“Jeffrey, could you come with me and explain the last chapter to me?” Shirley asked as the rest of the study group filed out.
Jeff followed Shirley to their usual supply closet. “You know, you’re making it more conspicuous by asking me for study help,” he told her. “I mean, why would you ask me?”
“And you’re blaming me for that? It’s not my fault you’re useless for everything except what we’re doing!” She gasped and covered her mouth. “That was really mean.”
Jeff grinned at her and said, “I loved it.” He leaned down to kiss her hard. As she kissed back, she slid her hands under his sweater to feel his stomach and chest, then grabbed his ass.
He pulled off his sweater and t-shirt. Shirley abruptly jumped away from him.
He frowned. “Is something wrong? This is usually your favorite part.” He looked down. “I didn’t get fat, did I?”
She rubbed his stomach and looked him in the eyes. “Jeffrey,” she said seriously. “You did not get fat since I last saw you yesterday. I just thought I heard footsteps coming.”
“Are you really that embarrassed by me?” he asked.
“It’s nothing personal,” she said. “You’re sweet and any woman would be lucky to call you hers.”
“Then why…” Jeff asked.
“Well, we are living in sin,” she said. “And I spent so much time judging Britta. She’d never let me hear the end of it!”
“You could be less judgmental,” Jeff suggested.
“Please be realistic, Jeffrey,” Shirley said.
“Sorry,” he said immediately. He kissed down her neck. “You consider it shameful if it’s any relationship where we’re not married, right?” Jeff asked. “I mean, it wouldn’t be different if it was, like… a serious thing that could result in marr– more seriousness… eventually?”
She tilted her head. “Why are you asking?”
“Nothing!” he said. “I was just curious what you’d be like if you were with someone else who wasn’t selected based on their ability to give you orgasms in a broom closet. It was a stupid hypothetical. Anyway, speaking of giving you orgasms in a broom closet…” He dropped to his knees.
Shirley looked down at him. “Jeffrey, did you want this to be a serious relationship? Because I was under the impression that you don’t really do that.”
“I don’t!” he said quickly.
“Okay,” Shirley said. She looked at him sternly and said, “Because if you did want a serious relationship and you didn’t tell me and you let me hurt you by using you for your beautiful, beautiful body and you were secretly not enjoying this at all because you feel like I don’t appreciate you for more than sex–”
“I get the idea,” Jeff said. “That’s far, far from what’s happening. I love hooking up with you and you’re a really good friend, but we’re too different. And…” He frowned a little. “I could never be anyone’s step-dad so… I’m happy with this being exactly what it is.”
“It’s valentine’s week. When the Greendale Human Being is the Cupid
Being, delivering your gift to that special someone. But remember,
cupid’s face is magic marker on nylon, so love is not only blind But
also dizzy and a little belligerent.
Shirley : Tell me you’ve noticed how small his nipples are. Jeff : Not engaging. Shirley : What ? It’s not gossip when it’s fact ! My kids have got hamsters with bigger nips. * Shirley : Well, that’s a cool shirt. Vaughn : Thank you. Thank you very much. Shirley : Where’s it from ? […] Jeff: You’re the devil ! Shirley : I know.