ship: you really are the brightest witch of your age hermione

Hermione, Ron, and the Cursed Child

This post contains spoilers of Harry Potter and the Cursed Child. Read at your own risk.




I’ve been thinking more about the first alternate present day in the Cursed Child, caused by Albus and Scorpius’s first attempt to alter the past.

In this AU, Hermione interacts with Albus and Scorpius during the Triwizard Tournament and thinks they’re Durmstrang students trying to help Viktor cheat. As a result, she turns down Viktor’s invitation to go to the Yule Ball. She goes with Ron instead, as friends. Because she goes with Ron, he’s never jealous of Viktor. Because he’s never jealous, he never has any desire to pursue Hermione as a romantic partner. He marries Padma Patil, and Hermione ends up teaching at Hogwarts, bitter and alone and mean to her students in a Snape-like way.

The more I think about this, the angrier it makes me.

Rowling and her co-writers are saying that Ron only EVER sees Hermione as a possible romantic partner, as someone who is worth dating, BECAUSE VIKTOR WANTS HER.

Hermione, the brightest witch of her age, Hermione the girl with the top marks in all of Hogwarts, Hermione, one third of the so-called ‘golden trio’ is only valuable to Ron Weasley because another guy wants her. We are supposed to believe that if he doesn’t get jealous of Viktor at age 14, he will never view Hermione as date-able or worth his time and effort.

Just how are Ron and Hermione supposed to be some great love story?

Excuse me while I go smash something in my rage.

Furthermore, we’re supposed to believe that if Ron doesn’t get jealous of Hermione at 14, NO ONE ELSE will ever want to marry Hermione.

What. The. Fuck.

Why on earth would I believe that a witch as brilliant and attractive as Hermione - remember canon from Goblet of Fire is that Hermione looks really rather lovely at the ball to such a point that even Harry is amazed - will end up alone and bitter if Ron Weasley doesn’t ask her out? Why on earth would I believe that NO ONE ELSE will find her attractive enough to ask out, to date or court, and to eventually marry? Why is it Ron or nothing?

And who is this great prince Hermione wins in the “real” present day? Ron works in the joke shop. He gives a love potion to a 14 year old for no apparent reason, other than, I guess, thinking it’s funny to give wizarding date rape drugs to his nephew. He makes lame jokes. He complains that Hermione works too hard and too long and doesn’t spend enough time with him. He is building up a bit of a gut and complains a lot about his aches and pains (he’s in his late 30s, by the way, hardly over the hill). There’s nothing in the script at this point - I’m at Act 2, scene 20 right now - to indicate that present day, real Ron is all that much of a catch.

We’re supposed to believe that Hermione’s choices are apparently to end up with Ron, who frankly doesn’t sound all that great, or to end up bitter, alone, and mean to young children.

THIS IS BULLSHIT.

Listen girls. Gather round, and listen to Auntie Elle: you are not defined by the guys who want to date you. You are you, and you are valuable ALL OWN YOUR OWN.

You do not need a boy, a guy, a man to be happy and to have value in your life.

And contrary to this crap Rowling is spewing, if you miss a chance to be with one guy, another will come alone. I promise. Men are like buses: never chase after one because another will come along soon enough.

It’s okay if you’re single for a while, even for a long while. It’s okay if you decide you don’t want to be with anyone. You aren’t doomed to a life of misery. I promise.

I didn’t ship Romione before this, and I sure as hell don’t now. I’m also rethinking letting my 10 year old daughter read this script, because I sure as hell don’t want her thinking that her options are some guy who doesn’t appreciate her as a teenager or a life of bitter, single, misery.