Dead man, were you ever alive? Or was I just a seed buried deep inside Some woman you wed Right before you crawled out of her bed and crept down the hall? Did you think of me? Did you even for a second hesitate in the doorway? It’s just something that I’d like to know Though I’d still love you if told me That you just walked away
My God, what a world you love Where men bury their sons And without thought just walk away
And my mother’s heart breaks Like the water inside of her
Dead man, is it being high that makes you alive? It makes you leave behind three boys and a wife in ‘89 As the track marks inched their way up your arm My mother taught my brothers and I not to call you daddy But to call you father
But I believe there is something here to be learned of grace 'Cause I can’t help but love you No I can’t help but love you Even with a heart that breaks Like the promises that you made Like the promises that you made The promises that you made 'Cause I still love you
[Rough Draft] Part 12: it's not just a funeral, it's a party
“I will burn in hell, for my selfishness.”
I’ve burned plenty. I’m fairly familiar with the smell of my feet in the flames. And I deserved most of what I got. I had an angel’s smile hiding a vulture’s bite. I feigned innocence and abused trust to an absurd degree.
And yet, on some level, I recognized this and attempted to correct course. Even at my lowest. Sure, I hurt those closest to my self because I knew that they would forgive me… but when it came to strangers or acquaintances I always hedged and did right by them. I didn’t want to be responsible for their loss of faith in others.
I actively refused to take what little light they may have left.
And this isn’t about selflessness or pity or any of that. It made me feel better to preserve their trust. The same way I often seem calloused because I’m over protective of those around my self.
If I seem unfeeling, it is only because I cannot afford to feel those things in that moment. Sometimes I go off the rails and yamikai runs rampant, but most times it is godfrey seeing that suffering now will prevent far worse suffering later.
That’s the difference, I believe, between yamikai and godfrey: yamikai guards little devyn’s heart like a rabid wolf and godfrey is willing to let him ache if it means that everyone will be better off in the long run.
I function best as a lightning rod for human suffering.