shit english majors say

me: haha i’m not an english major, i’m a Translator! got it? T-R-A-N-S-L-A-T-O-R english teachers got nothing on me!! i’m out!!

a prof/an employer: we need you to translate this thing

me: 

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Shit English Majors Say.

What I do as an English Major

Besides complain about writing a lot of essays:

1) I read. Quite a bit. But depending on what I’m reading, a lot of it doesn’t make sense - this isn’t like reading a history or technical textbook, this is like philosophical puzzle-solving business.

2) I make chicken scratch marks all over every anthology I own. And then eventually sell them to some bastard who will use my notes in their own work.

3) I chew my pen while staring at the ceiling, contemplating reasons the author did something, which ultimately may not have been intentional at all, but you still choose to write a 10 page paper on one syntax issue.

4) Over-analyze EVERYTHING.

5) Hope that my professor will accept said chicken-scratch notes instead of writing a coherent argument.

6) Procrastinate. I don’t even want to open a word document yet.

7) Oblige to actually writing said paper, but spend most of the time glancing back and forth between Facebook, Tumblr, the assignment details, and my blank word document, occasionally updating statuses to show “how much work I’ve done so far.”

8) The introductions are usually hesitant, but once I get going, I’m going.

9) Twelve pages later, it’s time to edit that shit down to five.

10) Repeat process until graduation.