Dear, omnipotent Ben from Tumblr.

Oh, if only you were the one who could have slipped that shirt dress onto him during that convention to become his boyfriend, instead of that other guy. Then he could have shown you how to be panache and sexylike, and stand up to fight for your rights, and maybe later, engage in a bizarre extraterrestrial reproductive process involving every orphis of your body, and his magical tree you guess?