers wake up to a new post:
and kent has posted the infamous picture of bob holding jack over the stanley cup side-by-side with a picture of kent holding kit over his toilet or smth making the same ridiculous face.
the caption is simply “LEARNED FROM THE BEST #DADBOB”
(it goes viral. of course.)
jack just texts him a string of grumpy face emojis. bitty actually calls him, but is laughing too hard to say anything. bob links the post to his facebook.
I’m currently living it up at my annual college reunion with some of the best people I know, including Brandon “Our Hero” G, who is not only an incredible person but also the funniest and most articulate fucker I’ve ever met. I’m not exaggerating. I’ve been in awe of his lightning quick wit and creative mind since day one.
(I don’t know how he got the nickname “Our Hero” and at this point I’m too afraid to ask)
For years and years I’ve always lamented that I never write any of the insane and gut-bustingly hilarious shit he says down, but this time I was prepared. All night last night I had my phone at the ready for the inevitable moment Our Hero would say something that would put me on the floor, and he didn’t disappoint.
Here are some of the best ones (posted with his permission):
Friend: “How many wives did Hemingway have?”
Brandon: “Two of them were bears, fifteen of them were cats, and five of them were men.”
Friend: “[Some person] hasn’t seen Clue.”
Brandon: “So what you should do is MURDER them as if they were in Clue.”
“We nerds definitely drink. We just drink gasoline because we pretend we’re Transformers.”
“You might want to check on [mutual friend] because he’s going to suffocate in (looks at wrist) two hours ago.”
“The verbal equivalent of a rolling stone gathering no moss, my friends.”
“Horseshit, sir. Shit of a horse!”
“You can get thong overalls on Etsy, and then the lead singer of Spin Doctors strangles people with them.”
“The version of on Guitar Hero isn’t bad, but the actual Avenge Sevenfold version sucks 10,000 deep sea diving dicks.”
“I literally made my piece of shit dad cry by laying down the law. But if literature has taught me anything, I may wake up as a giant bug and he’ll lodge an apple in my back and I’ll fucking die.”
“I’ve seen [another mutual friend] get his asshole out in the middle of a roller rink parking lot.”
[about Necco Wafers] “They’re multicolored discs of shit-chalk.”
[discussing Care Bears] “Sleepy Bear? I think you mean Borderline Narcoleptic Bear who could curl up and fall asleep anywhere, like in the fucking wheel well of an airplane.”
“I had to go to Haberdashers because we haven’t invented malls yet.”
“Jughead is the fucking Pokémon evolution of Wimpy from Popeye. He gets that hamburger stone in his hand… ‘Wimpy’s evolving!'”
“I make my own glue. Case dismissed.”
[Pretending to be a male sloth] “Won’t move for nothing but bitches. Here I come.“
“Sadly, that won’t take the gone out of your rrhea.”
“Everyone knows DC stands for 'dis comic book’.”
“Gumbo Court: the cases are real and the gators are, unfortunately, also real. And the only commercial that airs is the one from Halloween 3 and anyone watching just disintegrates into worms and bugs.”